Rene Bond week (August 11 – 17) Rene Bond could brighten up even the most dreary productions, and she was in plenty of them. In the early adult scene she was one of the better actors, particularly when it came to comedy, though she could squeeze into some leather and throw the whips around when the role called for it. Bond appeared in somewhere near 100 films, thanks to her affable professionalism she worked with many filmmakers multiple times and regularly performed with her boyfriend Ric Lutze. Her career received an enhancement when she became one of the first stars to get a boobjob. She retired from film in the late-70s just as the porno chic era was dying down, but before the video era. You can find her in a ton of SWV titles, so take yer pick!

Directed by Bob Chinn (who directed John Holmes in several of the Johnny Wadd movies and Rick Fuente and Lee Stone in the Nick Grande films) and written by Jeffrey Eastman and Darrel Cash, this is not about a person but a place, a club called the Disco Lady. It’s New Year’s Eve and Scorpio Sound (Ken Scudder) is playing the records while everyone gets together to dance. Little of it sounds like the disco of 1978 and instead sounds very AM radio of 1978.

We have an hour to get into what happens.

It’s all rather unconnected, as a hitchhiker named Carla (Rhonda Jo Petty in her first film; she looks a lot like Farrah Fawcett and as you can imagine, this was very important in 1978) meets a drug dealer named the Candyman (Alan Colberg) and gets pimped out. Then, there’s a couple — Rick (Ric Lutze) and Rick’s wife (Robin Savage) and yes, the movie gives her no name, so that should tell you how much it is concerned with relationships — celebrating an anniversary before he dirty talks her in a way that seems like he’s a bit too into it. And ah, there’s Sherry (Ming Jade) and Angie (Angel Ducharme) arriving just as Johnny (Rob Rose) and Tony (Mike Ranger) walk in.

New year’s is a time for people to remember why they love one another, plan for the next trip around the sun and kiss at midnight. But here, in a movie shot in the back of a bowling alley that doubled on the weekend as a club, this take on Saturday Night Fever — well, outside of the fact that all disco to some people was that movie — has couples falling to pieces. Rick gets to the club and in seconds is making out with a waitress (Tiffany Ladd) and comically — and perhaps unintentionally — getting his medallion all over her body. What do you expect when you’re having sex in a squalid back room, on a pallet covered by a sleeping bag in a room full of Coca-Cola?

Rick didn’t even want to be here! Just listen to — or read — this dialogue.

Rick’s Wife: Will you take me dancing tonight?

Rick: What? Not tonight, homey! The Sugar Bowl’s on TV tonight!

Rick’s Wife: Come on honey, it’s New Year’s Eve and we haven’t been out in a long time…

Rick: Oh I know that, but honey I gotta see Alabama.

Rick’s Wife: Come on Rick, it’ll be fun.

Rick: Oh I don’t want to honey. It’s Bear Bryant’s last season and everything else. Aww, then tomorrow the games…

The end of this movie broke my brain, however. Another angry husband, upset that his wife is intending to cheat just like he did, is coming to the club and he’s angry. We see all of the many couples and people we’ve met throughout, including a guy who everyone calls Peter Frampton who triumphantly gets into the Disco Lady. And then, that husband bursts in and the screen slows to slow motion and then even slower, grinding, as we hear him fire his gun. People scream, the folks we’d just witnessed copulating are either killed or maimed or scarred for life by a night that was just supposed to be spent gyrating under the reflective ball or, at best, doing blow in the bathroom and having furtive sex in a storage closet. And now, they’re gone. The screaming keeps overloading the soundtrack, the grainy freeze frame starting to bend and twist and turn and the yelling and terror is still here, as the slow motion keeps ticking by, slower than it ever has before. There’s blood on the dance floor, even if the budget didn’t allow for it.

This absolute void of an ending redeems everything we’ve seen before except for the too short appearance of Rene Bond dancing the night away in potentially her last filmed appearance. She doesn’t have sex, she doesn’t get naked, she’s hotter than everything around her, the law of the invisible proving itself as it always does.

As Marlena Shaw sang, “Well, I can say goodbye in the cold morning light. But I can’t watch love die in the warmth of the night.” Man, I love when adult films fully forget that they’re created to get people aroused and instead seek to utterly destroy them.

Rene Bond week (August 11 – 17) Rene Bond could brighten up even the most dreary productions, and she was in plenty of them. In the early adult scene she was one of the better actors, particularly when it came to comedy, though she could squeeze into some leather and throw the whips around when the role called for it. Bond appeared in somewhere near 100 films, thanks to her affable professionalism she worked with many filmmakers multiple times and regularly performed with her boyfriend Ric Lutze. Her career received an enhancement when she became one of the first stars to get a boobjob. She retired from film in the late-70s just as the porno chic era was dying down, but before the video era. You can find her in a ton of SWV titles, so take yer pick!

Shot in 1971 for around $470,000, producers Bill Osco (who produced one of the films that brought about the Golden Age of adult films, Mona, as well as three Jackie Kong movies, The Being, Night Patrol and The Underachievers), Walter R. Cichy and Howard Ziehm (who directed this movie) held out in the hopes that a big studio would release this movie. Maybe they should have waited until Star Wars came out and really got people into science fiction!

The film was made with a mix of adult industry people, special effects talent like Mike Minor (the first two Star Trek movies, as well as The Man Who Saw Tomorrow. The Beastmaster and Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins), Greg Jein (1941), Jim Danforth (whose name is backward in the credits; he worked with Harryhausen on a number of films), Dave Allen (Equinox, pretty much all of Full Moon’s effects for their early films) and Rick Baker (do you need to know what he’s worked on?) and science fiction fans like Bjo Trimble, Tom Reamy, George Barr and Cornelius Cole III.

Originally featuring both straight and gay hardcore penetration, this footage was surrendered to the L.A. vice squad to avoid a charge of pandering. There was also a legal challenge from Universal Studios, who claimed — and was pretty much correct — that the movie completely copied the first chapter of the Flash Gordon serial. The filmmakers added a text scroll claiming that the movie was a parody and included “not to be confused with the original Flash Gordon” in all of the advertising for the film.

The FX guys hated the porn producers so much by the end of the shoot that they held film of the effects until they were paid (Dave Allen insisted on being paid in cash every day) and they were not listed in the credits of the film.

Professor Gordon (John Hoyt, When Worlds Collide) learns that sex rays are being fired at our planet and one of them hits the aircraft that his son, Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams, who would go on to make Time Walker) and Dale Ardor (Suzanne Fields, the daughter of a Mormon bishop who appeared in more than sixty adult films before this), are inside. They end up having sex and parachuting into the lab of Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins) who takes them to the planet Porno to stop the sex rays.

They are soon attacked by Emperor Wang (William Dennis Hunt, who would be the only person to reprise their role in the sequel) and his Penisauruses. After a lengthy orgy, they are all sentenced to die, except for Dale, who will be married to Wang. Flash is saved by Queen Amora (Nora Wieternik), but their ship is shot down.

Flash and Jerkoff both survive, however, and almost stop Dale and Wang’s wedding when it is invaded by the lesbian armies of Chief Nellie (Candy Samples!), who tries to keep the Earthwoman for her sapphic soldier squad. Help arrives in the form of Prince Precious (Mycle Brandy) of the Forest Kingdom before a living idol kidnaps Dale, but luckily, the good guys win in the end. Oh yeah — that’s Craig T. Nelson as the voice of the Great God Porno, who was called Nesuahyrrah by the animators (Harryhausen backward).

This movie is pretty dumb and I say that in the most affectionate way possible. It’s like a Mad Magazine parody except, you know, people are naked for most of it. It’s the kind of film that’s made for 16 year olds who totally shouldn’t be seeing it (and obviously will find a way to see it).

Oh yeah! Rene Bond shows up as a sex slave alongside Tricia Opal, using the name Patricia Burns here. You can also spot Bill Margold, Duane Paulson, Dee Dee Dailes, Linda Marie, Jill Sweete, Dalana Bissonnette and Shannon West (Cleopatra from A Clock Work Blue) and Annette Michael.

Rene Bond week (August 11 – 17) Rene Bond could brighten up even the most dreary productions, and she was in plenty of them. In the early adult scene she was one of the better actors, particularly when it came to comedy, though she could squeeze into some leather and throw the whips around when the role called for it. Bond appeared in somewhere near 100 films, thanks to her affable professionalism she worked with many filmmakers multiple times and regularly performed with her boyfriend Ric Lutze. Her career received an enhancement when she became one of the first stars to get a boobjob. She retired from film in the late-70s just as the porno chic era was dying down, but before the video era. You can find her in a ton of SWV titles, so take yer pick!

Directed by Eric Jeffrey Haims (A Clock Work Blue, The Jekyll and Hyde Portfolio) and Shelley Haims, who co-wrote it with Tom Reamy, The Mislayed Genie (or The Miss Laid Genii) has David Bates (Franklin Anthony) — get it, Master Bates — finding out that when he rubs his penis, a genie (Tobar Mayo, who was also Abar) comes out and grants his wishes. At one point, gangsters tie up our hero and one of his friends has to, well, get the genie to emerge from his wang.

“See David’s magic…lamp??? If you rub it LONG enough… If you rub it HARD enough… You’ll COME out smiling…” is the tagline, but let’s be honest, I watched this because Rene Bond plays Miss Gooch, the school’s sexual education teacher. This is a magical world where young boys are taught all the basics of lovemaking by perhaps one of the most perfect beings to ever break hearts.

This has appearances by Ana Ali (A Scream In the Streets), Margot Devletian (Evil Come, Evil Go), Diana Hardy (The Goddaughter) and Tricia Opal (Sex In the Comics). I am amused that just a year into porno chic that movies like this went all the way into fantasy and couldn’t decide if they wanted to be softcore or full adult, as this has numerous erections. There’s a fun idea here but the movie can barely care to explore it.

Rene Bond week (August 11 – 17) Rene Bond could brighten up even the most dreary productions, and she was in plenty of them. In the early adult scene she was one of the better actors, particularly when it came to comedy, though she could squeeze into some leather and throw the whips around when the role called for it. Bond appeared in somewhere near 100 films, thanks to her affable professionalism she worked with many filmmakers multiple times and regularly performed with her boyfriend Ric Lutze. Her career received an enhancement when she became one of the first stars to get a boobjob. She retired from film in the late-70s just as the porno chic era was dying down, but before the video era. You can find her in a ton of SWV titles, so take yer pick!

Directed by Stephen Gibson (using the name Stan Gelson; he also made Black Lolita and used the name Norm de Plumé when he made Disco Dolls In Hot Skin and Hackin’ Jack vs. the Chainsaw Chick 3D) and written by a crew that included Harvey Meadowmuffin (another Gibson name), Pierre LaFarce (yet another Gibson name) and Tommy Rott (Arnold Herr, who shot Teaser, Hard Candy and several other movies with Gibson) and based on a joke by Ramsey Throckmorton (also, you guessed it, Gibson), The Playmates In Deep Vision 3-D is the first Eastman Kodak color 3D movie. Shot in the Deep Vision 3D process, there is a cut for drive-ins and another for adult theaters, but it never gets all that explicit.

There are also several other movies made with Deep Vision 3D, all directed by Gibson: Blonde Emmanuelle, Hard Candy and Wildcat Women.

Dr. Jane Kinsey (Becky Sharpe, If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!!) is doing research on swinging when she meets TV show host Joe Strovack (John Paul Jones, Angie Baby) and everything up until that point was a documentary and now, it switches to a love story. And then it starts having Laugh-In quick bits.

One of those cut scenes has Rene Bond as a waitress and she looks right into your soul and says, “It’s all real.” Except that she had breast implant surgery before this movie was made. But who cares? It’s Rene Bond!

Also showing up, we have Con Covert, who was in everything from A Scream In the Streets to Repo Man. He was also the intruder in Fantasm and shows up multiple times in Hollywood Babylon. Plus, there’s Dalana Bissonnette (AKA Kathy Foster, Sally Jack and Claire Krumpet), Sandy Dempsey (one of the many prisoners of Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS), Suzanne Fields (Dale Ardor from Flesh Gordon), Kathy Hilton (The Toy Box), William Margold, Linda Marie (the succubus from Terror at Orgy Castle), Titus Moede (Boo Boo from Rat Pfink a Boo Boo), Gretchen Rudolph (Run Swinger Run!), Starlyn Simone (also known as Michelle Simone, Simone, Linda Harris — she used that name for A Climax of Blue Power — and Starline Comb, Nora Wieternik (Queen Amora from Flesh Gordon) and Wendy Winders (the woman going down on Charlie Chaplin in Hollywood Babylon).

This movie promised “The Revolutionary New 3-D Process That Will Put “The Playmates” Right in Your Lap!” The 3D process can’t be that good. The humor isn’t all that funny. But hey, it’s something different. And if you can’t watch a movie and wait for Rene Bond to show up, you really need some help.