Trappin’ 4 Christmas (2021)

From the Urban Dictionary: Trappin: The act of dealing or selling illegal drugs for the accumulation of wealth. Drug dealers often partake in “Trappin.” The word originates from Atlanta. “I was trappin’ on the corner when the 5o rolled up” or “He is trappin’ at the party and making a killing.”

Midnight Black is an Atlanta record producer who has worked with Young Jeezy, 8Ball & MJG, Greg Street and others. He wrote and did the music for this.

Director and co-writer Lisa Maydwell also wrote Haunted Trail, a movie that was on the site a few weeks ago.

As for the story, it’s about Granny Mae (Rita Kendall), who is about to lose her house to the bank, but her grandchildren 808 (Kadar Brown) and TR (Brian Loving) work to use their trappin’ skills to save it. There’s also a sex worker named Pretty Peach (Phyllis “Tank” Allen) who is scammed men out of money, a dude named Mooshie who is running all sorts of scams when he isn’t getting the weird curl in the middle of his heap worked at in the barbershop, a Trap News TV crew with a British girl (Erica “Erica Duchess” Stinchomb) reporting on the goings on and actors named Mr. Fireball, Mr. Elmo, Crum.com and Trap Boi Hot who are all basically yelling at the camera.

Everything that can get called trap in this movie is. Like, there’s trap milk. There’s also an amazing scene when the tax bill comes in and it’s just a piece of paper that has a handwritten note. “Tax bill. $10,000.”

You know how people looked down on Cheech & Chong and then ICP made movies and people saw what Cheech & Chong did as high art? This is kind of like the same thing. That said, everyone has high energy and really believes in what they are doing, even if it’s stuff like a guy named Drum getting made fun of at a barbershop and then screwed over by a girl and then butt naked on the news.

There’s a Bad Santa but I have no idea what Christmas has to do with this other than the fact that the grandmother is losing her home at the worst time of the year. This is not the worst Tubi Christmas movie that I have watched which really says something.

As this movie would say, “Merry Trapmas.”

You can watch this on Tubi.

A Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)

The Bedrock Community Players presents A Christmas Carol, starring Fred Flintsone as Scrooge, Barney Rubble as Bob Cragit, Betty as Mrs. Cragit, Pebbles as Martha and Bamm-Bamm as Tiny Tim. Mr. Slate is Jacob Marbley and Dino even gets a part as the Cragit’s pet.

Fred becomes Scrooge through method acting making everyone hate him, as he does stuff like forgetting to drop off Pebbles at day care and also pick her up. He makes his wife do everything. This gets harder for her as everyone in the play gets the Bedrock Bug, which is kind of like COVID-19 or so it seems.

Strangely, this cartoon for kids in no way pulls punches, discussing how Tiny Tim won’t make it to next year and featuring Fred lying on his own grave screaming for his life. I have no idea how people explained all of this to their children.

Unlike 1993’s A Flintstone Christmas, this takes place in the classic Flintstones timeline with Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm still children. First showing up in syndication on November 21, 1994, It was directed by Joanna Romersa and written by Glenn Leopold. It was the final full-length Flintstones project for Jean Vanderpyl (Wilma), Don Messick (Bamm Bamm) and Henry Cohen (Fred). The same year, the theatrical film debuted.

I don’t know what turkeysaurus tastes like but I want some.

You can watch this on Tubi.

A Flintstone Christmas (1977)

In 1964, there was an episode of The Flintstones, “Christmas Flintstone,” that was the first holiday story in the town of Bedrock. This aired on NBC on December 7, 1977 and is nearly the same story.

Fred and Wilma Flintstone, along with their daughter Pebbles, and Barney and Betty Rubble. with their son Bamm-Bamm, are all ready for the holidays, which makes me think that there is a Jesus Christ in the world of the Flintstones, AD before BC.

Wilma and Betty are getting ready for the Bedrock Orphanage benefit and Fred won’t be Santa. However, when Mr. Slate asks, he changes his mind.  Santa, in a totally different style of animation than anyone else, wrecks his sleigh and Fred has to take over for Christmas. Will he get back in time to save the orphanage event?

Directed by Charles Nichols, who started his career as the animator for Coachman in Pinnochio before working at Hanna-Barbera and later back at Disney on their TV animation.

This film is the first cartoon appearance of Henry Corden as Fred Flintstone, as Alan Reed died earlier the year this was made.

A lot of the music in this is reused from A Christmas Story, another cartoon by the studio, while the song “Hope” is also in Yogi’s First Christmas.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Bah, Humduck! A Looney Tunes Christmas (2006)

I’m always kind of interested in when a cartoon revises its characters to become characters from A Christmas Carol. Daffy Duck, yes, I buy him as Scrooge, now running a big store called Lucky Duck and ruining the lives of the other Looney Tunes. Also, because there aren’t all that many Looney Tunes to go around, this has to go deep cut and include characters like Playboy Penguin, Priscilla Pig, Egghead Jr., Henery Hawk and Barnyard Dawg Jr. along with the characters that everyone knows.

Porky is Bob Cratchit, Sylvester the Cat is Jacob Marley, Granny and Tweety are the Ghost of Christmas Past, Yosemite Sam as the Present and Tasmanian Devil is the Future. As for other characters, most of them — Pepé Le Pew, Speedy Gonzales, Marvin the Martian, Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, Road Runner, Foghorn Leghorn, The Three Bears, Sam Sheepdog, Claude Cat, Charlie Dog, Miss Prissy, Gossamer, Barnyard Dawg, Mac, Tosh, Hippety Hopper, Beaky Buzzard, Pete Puma, Hubie and Bertie  — all work in the store.

Bugs Bunny just starts the whole thing off and keeps coming back to upset the duck. This doesn’t get into the sadness of the Charles Dickens story to the level that A Flintstones Christmas Carol gets into. I mean, that leans into death like no cartoon I’ve seen outside of Japanese ones.

But you know, if you want to put on a modern Looney Tunes and see how they’d treat a classic, here it is. I know that this is where as old man I need to mention that I grew up on the originals and how much better they would be than this, but man, all these battles against the fact that things are always worse and that this was made 17 years ago and there have been worse things since then has diminished my fighting edge.

You can watch this on Tubi.

B&S About Movies podcast episode 9: Last Ounce of Courage

Last Ounce of Courage is one of the biggest bullet ever fired in the War On Christmas. If you are offended by the fact that I’m a big liberal who also loves guns, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe Merry Christmas? Happy holidays? You can watch this movie on YouTube.

You can listen to the show on Spotify.

The show is also available on Apple Podcasts, I Heart Radio, Amazon Podcasts and Google Podcasts.

Blast of Silence (1961)

Ever since I read about Blast of Silence in RE/Search: Incredibly Strange Films, back in the time before you could just get a movie in moments, I’ve wanted to see this movie. I often hold back watching movies until I feel like I’m ready for them and this movie lived up to everything I thought that it would be.

Frankie Bono is a hitman working with Cleveland-based organized crime — this is where I remind you that there’s no such thing as the Mafia and Italian-Americans are a diverse group not strictly employed by organized crime — comes home over the holidays to New York City. He’s there to kill  Troiano (Peter H. Clune), which won’t be an easy kill. He’s told that if he’s seen before the kill, he won’t be paid his full paycheck.

He buys a gun and silencer from Big Ralph (Larry Tucker, who wrote Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and developed The Monkees with Paul Mazursky), a strange man who keeps sewer rats. Between his disgust for that individual and his growing memories of discontent with where he came from — growing up alone in an orphanage — and a disastrous holiday meal with old acquaintance Petey (Danny Meehan) and an even worse get-together with Petey’s sister Lorrie (Molly McCarthy) that ends with him assaulting her before regretting his actions, Frankie is falling apart before he even gets to his work.

Following Troiano and his girlfriend (Milda Memenas) to a Greenwich Village jazz club where beat artists bellow about lost love, Frankie finds Big Ralph ready to blackmail him. He follows the man home and strangles him before calling his bosses to say he can’t do the hit. He’s told he has no choice. As he starts falling to pieces, he tries to convince Lorrie to leave town with him, only to discover she already has a man (Dan Saroyan).

All alone, as he claimed he always wanted to be, he kills his mark and escapes, nearly caught multiple times, before calling for the rest of his money. The meeting place is an isolated spot by the water and Frankie is ambushed by multiple killers, shot numerous times and finally dies in the freezing December water.

He was already dead anyway. That’s because Blast of Silence may seem like a film noir from what you’ve read but it also has a completely deranged way of telling its story. That’s because Allen Baron, the director, writer and star of the movie wasn’t like most filmmakers. He got the cameras and lights for this movie from a movie he’d been on the crew for, Cuban Rebel Girls, which had been left in the country when that movie — Errol Flynn’s last — was abandoned when the production had to run in the face of the Cuban revolution. The producers of that movie — which was directed by Barry Mahon — told him that if he could get the equipment smuggled out, he could use it. As it was, Baron was already a wanted man in that country, as he was sleeping with a woman who was the girlfriend of a gangster. A confrontation ended with him shooting that man.

Shot mostly in New York City locations with no permits, the end of the film was shot at the Old Mill on a Jamaica Bay estuary on Long Island during Hurricane Donna, a location that Baron knew was a dumping ground for the dead bodies of mob hits. That moment where he hits the water and dies? That’s no stuntman. The snow and waves and rain in that scene isn’t fake either. It was filmed during Hurricane Donna.

What makes it even weirder is that the film flirts between grindhouse and arthouse, a movie that should be about bad people and murder that opens up the emotional damage that its lead is suffering from. That’s told through narration that was written by blacklisted writer Waldo Salt (Midnight CowboySerpicoComing Home) and read by also blacklisted actor Lionel Stander, which is embued with dread. Just check out how the film closes: “God moves in mysterious ways,” they said. Maybe he is on your side, the way it all worked out. Remembering other Christmases, wishing for something, something important, something special. And this is it, baby boy Frankie Bono. You’re alone now. All alone. The scream is dead. There’s no pain. You’re home again, back in the cold, black silence.”

It’s also filled with dark imagery that seems more thought-out than the normal B picture that it — on the surface — it is emulating.

Oddly, for as much about crime and murder as it seems like Baron knew, the idea that a silencer would work on a revolver is impossible.

Allen Baron was born to immigrant parents at the start of the Great Depression. In his memoir, Blast of Silence, he discusses how his father died when he was eleven, how he dropped out of school in the tenth grade, worked on the atomic bomb at sixteen years old and worked in comic books all before his mother sent him to Los Angeles to find an ex-boyfriend of hers. Once there, he ended up at Paramount Studios, inspiring him when he got back to New York City and became a cab driver. With just $20,000 he would make this movie, which was supposed to star Peter Falk. Instead, he did the role and created a movie that is still discussed sixty years later. Its creator would go on to work mostly in TV, although he did direct Terror In the CityOutside In and Foxfire Light. I find it as dark and sad as this movie that its creator went on to make episodes of The Love BoatThe Brady Bunch and The Dukes of Hazzard.

The Strangeness (1985)

It doesn’t matter if a mine has gold in it. If it closed because a supernatural force killed everyone that went into it, perhaps you don’t need to reopen it. Well, there wouldn’t be a movie if this didn’t happen and The Strangeness, shot on 16mm with real stop-motion animation, is the result.

You can say that this movie drags — and it does — but it also has a monster that eats people and dissolves them with acidic spit and then pukes them up. It leaves behind messy corpses that are crawling with maggots, so you know, don’t eat during this.

Director Melanie Anne Phillips — who used the name David Michael Hillman — wrote this with Chris Huntley, who plays one of the trapped people in the mine and also did the special effects.

The beginning of the movie was shot without permission at a real mine called The Red Rover. About a month after, real-life miners hired to see if the mine was worth reopening entered and went further in than the film crew had. They all died. Not from being devoured and thrown up by a monster that looks like a woman’s secret garden filled with tentacles and slime, mind you, but from poison gas exposure. The rest of the movie was shot in Phillips’ grandparents’ garage using tin foil painted black for the walls of the mine.

You can watch this on YouTube.

TUBI ORIGINAL: Mistletoe Time Machine (2022)

Ishani (Megha Sandhu), Taijah (Alicia Richardson) and Mei-Ling (Erika Prevost) used to be a girl group until a talent show goes wrong. They stop being friends and life just starts to feel darker. Santa (Steven Vlahos) sends them back in time — that’s all the holiday this movie has, because it’s really about the girls getting to experience the 00s again even if they look as old as they are now, so the Hot Tub Time Machine influence is apparent beyond just the name of this. Why else would Taijah’s cousin Caleb (Gabriel Davenport), someone unconnected to their era, go back, just like that movie having the younger friend being involved? Ah, it’s Christmas. I will cut a Tubi Original a break.

While she’s back in time, the thirtysomething teenager — I know that’s what I always say about teen comedies but this is really true — Mei-Ling hooks up with the most popular boy in school so that she can get past the trauma of not being popular. So she uses a young hot boy to get what she wants. Hmm. Should I keep being nice to this movie now?

Everyone in the past says. “Prime directive?” and uses what they know of the future which is their past to start changing the present to change this past which is now their present and the paradoxes! The parallel realities they are creative! The buttery on a wheel! Or whatever! Look, I’m no scientist.

Also, shout out to jamesmcnabb on Letterboxd who rightly points out that this band has no drummer, no guitarist, three vocalists and one that plays bass and the other keyboards, but just knows how to start the presets like that old Casio bossa nova demo. Are they reinventing the way we see rock? Or whatever music this is? Is the future not just female, as Ishani graffitis on a brick wall, but also just bass and keyboards and three women singing?

What has this movie taught us about the spirit of Christmas?

At least they didn’t steal rock music from black people, which is another time travel thing that I’ve never got over. Like I want to make a movie with Body Count where they go back in time and knock out McFly and then Ice T gets with her mom and says stuff like, “Damn, dick” while Ernie C shreds and the Hill Valley High School dweebs just stare and T snarls, “I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet, but your kids are gonna love it. Yo Beatmaster V, take these mother fucking bitches back to South Central.” I mean, I would watch that movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Umezu Kazuo: Kyôfu gekijô – Purezento (2005)

Kazuo Umezu is a Japanese manga artist, musician and actor. Starting his career in the 1950s, he is among the most famous artists of horror manga and has broken the industry’s conventions by introducing the gore of Japanese folktales. His most famous stories are The Drifting Classroom, Makoto-chan, Reptilia and My Name Is Shingo. In 1995, he had to retire from regular publishing due to tendinitis after finishing Fourteen. Movies based on his work — as well as movies he’s writtem and at times directed — include The Snake Girl and the Silver-Haired WitchTamami: The Baby’s Curse and Drifting Classroom.

Kazuo Umezu’s Horror Theater was a six-part TV series that featured stories by Kazuo Umezu. This story is directed by Yūdai Yamaguchi (Meatball MachineJigoku Kôshien).

Yuko (Kiyo Ôshiro) wakes up on Christmas Eve frightened of Santa Claus. Her parents tell her that everything will be fine. We fast forward to Yuko nearly grown and attending a Christmas party in a hotel that looks just like the snow globe she had on her dresser. All of the rooms look like they’re decorated with things from her room and the man at the front desk is dressed like Santa.

She gives herself as a gift to Ryosuke (Takamasa Suga) as her friends go to party, but they soon hear a loud noise. As they get to the hallway, one of their friends is dying, barely able to say “We’ve been desecrating Holy Christmas. So this is Santa’s revenge. He said that he’ll retrieve… the presents he gave us in the past.*”

Santa has a wild weapon that is on the end of his chain. He uses it repeatedly to rip legs and arms off. Also: This movie has people puking in almost every scene, which I think would be the natural reaction to all of the nonstop gore these party kids are seeing throughout the movie. And man, Santa is using all these bodies — he crushes one in his magical bag of toys at one point — to feed to his reindeer.

By the end, it’s all a dream. Or is it? And whose dream is it if it is a dream? There aren’t many holiday movies that end with a young girl reaching into someone’s skull to pull out their maggot-strewn brain, are there? Because I’ve never seen that before.

There are a lot of killer Santa movies. There are none willing to go as hard as this except perhaps the original Silent Night, Deadly Night and Sint. Heads are chopped off, Donner and Blitzen eat brains and someone is even murdered with a Christmas light through the mouth. Merii Kurisumasu!

You can watch this on YouTube.

*Thanks Outlaw Vern!

B&S About Movies podcast episode 8: A Visit to Santa

A Visit to Santa was made in McKeesport, outside of Pittsburgh and is a time capsule of a world that does not exist any longer. Also, it has more Pittsburgh accents than the Strip District Primanti Brothers on a Saturday night at 3 a.m. You can watch this movie on YouTube.

You can listen to the show on Spotify.

The show is also available on Apple Podcasts, I Heart Radio, Amazon Podcasts and Google Podcasts.