Spagvemberfest 2023: A Pistol for 100 Coffins (1968)

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Also known as El sabor del odio (The Taste of Hate), A Gun for One Hundred Graves and Vengeance, this Italian-Spanish Western was directed by Umberto Lenzi and written by Marco Leto, Vittorio Salerno and Eduardo Manzanos.

Jim Slade (Peter Lee Lawrence) had it rough in the Civil War. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness, so he refused to shoot other soldiers. He’s locked up in a labor camp for cowardice before being pardoned. When he gets home, he finds that his parents are dead.

Jim gets over that whole thing about not killing people pretty quick, taking out three of the four suspects quickly. That’s when he goes after their leader, Texas Corbett (Piero Lulli), which brings him to Galveston. Seconds after he shows up, he meets a preacher by the name of Douglas (John Ireland) and witnesses a bank robbery. He soon learns that Corbett was behind that robbery, so he gets the job of sheriff so he can legally hunt down and kill him.

This feels like an Italian Western mixtape with a weird undertaker (A Fistful of Dollars) and an end battle in a cemetery (Django). Then again, if you get upset with every Italian movie that rips something off, you’re going to be angry your entire life.

My favorite thing about this is that even though Jim is now able to kill people, he only drinks water. Never whiskey.

You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK THE SWINGIN’ SEVENTIES: The Proud and the Damned (1972)

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Once Confederate soldiers and now mercenaries, Sgt. Will Hansen (Chuck Connors), Ike (Aron Kincaid), Hank (Henry Caps), Jeb (Smokey Robards), and Billy (Peter Ford) have just come from Texas to Colombia. In hours, they’re captured by General Martinez (Andres Marquis) and forced to join the rebels and report back what they discover from them.

Will also soon meets and falls for a gypsy girl named Mila (Anita Quinn) whose father is so angry about her dating a white man that he cuts off her ear. Will responds by shooting him because the holidays are gonna be weird after this. So because Will gets detained, Martinez finds him and hangs him. Yes, that’s right, the hero of the story dies before the end. The rest of the mercenaries — who never make any money from their soldier work — join the rebels, get revenge and get killed. Except Billy. Because of dumb luck, he fell off his horse and missed the deaths of his friends.

This was directed and written by Ferde Grofé Jr., who also made Hellraiders and Judgement Day. He finished shooting in 1969 and the movie wasn’t released until 1972, so it didn’t seem to work out all that well. At least Cesar Romero got some work.

Don’t have the box set? You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK THE SWINGIN’ SEVENTIES: The New Adventures of Heidi (1978)

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Directed by Ralph Senensky (Death Cruise) and written by John McGreevey (The Death of Richie), this remake moves Heidi from Switzerland to New York City. It’s also a musical.

Heidi is played by Katy Kurtzman and her friend Elizabeth Wyler is played by Sherrie Wills. It’s the same story you expect, as Elizabeth is fascinated by the rural life of Heidi and her grandfather (Burl Ives).

While you see a lot of snow in this, it was shot in the summer in Los Angeles, so the acting is pretty decent. After all, it was in the 80s while fake snow was falling on the ground. Also: the grandfather is assumed dead for nearly a year and no one calls the police or tries to help Heidi. Instead, they bring her to live with the rich people and treat her like a pet, then solve the grandfather’s blindness by paying for surgery because money solves everything.

Maybe I’ve never seen Heidi before or something.

Tales from the Crypt S2 E2: The Switch (1990)

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has only directed two projects: the TV movie Christmas In Connecticut and this episode. It’s based on “The Switch” from Tales from the Crypt #45, written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Graham Ingels. Strangely, this is the first story from the actual Tales from the Crypt comic book to be adapted for the show.

It’s a simple little parable. A rich elderly bachelor named Carlton Webster (William Hickey) wants to impress Linda (Kelly Preston) by switching his body with Hands, who is a more vital younger man (Rick Rossovich). Tey being young again turns out to be very expensive. And is she looking for looks or — shudder — money?

The Crypt Keeper even gets interrupted by Arnold in this!

Crypt Keeper: “Welcome horror hooligans, this is your shiver chef. It’s disgusting what people will do to stay young.”

Arnold: What’s the matter with you? Want to keep that 90-pound corpse for the rest of your death? Keep pumping while I tell the story. Tonight’s story is about an old man who finds a new wrinkle in the fountain of youth. A twisted tale that we call “The Switch.””

Roy Brocksmith, who plays the doctor who operates on Carlton, must be an Arnold favorite. He was Dr. Edgemar in Total Recall, the man who sends Arnold on an adventure. Arnold also enjoyed working with Kelly Preston on Twins, so he cast her, and he was in The Terminator with Rossovich (who is in Spellbinder with Preston).

MILL CREEK THE SWINGIN’ SEVENTIES: Rulers of the City (1976)

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Also known as The Big Boss, Mr. Scarface and Blood and Bullets, this was directed by Fernando Di Leo. He started his career mainly being known for his writing, including A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, Massacre Time, Live Like a Cop, Die Like a Man and so many more. He co-wrote it with Peter Berling, who was often in Kalus Kinski movies before writing a series of conspiracy novels about the Priory of Sion.

Tony (Henry Baer) works as a money collector for Cherico (Edmund Purdom) but he dreams of leaving his life of crime behind and settling on the beaches of Brazil. He decides to fast forward all the hard work of being a henchman by working with Rick (Al Cliver) and Napoli (Vittorio Caprioli) to rob the biggest boss of all, Scarface Manzari (Jack Palance).

It takes its time getting there, with Tony mostly cracking wise, cracking schools and, well, cracking smiles at the many ladies he sees during his days and nights of collecting blood money. He would have never even considered going after Scarface if he didn’t kill Cherico instead of repaying his debt. By the end, our hero has tracked his enemy — actually, his lifelong enemy, even if we don’t get that knowledge for some time — to a slaughterhouse where he wipes out the entire family.

Added bonus: Gisela Hahn (Devil Hunter, White Pop Jesus, Disco Fieber) is in the cast. And man, Jack Palance is so macho that he even makes a cigarette holder look manly. Like, the same kind of long effete cigarette holder that, let’s say, Cruella de Vil would use.

THAN-KAIJU-GIVING: Godzilla X the Kaiju Killer (2009)

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Directed by Chris Elchesyn, this is the story of the end of Earth, a planet with one human — XY-3 (Richard Jones and Danielle Ryan) — left alive and a planet filled with mutations. After a battle with the alien Mugal (Elchesyn), the cyborg soldier accidentally releases Stalkkus, a kaiju that turns on him. Only Godzilla can stop this monster.

This is a grim and gritty post-apocalyptic take on Godzilla which may not have him be the main character. For the budget, it’s an interesting movie even if the nu metal soundtrack may date it the further we get away from 2009. That’s a minor problem, however. It’s also pretty talky, but when the monsters start fighting, you’ll forget all about that.

Or maybe not, looking at some reviews. Guess some people don’t like Disturbed.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Artwork for this post from Matt Frank.

THAN-KAIJU-GIVING: Legendary Giant Beast Wolfman Vs. Godzilla (1983)

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Wolfman vs. Godzilla (Densetsu no Kyojū Ōkami Otoko tai Gojira or Legendary Beast Wolfman vs. Godzilla) is an incomplete fan film that was directed by Shizuo Nakajima. Nakajima also made Wolfman vs. Baragon, another fan film that he made with the assistance of several former Toho employees. Though filming began in 1983, it is unknown if the film is complete or will ever be released.

During his tenure at Toho, Nakajima served as a production assistant on Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla and Terror of Mechagodzilla. He still updates his Facebook page with clips of the movie.

With costumes by  Fuyuki Shinada, who would go on to design the monsters in Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack, there was ten hours of footage shot for this movie. It was unknown until a panel at a Godzilla convention in 2012.

Images from Wolfman vs. Baragon.

As far as can be told from the story, a werewolf becomes irradiated and grows to daikaiju size. Godzilla awakens from the North Pole and the two creatures fight. Godzilla may be a more out of control monster such as he was in the early Showa series but is the hero.

You can see the footage that exists here:

References:

THAN-KAIJU-GIVING: Bigfoot vs. Megalodon (2021)

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I’ve been into this series since Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati and how can you not love movies with titles like Bigfoot vs. Krampus, Van Helsing, Xterminator and the AI Apocalypse, Bigfoot Goes to Hell and the upcoming Bigfoot vs. Megalodon 2? I nearly forgot Trump vs. the Illuminati!

As the last survivors of the human race try to rebuild society, they have to face off with Megalodon, which has been genetically engineered by the Third Reich, and as always, Aleister Crowley and his army of Archons.

On the good side, we have Van Helsing, Princess Kali, Dr. Jekyll and Bigfoot. Kali and Van Helsing — a clone of the original — have become something of a couple and debate recreating the human race if they ever stop fighting. Meanwhile, Crowley wants to lure Bigfoot to his side and sacrifice him to Satan.

Oh man. I just learned that there’s another movie in this series, Tickles the Clown.

Just a warning. You might see this and thing it looks like your kid’s favorite video game and think you can sit them in front of it. Unless you want your child to ask you some very strange questions about sexual slang, maybe you should find something else. Or I don’t know, let them watch it and learn all about future Nazis and space princesses that like to rough sex. I’m not the parent. I’m just some guy who likes CGI Bigfoot swearing at people.

You can watch this on Tubi.

THAN-KAIJU-GIVING: God Raiga vs King Ohga (2021)

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The third film of Shinpei Hayashiya’s “Deep Sea Monster Series,” this is the sequel to 2009’s Raiga: God of the Monsters.

Raiga returns, rising in Atami Harbor and attacking the city as another monster, Ohga appears to attack him. As the city is destroyed, the defense force launches a new KAMIKAZE as well as a drill tank named Gokumei. As always, the real issue might be the government, who looks at the destruction of the city as a way to make room for a new casino.

It takes so many weapons to take out these two monsters, including pulse weapons, a Gatling Robot, tanks, planes, helicopters, a NI-26 Amphibious Combat Vehicle and a Plasma Photon Bomb that won’t just take out the creatures but anyone near it. Spoiler warning: It also creates a whole new monster, Kuga, which makes its way to Hawaii and a battle with the volcano-generated Dias.

There are moments here where your brain may just give up with all the strobing and colors on screen. There are even scenes where action figures take the place of human beings. This also has dumb government officials — like a comedy version of Shin Godzilla — working with CIA agents that may as well be Ellwood and Jake Blues.

You can watch this on Tubi. You can also buy the blu ray from SRS.

THAN-KAIJU-GIVING: Planet Patrol (1999)

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Planet Patrol is a Full Moon anthology movie without telling you that it will be, taking parts of Kraa! the Sea Monster, Doctor Mordrid,  Subspecies and Robot Wars to make an entirely new movie that makes you feel crazy because you’ve certainly seen some of these moments and heard even some of the dialogue.

They took the first few minutes of Kraa! and then take us to the headquarters of the Planet Patrol, which is the museum from Doctor Mordrid. Someone steals the Bloodstone that belongs to Radu and then a dinosaur from Doctor Mordrid to come into this movie and the skeleton ones as well, except that the creature was created by Patrolman Curtis (Alison Lohman), a Planet Patrol member with mental powers. Then, you get a supercut of Kraa! that actually improves that movie by cutting most of it.

There’s also the same Lord Doom from Kraa!

It’s like Full Moon had no money but people were demanding movies, so they said, “What if we made a family film with all this footage we have here?” Notably no other studios usually do this. It’d be like if the next Marvel movie was an entirely new movie made up of scenes from Iron Man and Avengers. People would lose their minds. With Full Moon, you just expect this and shrug and wonder why they do things like this.

You can watch this on Tubi.