Murder, She Wrote S3 E16: Death Takes a Dive (1987)

Jessica visits her old friend, private investigator Harry McGraw (Jerry Orbach), in Boston, who has become entangled in the high-stakes world of boxing.

Season 3, Episode 16: Death Takes a Dive (February 22, 1987)

Thanks to her latest run-in with Harry McGraw, Jessica discovers that she is now the manager of a down-on-his-luck prizefighter who is looking to retire following his next fight. And while getting a crash course on her new endeavor, she has her hands full trying to clear Harry in the murder of a shady fight promoter.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury and Jerry Orbach?

Doc Penrose? That’s John Amos from Good Times.

Ernest Borgnine plays Cosmo Ponzini. You may know him from From Here to Eternity. I know him from Super Fuzz.

LeVar Burton plays a newsman named Dave Robinson. You may not recognize him without his  Star Trek: The Next Generation goggles.

Bradford Dillman is Dennis McConnell. Wow — that dude battled eco-horror in the 70s like no one else.

The law in this is Lt. Casey, played by Ray Girardin.

Holy Adam West, Batman! Adam West is in this as Wade Talmadge.

Caren Kaye is playing Lois Ames, Michael McGrady plays Sean Shaleen, Lynn Moody is Pam Collins, Harold Sylvester is Blaster Boyle, Bill Capizzi is a doorman, Richard Balin is a commentator, Marcia Moran is a waitress, Richard Bravo is Sanchez, and Jeff Langton is a boxer.

What happens?

Jessica Fletcher heads to the mean streets of Boston to visit her favorite sentient trench coat, private investigator Harry McGraw. Naturally, Harry is chin-deep in gambling debts and managed to get himself wrangled into the high-stakes, low-morals world of professional boxing. He’s got a sure thing in a heavyweight named Blaster Boyle, but he needs J.B. to bankroll the training. Jessica, ever the softie for a rogue with a Brooklyn accent, cuts the check only to find herself acting as the official manager when Harry gets framed for the murder of Wade Talmage, a fight promoter who was about 10% human and 90% slime.

The suspect pool is deeper than a spit bucket. You’ve got a sportswriter out for vengeance because Talmage ruined his father, a fighter named Sean Shaleen, who doesn’t realize he’s being played and a mistress done wrong.

Oh yeah. The sure thing heavyweight, Blaster Boyle, isn’t just a fighter; he’s a gentle giant with a glass jaw and a heart of gold, making the stakes feel personal. Jessica isn’t just protecting Harry’s freedom; she’s protecting Blaster from being sold out by the vultures circling the ring.

Who did it?

Boxer Sean Shaleen. He was tired of being a pawn in Talmage’s games and decided a shotgun blast was better than taking a dive.

Who made it?

It was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by series creator Peter S. Fischer.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

She does do a training montage. Also, I fully believe that Harry McGraw has gotten up in her guts and had more than a few bowls of Cabot Cove Clam Chowder, if you know what I’m saying, and I know you do.

Was it any good?

It was pretty good!

Any trivia?

This extended episode served as a backdoor pilot for Harry McGraw’s own short-lived spin-off series, The Law & Harry McGraw.

John Amos and LeVar Burton both played Kunta Kinte in Roots.

Harry McGraw is supposed to be 47. Now I feel old.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Harry McGraw: I know. But I sold them something even better. The inside story of a tough, resourceful private eye who single-handedly broke open one of the largest murder cases of the decade.

Jessica Fletcher: Single-handedly?

Harry McGraw: So I exaggerated a little. What’s a little white lie between friends?

What’s next?

Jessica investigates when an artist is murdered, and his prized painting is missing.

88 FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: Picture of a Nymph (1987)

In the landscape of 1980s Hong Kong Ghost-Fu movies, Wu Ma’s Picture of a Nymph stands as a beautifully rendered companion piece to the genre’s heavyweights. The story kicks off when Shih Erh (the acrobatic powerhouse Yuen Biao), a dedicated Taoist disciple, takes a hapless scholar, Tsui Hung-Chuen (Lawrence Ng), under his wing. The catalyst? A demon battle gone wrong that leaves the scholar’s house in literal ashes.

While Shih Erh and his master, Wu Men-Chu (played by director Wu Ma), attempt to shield the scholar from the literal legions of hell, the plot thickens with a classic supernatural romance. Tsui falls for Mo Chiu (the ethereal Joey Wang), a ghost enslaved by the terrifying King Ghost (Elizabeth Lee).

Picture of a Nymph features Sammo Hung’s Stuntmen Team, which means it has more action than any demon movie America will ever make. Because Joey Wang famously portrayed the lead in A Chinese Ghost Story, critics often dismiss this as a quick cash-in. However, Picture of a Nymph feels more like a spiritual sequel or a remix of the same melancholic themes.

I love the idea that Mo Chiu’s spirit hides in a painting that Tsui makes of her. I’m also a sucker for the doomed romance between those who have died and those who are still alive. 

Extras on the 88 Films release of this movie include two commentaries, one by Frank Djeng and another by David West. It comes in a breathtaking rigid slipcase with art by Sean Longmore, and includes a 40-page book and a collectible postcard. You can get it from MVD.

Murder, She Wrote S3 E15: The Bottom Line Is Murder (1987)

A sensationalist TV presenter is killed, and suspicion falls on one of the clients whose products he maligned.

Season 3, Episode 15: The Bottom Line Is Murder (February 15, 1987)

J.B. is on the road to Denver, Colorado, to visit her old friend Jayne, whom she hasn’t seen in 7 years, and to give an interview at a station where her friend’s husband works. Despite being a widower of a certain age who continually has people die all around her, Jessica stays busy. Of course, as soon as she gets there, someone dies.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Adrienne Barbeau is Lynette Bryant. If anyone ever says a bad word about her, you can legally kick them. Look it up.

Jessica’s old friend, Dr. Jayne Honig, is Judith Chapman, who plays Gloria Simmons on The Young and the Restless

The law around here, Lt. Lou Flannigan, is Barry Corbin. The warden from Stir Crazy!

Pat Klous is Clare Henley.

Robert F. Lyons, from Avenging Angel, is Steve Honig.

Rod McCary is Kenneth Chambers. He was also in Stir Crazy, as well as Night of the Demons 2.

Joe Santos, Dennis Becker from The Rockford Files, is Joe Rinaldi.

Robert Warren is played by Morgan Stevens.

Celebrity trash collector Bert Tanaka? Oh my! George Takei!

In smaller roles, Brian Matthews is Ryan Monroe, Paul Tompkins and Robert Buckingham are reporters, William Ian Gamble is a security guard, and Mark C. Phelan is a cop.

What happens?

Kenneth Chambers is the TV newsman behind the hot news program The Bottom Line. So hot that it’s made at an independent Denver station, but whatever. He’s a total jerk, which, as we all know in the world of Murder, She Wrote, means that he will be the person who dies.

Anyway, Jayne is driving Jessica to the station and casually mentions that her husband Steve is super stressed and that she’s stopped being a career woman to help take care of him. If you guessed that he’s the producer that Kenneth yelled at, you’re right. They meet station manager Robert Warren, who remarks that he’d sure like Jayne to leave her husband — and his best friend — for him. That’s how people talked in 1987. So when you take your work sexual harassment digital test, that is also why.

Also: Robert was once one of Jayne’s patients, as she was once a therapist. 

Also also: When they are all at dinner, Steve leaves to go work late, and Robert cockblocks him after he leaves, saying that he worked late on the same night but was there alone.

Then George Takei’s character finds Kenneth dead, and if this were made in 2026, he would look right at the camera, Fulci zooms right in on him, and he would say, “Oh my!” Kenneth has been shot, and would you look at that, Steve has a gun in the back of his car. It’s not as if everybody didn’t want to kill this guy, but this being J.B.’s world, of course the husband of her best friend is the suspect.

There was just a mob guy who makes teddy bears that threatened everyone on the show’s life, and no one suspects him.

Jessica and junkman George Takei work together to spring a trap for the real killer.

Who did it?

Robert Warren, who didn’t want to kill the TV host, but really wanted Steve dead because he really wasn’t joking about being in lust with Jayne.

Who made it?

This is the first episode directed by Anthony Pullen Shaw, who is Angela Lansbury’s son. It was written by Steven Long Mitchell and Craig W. Van Sickle.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. I am getting enraged.

Was it any good?

It’s fine. 

Any trivia?

This is the second time Adrienne Barbeau was on the show. 

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: I don’t know how you spotted me, but you certainly had me pegged. I am a writer. Crime is my beat. Murder my specialty.

What’s next?

John Amos! Ernest Borgnine! LeVar Burton! Adam West! Jessica visits her old friend, private investigator Harry McGraw, in Boston, who has become embroiled in the high-stakes game of boxing.

Murder, She Wrote S3 E14: Murder in a Minor Key (1987)

Jessica tells the story of her new novel about a college student accused of killing his music professor, who plagiarized his compositions.

Season 3, Episode 14: Murder in a Minor Key (February 8, 1987)

This is the first of fourteen “bookend” episodes in which J.B. Fletcher tells us about the plot of her latest novel instead of actually wandering around Cabot Cove solving murders in person. We only see Jessica at the beginning and the end of the show — and maybe during a quick commercial bumper if you’re watching it the way the television gods intended: with advertisements for cough syrup and Ford Tauruses interrupting everything.

So if you tuned in hoping to see Jessica Fletcher snooping through drawers, asking polite questions that make killers sweat or making a surprised face, apologies. This one’s more like an episode of Murder, She Wrote Presents: The Stories Jessica Fletcher Is Writing While Everyone in Cabot Cove (and Everywhere Else) Is Temporarily Not Being Murdered.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury (who is barely in it)?

Rene Auberjonois, whose name I can never say correctly, is Prof. Harry Papasian. You may recognize him as Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Former teen star Shaun Cassidy is Chad Singer.

Paul Clemens plays Michael Prentice.

Herb Edelman, who was married to Dorothy on Golden Girls, is Max Hellinger.

Karen Grassle (best known from Little House on the Prairie) plays Christine Stoneham.

George Grizzard is Prof. Tyler Stoneham.

Tom Hallick (The Young and the Restless) is Vice Chancellor Simon.

Jennifer Holmes, one of The Misfits of Science, plays Reagan Miller.

Mario Podesta! I mean, Scott Jacoby! He plays Danny Young.

Tony Award-winning Dinah Manoff, who played Maggy in Child’s Play, is Jenny Coopersmith.

In smaller roles, Alex Henteloff is Raymond Parnell, Brenda Thomson is a pianist, Paris Vaughan is Pauline, William Hubbard Knight is Lt. Perkins, Hope Haves is a young woman, Alexander Folk is Hargrove, Stephen Swofford is Templeton, and Parkwer Stevenson is Michael Digby, despite being uncredited.

What happens?

The bookend episode format was created mainly to give Angela Lansbury a break from the relentless filming schedule that came with starring in Murder, She Wrote. The show was wildly popular, and Lansbury was in every scene of almost every episode. These bookend stories allowed producers to keep the show on the air while letting her rest her voice and maybe enjoy a weekend without discovering corpses in Cabot Cove.

In addition to being a friend of the Grim Reaper and often giving the older men of Cabot Cove boners they didn’t know they still could, Jessica writes books. Here’s one she’s proofreading, all about Michael Prentice, a college student and musician who finds himself in a nightmare situation when his music professor steals his compositions and claims them as his own. This professor — Harry Papasian — isn’t just borrowing a few notes either. He’s lifting entire musical pieces and presenting them as his own work. It’s academic plagiarism mixed with musical theft, which in the rarefied world of university composition departments might as well be grand larceny.

Michael knows he’s being robbed but has no proof. So he turns to his friends Chad and Jenny, and the three of them hatch a plan that is either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. They’re going to break into the professor’s office and retrieve the original manuscripts.

Because nothing clears your name like committing a felony.

Their plan actually works — at least at first. They sneak into the office looking for Michael’s stolen music. But before they can leave, someone calls the police. And when everyone ends up back in the professor’s office, Professor Papasian is dead. He’s been stabbed with Michael’s tuning fork.

The evidence is overwhelming: motive, opportunity and a murder weapon that belongs to their friend. But Chad and Jenny know Michael didn’t do it. So the rest of the episode becomes a race to find the real killer before his life is destroyed. They start digging through the professor’s professional and personal life, uncovering secrets, grudges and the kind of academic rivalries that make high school drama look like kindergarten.

Meanwhile, the episode occasionally cuts back to Jessica Fletcher happily proofreading the story and making editorial tweaks, which creates a weird meta layer. We’re watching a mystery that exists inside another mystery writer’s imagination.

Who did it?

It’s the professor’s wife.

Who made it?

Nick Havinga made tons of TV shows and movies, including The Girl Who Saved the World. This was written by Arthur Marks, who directed J.D.’s Revenge and Friday Foster. Oh yeah! He wrote The Centerfold Girls, which might be the sleaziest credit connected to the otherwise polite world of Jessica Fletcher.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

Nope. She doesn’t dress up, she doesn’t trick anyone, and she definitely doesn’t get any romantic subplot. She barely appears.

Was it any good?

The mystery itself is decent enough, but the absence of Jessica wandering around politely dismantling people’s alibis makes the whole thing feel a little off. Watching other characters solve the case inside one of her fictional stories just isn’t as fun. Part of the magic of Murder, She Wrote is watching Lansbury gently interrogate suspects while pretending she’s just asking innocent questions. Without that, the episode feels like a regular 1980s TV mystery with a cameo introduction.

Any trivia?

Four of the actors would appear on The Golden Girls: Herb Edelman was Stan, Dorothy’s ex-husband; George Grizzard was Blanche’s ex-husband George, as well as George’s brother Jamie; Scott Jacoby was Dorothy and Stan’s son Michael and Dinah Manoff was next-door neighbor Carol, who spun off to Empty Nest

There is a real-life Murder. She Wrote book with the same title. Set in New Orleans during a jazz festival, Jessica is part of the investigation into the death of arts critic Wayne Copely, found dead near the grave of a voodoo queen. 

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Did you ever try to argue with a computer? It is impossible. It’s like trying to talk sense to Amos Tupper once he’s made up his mind about something.

What’s next?

A sensationalist TV presenter is killed, and suspicion falls on one of the clients whose products he maligned. George Takei and Adrienne Barbeau? Let’s do it!

Murder, She Wrote S3 E13: Crossed Up (1987)

The phone wires get crossed during a storm and Jessica can’t convince anyone that what she heard was really a murder plot.

Season 3, Episode 13: Crossed Up (February 1, 1987)

Even when Jessica is sick in bed, people still die, and she’s in the midst of it all.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

William Windom and Tom Bosley are back as Dr. Seth and Sheriff Amos.

Michael Horton? Oh no. Grady is in this.

Colleen Camp plays Dody Rogers. She’s been in everything from Battle for the Planet of the Apes to ClueSliverDeath GamePolice Academy 2 and 4Smile, and so much more.

Tony Dow plays Gordon Rogers. He’s Beaver’s brother!

Stephanie Dunnam plays Leslie Cameron. She was in Silent Rage and Play Dead.

James Carroll Jordan plays Adam Rogers, Gisele Mackenzie is Mona, Sandy McPeak is Morgan Rogers, Henry Brandon is Abel Gorcey, James McIntire is Deputy Wells, and Yolanda Nava is a TV announcer.

What happens?

Jessica has hurt her back putting in new windows, so she’s stuck in bed. Dr. Seth says that she needs at least a week more bed rest and gives her a Life Alert bracelet in case she falls and can’t get up. So she’s stuck with Grady making every tuna fish recipe he knows, and if you’ve seen the horrible women Grady has dated on this show, you know that he loves the smell of tuna.

She picks up the phone to call someone and overhears a voice hiring someone to kill an old man. She begs Grady to go tell the news to Sheriff Amos, and he runs out on his bike, nearly getting run over, which makes me sad because I’d love to watch Grady get run down, have the van back up and then roll over his fecund corpse again.

Anyway, everyone acts like J.B. is an idiot, not someone who has already solved two seasons’ worth of murders. Amos just wanted to eat at Mona’s Diner, which means that, from what I’ve seen so far on this show, a small town like Cabot Cove has at least five diners, so nearly one diner per hundred people who live there. No wonder the tourist trade is so important.

The murder Jessica was trying to stop happens, and it’s lumber industrialist Jedediah Rogers, who has three boys — Adam, Gordon and Morgan — who are all about to get rich. Except, well, his journal and will are missing. He also has a granddaughter, Leslie, whom Grady bones up over. She tells him that her grandfather was changing the will to give her all the money and that she has his journal.

Meanwhile, Jessica is solving the case from her Serta. Abel Gorcey, the man who would be the killer, died hours before the actual murder. Amos ends up interrogating everyone while wearing a tape recorder so he can play it for Jessica, who suddenly hears an allergic Gordon on TV and realizes — that’s the killer.

Then this goes all giallo, and a masked killer breaks into J.B.’s place to knife her. Lucky for her, Seth gave her the bracelet, and she called the fire trucks just in time to save her life.

Who did it?

Dody is working with Gordon.

Who made it?

This was directed by the last episode’s bad guy, David Hemings, and written by Steven Long Mitchell and Craig W. Van Sickle, who created the TV shows Cobra and The Pretender.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No, she’s too busy being in pain and under the covers.

Was it any good?

Yes! It’s Rear Window, but still fun.

Any trivia?

The lightning bolt during the storm is the same one that the U.S.S. Minnow sailed past in the opening of Gilligan’s Island. They flipped the shot, so you don’t recognize it.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Do you ever get the feeling that you’ve overlooked something obvious? That you’ve done something wrong?

Dr. Seth Hazlitt: Yeah. Every time I vote for Amos.

What’s next?

Jessica tells the story of her new novel about a college student accused of killing his music professor, who plagiarized his compositions.

Murder, She Wrote S3 E12: The Corpse Flew First Class (1987)

While on a flight to London, a wealthy woman’s chauffeur dies suddenly, and when the priceless necklace he was carrying turns up missing, it becomes a case of murder.

Season 3, Episode 12: The Corpse Flew First Class (January 18, 1987)

JB is headed to London to research some dusty old Victorian slaying, because apparently, Cabot Cove doesn’t have enough corpses to keep her busy this week. But before she can even touch her complimentary peanuts, the guy in 4B, Leon Bigard, decides to kick the bucket right there in coach.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Mary Jo Catlett plays Mrs. Metcalf. She was Rosemary in Serial Mom

Robin Dearden is Kay Davis.

Pat Harrington Jr., Schneider from One Day at a Time, is Gunnar Globle.

David Hemings is investigator Errol Pogson. He was in so much, but Deep Red is the one.

Kate Mulgrew is Sonny Greer. Captain Janeaway!

Gene Nelson is Louis Metcalf, Andrew Parks is Fred Jenkins, Vince Howard is Blanton, Robert Walker Jr. (Star Trek’s Charlie X) is Otto Hardwick, Charles Hoyes is Carney, John S. Ragin is Dr. Clint Strayhorn, and Chris Robinson is Capt. Whetsel. 

James Shigeta, Takagi from Die Hard, is John Sukahara.

The dead person, Leon Bigard, is played by Mark Venturini, who was Suicide in Return of the Living Dead

Lia Sargent is Elizabeth Welch. She’s done a ton of animated voices.

In smaller roles, Charles Davis is Mr. Stegmeyer, Don Maharry is Mr. Miley, Crystal Jenious is Mrs. Miley, Ron Barker is British Chief, Ian Howard is a security man, Ron Southart is Bobby, Jim Malinda is a photographer, Curtis Hood is a porter, John Straightley is a customs man, Gerald York is a man on the phone, and Robert Bakanic, Dotty Ertel, Buddy Gates and Walter Spear are passengers.

What happens?

Leon was the bodyguard (read: boy-toy) for heiress Sonny Greer. He was also carrying the Empress Carlotta necklace, a bauble worth more than a mid-sized European country. When Leon expires, the necklace vanishes, and J.B. Fletcher has to solve a locked-cabin mystery at 30,000 feet.

Enter Inspector Pogson of Scotland Yard. Usually, the local heat wants to throw J.B. Fletcher in jail, interfering, but Pogson realizes pretty quickly that he’s outmatched by a woman who writes mystery novels and has a 100% conviction rate. What follows is a high-altitude whodunit where everyone on the flight is a suspect, the motive is pure greed, and the only thing more dangerous than the killer is the airline food.

The craziest thing is that Gunnar Globle is based on Roger Corman. He’d like Jessica to touch up the script for Off-road Aliens 2, and I’d like her to take on that project. He could also be a reference to the Cannon Go Go Boys, Golan and Globus.

Sonny Greer turns out to have poisoned Mr. Bigard. Jessica finds out that they were in a situationship and he’s been moving on, ready to break up with her when they get to London. She kills him before that.

There’s also the matter of the Empress Carlotta necklace, which Mr. Hardwick was planning to steal. Maybe he had some help. We’ll see. When it’s switched out for a fake, John Sukahara turns out to be a gem expert and calls it out as fake.

Between a necklace and a murder, that’s a lot on one plane. But when you let Jessica fly, I’m shocked no one died.

Who did it?

The real enemy is Pogson, who planned to switch out the necklace and retire.

Who made it?

This was directed by Walter Grauman and written by Donald Ross, who also wrote Hamburger: The Motion Picture.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. It seemed like she was going to bang it out with the inspector, but once he’s bad, she can’t get with him.

Was it any good?

Yes. A great cast!

Any trivia?

The Blues Brothers is the in-flight movie.

Twelve of the characters have the last names of musicians, singers or arrangers who worked for Duke Ellington.

This was made on the set of Airport 1975.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Mr. Globle… Here’s your script. You know, I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed the sophisticated imagery and the poetic wit. I see it as a cross between cinema verite…

Gunnar Globle: Imagery and cinema verite?

Jessica Fletcher: I think if you change the title, it might do very well in those quaint little, uh, art theaters.

Customs Man: Anything to declare, sir?

Gunnar Globle: Yes. This is a dud.

What’s next?

The phone lines get crossed during a storm, and Jessica can’t convince anyone that what she heard was a real murder plot. It’s directed by David Hemings, who was in this episode!

Murder, She Wrote S3 E11: Night of the Headless Horseman (1987)

Accused of murdering his own bully, soft-spoken poet Dorian Beecher relies on Jessica’s assistance to prove his innocence.

Season 3, Episode 11:  Night of the Headless Horseman (January 4, 1987)

What begins as a humorous deception ends in a murder investigation; now, Jessica must clear Dorian’s name after his elaborate lies make him the perfect suspect for Nate Findley’s death.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Dorian Beecher, who is behind all of this, is played by Thom Bray, who was in Prince of Darkness and The Prowler.

Brady kid Barry Williams plays the victim, Nate Findley.

Sarah Dupont is played by Karlene Crockett, who was in Eyes of Fire

Bobbie is Judy Landers, who was in Dr. Alien and so many other movies. Her sister, Audrey, was in two episodes of the show.

Sheriff Sam Rankin, the law around here, is Doug McClure from The Land That Time Forgot

Hope Lange plays Charlotte Newcastle. She was Bronson’s wife in Death Wish

Dentist Penn Doc Walker is played by Charles Siebert.

Dorn Van Stotter is Guy Stockwell from It’s Alive

Fritz Weaver from Creepshow is Edwin Dupont.

In smaller roles, Brandon Douglas plays Todd Carrier, Donald Thompson is Robert, Adam Ferries is Brendan, Sanford Clark is a man, Gary Pagett is a deputy, Tom Ohmer is a cop, John England is another guy, Bill Baker is a young blonde guy in a car, and Forry Smith is a man. 

What happens?

After that beginning, with Dorian being accused of murder, he then gets harassed by a figure dressed like the Headless Horseman. He thinks it’s Nate Findley who wants to steal his girlfriend, Sarah. But no, it’s just a kid at first, then Doc Walker, who has stolen Nick’s horse. 

But Doc, well, poor Doc has been going through it too. Nate killed his fiancée, Gretchen, and then basically told Doc that he did it. 

Lots of death for such a new small town.

Who did it?

Doc Walker isn’t your typical villain. He’s a sympathetic figure driven by grief, which makes the episode’s ending hit much harder.

By the end of this, Nate is dead, the groundskeeper is under arrest for embezzlement, the dentist is under arrest for murder, Gretchen is also dead, and Sarah has broken up with Dorian. Dorian is not guilty, at least.

The fact that Nate killed Gretchen before the episode even started suggests that this quiet town has been harboring a monster for a long time. Jessica doesn’t just solve a murder; she lances a boil that has been festering in the community.

Who made it?

This was directed by Walter Grauman and written by R. Barker Price, who also wrote David Schmoeller’s Catacombs.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No! Come on!

Was it any good?

I liked it. I really liked it.

Any trivia?

McClure, Lange, Crockett, Siebert and Weaver have all been in multiple episodes of this show.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: You’re up for a murder charge. Murder! Twenty years to life. Maybe more!

What’s next?

While on a flight to London, a wealthy woman’s chauffeur dies suddenly, and when the priceless necklace he was carrying turns up missing, it becomes a case of murder.

Doctor Bloodbath (1987)

Dr. Thorn (Albert Eskinazi) isn’t your average medical professional. He’s a man who treats a turkey baster like a surgical instrument, and his patients like scraps for the bin. In a brisk yet grueling 57 minutes, Thorn balances a busy schedule performing cut-rate abortions, moonlighting as a serial killer to finish the job at his patients’ homes and ignoring his wife, Claire (Irmgard Millard), in favor of staring blankly at the wall or dreaming of ritualistically stabbing baby dolls.

If you’ve already left from that description, well, you aren’t reading this.

For the rest of us who have stuck around, welcome to the world of Nick Millard.

The doctor is in, and he brought a cleaver, a hammer and a knife. You will see what happens in grisly detail, and by that, I mean the effects of magic you may have come to expect from Millard.

Like a true SOV auteur, Millard doesn’t let a good asset go to waste. Much like the Criminally Insane/Crazy Fat Ethel naming shell game, Doctor Gore is a masterclass in recycling. It features the same droning, hypnotic soundtrack and even reuses the credit sequence from Crazy Fat Ethel, listing actors who aren’t even in the building. It’s not just a movie; it’s a lore-heavy puzzle for the depraved.

The plot thickens when Claire reveals she’s been funding and bedding a Polish poet. When she ends up pregnant and asks her husband to handle it, the movie shifts from a standard slasher into a domestic nightmare of epic, low-fi proportions.

Less than an hour of your life lived in endless drone and muddy VHS distortion. You should be so lucky.

Delitti (1987)

Directed and written by Giovanna Lenzi (who also appears in this movie as Julie Garrett) and Sergio Pastore (married to Lenzi at the time; he also directed Crimes of the Black Cat), Delitti arrives after the Giallos of the 70s and even the revival in the 80s, as erotic thrillers were just putting a different name on the same genre. 

The weapon for the killer in this case is the uric acid in coffee with sugar, which creates hydrogen cyanide and transforms into a poison capable of murder. This is Giallo BS Science at its finest; uric acid is “a natural byproduct of purine metabolism in the body, and while it can lead to conditions like gout when levels become too high, coffee does not appear to increase uric acid levels or create hydrogen cyanide.”

It certainly can’t turn your face into a death mask, like in this movie. Even if it also contains snake venom.

Anyways… at least this has music by Guido and Maurizio de Angelis, or as we know them, Oliver Onions. So it has that going for it.

This has an inspector trying to learn who is using this poison to kill people and a killer who likes to dance. I get it. I feel the call of the dance as well, but I’m not stalking women and forcing them to see my gyrations. There’s a ton of dance in this, as one couple literally frugs before they, well, fuck. Or they would, if the dude hadn’t pulled a knife and made the detective walk right in. And it turns into a karate fight? And has dialogue like this? “Enough of your polite evasiveness, inspector. Let’s just say it like it is: that my brother was gay and liked to dress in women’s clothes was already generally known, wasn’t it?”

Oh, Delitti, you crazy.

Also: There’s a strange fight with choking between two lingerie-wearing women who then take a shower together.

Also also: A dwarf who likes to make snuff films.

As for the cast, we have Michela Miti as Betty. She was also in Gialloparma and Andrea Bianchi’s The Seduction of Angela. As you can imagine, for the star of a Bianchi film, she’s naked for much of this movie. Saverio Vallone is Bob; he was also in Antropophagus. Sascha Darwin was in plenty of Fulci’s late movies, such as Touch of Death and Voices from Beyond, as well as two of the Fulci Presents movies, The Murder Secret (there’s Bianchi again) and Bloody Psycho. Solvi Stubing is also on hand, making her first movie in five years and long after her heyday of making movies like Strip Nude for Your Killer (yes, I see you, Bianchi). And is that Gianni Dei I observe, Patrick from Patrick Still Lives?

Grotty sex scenes, music taken from A Blade In the Dark, lots of synth, so much dancing and a closing line that says, “Be careful who you hang with girls. Make sure that he is not a snake lover…”

They say this is the worst giallo ever made — also the only one directed by a woman, until Knife + Heart — but it’s so relentlessly weird that I enjoyed myself.

Sadly, during the premiere of this movie, Pastore suffered a fatal stroke. That’s one way to avoid the critics.

You can watch this on YouTube.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Garbage Pail Kids (1987)

The Garbage Pail Kids were created by Art Spiegelman and released by Topps in 1985. Yes, the same cartoonist who made Maus. He and Mark Newgarden worked together as the editors and art directors of the project, with Len Brown — the same person who Wally Wood named T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agent Dynamo after and one of the creators of Wacky Packages and Mars Attacks — as the manager and art by John Poundart for the first series, then Jay Lynch, Tom Bunk, James Warhola — the nephew of Andy Warhol — and more.

These cards were a huge success and sold worldwide (they’re called Mr. Creepy in Japan, Totally Broken Kids in Germany, The Filthies in France, Snotlings in Italy and The Garbage Gang elsewhere). They were quite controversial and banned in many schools. And then Original Appalachian Artworks — the same Xavier Roberts who stole the look of Martha Nelson Thomas’ soft-sculpture dolls that came with a birth certificate — sued, and they had to change the logo. But by 1988, the kids were gone. Yet they came back in 2003 and never went away. You can even get blockchain-backed high-end versions of them now.

Look, I’m someone who doesn’t believe in “so bad it’s good” and has found the light in the darkness of so many so-called bad films. This one challenged my will to live, but there are times during it when the overwhelming badness of the film approaches surrealist art, and I laughed so hard that my head began to throb and I was sure this was the stroke that would wipe out my lifelong hard-earned knowledge of Mattei, D’Amato and lesser scumbag directors.

Dodger (Mackenzie Astin) works in the junk store of magician Captain Manzini (Anthony Newley) and is also the target of a gang of toughs led by Juice (Ron MacLachlan) while loving that bad dude’s girl, Tangerine (Katie Barberi), from afar.

To break up all that preteen angst, a garbage can falls from the sky containing green ooze and the Garbage Pail Kids: the always snotty Messy Tessie; the Hawaiian shirt-wearing flatulent Windy Winston; the throw up on command Valerie Vomit (played by Debbie Lee Carrington, memorable as the small-statured Martian rebel in Total Recall); the whining baby Foul Phil; the acne-scarred superhero Nat Nerd and the toe eating reptilian hybrid nightmare called Ali Gator.  None of these characters are in any way endearing, cute, or ugly. They’re borderline upsetting, and the more I think about it, the more I love this movie for being so dead and vacant.

After having our protagonist covered with sewage and abused by the gang, only to be saved by the Kids, it still has Dodger in love with Tangerine, who wants to be a fashion designer and puts the GPK into service as pretty much slaves. The kids steal a Pepsi truck — I can’t imagine Pepsi would have loved how they’re presented in this — and then go to a Three Stooges festival, which makes them so insane that they drink beer with bikers, and Ali Gator gets to eat some toes. Despite being babies and children, the GPK get drunk on beer, which is encouraged by the film, and sing songs so inane that I again started to laugh the kind of frenzied guffaws that only happen when I endure severe physical pain.

Despite the kids being put into the State Home for the Ugly, a place where Gandhi and Santa Claus are executed because this is a movie for children, they escape, ruin a fashion show and refuse to go away, not even following the rules of Mr. Mxyzptlk.

If it seems like Dodger and Tangerine seem on again, off again and ill-matched, well — Astin and Barberi dated and broke up mid-movie. That wasn’t Austin’s only issue. He got the movie without telling his father, John Astin, who tried to get his son out of this film.

Rod Amateau directed and co-wrote this, and his career was, well, something. He started his career doing stunts in movies like Rebel Without a Cause and Mighty Joe Young (he was also a stunt driver for Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker and Thunder Run after this directing career took off) and then wrote and directed episodes of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, produced and directed 78 episodes of The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, produced and directed The New Phil Silvers Show, directed nearly every episode of My Mother the Car and also made The Statue, one of the few movies Roger Ebert ever walked out on, as well as High School U.S.A., the movie that convinced Joel Robinson to leave Hollywood; Son of Hitler, a Peter Cushing movie that never played outside of Germany; and he also wrote Sunset, one of the many Blake Edwards films — and mistakes — that a nascent Bruce Willis would make.

I can’t even imagine the horror movie that John Carl Buechler — who did the effects for this as well as TerrorVisionDollsHard Rock ZombiesHalloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and many, many more, as well as directing Cellar DwellerWatchers 4 and Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood — had planned.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie grossed just $661,512 during its opening weekend and eventually $1.6 million on a $1 million budget, but was still seen as a major disappointment. Astin told Mental Floss, “The heroes of the entire experience are the seven little people actors in costumes every day in triple-digit heat in the San Fernando Valley. They couldn’t see or hear. There was only so much time they could have the heads on before they ran out of oxygen.”

Effects artist William Butler went even further: “I think it was a stupid idea of a stupid screenplay, with stupid designs, that made for a cacophony of stupidity.”