I usually say things like, “This was good for a Tubi Original,” but Killer Body Count is damn good for a slasher, much less one made in 2024.

Cami George (Cassiel Eatock-Winnik) gets caught making out — beyond that, engaging in mutual masturbation, which she initiates — with a boy in the storage room of her church. Her father blames the suicide death of her mother (Kira Wilkerson) for how she acts and Father Tim tells him that they will send her to the Beautiful Savior Treatment Center.

This place used to be a retreat for priests and a sleepaway camp where either mushrooms — or a young priest who went insane and decided to kill young fornicators — wiped out everyone staying there other than brother and sister Eugene (Bjorn Steinbach) and Tawny (Alex McGregor).  They’ve started this camp to help Catholic boys and girls to grow up with less sin in their heart and that means isolating the sexes, locking them in, throwing away their phones and teaching them Jehoga, which gets rid of all that weird Eastern psychology in yoga.

Cami is now pretty much a captive, living along with Chris, Rob (Ethan Sanders), Bree, Ali (Khosi Ngema), Wyatt (Savana Tardieu), Mia (N’kone Mametja), Bree (Jessie Diepeveen), Riley (Atara Leigh) ,Dan — who looks like Jesus if he drank kombucha — and Kevin (Adam Lennox) as they breathe, worship and commit to protecting themselves from their sexual urges.

Except that these are teenagers and they all just want to get laid, so they just keep on doing it, even if whoever orgasms seems to get killed by a devil-masked slasher who lives in the woods. Or a ghost. Or the priest, who has remained there ever since he massacred everyone so long ago.

This is a movie filled with great dialogue, such as “I saw a guy you fucked get murdered by a guy in a devil mask. I’m far from OK.” and “He was crushed to death. How is that an accident? God works in mysterious ways.” It also doesn’t forget that young people today are no longer constrained by heterosexual relationships and never shames them for having urges, even if that’s all that Tawny seems to do, including making Cami kneel on rocks or slicing a crucifix into Wyatt’s hand.

It’s hard to make a slasher in the post-Scream era yet this gets so much right. The kills look incredible, the villains have a great modus operandi even if it’s taken from so many giallo movies (no complaints) and the cast is uniformly attractive.

Director Danishka Esterhazy also made the remake of Slumber Party Massacre and The Banana Splits Movie. I enjoyed both of those, but I loved this. It was written by Jessica Landry, who also wrote the Tubi Original Obsessed to Death.

Slasher fans — don’t miss this one.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Donna Fendyr (Jessica Lowndes, the newer version of 90210) wakes up in the hospital after a deadly car crash with amnesia, her husband Scott (Justin Lacey) dead and a baby named Cleo. Her brother Mason (Brad Harder) is helping her to adjust, but could she have kidnapped the child of Leon (Clayton James) and Amira (Zibby Allen)? Or is something even weirder happening?

This movie boasts a great villain in Leon, who switches back and forth from someone who seems to be looking for answers, just like Donna, to someone using her to kill his unfaithful wife.

Directed by Monika Mitchell and writer Helen Marsh also worked on Deadly Midwife and Deadly Invitations together. Here, they pretty much take a mystery — even to its lead — and make her wonder if the child belongs to her husband, making her deal with not just her grief but now anger that he was cheating on her.

So yes, some of this, you can see coming. Other parts of it surprised me. It’s very Lifetime — Tubi feels like the streaming heir to that network, even as I pay for the Lifetime Movie digital channel — but has that ever been something I didn’t want to watch? Lowndes is also quite good as the heroine.

The end of this movie, however, is ridiculous and makes me like it even more. We end up at a party at Donna’s house, the real parents of Cleo have been revealed and everyone is happy. Donna is excited because a man has agreed to fix her car in exchange for dating her and she opens the door to a POV shot, making us the man she has gotten to go along with this deal. Huh?

You can watch this on Tubi.

Honogurai mizu no soko kara (From the Depths of Dark Water) was directed by Hideo Nakata and written by Yoshihiro Nakamura and Kenichi Suzuki, based on the short story collection by Koji Suzuki. The actual story is Floating Water but they used the name of the book for the movie.

Yoshimi Matsubara (Hitomi Kuroki) is a single mother trying to see where life takes her next after her divorce. She gets a job as a proofreader and rents a cheap apartment where the roof always leaks. Meanwhile, her daughter Ikuko (Rio Kanno) has to start over again as well, attending a kindergarten close to their new apartment. A young girl named Mitsuko Kawai (Mirei Oguchi) disappeared from their building a year ago and in between keeping her ex-husband from kidnapping their daughter, Yoshimi starts seeing that girl, wearing a yellow raincoat and carrying a red bag.

She believes that the girl died in the water tower above their building and is the reason why everything floods. Yet when Mitsuko comes after her daughter, she has to make a choice to give up everything to save her.

This was the second movie by Sakata to be based on a novel by Suzuki. He previously directed Ring and the sequel Ring 2. As with most Japanese horror, there was an American remake directed by Walter Salles that had Jennifer Connelly in it. At least it has the same doomed ending.

The Arrow Video release of Dark Water has a 4K Ultra HD blu ray presentation in Dolby Vision, along with extras like interviews with director Hideo Nakata, author Koji Suzuki, cinematographer Junichiro Hayashi, actresses Hitomi Kuroki and Asami Mizukawa, and theme song artist Shikao Suga. There’s also a making of, trailers and TV commercials. All inside a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Peter Strain with an illustrated collector’s booklet with writing on the film by David Kalat and Michael Gingold.

You can get Dark Water from MVD.

A shot in ten day film — in a falling to pieces old house that was also a home for recovering drug addicts and alcoholics and was also the setting for Haunting Fear, Spirits, Mind Twister and Witch Academy— this was directed by Gary Graver and written by Mikel Angel, who played Snake in The Black Six and also wrote Lady Cocoa, Psychic Killer, Grotesque and The Candy Tangerine Man. He’s also Willie in this.

It’s based on the real-life story of Dorthea Puente, a woman who ran a boarding house in Sacramento, CA when she wasn’t killing nine of her residents. In this film, Puente is Ella Purdy and she’s played by Karen Black, who I seemingly spend days in a row obsessing about as I watch her in direct to video and made for TV movies.

Ella speaks to her dead husband more than most people speak with their living spouses. She’s also taking social security checks in exchange for rent and when her boarders die — or get killed — she makes it seem as if they are still alive so she can keep the money rolling in.

A government agent named Potts (Arte Johnson in a role meant for Buck Henry) starts to see through her plan and wonders why these senior citizens are never seen in person. Those elders are made up of some pretty great actors: Martine Beswick as the medium Vanya, Virginia Mayo and Bert Remsen as society types the Wilsons , Deborah Lamb as Ella’s mute and always dancing daughter Tina, Michael Berryman as a writer who goes by Balzac and Angel as the drunken Wille. Even Hoke Howell, Robert Quarry and Yvette Vickers, who was the town tramp — I say that in the nicest of ways — in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and whose July 1959 Playboy Playmate of the Month centerfold was shot by Russ Meyer, show up.

Thanks to the incredible Schlock Pit, I learned that it was produced by Sidney Niekerk, who owned the adult video company Cal Vista.

This starts like a haunted house movie, has plenty of Psycho in it and then has a twist ending that I never saw coming. That’s success on a very low budget, something Graver always seemed able to perform admirably.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed by Jeff Wadlow (Cry Wolf, Truth or Dare, Kick-Ass 2, Fantasy Island) , who wrote the script with Greg Erb and Jason Oremland, this is exactly the kind of horror movie that comes out these days: produced by Blumhouse, rated PG-13, so dark that I could barely figure out what was going on in some scenes and all about someone coming back to their childhood home and dealing with past trauma, a plot of nearly every new scary film I watch. But I thought, am I being unfair? Possibly. Maybe I need to actually watch this, as the idea — childhood imaginary friends are angry at being abandoned — is a great one.

Jessica (DeWanda Wise) is a successful author of children’s books who has married a musician named Max (Tom Payne) and is now the stepmother to his daughters Taylor (Taegen Burns) and Alice (Pyper Braun). She hasn’t gotten over her rough upbringing and frequently dreams of her mentally ill father Ben and Simon the spider, who she has made a central character in her work.

Despite these issues, they decide to moves into Jessica’s childhood home. Alice finds Chauncey the teddy bear, who becomes her imaginary friend while Jessica meets someone who claims she babysat her named Gloria (Betty Buckley, who is a bright spot), who tells her stories of her upbringing that she has forgotten.

After meeting with chid therapist Dr. Alana Soto (Verónica Falcón) when Alice shows the same issues Jessica once had, they learn that no one can see the teddy bear except Alice and Jessica. Soto has several patients who have all had similar problems with being unable to see the difference between reality and fantasy.

Then, Alice disappears.

Gloria tells Taylor that Chauncey was also Jessica’s childhood imaginary friend. It turns out that imaginary friends are real spirits that feed off the imagination of young people and are generally friendly but become ill tempered when they are abandoned.

Gloria, Jessica and Taylor must complete a scavenger hunt, which is a ritual that the imaginary friends use, and enter the Never Ever, the place where these metaphysical being reside. The items include “Something that scares you. Something that you would get in BIG trouble for. Something that makes you MAD. Something that HURTS.” This is different from the past, as Jessica was told to bring “Something to paint. Somethin that burns. Something u eat from. Somethin that makes u happee. Some peez of you. Something that makes you mad.”

That’s because at one point, Jessica tried to leave reality for this place but was saved by her father, who was driven insane by what he saw. That’s why he’s been in an institution ever since.

The problem is that Gloria wants to stay, as Chauncey has been in contact with her. He promised her all the power of his home if she trapped the women with him, but in the middle of her explaining the magnificent power of the Never Ever, he appears and tears her apart. Jessica responds by stabbing him in the eye. Even when it seems like everyone has escaped, they remain trapped until Chauncey shows his spider form — Stephen King, call for residuals — and Alice sets him on fire. And yes, like so many movies, they burn their house down to escape.

The women try and get a hotel, but when they see a kid playing with his imaginary friend, they leave.

There are shout outs to  Labyrinth, A Nightmare on Elm Street — they live on Elm Street — Alice In Wonderland and the whole thing is inspired by Poltergeist, which Wadlow cites by saying, “It perfectly strikes the balance between scares and this benign sense of wonder and excitement and emotion that you get when you have a family that you care about.”

My wonder — seeing as how this is all about imagination — is if all of these movies that refer to the past and have similar plots are leading to the well of ideas that the next generation of filmmakers making being further muddied. This is fine, I guess, but when you’re paying so much for a movie — whether going to see it in its short theatrical window or watching it at home for a fee — you want more than fine. Maybe I expect too much from escapist summertime movies, but I want to be inspired and wowed and come away thinking of all the ways a movie can expand.

Instead, I just watched the time and wondered when this was over.

Directed by Grant Austin Waldman and written by Brinke Stevens and Ted Newsom (Time Tracers) from a story by Fred Olen Ray, Teenage Exorcist sat on the shelf until 1994 and then it was released straight to video stores.

Stevens plays Diane, a young woman who dreams of being a college professor. She’s moved out of student housing and takes an entire house — which is haunted by Baron DeSade (Hoke Howell) — from a strange realtor (Michael Berryman). Worried by her first night alone, her sister Sally (Elena Sahagun), brother-in-law Mike (Jay Richardson) and  boyfriend Jeff (Tom Shell) all come to check on her. She’s been possessed by a demon (Oliver Darrow) and has gone from a modest young lady to, well, the kind of role that made me fall in love with Brinke Stevens when I was young.

How to you exorcise a demon? Well, there’s no teenage exorcist. But there is Father McFerrin (Robert Quarry, who is on the side of good in this), a man of the cloth who accidentally orders a pizza instead of someone who can help, which brings in Eddie (Eddie Deezen), who is of no help.

If the outside of the house looks familiar, it’s because you saw it in Sorority House Massacre II and Evil Toons. I find it incredible that it’s literally across the street from the house used in The People Under the Stairs.

I’m pretty easy. I love all possession movies and whenever I see Brinke on screen, my heart beats a little faster. I’ve watched way worse movies just because she’s in them.

You can watch this on Tubi.

We watched The Farmer on the Drive-In Asylum Double Feature last year and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I’d waited years to watch it and it more than was worth it.

This film was never released on home media — not on VHS, Beta, Laserdisc, DVD or any other release outside of theaters — until Scorpion Releasing put it out in 2022. Now, you can easily watch it on Tubi, a movie people waited for years to watch.

Originally written as a vehicle for Clint Eastwood — screenwriter George Fargo had acted with him in Dirty Harry, Play Misty for Me, Paint Your Wagon and Kelly’s Heroes — this was sold as a twenty-five page treatment to producer and star Gary Conway, who plays Kyle Martin. Martin is a hero of World War II, but his medals don’t help him run his one-man farm. He saves a gangster named Johnny (Michael Dante), who gives him $1,500, but it’s not enough. The bank barely pays him attention.

Johnny has no such money issues, especially after he screws over a mobster named Passini (George Memmoli) for $50,000. The boss finds him, kills Johnny’s bodyguard and then burns his eyes with acid. The gangster remembers the military man and has his girl Betty (Angel Tompkins) offer Kyle $50,000 to kill everyone. Kyle turns it down until Angel gets assaulted and his friend Gumshoe (Ken Renard) is killed.

And that’s when he basically becomes an unkillable slasher, taking out every single gangster one by one.

According to Tompkins, there was an alternate ending where — spoiler warning — the black soldier that Kyle stood up for at the beginning of the movie that has become a mob killer actually kills both of them. As she had never seen the movie, she had no idea that there is a happy ending.

Directed by David Berlatsky (the only movie he directed, but he edited The Deep) and written by Fargo, Janice Eymann, John Carmody and Patrick Regan, this is the kind of tough guy movie that has dialogue like “You made two mistakes: one was getting up and the other was making fun of Shirley Temple.” It also has a part for Sonny Shroyer, who would soon be Enos on The Dukes of Hazzard.

Memmoli got injured while making this and was in the hospital for most of the shooting. He only weighs 190 pounds in this, way less than his normal weight, but would get to nearly 500 pounds before his death. That accident also kept him from being in Taxi Driver.

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops reviewed this movie and said, “Revenge story of a World War II veteran (Gary Conway) has arty pretensions but not a spark of intelligence. Mechanically directed by David Berlatsky, it is excessively brutal and sexually degrading.”

Sounds like a great review.

The Farmer has a song on its soundtrack by the name of “The American Dreamer” by singer-songwriter Gene Clark. How strange that it is from the Dennis Hopper documentary The American Dreamer, which is about the making of The Last Movie.

Conway is totally Rick Dalton. He went from his TV show Land of the Giants to appearing in low budget films and finally making this film, his own, to improve his career. He’d also bring a script he wanted to star in to Cannon and it totally got changed around. That script would end up being Over the Top and Conway would get to act in one Cannon film, playing The Lion in American Ninja 2.

There’s just something about this movie. Is it how inscrutable its hero is? How cathartic the violence is? The strange soundtrack by Hugo Montenegro? The fact that it took forever to be seen?

I don’t know. But I do know I think about it all the time.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Here’s a recipe to drink while you watch this movie.