EDITOR’S NOTE: Off the Mark was on USA Up All Night on August 21, 1991; April 4, 1992 and February 27 and April 3, 1993.

Also known as Crazy Legs, this was directed by Bill Berry, who also directed Brotherhood of Death, and who co-wrote this with Temple Matthews.

Howard Markel (Mark Neely) and Dmitri (David D’Arnal) knew each other back when the Russian runner was studying as an exchange student in America. But now, they’re grown up and facing off in the Plutonium Man Triathlon. This movie, however, is kind of like a Zucker brothers movie with rapid fire sight gags but because it’s not made by the Zuckers, it isn’t as punchy. But you know, it’s surprisingly funny in parts.

It does have Terry Farrell from Back to School — and Jadzia Dax on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine — as Howard’s love interest. He’s going to need her and his black friend who wants to be white named Johnny B. White (Clarence Gilyard Jr.) if he wants to beat Dmitri, who stole his dog Shep when they were young. Also: he is handicapped and runs in what is assumed to be a very comical manner.

Off the Mark doesn’t get mentioned much when it comes to 80s comedies. Maybe you’ll watch it and get a new favorite.

You can watch this on YouTube.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Summer Job was on USA Up All Night on November 9, 1991; May 15, 1992; April 30 and October 16, 1993; January 21 and August 20, 1994 and June 30 and October 14, 1995.

For another review of this movie, click here.

At Parkers Racquet Club, the summer jobs have started and that brings in the regular staff for the season, which includes Kathy Shields (Sherrie Rose, who was Professor Ursula Undershaft in the Black Scorpion movies), Bob (Dave Clouse), Jack (James Summer) and Susan (Amy Lynn Baxter, who was in Karate Warrior 2 as well as the inside cover of Howard Stern’s Private Parts book). There are also some new workers such as Tom (Kirt Earhardt), Bruce (Fred Bourdin), Herman (George Ortuzar), Karen (Renee Shugart, Screwball Hotel), Donna (Cari Mayor, who along with Shugart was in Lauderdale) and Barbara (Chantal, yes just one name, who was also in Dream Trap).

Directed by Paul Madden and written by Ralph Gaby Wilson, the main reason I watched this is because Sherrie Rose was also in Killer Crocodile, Martial Law 2: Undercover, Cy Warrior and most importantly, American Rickshaw.

There’s not much else I can recommend within this movie other than everyone is very attractive and willing to get naked for a teen sex comedy. Also: If you like ELO, well, you’re going to love the band in this, OrKestra. I’ve seen plenty of people say that this is like when the kids on Saved by the Bell worked at the Malibu Sands for a summer, but I always got the idea that Stacey Carosi was 100% making Zack Morris her bottom by night.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Friday the 13th was on USA Up All Night on August 13, 1993 and May 13, 1994.

After the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween, every studio wanted a piece of the horror pie, which to this point had been exploitation fodder. Paramount Pictures was first. Sure, critics salvaged the film, but after $40 million in profit, no one really cared.

Produced and directed by Sean S. Cunningham (Last House on the Left), this movie was envisioned as a roller coaster ride. The script came from Victor Miller, a soap opera scribe. And spoilers — but this movie doesn’t even really have Jason in it!

The movie starts in the summer of 1958 at Camp Crystal Lake, where two counselors sneak off and have sex before being killed. This sets up one of the many rules of slasher films: never fuck in the woods.

The camp closes for 21 years, but on Friday, June 13, 1979, that’s all about to change. That said, no one in the town wants it to happen. When Annie Phillips arrives in town, everyone treats her strangely or acts like Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney, who shows up in the next film and was the narrator for Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood). She lasts for about five minutes, as she gets killed after her third hitchhike of the day. I’d say this is more of a warning against hitching in the late 1970s than I would serial killers in the woods.

The other counselors — Jack (Kevin Bacon!), Ned, Bill (Harry Crosby III, son of Bing), Marcie, Alice and Brenda (Laurie Bartram, The House of Seven Corpses) — and owner Steve Christy all show up to get the camp ready. This is where you’ll notice just how different fashion is. Becca and I have seen this live several times in a theater now and everyone laughs as soon as Steve shows up in his short shorts and bandana.

Ned is killed pretty quickly, then Jack is killed with an arrow and Marcie takes an axe to the face. Brenda is murdered as she responds to the voice of a child. Steve gets killed on the way to camp. Before you know it, Alice and Bill are the only ones left, but Bill lasts pretty much seconds. Then we have another future slasher trope: every body is discovered, hung like trophies.

Now, we have our Final Girl: Alice, who ends up meeting Mrs. Vorhees, who tells the tale of how her son Jason drowned and the horrible counselors who allowed it to happen. Much like the giallo/pre-slasher film Torso, the movie now focuses on the battle between Alice and the real killer. Alice ends up beheading her and sleeping in a canoe. As the police arrive, she has a dream that Jason rises from the water to kill her. This scene wasn’t in the script, but special effects king Tom Savini thought a Carrie-like ending would be more powerful.

Another way that the film pays sort of homage to Italian filmmaking is in the snake scene. It was another Savini idea after an experience he had in his own cabin during filming. The snake in the scene? Totally real, including its on-screen death — someone alert Bruno Mattei!

Some trivia: the film was shot just outside Lou Reed’s farm. The rock star performed for the cast and even hung out with them! Sweet Jason?

To me, the film works because of how great Betsy Palmer is as Jason’s mom. It’s a fine film, but nowhere near the excesses that the series would grow into. This was also the start of critics really hating on slasher films. Gene Siskel was so upset about Betsy Palmer being in the film that he published her address in his column and encouraged people to write her and protest. Of course, he published the wrong address.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Kickboxer 4 was on USA Up All Night on July 12, 1997 and January 17, 1998.

Kickboxer 3 seems like a walk in the park compared to this movie, which seemingly compounds all of the tragedies of David Sloane and presents a world where martial arts masters can take over entire towns. As if you didn’t know, Albert Pyun knew how to make amazing low budget movies and this blows away any of the movies in this series other than the first film.

David (Sasha Mitchell) writes a letter to his wife Vicky (Deborah Mansy) as exposition for us. After the events of Kickboxer,  the dreaded Tong Po (Kamel Krifa) killed his brothers Kurt and Eric, he hunted him down — Kickboxer 2 — but after he successfully beat Tong Po, instead of fighting in the ring, he was set up and arrested for selling drugs. Then again, Vicky knows all of this, as Tong Po also kidnaps her and makes her his sex slave in the Mexican town where he has become one of the world’s biggest drug dealers.

At least Po is kind enough to send him naked photos of his wife while he’s behind bars.

There’s hope. Yes, even now. Po is hosting a martial arts tournament at his private compound. the winner will get a match against him and a million dollars. DEA Agent Casey Ford (Nicholas Guest, Christopher’s brother) can get David into the tournament where he will fight as Jack Jones. To get there, he has to get into some street fights and get seen by Brubaker (Nicholas Anthony), Po’s fight scout.

Now, I ask you, won’t Po immediately recognize his arch enemy?

David makes his way to Mexico, a lawless land where he immediately rescues diminutive martial artist Megan Laurence (Michele Krasnoo) from bikers and then has to fight her in the first round. He’s also hit on by one of Po’s many women, Darcy Cove (Jill Pierce) and recognizes an old student named Lando Smith (Brad Thornton) who will be his backup.

All David wants to do is rescue his wife and he nearly gets both of them killed. To get more info, Lando starts sleeping with Darcy and that ends up with him tortured and her killed in front of him.

On the last day of the tournament, all the rules change. Every fight will be to the death and Po’s guards shoot anyone who won’t compete. He also offers every fighter $500,000 for killing David, who he blames for the death of his wife Sian, who was killed in a DEA drug raid. David defeats Thomas (Burton Richardson), one of the best fighters, and wins. Finally, the fighters rally against Po who escapes, leaving so many dead fighters behind.

The weirdest thing about this movie is that Kamel Krifa has a bald cap and makeup on to look like Michel Qissi. He appears to be wearing wax on his face and I love that he looks nearly inhuman. He’s also a famous record producer and plays the sitar, which is the kind of thing that only Pyun could work into a movie and make sense.

The fighting may not be great but that’s the beauty of Pyun. He starts with a noir intro, has an edge to this and was able to complete a movie that had so many scenes ruined by being overexposed, pretty much finishing this movie in the edit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Kickboxer 3 was on USA Up All Night on June 7, 1996; March 22 and July 12, 1997 and January 7, 1998.

Frank Lane (Richard Comar) is running a white slavery ring in Brazil, just as kickboxing champion David Sloan (Sasha Mitchell, Cody from Step by Step who somehow has taken over from JCVD after Tong Po killed his brothers shortly after Kickboxer; yes, your happy ending was ruined in the sequel) and his trainer Xian (Dennis Chan) arrive in Rio de Janeiro for a championship bout. He’s nearly robbed by a street kid named Marcos (Noah Verduzco) but he ends up becoming friends with him and his sister Isabella (Alethea Miranda).

Lane is the manager of Eric Martine (Ian Jacklin), the Muay Thai fighter that David is defending his belt against. He destroys a young fighter in an exhibition, turning the fight into the grudge match you’d hoped that it would be. Of course, Isabella gets kidnapped and the whole thing becomes a fight for her life, but any movie that ends with a cute street urchin stabbing an evil white guy in the stomach is OK with me.

This was directed by Rick King, who also made Prayer of the Rollerboys and was a writer of Point Break. On the amazing Hidden Films, he spoke about how rough this movie was to make and how hard Mitchell was to deal with.

“The guy was a nutjob,” King said plainly. “The crew hated him and liked me. One of the grips was a cop, and he said, “If that guy ever touches you, I’m gonna arrest his ass and throw him in the nastiest Brazilian jail you’ve ever seen.””

Writer Dennis A. Pratt also wrote Leprechaun 4: In Space.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Roommates aired on USA Up All Night on June 18 and December 11, 1993 and February 24, 1995.

Carla (Marki Bey, Sugar Hill herself!), Heather (Pat Woodell, The Big Doll House) Beth (Roberta Collins, Eaten Alive, Unholy Rollers), Brea (Laurie Rose AKA Misty Dawn, the wife of John Holmes) and Paula (Christina Hart, The Stewardesses) take a summer vacation together on Lake Arrowhead. This would seem to be a very Corman nurse movie from the surface, but the tagline — “Which will die in the class of ’73?” — points to a very frightening story.

Is it too soon to talk about 1972?

Of course, all the men in this movie are horrible, like Martin (Ken Scott), the owner of the motel who sleeps with Heather and was the man who took her virginity when she should have been doing her driver’s test. And then there’s the death of Alice (Connie Strickland), stabbed a hundred times and left in the woods so close to where the girls sleep.

Whodunnit? Socks the biker (John Durren, who wrote the movie)? His girlfriend (Paula Shaw, The Centerfold Girls, Pamela Vorhees in Freddy vs. Jason)? Creepy Harold (Greg Mabrey)? Don the handyman (Kipp Whitman)? Just about any guy in this movie? And why would Heather throw a big party when, you know, there’s been a murder?

I’m making this sound more like it has an actual story and less than a vehicle for female nudity, as each of the leads gets their clothes off as do the guest stars, which include Connie Strickland, Uschi Digard, Lindsay Bloom (H.O.T.S.), and Juanita Brown. When your movie starts with a medical school orgy, you know how it will go.

Arthur Marks also directed Detroit 9000, Bonnie’s Kids, Linda Lovelace for President, the way better than any of those movies J.D.’s Revenge, Friday Foster and uncredited work on Solar Crisis. Durren also came up with the idea for the Mickey Rooney movie The Manipulator and wrote Devil Times Five.

I like the ramshackle narrative of this movie, but this one really shows you just how good Corman’s crew was at making their girls movies.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Skin Deep was on USA Up All Night on August 19, 1995; October 11, 1996 and April 19, 1997.

I don’t understand myself. I will defend absolute scumbags like Joe D’Amato and Jess Franco as artists but feel like I need a shower every time I watch a Blake Edwards movie. This has the plot of nearly every one of his movies that I’ve ever seen: Zachary “Zach” Hutton (John Ritter) is an author who has a weakness for alcohol and beautiful women. Hijinks ensue.

The movie starts with his mistress (Denise Crosby) catching him in bed with his hairdryer and they’re all caught by his wife Alex (Alyson Reed). What follows is basically Zach getting laid and nearly killed by a whole bunch of women, including the deranged Molly (Julianne Phillips) who hooks him up to a skin-treatment electro-therapy machine that gives him spasms, a glow-in-the-dark condom sex scene with Amy (Chelsea Field) and being carried to bed by bodybuilder Lonnie Jones, who is played by Raye Hollitt, Zap of American Gladiators. She comes off as the most positive and fun of all the women, despite him clearly being worried that she has such obviously masculine qualities. In fact, she dwarfs Zach who says that he feels like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ritter is fine in this but the role was written for Dudley Moore. Dudley Moore in mind. Moore felt the part was too similar to 10 so he turned it town. This led to a rift between him and Edwards. That may be why the original title was 11. This also feels like IMDB BS to me.

At the very least, Vincent Gardenia is good in this.

Seriously, for all the lessons that Zach is supposed to learn, he really doesn’t learn much. We are in his corner only because he is the hero of the movie and at times, I wasn’t in his corner in the least. What a waste of the charming Ritter, as Edwards keeps making movies about white upper class men ruining their lives through drinking and women only to lose nothing. They’re still running their world at the end, no matter what.

At least in D’Amato movies, the rich are shown to be snuff film watching maniacs and are outsmarted by a gorgeous sex positive woman of color.

You can watch this on Tubi.