ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a freelance ghostwriter of personal memoirs and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxld

Yoshimi Matsubara (Japanese soap opera star Hitomi Kuroki) is involved in a bitter custody battle with her ex-husband over their 6-year-old daughter Ikuko (Rio Kanno.) While a decision is being made on the matter, Yoshimi and Ikuko move into a run-down apartment building and attempt to build a new life. At first, things seem fine save for the annoying leaky ceiling in the bedroom. As time passes, the leak gets worse and Ikuko starts talking to an imaginary friend named Mitsuko. 

It is soon revealed that Mitsuko (Mirei Oguchi) is the ghost of a missing child who used to live in the apartment upstairs. It appears she has returned to take Ikuko away from Yoshimi who tries to protect her daughter at all costs. 

Mother Yoshimi has some childhood abandonment issues of her own stemming from her own parents’ split. She wants nothing more than to be an excellent mother to Ikuko, and to keep them together. When the story of Mitsuko’s own maternal abandonment comes to light, Yoshimi realizes to her horror that it’s not Ikuko’s company, which Mitsuko desires, but her own. Ikuko is simply in the way. Yoshimi must choose between being Ikuko’s mother and Mitsuko’s. Her decision fulfills the needs of both children.

 Dark Water shares many characteristics of Hideo Nakata’s other hit film Ringu with a better screenplay. Mitsuko is given plenty of backstory within the two-hour running time. She is a tragic and potentially dangerous spirit who serves as a metaphor for Yoshimi’s own inner child. It took Nakata two films to accomplish the same depth of character with Ringu’s Sadako. Also, where Ringu ended on an anticlimactic note with the curse continuing, Dark Water has a satisfying, albeit melancholy, conclusion that takes place ten years after the events. It’s a very cathartic film and will probably have more of an emotional impact on viewers who come from divorced families. Nobody from the golden era of J-horror knows how to build quiet tension the way Nakata does. Through his skill as a director and the convincing performance of lead Hitomi Kuroki, something innocuous as a child’s book bag becomes ominous and terrifying. Sound effects and music play a big part in the chilling mood of the film and the scene where Mitsuko pounds on the inside of the water tank was as effective a use of them as any I’ve ever seen. 

Skip the bland American remake with Jennifer Connelly. Do yourself a favor and see the Arrow Video subtitled DVD instead. It’s an engaging and emotional thriller with a low body count and high intellect. For a dive down the creepy coincidence rabbit hole, watch Joe Berlinger’s Crime Scene: The Vanishing at The Cecil Hotel documentary after Dark Water. The similarities between Mitsuko’s death and the case of Elisa Lam are eerily similar.  

Morgan J. Freeman is not Morgan Freeman. He directed this movie, then went on to produce Laguna Beach, 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.

But this movie…

I had no idea that there was a sequel to American Psycho, much less that the movie wasn’t originally intended to even be a sequel. It was a script titled The Girl Who Wouldn’t Die and it wasn’t until production began that the film’s script was altered with the incorporation of Patrick Bateman.

In fact, Bret Easton Ellis – the author of the book — claimed that Lions Gate wanted to include a serial killer subplot in their adaption of his book The Rules of Attraction and he turned them down, so this was the movie that resulted.

So yeah, remember that Patrick Bateman? The guy who we were left wondering is he or isn’t he a serial killer? Well, this movie forgets all that nonsense by starting with him on a date with lead character Rachael Newman’s (Mila Kunis) babysitter. While the 12-year-old is in the other room, Bateman kills her and dissects her. But Rachael turns the tables by stabbing him with an icepick.

Now, she’s nearly all grown up and studying criminology in the class of former FBI agent Professor Starkman. That’s part of her insanely obsessive path to becoming an agent herself. And he’s played by William Shatner and our protagonist is in love with him, so if the idea of a 71-year-old Kirk being pursued by a 19-year-old Jackie, well then this is the movie for you.

Kunis attempted to stop production of American Psycho III, saying in an interview, “Please — somebody stop this. Write a petition. When I did the second one, I didn’t know it would be American Psycho II. It was supposed to be a different project, and it was re-edited, but, ooh..”

It’s astounding that this exists, that it has at least two well-known actors and that so few people are talking about it. Also, it has a cat get microwaved and despite how much I usually enjoy Kunis, I struggled through this one.

We’re at the sixth Hellraiser movie and this one bring back Kirsty Cotton and Clive Barker, who had some influence on the third act.

Trevor (Dean Winters, Mayhem from the insurance commercials) has been arrested for the potential murder of his wife — Kirsty Cotton (Ashley Laurence) — whose body can’t be found. He’s been cheating on her for some time and tricked her into reopening the Lament Configuration. Man, is there anyone positive in Kirsty’s life? PInhead, maybe?

This film follows a very similar plot to the movie that came before it, but doesn’t work as well.

Also, this would be the time in every review where Dimension/Miramax does something horrible to remind you just how evil they were. They placed the cast and crew under a gag order, not even allowing director Rick Bota to promote the film when Fangoria wanted to do a cover story. Laurence, however, ignored them and revealed that she was paid enough money from this movie to only be able to buy a refrigerator.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Vinyl Dolls seem ready for the big time if they can just all get along. Sadly, right before their biggest shows ever, their lead singer quits. Then they meet FInola who is actress Tiffany Shepis, the entire reason to watch this, and such a great part of Delta Delta Die!, Tales of Halloween, Victor Crowley and so many movies that she’s the best part of.

There’s some kind of plot here, but all the sex scenes get in the way. When I was a teenager, I would have said that there’s a plot that keeps getting in the way of the sex, so I feel like I’ve made some growth in my life. Also, Jezebelle Bond and Kelsey Hart are in this, and if you instantly know their names, you’ve done some personal growth of your own at one time of another in your life.

Director Buddy Beale made exactly this one movie. This was his shot, his dream project and this is what he gave us. A Cinemax ready movie made years after that was no longer a thing anyone wanted. Rock and roll?

If you can’t get Tim Thomerson, use stock footage or have him jump into the body of his daughter Josephine (Zette Sullivan). Oh Full Moon, you are as cheap as you are sometimes loveable. The Trancers are just as deadly, but you know, Jack’s a girl now. Or old footage. But mostly a lady.

We neglected to mention that there was another sequel which was to be part of the Full Moon anthology Pulse Pounders called Trancers: City of Lost Angels that was on the old Trancers DVD and shows up on the blu ray release. It has Thomerson and Helen Hunt teaming up as an old enemy of Jack’s named Edlin Shock escapes a maximum security facility and comes after our hero.

So yeah. Trancers 6. Did you ever accept a wedding invite and then break up with someone and the two of you still decide to go together but it feels like an obligation and while there are some alright parts, you just can’t wait to have it all be over? Yeah. It feels like that.

That said, Sullivan is pretty decent and had some coaching — so says IMDB so take that with a grain of Trancers — from Thomerson, who told her to act like Steve McQueen, only more pissed off.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Way back to two weeks ago — time has no meaning in a pandemic — we watched “Shallow Graves” in the Full Moon remix anthology The Dead Reborn.

So yeah — this is the full length cut and it’s all about a reality show called Chill Challenge that offers a million dollars to anyone who can survive a haunted house for one night. Has no one learned any lessons in the history of film?

Joe Estevez plays Stan the Investor who sets it all up. Brinke Stevens plays the ghost who is named Head Spectre in the credits. Women are named things like Paige Turner and Rainbow. I’m shocked that there aren’t black and white cans that just say beer in this what with all of the creativity that’s on display.

Somehow, this was called Prison of the Dead 2 as a working title and didn’t end up with that name. Come on, Full Moon. We depend on you for sequels and movies with small creatures that kill normal-sized people.

If you were demanded a version of Halloween: Resurrection that somehow sucked even more, this is your movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Vincent Dawn is the name Bruno Mattei used to make this movie, which is seemingly shot all in the same two or three rooms and feels like an even lower rent Showgirls, which is exactly the kind of movie that I want to watch Mattei make.

How do you know it’s Bruno Mattei? Because there’s an entire suicide scene from Lethal Weapon  cut and pasted into this film! Not an inspired shot or a copied scene, I mean he took the actual footage and put it into his movie.

That suicide scene goes in when one of Bruno’s (Hugo Baret, who is also in Mattei’s Privé and The Tomb) many women catches him in bed with another girl, does some coke he gives her and swan dives to her doom. One of her friends, Damy (Emily Crawford, also in Mattei’s Capriccio Veneziano), starts dancing in his club to get revenge.

I don’t know who this movie is for, because it’s packed with strip scenes that aren’t all that sexy and lovemaking scenes that are edited in strobing way that could give you a seizure but not an erection. Yet you know, I love that when some people retire and live quiet lives, Mattei was making movies pretty much up until the point that he died from brain cancer.

There’s also a sequel to this and with my level of obsessive-compulsive disorder, you know that I’m going to have to track it down.