The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson (2019)

Well, let’s put it this way. I won’t have to go much further to find the worst movie I’ve seen this year.

Somehow, David Farrands went from writing Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers and documentaries on things like Amityville and Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th and directing Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy to basically creating — to quote my friend Don Guarisco — “appalling fan-fiction movies inspired by real murders.” This follows up his 2019 film The Haunting of Sharon Tate, which had Hilary Duff as Sharon.

Here, Nicole Brown is played by Mena Suvari. Yes, Mena Suvari, who was once in films like American PieAmerican Beauty and, umm, The Rage: Carrie 2. Even that last film is better than this. Imagine that sentence. Read it over again. Let that wash over you.

Taryn Manning, yes the same one who was in the band Boomkat and 8 Mile, she’s Faye Resnick who spends most of the movie doing blow and trying to make out with Nicole, as if no one is still alive and can sue everyone involved with this movie.

Agnes Bruckner, who was Anna Nicole in the movie called Anna Nicole, is Kris Kardashian. There’s also a guy — Trent Walker if you care — who plays Bruce Jenner and he looks nothing like him. His absence in one scene is referred to as “such a drag.” That’s the level of this film.

At one point, Nick Stahl was John Connor and the Yellow Bastard in Sin City, but here he’s Glen Rogers, the Casanova Killer and the Cross Country Killer who was rumored to have killed Nicole in the 2012 documentary My Brother the Serial Killer. Rogers’ brother Clay claimed that the suspect had met Nicole and was ready to take her down, claiming he was hired by O.J. Simpson to break into her home and steal everything he could, before telling her that, “You may have to kill the (word for a female dog so I can get this past Amazon filters when I post the review).”

Drew Roy, who was Jessie on Hannah Montana, is Ron Goldman. Bianca Brigitte VanDamme (yes, it’s his daughter) is Detective Leigh. Larry Zerner — yes, Shelly from Friday the 13th: Part III is here. And Gene Freeman, who was in Crossbreed, is O.J., who is mainly a ghost hovering over the film.

Speaking of ghosts, there’s an entire section of the film where Nicole is raised from her bed and begins getting tossed all over it like she’s Barbara Hershey in The Entity. I’m not making any of this up. This fact alone made me love what I had been hating up until this point.

I mean, how did this actually get made? How did Mena Suvari even get the gumption to ask for an executive producer credit on this mess? Why did I watch it? Why am I spending so much time writing about it now instead of going to bed?

So many questions!

O.J. note 1: The night of the Bronco chase, I was at a bar called Robert’s Roadside Inn and I’ve never heard such a rowdy bar get so quiet so fast. Seriously, some generations get the Kennedy Assassination and mine got O.J. and Al Cowlings in a slow-motion chase.

O.J. note 2: My theory is that Nicole and Ron were killed by a Predator, which are real creatures and our government created the movies as disinformation so that we wouldn’t know the terrors that exist in space. As out TV signals move slower into deep space, the Predators were looking for the ultimate human to hunt. And if you watched mid-70’s football, the perfect human male was probably O.J. Simpson. By the time they got to his house, he was long moved out and Nicole and Ron played the price. My theory, by the way, is not as insane as this movie.

O.J. note 3:

 

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