“At a high end beach club, a female college lifeguard gets caught up in a secret affair with a wealthy housewife.”

Yeah, but there’s also a Beachwaters.com website, a giallo-style hidden killer, a Sliver love of filming people and a movie-ending fashion show that is as realistic as the Oscars from The Howling III.

Loved it.

Abby (Natalee Linez) is the new lifeguard, one of the few women surrounded by men, but taken in as just one of the guys as she’s a lesbian. Soon, she falls for Imani (Gina Vitori), the rich woman who has hired her to teach her how to swim, but come on, they swim for all of a minute before they’re making out, giving you flashbacks to the days when video stores had that adult but not porn section that you still had to be 18 to rent from but that you could maybe get away with if your significant other didn’t want you embarrassing them by walking out of the porn room curtain in front of everyone in town.

Every young lifeguard is being filmed as they act like, well, young people at a high end beach resort and rack up body counts before being part of this movie’s body count. They’re also all orphans with no next of kin, which means that when the rich and famous want to kill them, they have no one stopping them, investigating their crimes or wondering why the people who should save lives are all dying. Even the one cop in town is in on it.

Directed by Niki Koss and written by Mary Risk, this moves along fast enough and has a nice resolution. I’m always pleased that Tubi continues to be the mom and pop video store of today. And you don’t even have to worry about anyone seeing you rent a slightly dirty film.

You can watch this on Tubi.

When a general’s son is taken hostage as ransom to free a bandit leader, the general’s daughter Golden Swallow (Cheng Pei-pei, who Western audiences may recognize as Jade Fox from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) goes to rescue her brother and battle the bandit gang. She’s protected by a drunk named Fan Da-Pei (Yueh Hua), who is really Drunken Cat, a secret martial arts master, who saves her from a poison dart.

The bandits have worked their way into a monastery led by an evil abbot named Liao Kung (Yeung Chi-hing), who once helped Fan Da-Pei to be accepted into the school that taught them both their martial arts skills. As a result, the hero doesn’t want to battle him. He also believes that there’s no way their battle won’t end in death.

Director King Hu also made A Touch of Zen, which is an essential Hong Kong film. There’s an urban legend that Jackie Chan is rumored to play one of the child singers at the beginning of the film, but Pei-Pei Cheng has stated that he is not in the movie.

Nina (Nicole Peters) is a barista who was originally going to school to be a lawyer before deciding that she didn’t like where her life was going. Now, however, she’s deep in debt and floating through life, keeping people like her regular hookup Curtis (Alexander Eling) at a distance. She’s the opposite — or so it seems — of her twin sister Victoria (Lauren Peters), who is a consultant about to marry the love of her life, Ryan (Theo Vandergraaf). Again, all things are not as they appear, as it turns out that Victoria is actually a high end call girl and she needs her sister to go on one last date for her, meeting the very rich David Linx (Shaun Benson). Of course, Nina breaks the first rule of this career, falling for her john, and probably the second, as she gets pulled into getting evidence on Linx, who is a criminal.

The Peters twins have been in A Simple Favor, playing the younger version of Blake Lively, being on the Team Canada water skiing team and participating in The Amazing Race Canada. They were also the Doublemint twins in the Pop-Tarts movie Unfrosted. They and Shaun Benson are the best parts of this film, as when it concentrates on their relationship, it’s really strong.

It falters when it comes to tone, as there are times when it wants to be grimy and realistic as well as others where it feels like a forced farce, particularly any scenes that involve the girls’ parents (Michèle Duquet and Stephen Sparks) or cousin Penelope (Blair MacMillan).

Of course, things take a turn when Linx’s partners start to come after him. Plus, relationship drama, as it just so happens that Nina’s lover Curtis works for him and he finds out that she’s his regular escort. At the same time, Victoria’s fiancee discovers where all his soon-to-be wife’s money comes from.

Directed by Karen Knox and written by Jen Bashian (Tubi Originals Frankie Meets Jack and Below Deck Deceit), this is a film within one of my favorite subgenres: the sex worker movie that never shows anyone really having sex. It’s a magical world of playing backgammon, getting necklaces and fancy dinners.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Cannonball is why I watch movies.

It stars a cast of people that honestly, only someone like me would care about, and it’s made by people just as colorful, a crew of folks that would go on to dominate the film industry after emerging from the Roger Corman film cycle. It’s everything great about Cannonball Run, but both more serious and ridiculous, sometimes within the very same scene.

Much like the aforementioned Cannonball Run, as well as Speed Zone and The Gumball Rally, this movie was inspired by Erwin G. “Cannonball” Baker, who raced across the United States several times and by the race named after him, the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash. This illegal cross-continent road race was started by Car and Driver editor Brock Yates to protest the 55 MPH speed limit.

David Carradine plays Coy “Cannonball” Buckman, who has just been released from serving time for the death of a girl while he was driving drunk. He’s been entered into the illegal Los Angeles to New York City Trans-America Grand Prix in the hopes that he can get his racing career restarted.

That’s because Modern Motors has promised a contract to either him or his arch-rival Cade Redman (Bill McKinney, Deliverance, First Blood). Meanwhile, Coy has to somehow convince his lover/parole officer Linda Maxwell (Veronica Hamel, When Time Ran Out) to allow him to race.

Redman doesn’t have it easy either. His expenses are being paid by Sharma Capri (Judy “The Ozark Nightingale” Canova, who hosted her own national radio show from 1942 to 1955) and her client, country singer Perman Waters (Gerrit Graham, amazing as always, just like he is in Terrorvision and Phantom of the Paradise).

Other racers include:

• Young lovers Jim Crandell (Robert Carradine, Revenge of the Nerds) and Maryann (Belinda Balaski, every Joe Dante movie), who take her daddy’s Corvette and enter the race
• Terry McMillan (Carl Gottlieb, one of the writers of Jaws!), a middle-aged man driving a Chevrolet Blazer
• Beutell (Stanley Bennett Clay), who has taken a Lincoln Continental from a kindly old and rich couple and promised to get it to New York City safely
• A tricked out van driven by three waitresses — Sandy (Mary Woronov you have my heart), Ginny (stuntwoman Glynn Rubin) and Wendy (Diane Lee Hart, The Giant Spider Invasion)
• German driver Wolfe Messer (James Keach, Sunburst) in a De Tomaso Pantera
• Zippo (Archie Hahn, who was one of the Juicy Fruits in Phantom of Paradise), who is Coy’s best friend and drives a Pontiac Trans Am just like his buddy.

What Coy doesn’t know is that his brother Bennie (Dick Miller) has bet that he will win and will do anything to ensure that happens, including killing Messer. Meanwhile, McMillan has his car — and mistress Louisa (Louisa Moritz, Myra from Death Race 2000) — flown to the finish line.

Redman kicks Perman — who becomes a big country star when his song about the race takes off — and Sharma out of his car, but in his final battle with Coy, a piece of Perman’s guitar gets stuck in the gas pedal and he dies in a big crash. While all this is going on, Zippo is in the lead, so Bennie sends out a hitman to off him. Coy had put his girl in that car as he felt it was safer — actually it was Zippo who did the drunk driving and Coy covered for his friend — but a major crash ensues and Linda is taken to the hospital by Jim and Maryann.

Terry and Louisa arrive first at the finish line, but Louisa accidentally tells the judges that they flew most of the way. The girls in the van get lost and crash, while Coy makes it to the finish line. Just before he’s about to win, he learns Linda is in the hospital and races off to see her. This leaves his brother to be killed by gangster Lester Marks (Paul Bartel, who also directed the film) and his men (Sylvester Stallone makes a cameo, as does Martin Scorsese, as mafioso).

Jim and Maryann win the race and the $100,000, while Coy gets his racing contract and the girl, and Beutell delivers the now destroyed Lincoln to its owners.

Other actors who show up for the madness are John Herzfeld (who was in Cobra and wrote and directed the films Escape Plan: The Extractors and 2 Days In the Valley), Patrick Wright (Wicked Wicked, Caged Heat, Graduation Day), future directors and at the time Corman assistants/editors Allan Arkush (Rock ‘n Roll High School) and Joe Dante (more movies than I can name, all of them wonderful), Roger Corman himself as a District Attorney, Jonathan Kaplan (director of White Line Fever, The Accused and The Student Teachers), Aron Kincaid (who was the voice of the Iron Sheik and Bobby Heenan on Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling and Killer Croc on Batman: The Animated Series), Joseph McBride (writer of Rock ‘n Roll High School), Read Morgan (The Car), John Alderman (New Year’s Evil) and even superproducer Don Simpson, who co-wrote the movie with Bartel. This movie is what happens when everyone working for Corman at the time all gets together so the budget can have extras.

Paul Bartel did not enjoy making this film because he felt he was being typecast as an action director. But after he only made $5,000 after spending a year of his life making Death Race 2000, it was the only kind of movie people wanted from him. “Corman had drummed into me the idea that if Death Race 2000 had been harder and more real it would have been more popular. Like a fool, I believed him.”

Bartel wasn’t a fan of cars and racing, so he loaded the movie with cameos and character gimmicks. His favorite scene was when he plays the piano and sings while two gangsters beat up Dick Miller. And the end is pretty rough for a movie that’s so funny, so star David Carradine tried to talk to Bartel about how disturbing he intended it to be.

When Joe Bob Briggs did his How Rednecks Saved Hollywood show, he mentioned that this movie destroys Cannonball Run. As always, he was right.

Perhaps most amazing of all is the fact that this was co-produced by Shaw Brothers. Yes, Paul Bartel directed a Shaw Brothers movie.

Eagle Chief Yoh Xi-Hung (Ku Feng) leads Iron Boat Clan, a gang made up of orphans that he has raised to be his personal army — Eagles — of killers. His toughest “son” is Chik Ming-sing (Ti Lung), who loves combat. After being injured by Golden Spear Tao De-biu, he nearly dies and is nursed back to health by the family of lawman Wang An. Now, Chik Ming-sing sees that the life he has known since he was a child is a lie. He deserves love and to have a family.

Of course, the Iron Boat Clan then kills Wang An and Chik Ming-sing is targeted by them. As he wanders, he meets wrist knife fighting master Cheuk Yi-fan (Alexander Fu), who wants to destroy the Iron Boat Clan for killing his wife and children. He suspects Chik Ming-sing, but they make a good team as they both starts to fight back against the gang. Things take a turn when Chik Ming-sing reveals that he killed a man’s wife years ago — guess who? — and wants to be killed by that man to atone for his crime.

Of course our heroes get their revenge, even if Yoh Xi-Hung attempts to turn them against one another. The end, however, is still surprising and poignant, as our heroes are honor bound and have a path that they must follow. The last fight is astounding and both lead characters are so worthy of a movie on their own. Together, this is perfect.

Directed by Chung Sun, this movie knocked me out. Everyone’s weapons, from Yoh Xi-Hung’s claws and Chik Ming-sing’s staff to Cheuk Yi-fan’s wrist blades are so unique to each character and perfectly used. I can’t wait to watch this again.

This was remade in 1993 as The 13 Cold-Blooded Eagles.

Kuei Chih-Hung is one of my favorite Shaw Brothers directors and this feels like the beginnings of the mayhem and gross out magic that he would soon be famous for.

Liu Miao-Li (Liu Wu-Chi) and Chen Liang (Lam Wai-Tiu) are on the bus, excited that they are about to have a child when criminals attack, stealing their money and killing Chen. His wife’s life descents into sorrow — she’s robbed of her husband’s estate and a man tries to drag her into sex work — leading to her suicide. Yet before she dies, she makes arrangements to jump off a cliff wearing a red shroud, which is said to let the afterworld know that she needs revenge. As a Taoist priestess prays for Liu’s soul, she says, “When the door to hell is opened, there’s no turning back.”

Soon, everyone that has wronged her finds their bodies being mangled into all manner of nightmares, like neon boils exploding from their skin, another head growing from the shoulder and Fulci-level eyeball violence. Then, a woman’s stomach grows out of control, she eats a bowl of puke and chases her husband, as everyone involved must atone. Puke drinking is part of the journey. After this, heads will roll.

As this becomes episodic, the different criminals are followed to their grisly fates. This is 76 minutes of green gels, oozing pus and blood everywhere, all over everything. Most revenge movies just stick to guns. This goes all the way to occult torture on a level that few movies can dream of getting near.