Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Topper Returns (1941)

July 28 – Aug 3 Screwball Comedy: Just imagine, the Great Depression is raging and you’re getting less than a fin a week at the rubber boiling factory, but it only costs two bits to go to the movies all day, so let’s watch some quick-talking dames match wits with some dopey joes!

The third and final installment in the initial series of supernatural comedy films inspired by the novels of Thorne Smith, this follows Topper and Topper Takes a Trip. The strange thing is that it may have Cosmo Topper (Roland Young) and his wife (Billie Burke), but it has a totally different set of ghosts.

Wealthy young heiress Ann Carrington (Carole Landis, One Million B.C.) and her best friend Gail Richards (Joan Blondell) are nearly killed by a masked and black gloved Giallo-style maniac when he shoots out their tire. They have a comical time catching a ride — Blondell’s thigh causes a man to crash a car — before Cosmo and his driver Eddie (Eddie “Rochester” Anderson) pick them up and drive them to their destination, the Carrington mansion.

Everything about this place is creepy, so strange that you wonder if Ann and Gail are about to put on diaphonus white gowns and clutch candleabras. There are evil servants, like Lillian (Rafaela Ottiano) and Rama (Trevor Bardette). And the sinister Dr. Jeris (George Zucco), who warns Ann that the father she has never met, Henry Carrington (H. B. Warner), is in poor health. She was raised far away, as her mother had asked in her will, after she and her father’s business partner died in a company mine. Now, her father tells her that tomorrow, on her birthday, she will assume complete control of the family fortune.

Gail makes a fuss about her room being small and takes Ann’s, but who could sleep after a chandelier almost kills them? Somehow, they do go to bed, just in time for that murderer in black to knife Gail, thinking that she’s Ann. But don’t be sad — this is a Topper movie and Gail comes back as a ghost, one who threatens Topper with a scandal if he doesn’t help solve her murder. As for his driver, he claims that he’s going back to working for Jack Benny, because ghosts never showed up there.

Seriously — Gail’s body shows up and then disappears, and I wonder, is this an Edgar Wallace-written Topper? There’s mistaken identity, leather gloved knife-carrying lunatics, family drama, a will — this has it all and by all, I mean it’s totally a Giallo. At least this ends happily, except for the ghosts again scaring Rochester.

Director Roy Del Ruth (The Alligator People) and writers Jonathan Latimer (30+ Perry Mason episodes), Gordon Douglas (who would later direct Them! and In Like Flint) and Paul Gerard Smith put together a fun farce that may not have all the characters of the films, but has the right ones. Blondell fondly recalled the film thirty years later, saying, “It was a hit but has grown on TV viewings because it is public domain. I laugh when I see it. I laugh at Eddie Anderson, Patsy Kelly, Billie Burke, and Rollie Young. It’s a send-up of all those dark house plots.”

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: The Toughest Man In the World (1984)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Toughest Man In the World was on the CBS Late Movie on February 25 and September 14, 1988.

Mr. T’s first starring made-for-TV movie role has him playing, well, himself. Or Bruise Brubaker, a tough and scowling secret softy nightclub bouncer who is in charge of a neighborhood center. He’s a Vietnam vet, he has a mohawk to honor his roots, and he’s illiterate. And he’s gonna help kids, fool!

As he’s helping kids, he’s also trying to keep Billy (John P. Navin Jr.) from being part of the crime that rules the streets. He gets Tanker Weams (Tom Milanovich) to show up at the center but also screws up and promises everyone will be a winner in a fake charity giveaway, so he has no idea how to keep working people, kind of like Mr. T’s buddy Hulk Hogan and no, I won’t let death stop me from sharing stories of the Hulkster’s lies when they’re as funny as him being in Metallica or not getting the Foreman Grill deal because he missed one phone call.

Mr. T is a little like the Hulkster. Born Laurence Tureaud, he grew up in a family with twelve kids in Chicago, calling himself Mr. T so no one would call him boy. A city wrestling champion, he went to Prairie View A&M University on a scholarship but was kicked out in the first year. Then, he was in the army and tried out for the Green Bay Packers before inventing himself as he bounced at Dingbats Discotheque. He claimed that he was in more than 200 fights and that his chains were from the people he beat in fistfights. This turned into being a bodyguard for Steve McQueen, Michael Jackson, LeVar Burton, Diana Ross, Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier and Leon Spinks — to Wiki name just a few — as well as whispered assassination and runaway tracking deals.

Then, ABC aired two of the World’s Toughest Bouncer contests, with Mr. T bloodying huge Tongan fighter Tutefano Tufi and defeating someone in the second in under a minute after saying, “I just feel sorry for the guy who I have to box. I just feel real sorry for him.” Sylvester Stallone saw this, cast him as Clubber Lang, and the rest was history.

After a role in Penitentiary 2, he was on The A-Team, had a cartoon, a cereal, was in D.C. Cab and even had a motivational video, Be Somebody… or Be Somebody’s Fool! Also: an action figure that told you to always respect your mother and a rap album, Mr. T’s Commandments. Also, he became a wrestler, backing up the Hulkster, and this is where it gets funny. Despite being in all those toughman fights, T was freaked out about the idea that his image would be destroyed by a wrestler going off script. Maybe the rumor that Bruiser Brody was getting paid big money to hurt him — this would have never happened, Brody knew that at some point in his career, he would work for McMahon — got to him. He kept no-showing almost until the day of the event.

An aside. A few weeks before Mania, Mr. T and Hogan were on the USA Network show Hot Properties. According to Remind Magazine, “After some encouragement from Mr. T, Hogan agreed to demonstrate a chokehold on host Richard Beltzer, but ended up applying too much pressure and rendering him temporarily unconscious. Belzer recovered quickly enough to send the show to a commercial break, but he officially filed a $5 million lawsuit against both guests in 1987. The case was settled quietly in 1990.”

They also hosted Saturday Night Live the night before the show, a last-moment replacement for Steve Landesberg.

Roddy Piper, Bob Orton and Paul Orndorff, Mr. T’s opponents at Mania, may not have liked this outsider and made him nervous, but they knew where their money was coming from. That’s why the stories — Hogan wrote that “security at Madison Square Garden resisted letting Mr. T’s entourage into the building the day of the show. He was distraught by the confrontation and declared that he would just leave. The Hulkster, however, took credit for finding the actor and talking him down, getting him to see through the planned main event attraction. Paul Roma claimed that he even no-showed a few years later, as Mr. T was to manage the Young Stallions — started.

OK, another aside. Wrestlers are notoriously full of shit. There’s no way a big payday guy like Mr T was going to be with enhancement talent like the Young Stallions. And Hogan’s book isn’t non-fiction.

Then again, comedian Chris Burns once said, “I can – again, inside baseball – tell you Piper was not a fan of Hulk Hogan, moreso, Mr. T. I mean, rest in peace, Roddy, I don’t think he’d have a problem with me telling this story. He legitimately was going to kill Mr. T. I’m not kidding around. He said, he thought, “You know what? If I just back suplex him and arch it a certain way, he lands on his neck, they can’t tell me that I did it on purpose.” Piper had that thought several times, and then was like, “I’m not gonna mess up WrestleMania like that.”

Roddy Piper, also a wrestler, was probably full of shit a lot of times.

Anyways, back to Mr. T in a TV movie.

He falls for Leslie (Lynne Moody), beats gangsters and ends up knocking everyone out, including running through a wall like he’s on Takeshi’s Castle. It’s as stupid as you want it to be, and I wanted it to be really stupid.

This was directed by Dick Lowry. Yes, the same man who made Smokey and the Bandit 3. It was written by Vincent Bono, Dick Guttman and, of all people, Hammer writer Jimmy Sangster. How did that happen?

You can watch this on YouTube.

The Fantastic Four: First Steps (2025)

DISCLAIMER: I am a huge nerd and I don’t care about your superhero fatigue.

How ironic is it that it took four times to get the Fantastic Four right?

Sure, the 1994 Roger Corman-produced Fantastic Four gets the characters right, but it didn’t have the budget to make it perfect. Then again, it was created primarily to maintain a copyright.

In 2004, we had Fantastic Four and in 2007, a sequel, Rise of the Silver Surfer. The effects were there, the costumes were close, but they felt too compressed. The Marvel Cinematic Universe was not what it would become, and, well, Galactus was a cloud.

2015 brought the Fantastic Four, the fascinating Josh Trank-directed failure that had no idea what it wanted to be.

As I said several years ago, when I covered that film, “The creators should have taken a note from the cartoon versions, as both the 1994-96 series and the 2006-07 Fantastic Four: World’s Greatest Heroes captured much of what makes these heroes so special. Unlike the Avengers, they are two things: a family and adventure scientists, not truly superheroes.”

The Fantastic Four: First Steps is the first movie that gets that. And gets a better understanding of who these characters truly are.

I was inspired to write this after seeing a social acquaintance describe it as a boring movie, filled with talk instead of action. This kind of upset me, as it showed that this person, like the filmmakers before, didn’t understand who these characters are.

There are two aspects: an intriguing breakdown of the four basic Myers-Briggs archetypes and the distilled personality of Jack Kirby.

In my past advertising life, I volunteered to help teach the Myers-Briggs classes. To keep things simple, we didn’t delve into the sixteen types, but instead focused on the four archetypes: Rationalist, Romantic, Defender, and Creator. We broke them down into marketing terms: Body Copy, Illustration, Logo, and Headline.

Haha, this is a movie review, but let’s go deep.

Oh yeah — spoilers from here on.

The Rationalist (ETNJ, INTJ, ENTP or INTP) is “characterized by their ability to think critically, analyze complex situations and propose innovative solutions. They are known for their independent problem-solving skills, strategic thinking and strong-willed nature.” Other studies will refer to these as the Idealists. They are given to charity and causes, which is who Sue Richards is in this movie. No other film — even several comics — has portrayed her so accurately as she should be. The Invisible Woman isn’t someone blinded by her love for Reed, nor is she a heroine who needs to be saved. She’s dynamic, and her actions change the world for the better beyond her superheroics.

The Romantic (ENFJ, IFNJ, ENFP, INFP) are “typically idealistic and dreamy, and they often have a strong appreciation for beauty.” They are drawn to art, music and writing, while looking for a perfect, true love. Johnny Storm is this personality, someone who the movie notes always has a new girl and who we see designing new costumes for the space mission. Yet he also possesses a strong level of intuition, recognizing that the Silver Surfer’s voice is the same as the space signals Reed has discovered. When he meets her, everyone thinks he has a crush on her, but the truth is that he sees something beneath her cruelty —a humanity that she believes is long gone.

The Defender (ESTJ, ISTJ, ESFJ, ISFJ) is loyal and devoted to family, but may have difficulty expressing their emotions. They follow strict schedules and feel a sense of duty. This is Ben Grimm, The Thing, who is the true heart of the Fantastic Four. The movie shows that he’s the member who remains connected to his Yancy Street community, still shopping at the same places he did when he was a child. He’s the member who cooks dinner for everyone and tries to protect them. As for his emotions, he feels something for the teacher, Roz, but struggles to express his feelings until the night he meets her at the synagogue, when he tells her that he doesn’t want to be around people. He wanted to be around her.

The Creator (ESTP, ISTP, ESFP, ISFP) is a problem solver, but one who often gets lost inside their own thoughts. Usually, they live in the now and “sometimes fail to think about how current actions will lead to long-term consequences.” Reed Richards fits in here, as he’s always thinking of solutions and often forgets — such as when he gave his son Franklin to Galactus, which seemed like a logical decision at the time — how his thoughts will end up angering those he loves. He is constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios and, often, what could versus what will happen. Think of this within the movie, where he confesses to Sue that he always has to think of the most horrible things so that he can protect her, his family and the world.

What the movie truly grasps is that the Fantastic Four are, in many ways, a reflection of Jack Kirby himself.

As the movie ends, this quote emerges: “If you look at my characters, you will find me. No matter what kind of character you create or assume, a little of yourself must remain there.” Then, we learn that Earth-828, where this movie takes place, is named for Kirby’s birthday: August 28.

Director Matt Shakman’s words to Marvel echo this sentiment: “He’s a visionary. We would have no Marvel Studios today without Jack Kirby. He created numerous amazing characters and built this world alongside Stan Lee. So many of our heroes launched from his mind and his pen, and we wanted to honor that. We wanted to honor his distinctive style.”

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige also said, “We wanted it to be more than just a passing tip of the hat. There are direct lines from his pencil that he drew with at his drawing board by himself, pouring his universe-spanning imagination onto the page. There are direct lines from there into this film.”

In fact, they planned this comic as a tribute to Kirby meeting Kubrick, as seen in the making of 2001, which is, well, fantastic because The King drew a series of continuations to Kubrick’s classic movie and was inspired by it himself, as evident in his collage work.

And most of all, The Thing is Jack Kirby.

According to Jewish Currents, “In the Lee-Kirby collaboration, Lee provided his signature pop sensibility and glib humor, but there’s no question that Kirby was the driving creative force of the team. Of all Marvel characters, Ben Grimm is the most directly autobiographical. Kirby and Grimm were both born on the Lower East Side of New York and grew up poor; Kirby on Delancey Street, and Grimm on a fictional street called Yancy Street. Benjamin Jacob Grimm takes his first and middle names from Kirby’s father and Kirby’s real first name, respectively. Kirby and Grimm both fought in World War II and came home moody and prone to fits of anger.”

They go on to claim that The Thing is one of the few Jewish Marvel superheroes and is an outright golem, a creature from Jewish myth.

Yet there are echoes of Kirby’s life in his other characters. The Invisible Woman, Sue Storm Richards, is named for his daughter Susan. Mr. Fantastic’s drive to support his family and protect them in the fact of overwhelming odds comes directly from Kirby drawing all night long, his superhuman endurance creating more comics and characters in a month than some creators do in a lifetime, all to keep his family fed — no health insurance or safety net until way into the 1970s, when he worked in animation.

Seeing this quote at the end of the movie made me happy because it was a realization that, while Stan Lee is important to Marvel, it was Jack Kirby, who brought his characters to life, that made them happen. Jack of all trades created the Silver Surfer. He never intended Sue to be jealous of other women who were around Reed or a damsel in distress. Many of those things originated from Lee’s word balloons. Depending on which story you believe, Kirby had Galactus show up and had to explain it to Stan; Galactus was literally Kirby trying to confront God and see what God would do if He came down to judge His creations.

How much does this movie love Jack Kirby? It names The Thing’s love interest Rachel Rozman (Natasha Lyonne).

Kirby’s wife’s name? Roz.

Beyond the look and feel of this movie, it gets something right: these are really the Fantastic Four.

Only Johnny could realize that the language of the Silver Surfer was in those recordings, while everyone thought he was just chasing girls.

Only Ben could remind everyone that real people were in the buildings they were about to knock down.

Only Reed could devise a plan to save the world that quickly.

And only Sue rallies the world and inspires them to see how to put it all together.

What really worked is that we don’t need to learn the origin of the Fantastic Four. We can understand it quickly, from the TV special that bookends the film. We can see that they’ve changed their world for the better, not just by fighting monsters and villains, but also through their inventions and Sue’s political skills.

Pedro Pascal, Vanessa Kirby, Ebon Moss-Bachrach and Joseph Quinn become these characters to the point that I was able to shut off and enter their world, a place of mid-century future tech. Sure, we don’t get to see any Mole People with Mole Man (Paul Walter Hauser), and the Red Ghost is absent (too much footage was shot, they say). However, the character moments are everything in this, such as when Reed is shaken to the core by how they barely escaped Galactus (Ralph Ineson) and the Silver Surfer (Julia Garner), cosmic horrors who demand his son’s life in exchange for sparing everyone on Earth.

At once, this can be a movie for people who have no idea about these characters while also rewarding those excited for the appearances of Diablo, Dragon Man, Mad Thinker, Puppet Master, The Wizard, Giganto and Super Ape Peotor (I did say I was a nerd up above, right?*). Writers Josh Friedman, Eric Pearson, Ian Springer and Jeff Kaplan get the most important thing about the FF right.

They aren’t just superheroes. They’re a family.

*Nerdy facts: The Excelsior rocket is named for Stan Lee’s catch phrase; Shalla-Bal was the Silver Surfer’s lover in the original comics; Alex Hyde-White, Jay Underwood, Rebecca Staab and Michael Bailey Smith from the Corman version all show up; you can see Stan and Jack working at Timely Comics in a quick scene and how about that empty Latervia chair setting up the ending?

CBS LATE MOVIE: The Stepford Children (1987)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Stepford Children was on the CBS Late Movie on June 29, 1988.

The second of three TV movie sequels — there was also Revenge of the Stepford Wives, directed by Robert Fuest, and The Stepford Husbands — The Stepford Children is based on the Ira Levin novel The Stepford Wives and the films that came after.

Laura and Steven Harding (Barbara Eden and Don Murray) have brought their kids, David (Randall Batinkoff) and Mary (Tammy Lauren), to Stepford, Connecticut, the same place where Steven’s first wife died. Laura just wants to become a lawyer, but Steven joins the Men’s Association, which is still turning wives into robots. It’s also turning the kids into homework-obsessed drones.

David and neighbor girl Lois (Debbie Barker) start hanging out, as they both love motorcycles. Laura becomes friends with Lois’ mom, Sandy (Sharon Spelman). And she soon learns that while she lets her kids be who they want to be, her husband seems obsessed with making them perfect.

During a school dance, everyone starts to dance to big band standards and when David and Mary switch it up to some rock and roll, they do more than lose control. They freak out and the cops have to come, as the Stepford Children have not been programmed for 80s music. All the men of Stepford chase Lois, causing a motorcycle crash and then David sees them removing her arms at the hospital. The next day, she shows up brand new and dumps him.

A movie that somehow has “replacement Ginger” Judith Baldwin, James Coco, Dick Butkis and Hedwig and the Angry Inch star John Cameron Mitchell all in it? Yes, and it ends in the most astounding of ways, as the entire town must die for the humans to live.

Directed by Alan J. Levi and written by William Bleich, this is way more entertaining than you’d expect. Usually, I say fuck those kids, but this time I rooted for them.

You can download this from the Internet Archive.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Topper (1937)

July 28 – Aug 3 Screwball Comedy: Just imagine, the Great Depression is raging and you’re getting less than a fin a week at the rubber boiling factory, but it only costs two bits to go to the movies all day, so let’s watch some quick-talking dames match wits with some dopey joes!

Based on the novel by Thorne Smith, Topper was a big deal and the first movie that Hal Roach Studios colorized when they decided to convert their black-and-white films to full color.

George and Marion Kerby (Cary Grant and Constance Bennett) are irresponsible rich kids who wreck their car and suddenly learn that they’ve died. They didn’t do enough good to go to Heaven, but are too nice to go to Hell. Their friend, Cosmo Topper (Roland Young), buys their roadster and ends up with them back in his life as ghosts, trying to make his boring life more exciting and helping him improve his marriage to his wife (Billie Burke).

Director Norman Z. McLeod would go on to make Horse FeathersPennies from HeavenThe Secret Life of Walter Mitty and the sequel to this, Topper Takes a Trip. There’s a third film, Topper Returns, which only has Cosmo Topper and is nearly a Giallo. Nom, seriously.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE: Topper (1979)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Topper was on the CBS Late Movie on February 16, 1983 and January 5, 1984.

Seven-year-old Sam was not upset when things were remade. He loved watching Topper on WPGH’s Sunday Morning Movie, and he was pleased that it was back. Old Sam is the grumpy one.

Old Sam would also like you to know that Andrews Stevens and Kate Jackson are the cutest of couples and are sad that they divorced.

This was the third time a Topper series was attempted — yes, another failed pilot — as there was a 78-episode show starring Anne Jeffreys and Robert Sterling from 1953 to 1956, and another failed pilot in 1973 with Stefanie Powers and John Fink. There was also a 1992 pilot with Tim Curry as Cosmo, Courtney Cox as Marion and Ben Cross as George.

Marion  (Jackson) and George (Stevens) swerve to avoid a bunny and end up as ghosts, stuck on Earth until they earn their way into Heaven. One of those ways they try to help others is to improve the marriage between Cosmo Topper (Jack Warden) and his wife Clara (Rue McClanahan), as well as keep him from being screwed by his unscrupulous business partner Fred Korbell (James Karen).

Charles E. Dubin directed this, along with more than 110 other TV productions. It was written by the husband-and-wife duo of Michael Scheff and Mary Ann Kasica, with George Kirgo. It was based on the original novel by Thorne Smith.

Did you ever want to see Topper in a disco? This is your movie.

You can watch this on The Cave of Forgotten Films or on YouTube.

Murder, She Wrote S2 E4: School for Scandal (1985)

A mother and daughter become involved in a murder. Jessica must look between the lines to discover the truth and the murderer.

Season 2, Episode 3: Murder In the Afternoon (October 13, 1985)

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote

Jessica accepts an offer to deliver the commencement ceremony at a university graduation, but as you can imagine, moments after she arrives, someone dies.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?

Polly Bergen is Dr. Jocelyn Laird. She was in the original Cape Fear and Cry-Baby.

Darleen Carr is Trish Mercer. She appeared in The Beguiled and has done numerous voiceover projects.

Jack Kehoe plays Chief James Griffin. He was in Serpico.

June Lockhart shows up as Beryl Hayward. She was on Lost In Space and also in She-Wolf of London.

Dr. Alger Kenyon is Roddy McDowall. Do I have to tell you who he is?

Mary Kate McGeehan is Daphne Clover. She was Linda Caproni on Falcon Crest.

Morgan Stevens is Nick Fulton. He was Mr. Reardon on Fame.

James Sutorius is Ron Mercer. He mainly has worked in theater.

John Vernon! Man, the Animal House and Killer Klowns from Outer Space actor has been in so many movies and here he is as Dr. Henry Hayward.

More minor roles include Gary Bisig as Will Small, John C. Bechnet as a station master, Dean Dittman and Grace Simmons as teachers, Larry Carr as a party guest, Bob Harks as a detective, Paul LeClair as a photographer and Ron Asher, Kerry Noonan, Bill Baker and James Marshall (James Hurley from Twin Peaks) as students.

What happens?

Professor Jocelyn Laird, head of the English department, throws a party and Jessica attends. Then, her wild child, Daphne, and her boyfriend, Nick Fulton, show up and swim naked; the next day, Nick is dead.

What no one knew is that Daphne, a writer of trashy novels, is merely the front for her mother’s writing. After all, being a teacher, she could never also write smut. Nick has been blackmailing her, which makes it seem like she could be the killer. Maybe Daphne is the killer. Nick did slap her around. Jocelyn and Daphne both confess, thinking that they’re saving one another. Neither did it.

Who did it?

Dr. Alger Kenyon, PHD, has been in love with Jocelyn for years. He suspected her daughter was involved in the crime, so he set her up.

Who made it?

It’s directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman and written by Robert E. Swanson.

Does Jessica get some?

No! Come on!

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?

She finds the dead body while jogging, so I should add that as a question. Does Jessica find a body while out for a casual walk? But yes, the outfit she wears to the party is… beyond ridiculous.

Was it any good?

Good cast, not a bad episode.

Any trivia?

Lansbury and McDowall were in Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Daphne Clover: You want the story on Nick? I’ll sum it up in one word… Stud.

What’s next?

Jessica’s cousin Emma dies…or does she?

CBS LATE MOVIE: Cover Girls (1977)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Cover Girls was on the CBS Late Movie on March 2 and August 1, 1983, March 21, 1984, December 30, 1986 and June 1, 1987.

Two models, Linda Allen (Cornelia Sharpe) and Monique Lawrence (Jayne Kennedy), are really spies, sent on a mission by James Andrews (Don Galloway) to track down both an embezzler, Bradner (Vince Edwards), and a criminal named Michael (George Lazenby).

This is a failed pilot made in the wake of the success of Charlie’s Angels. You get Don Johnson as an undercover agent posing as a rock star, Ellen Travolta as a photographer and an appearance by Ray Dennis Steckler’s wife Carolyn Brandt!

Directed by TV vet Jerry London and written by Mark Rodgers, this is enjoyable silliness that I wish had become a series, but I say that about every failed pilot.

You can watch this at The Cave of Forgotten Films or on YouTube.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Blast (2004)

July 21-27 Eddie Griffin Week: This motherfucker is funny!

Blast is filled with people who seemingly should be doing better.

Like Vinnie Jones, who plays terrorist Michael Kittredge, who is posing as a protester of an oil rig to get his mercenaries onto it and detonate a dirty bomb.

Or Vivica A. Fox, who is FBI Agent Reed, who recruits our hero.

Or that hero, Eddie Griffin, who should be a much bigger star and not in Die Hard on an oil platform as a tugboat captain with an adopted white kid who sounds like a dubbed Italian child. Yes, all the ADR was done way after the movie and none of the actual people did no their voices.

Tiny Lister? You’re Zeus. You shouldn’t be in this.

Nor should Shaggy. It wasn’t me, Shaggy.

Maybe Breckin Meyer should be in this. No, come on, be nice. He deserves some kindness.

Shockingly, this was directed by Anthony Hickox, who had previously made Waxwork, and written by Steven E. de Souza and Horst Freund. Yes, the same de Souza who wrote…Die Hard.

Just like an Italian movie, this takes scenes from Top Gun for the jets, to the point that you can see Maverick’s name on the side of the vehicle. It also takes footage from Backdraft.

Thanks to Matty from the most magical site of all time, The Schlock Pit, I can report that this movie was a remake of the German TV movie Operation Noah. That’s where the Horst Freund credit is from.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CBS LATE MOVIE: See China and Die (1981)

EDITOR’S NOTE: See China and Die was on the CBS Late Movie on March 4, 1984 and June 6, 1985.

Larry Cohen can really do no wrong.

Even with a TV movie budget, he turned this pilot for the TV show Momma the Detective into something great.

Momma Sykes (Esther Rolle) is the momma — you see, right? — of a cop, Sgt. Alvin Sykers (Kene Holliday) and she can’t help but get mixed up in his cases. She reads detective novels all the time and soon finds herself in one, as one of her employers — she’s a maid — was killed soon after coming back to China. Seeing as how she always figures out the killer in her books, she thinks she can do the same now.

She makes her way through the building, getting fired when she pries too much and then getting hired right next door, because finding a cleaning lady as good as her is hard in New York City.

I loved Ames Prescott (Paul Dooley), a cowboy singer in New York who was also a juggler, a magician and anything that would get him on the stage. There’s also a villain of sorts in former NYPD chief Edwin Forbes (Andrew Duggan), who threatens Alvin’s job.

Also: Laurence Luckinbill shows up and he was Sybok, so you should be pretty excited about that. And Estelle Evans and Rosanna Carter also show up as maids; they’re the real-life sisters of Rolle.

You can watch this on YouTube.