Monthly Archives: July 2020

High School Hellcats (1958)

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In October 1958, at an American-International Pictures luncheon for the Theaters Owners Association of America, producer Jerry Wald said that movies like High School Hellcats were “not the type of picture on which we can build the market of the future. While they may make a few dollars today, they will destroy us tomorrow.” Producer James H. Nicholson responded by stating “I’d rather take my children to see these pictures than God’s Little Acre.”

I mean, what movie would I be watching now if he was right?

Maybe he can explain how the star of this movie, Yvonne Lime, went on to co-found Childhelp and be nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize.

This whole thing is a proto-Mean Girls, except Bret Halsey — yes, the same dude from several Fulci films — is the male lead.

Everything is going well until a game of Sardines leads to a young girl dead. Ah, these High School Hellcats!

For a movie that was banned by PTA groups, it all seems rather safe today. This was released along with Hot Rod Gang, which I’m sure upset them further. It was directed by Edward Bernds, who brought us The New Three Stooges show in the 60’s, as well as Queen of Outer Space, Reform School Girl and The Bowery Boys Meet the Monsters.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

Regreso a Moira (2006)

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Known here as Spectre, this was directed by Mateo Gil, who wrote the 1997 movie Abre De Ojos that was remade here as Vanilla Sky.

Tomás became a success as a writer but has never returned to Spain. But after the death of his wife, a tarot card lures him back to the town where he was born, reminding him of his young days, when he fell for a woman that everyone said was a witch. Now, despite her being burned alive, she is calling him from beyond.

This was part of a Spanish TV movie series, Six Films To Keep You Awake. This is less a horror movie and more doomed romance, a tale of the superstitions of a small village before it became a tourist trap and the lives that were destroyed along the way.

It’s a slow burn, so be warned.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Six Days, Seven Nights (1998)

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Yes, Ivan Reitman, the same man who made Meatballs, made this movie.

What can I say nice about it?

Harrison Ford did all his own flying?

That this was shot on the same island as the 1976 King Kong?

Temuera Morrison and Ford are in this movie yet never meet in any of the Star Wars movies?

Umm…

Robin Monroe (Anne Heche) is a New York fashion editor whose boyfriend Frank (David Schwimmer) takes her on a South Pacific vacation, but the plane of Quinn Harris (Harrison Ford) crashes and hijinks, as I always say, ensue.

Sometimes, I watch movies like this just to make my wife happy. It makes me wonder what she sees in me, you know? I’m such a horrible grump, sitting here writing about movies that I don’t even care about while she watches true crime shows and I hope I’m doing the best that I can in this marriage.

Originally, the film was intended to make Anne Heche into a sex symbol. After she showed up on a red carpet with Ellen DeGeneres, Touchstone Pictures fired her, but Harrison Ford got her hired back.

The People Across The Lake (1988)

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To get away from the city and all its crime — dudes are peeping in on Rhoda while she’s trying to pee! — Chuck Yoman (Gerald McRaney), his wife Rachel (Valerie Harper) and their family move to redneck country where he’s going to make windsurfing boards. Yes, this is the plot. Yes, I watched it.

Everything seems great, you know, until Chuck goes swimming and ends up with a clammy dead body hugging him.

Tammy Lauren from Wishmaster is on hand, as is Dorothy Lyman (Naomi from Mama’s Family). But really, Major Dad in a wetsuit. That’s why you want to watch this movie, which honestly moves at a snail’s pace. And Valerie Harper looks decades older than him, so I made jokes the entire movie to alleviate the ennui.

You can watch this on YouTube.

This Saturday’s Drive-In Asylum Double Feature

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This weekend, we’re going back to the 80’s for two slashers. We have the links and recipes below so you can join us on Facebook Live Saturday at 8 PM East Coast time.

Up first is 1986’s Slaughter High, a movie that originally was called April Fool’s Day. It’s a revenge slasher with Caroline Munro and has some really inventive and fun kills. Here’s a drink that goes well with this movie (but you don’t need to drink to enjoy the time we have).

Killer Kool-Aid

  • 1 oz. vodka
  • 1/2 oz. amaretto
  • 1/2 oz. Midori or melon liquer
  • Craberry juice, to taste
  • Club soda, to taste
  1. Pour liquor ingredients into a glass filled with ice. Stir.
  2. Add cranberry to taste and stir again.
  3. Top with club soda and you’re done.

1981 slasher favorite Don’t Go In the Woods…Alone is our second movie and I can’t wait to watch it with everyone. I searched for a sweet drink that would go well with the bonkers nature of this one.

Forest Nymph

  • 1 1/2 oz. gin
  • 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • 2 oz. mango juice
  1. Pour all ingredients together over ice and stir. Pretty easy, really

You can watch both of these movies on Tubi:

Slaughter High

Don’t Go In the Woods…Alone

Heartbeat (2020)

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A reporter finds her life in danger when the story she has published results in several murders that come closer to her. That seems like a simple start, but the truth is, I was continually surprised by this horror film, as every time that I thought it would be a typical direct to streaming affair, it showed some aspiration or threw in a winking nod to the past.

Director Gregory Hatanaka has worked on several films that you can find streaming. Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance would probably be the best known.

I thought that this was going to be a straight-up slasher, but was shocked to see plenty of giallo influence in the kills, the lighting and even in the push in pauses that the film uses to dramatic editing effect. There’s even a scene where two of the characters watch a Hong Kong movie — I think it’s Master of the Flying Guillotine — that made me smile.

While most direct to streaming affairs feel filmed on an iPhone, this movie aspires to be much more. Plus, Lisa London is in this, who you may recognize as Rocky from Savage Beach. I always like to point out an Andy Sidaris reference.

You can learn more at the official site.

Thanks to Cinema Epoch for sending this movie to us.

Haven (2004)

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“Can love survive the fall of paradise?” That’s what writer and director Frank E. Flowers tried to answer in this film, which saw a limited release in U.S. theaters in 2006.

It tells the story of Carl Ridley (Bill Paxton), who has run from his crimes to the Cayman Islands and taken his 18-year-old daughter Pippa (Agnes Bruckner, who played Kris Jenner in The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Anna Nicole Smith in The Anna Nicole Story) along to her extreme displeasure. Her dalliances with the seedy teens of the island end up getting her father in even more danger than he was back in Miami.

Meanwhile — yes, this is a parallel story and the movie was produced by the same people who made Crash — a man named Shy (Orlando Bloom) has fallen for Andrea (Zoë Saldaña), who is the daughter of his boss. However, her brother Hammer (Anthony Mackie, The Falcon from the Marvel Universe) hates that he’s taken her virginity, so he throws acid in Shy’s face.

All of these lives will intersect and no one will be the same again after one party on one night, which just so happens to take place on Friday the 13th. This movie is shot really well and if you’re looking for a spiraling soap opera narrative, it’s worth checking out.

You can purchase this on blu ray from the folks at MVD, who were kind enough to send us a review copy. It’s also available on Tubi.

Parts Unknown (2018)

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After putting their bodies on the line for countless years, the Van Strasser family of professional wrestlers is looking for a brand new way to satisfy an impeccable bloodlust. And that way involves demons and quite possibly the end of the world.

This film is the sequel of sorts to 2016’s Witch Hunters and if you love pro wrestling, you’ll enjoy how crazy this all gets.

An entity known as The Holiness (voiced by Jake “The Snake” Roberts) is speaking to the father of the clan, leading him to greater heights of mayhem.

There’s plenty of violence on hand, with nipples being sliced off and devoured, as well as a razor blade dildo being used exactly how you always hoped that it wouldn’t.

There are more ideas than budget on screen here, but I walked away admiring director Richard Chandler for how much he tried to get out there. This is a movie that starts small and ends huge. It’s ridiculous, but that’s part of the charm.

Parts Unknown is available on demand and on DVD from Wild Eye Releasing, who were kind enough to send us a copy.

Mucho Mucho Amor (2020)

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Every day for decades, Walter Mercado — the iconic, gender non-conforming astrologer — mesmerized 120 million Latino viewers with his extravagance and positivity. And then he was gone.

In the film, Mercado defines himself as androgynous and insists that the primary relationship of his life is with his fans; he also jokes about being a virgin even in his advanced age. But man — what a magical world he created. His intros and his voice and his beyond Liberace outfits stand out in the macho world of Mexican television, a Puerto Rican performer just seamless fitting in while standing out at the same time.

For as big a star as Lin-Manuel Miranda is, you can tell how humbled he is upon meeting Mercado. That human moment made this entire movie for me. It’s exclusively on Netflix and well worth checking out.

You Should Have Left (2020)

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Man, I keep watching these Blumhouse movies and I keep getting depressed by figuring out their plots minutes into them and I keep doing it to myself.

This would be a giallo, except it doesn’t have any great fashion, good music, cool camera work, leather-gloved killers, trippy colors, weird plot movements or…actually it’s not anything near a giallo. Because it kinda sucks.

Also, I realized part of the way through that I was watching House of Leaves, but a really bad version of it. I wasn’t alone. Author Mark Z. Danielewski said, “Thanks everyone for bringing to our attention this measuring scene in YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT. If it isn’t theft, can anyone point to a scene of a man measuring the inside of his house against the outside of his house in any work other than HOUSE OF LEAVES?”

Yeah.

David Koepp is the ninth-highest ranked — money-wise — screenwriter of all time. He wrote I Come In Peace, so I’ll give him a pass. Then again, he also wrote The Shadow, Secret Window, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and directed Mortdecai. Some people just keep getting chances in Hollywood. He also wrote Stir of Echoes, so maybe his work is just all over the place. He based the movie on the book You Should Have Left by Daniel Kehlmann.

This would have been in theaters for a weekend if it wasn’t for COVID-19. Man, I’ve been a downer on this one. Sorry. I just can’t quit these glossy and disappointing films.