And you thought you’d seen it all with Empire of the Apes (2013) and Revolt of the Empire of the Apes (2017)?
Well, break out the K-Y and the Trojans as we spin through a rip in the space-time continuum to a planet—lost somewhere beyond the planet Porno—where we meet the evil apes Dr. Anus and General Jerko and the peace-loving ape Cocknelius. Where’s Flesh Gordon when you need ’em? Hell, where are Jess Franco and Jean Rollin when you need ’em?
If there are any films that make the de Ossorio hack job Revenge from Planet Ape look like an Oscar Winner, it’s these behind-the-beaded curtain ape homages.
Mistress of the Apes (1979)
American exploitation filmmaker and self-professed “schlockmeister,” Larry Buchanan, he the king of the day-for-night shoots of our beloved trash-classics Curse of the Swamp Creature, The Eye Creatures, It’s Alive!, Mars Needs Women, and Zontar, the Thing from Venus dreamed up this sexploitation variation on Planet of the Apes crossed with Tarzan. The story concerns a sexy anthropologist who embarks on an expedition to find her missing anthropologist husband and discovers a tribe of evolved apes who engage in sex and rape and enjoy their soft-core nudity. Even by Buchanan’s standards, this ape romp is terminally weird. Weirder than his Jim Morrison flick Down on Us, you ask? Yes!
Oh, it gets better, as the cinematographer on this, Nicholas Josef von Sternberg, is the eye behind so many of our favorites, such as Dolemite, Petey Wheatstraw, Tourist Trap, On the Air Live with Captain Midnight, X-Ray, Joysticks, Appointment with Fear, Slaughterhouse Rock . . . his resume is chock-full of our VHS-of-yore analogs of joy . . and he’s immortalized on film in the Rudy Ray Moore bioflick, My Name Is Dolemite. Now, do you want to watch this one? Its von Sternberg for the win!
Planet of the Babes (2001)
Okay. Let’s get this over and done with: When Ang Lee received worldwide acclaim with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the porn industry pumped out a knockoff: Crouching Penis, Hidden Vagina. Stanley Kurbrick’s Spartacus became Spurtacus. Even Steven Spielberg wasn’t immune: E.T became the E-Three: The Extra Testicle, and he got another porn makeover with Shaving Ryan’s Parts. And you can probably guess the source materials for Big Trouble in Little Vagina, Ram-ohh, Romancing the Bone, and Womb Raider. There’s even a Marvel sex-romp: XXX-Men. And who can forget Saturday Night Beaver?
Thus, with the release of Tim Burton’s 2001 Planet of the Apes-reboot, it was inevitable the adult film industry would respond with a series of sexploitation rips. As with the present-day Asylum/SyFy Channel mockbusters we know today, this first film in the “sex apes” sweepstakes takes no chances: it lifts its plot and scenes wholesale from the 1968 original—with the ubiquitous, comical-character name changes (Dr. Anus and Cocknelius) expected in a porn-parody flick.
In the interview vignettes for the DVD release of 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes, James Franco angered the original film series’ fans when he made light of the groundbreaking John Chambers-makeup work and commented: “their mouths didn’t move,” as if insulting the original films was a smart way to upsell the green screen-motion capture apes of our post-Burton simian world. It’s obvious that James never saw Planet of the Babes, with its apparent, pull-over gorilla, chimpanzee, and orangutan masks. Does Planet of the Babes make Buchanan’s ape romp look good? Yes. Is Planet of the Babes more entertaining that Rise? You better believe it.
(You Tube had a 30 minute edit of the film with all the bad stuff (GOOD STUFF!) blurred out and it has since been pulled down. So Google it at your own peril if you absolutely must.)
Playmate of the Apes (2002)
If you had a Showtime or Cinemax subscription—and suffered from insomnia—chances are you saw this New Jersey-shot sex clone written by and starring adult actress and B-Movie stalwart Debbie Rochon released a mere seven months after Tim Burton’s 2001 remake hit the big screen.
Misty Mundae, aka Sadie Lane, aka American actress Erin Brown (she’s starred in a combined 87 adult films and low-budget B-Movies since her 1997 debut), stars as Commander Gaylor, one of three female astronauts—including Debbie Rochon as Dr. Cornholeous—who crash land on a distant planet populated by talking, horny apes led by the gorilla Generals Jerko and Lade. When the starbabes meet a human-friendly lesbian ape, Dr. Kweera, and her human jungle-woman subject (read: Nova), the ensuing lesbian lust threatens ape society.
Planet of the Erotic Apes (2002)
Also known as Babes in Kong Land, this shot-in-Cincinnati ape rip is actually a rip off of the Richard Hatch, Kay Lenz, and John Saxon borefest, Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983), only with sex and apes added. A TV repairman, who sidelines as a mad scientist, tests his new invention and accidentally transports himself to a planet where Amazonian women eschew men into “The Forbidden Zone” and bed with talking apes. Keen eyes weaned on the lowest-budget of the low-budget B-Movies will recognize Julie Strain (Psycho Cop Returns, Naked Gun 33 1/3, Beverly Hills Cop II, Battle Queen 2020) and Monique Gabrielle (Jim Wynorski’s Transylvania Twist, 976-Evil II, Munchie).
You can learn more about the film’s production courtesy of our interview with the film’s director, Eric Eichelberger.
And on the lighter side of ape parodies . . .
The off-spring of ‘90s Gen-X’ers were first exposed to Planet of the Apes by way of a Season 7 episode of The Simpsons starring actor Troy McClure cast in a musical version of Planet of the Apes entitled Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!. Troy sings the musical number “Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius” and serenades the Statue of Liberty with the lyric: “Oh my Gosh, I was wrong! It was Earth all along!” It’s the greatest ape homage, ever. Well, until Robot Chicken broke out the G.I Joes. . . .
Did you know there were three missing scenes from Planet of the Apes ‘68? Well the stop-motion sketch comedy television series Robot Chicken, which appeared as part of the adult-oriented nighttime programming block Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network, recreated that “missing footage”:
Now, if someone would come up with stop-motion G.I Joe and Barbie porn. . . .
And be sure to check out our linked-up “Ape Week” wrap-up of all the ape movies we reviewed this week with our “Ape Week Ends: Disney’s Planet of the Apes.” Oh, and this piece from Slate will hook you up with the rest of ape parodies from the like of The Muppets, the animated FOX series, The Critic, and a few others.
Many thanks to you, the loyal B&S About Movies’ readers for making this one of our most popular-visited posts! Keep those VHS decks runnin’!
“Hey, R.D., you forgot to mention Roberto Mauri’s Eva, the Savage Venus from 1968. Sometimes ‘Eve’ is used instead of Eva.”
Uh, okay. It’s really not that racy or erotic, but consider it mentioned.
About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S Movies.
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