DISMEMBERCEMBER: Night Visitors (1987)

PRESCRIPT: Credit where it’s due. I wouldn’t even know about this movie if I didn’t see that White Slaves of Chinatown planned on posting it on YouTube this week. Follow them and if you can, donate because they haven’t had the easiest time of it the last few years.

Released in Poland as Nocni goście (Nocturnal Guests), in Germany as a sequel to Don’t Open ‘Till Christmas titled Fröhliche Weihnacht 2 and in nearly every other country in the world other than right here where it was made, Night Visitors is something else, a movie that predates Funny Games in its home invasion theme but unlike other films in that genre like The Last House On the Left, it remains completely bloodless. There’s even a line on some box covers that claims “This year, Halloween has come early,”  yet because it’s set on Christmas Eve, wouldn’t Halloween be late?

Director David Fulk has one other directing credit, 2000s Road to Flin Flon and that’s it, which is a  shame. He co-wrote this with Norman Smith, who edited the films Dead RingerStreamersGraveyard Shift and the videos for “Time After Time” and “She Bop.”

Fulk shot a trailer for the film with actor Daniel Hirsch playing the mysterious Travis, which he also played in the final project. He’d just played the villain in The Zero Boys but this was a role that may have a similar concept but would need some more mental edge and less physicality. Continental Film Group agreed to produce and changed the name from The Whitmores Are Having Company to the much more provocative Night Visitors.

It was shot in February of 1988 in Sharon, PA which is minutes away from my hometown. Sharon is also the home of The Club, that locking mechanism that keeps thieves from stealing cars, and also the device that pays for much of the town staying alive, keeping tourist places open such as Reyer’s, which was once the largest shoe store in the U.S.; the original Quaker Steak and Lube, a chicken wing restaurant that local Trent Reznor (well, Mercer, PA close enough) eats at every Christmas Eve with his family; the Buhl Manor; a cemetery with crosses for every day a hostage was in Iran; Kraynaks, which has an annual Christmas tree walk and The Winner, a place that sells fancy dresses to old women while a dude plays piano for them. It’s an odd place yet perfect for this film.

In the book A Scary Little Christmas: A History of Yuletide Horror Films, 1972-2020 by Matthew C. DuPée, Fulk got into what inspired him: “Not to go into too much personal history, but I did grow in kind of Whitmore-esque environment. At that time in my life, I felt a need to skewer the artificiality, the denial of emotion, the removed-from-the-real-world nature of that milieu. So I aimed to bring the “real world” to them in the form of these four characters — archetypes, really — embodying the aspects of life they most denied and feared. And Christmas seemed to be the logical time to set it, since that’s when families with adult children are most likely to be together and a time when all that phony good cheer can be magnified. As for the “vibe” of the film, I was always partial to dark comedy during and after my college days in theater and film and it’s a style that lent itself to that story. I didn’t want to do just a mad slasher type of movie. That certainly would have been off-putting for the intended audience and it wouldn’t jibe with the vibe I was trying to get across…I was kind of toying with the viewer’s expectations.”

The film takes place in Shaker Heights — to quote the Hold Steady, “We used to shake it up in Shaker Heights” and also the hometown of WWE jerks the Beverly Brothers, but not really because those guys were from Minnesota and not even brothers — where the Whitmores have gathered for Christmas Eve. Lloyd (David Schroeder, who was in 150 plus movies and is still acting as of 2021) is the father, a man who seems like he’s a sitcom dad from the 50s, while Carolyn (Rochelle Savitt) is the strict mother. They’ve worked hard over the years — “We’ve done the best we can” — to raise their three children, accountant and 26-year-old virgin Tad (Joe Whyte, whose voice you may recognize as Chris Redfield in the remake of Resident Evil; he’s also in Assault of the Party Nerds), Holy Trinity College freshman and ham radio enthusiast Robbie (Richard Gabai, who directed, wrote and starred in two films for Menahem Golan’s 21st Century, Virgin High and Hot Under the Collar, as well as Vice Girls; he also acted in plenty of memorable films like Demon WindNightmare SistersThirteen Erotic Ghosts and Glass Trap) and high school senior Katie (Jeralyn Fabre), who is expected to also attend the same college as everyone else. There’s also the grandmother (Billye Ree Wallace, who is also in Shrunken Heads and was Nana on Seinfeld) who constantly complains about how dirty the house is.

As they prepare for their holiday festivities, we see how the other half lives, that is the antagonists led by the aforementioned Travis, who lords over his assembled family which is made up of his crimped-haired, Madonna-styled lover Lucy (Michele Winding, who is also in Gabai’s Blood Nasty), the bullying Earl (Richard Rifkin, who has nearly thirty movies on his resume, including non-sex appearances in Private adult films and blockbusters like Eragon and The Martian; like many folks here he’s also in Blood Nasty) and Reerah (Gregory Carlton Battle), who surprises dad when he reveals that despite being black, he came from wealth and learned everything the real way on the streets.

Travis and his — well, use the Manson form of family — visit as if they are carolers and burst inside the house, pulling a gun, ruining the traditional dinner and unwrapping all the gifts. The family is led downstairs and one by one brought upstairs as they are interviewed by Travis who has one wish: for someone special to kill him so he can go to Heaven and meet God.

It’s not Tad, who finds himself unable to rise and then does rise in other ways as he shares a bed with Lucy, surprising her with how good he is despite a total lack of experience. Also, as an aside, the JC Penney’s in Sharon’s Shenango Valley Mall once had a big display of MTV fashion in 1984 with the guy’s side basically being neon and sleeveless Union Jack shirts like Joe Elliot and the girl’s side was all push-up bras and lace gloves so even pre-teens could be Material Girls and I always think about the videos playing while kids begged their parents for rock and roll clothes in the middle of a dying steel town mall.

Robbie is lost inside his world of ham radio — which if you think about it is the less socially respectable social media of the past –and physically can’t compete with Travis, puking all over the doily covered furniture and being sent upstairs to be watched by Earl.

Reerah is in the basement, watching over mom, dad and grandma, who shares a kiss with Travis that shakes her to her core. It turns out that six months after marrying her husband — she never says Lloyd’s dad — she made love to a working man who stole him briefly from her. A man that looks exactly like Travis but 51 years later. As Travis tries to seduce Katie — which isn’t hard, as she wants to scream at baseball games, sing in elevators and dance in New York City — the family attacks, knocking out Earl and Reerah, which brings down a barely dressed Tad and Lucy just in time for Lloyd to push Travis into the Christmas tree, killing him.

Or does he? Because moments later, he’s been transformed, saying how he touched the face of the Almighty and is a changed man. Strangely, the whole family has been transformed by this night and not by violence; this is kind of like their Christmas Carol except, you know, one warped by sex, strangness and a lunatic who might be the sanest person in the story.

Night Visitors never came out on VHS in the U.S., nor is it streaming anywhere other than YouTube and it’s also never been on DVD or blu ray. This is a movie where not much happens, a lot of talking occurs, everyone is absolutely strange and there’s not really a protagonist or antagonist as much as there are characters that interact. I find it incredibly fascinating, a holiday horror movie that is not a horror film at all, one I had never heard of that had somehow been made just feet from where I was often in 1987.

PITTSBURGH MADE: Drive-In Madness (1987)

At one point, there were double-digit drive-ins in the greater Pittsburgh area. Today, we’re lucky to still have The Comet, The Brownsville Drive-In, The RiversidDrive-InIn Theatre and, as always, The Dependable, now playing first-run movies and friendly to families after decades of being literally a pit of lust and sin. Sigh.

In 1987, Tom Ferrante (who also worked on the music for Raiders of the Living Dead) directed and wrote this film and not only was he able to get James Karen to narrate it, he got a who’s who of horror at the time, everyone from Bobbie Breese and Linnea Quigley to Forest J. Ackerman, George Romero, John Russo, Tom Savini, Russell Streiner and Sam Sherman all talking about the days of drive-ins as well as their horror careers, intercut with trailers for Terror Is a ManThe Blood DrinkersTheatre of DeathBrides of BloodGirls for Rent and clips for Nurse SherriBlazing StewardressesNight of the Living DeadDon’t Open the Window, The Green Slime, Satan’s Sadists, Ghoulies, The Human Duplicators, Horror of the Blood MonstersAssignment TerrorDracula vs. FrankensteinPsychos In Love and From Beyond.

There’s a moment where you get to hear Russo and Romero discuss There’s Always Vanilla, which if you’re a Pittsburgh movie fan is worth watching this whole thing for.

Once, I was looking for a drive-in in White Oak that had a swimming pool and you could swim under the screen and pick what movie you wanted to watch, as a different one was shown on each side. An older gentleman noticed me wandering and asked what I was looking for. When I told him, he laughed and said, “You’re standing on it. This parking lot is where it used to be.”

The past is gone and further back in the rear view every day. All we can do is try to capture it today, write about it and keep those warm memories. As a wise man has said — and will say — many times, “The drive-in will never die.”

PITTSBURGH MADE: Kenny (1988)

Kenneth Easterday was born with sacral agenesis, a congenital disorder in which the fetal development of the lower spine is abnormal. The first amputation surgery used his shin bones to replace his missing spinal column. They held off on the second surgery as he wasn’t expected to live, but then his second surgery improved his mobility by amputating the rest of his remaining legs at the hips.

This didn’t stop Kenny, as you can see in the movie, as he got around on a skateboard.

Directed and written by Claude Gagnon, this film is about a documentary crew trying to see what Kenny’s life is, living in the mill town of Aliquippa with a large family. Funded by Bandai Entertainment Inc. and Toho and staffed by a Japanese crew — Gagnon often worked between Canada and Japan — this film has a great cast as well, including Pittsburgh native Caitlin Clarke (Dragonslayer), Liane Curtis (whose father was the voice of Pops Racer and directed The Flesh Eaters; she’s in Sixteen Candles and Critters 2: The Main Course), Zach Grenier (he was Ed Norton’s boss in Fight Club), the man considered Pittsburgh’s finest actor Bingo O’Malley and Kenny’s real-life brother and sister Jess and Karen.

What’s amazing in this film is that it never gets overly dramatic. Kenny is actually pretty much fine with the hand that life is dealt him, laughing that the documentary crew wants to ramp up his pain and refusing the fake legs that everyone thinks will make him feel normal. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to see the old Market Square that I miss so much, giving you a view of George Aiken’s so perfect that you can smell the fried chicken.

This is now available on blu ray from Canadian International Pictures, a Vinegar Syndrome partner label.

ANOTHER HOLE IN THE HEAD FILM FESTIVAL 2022: Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This originally was on the site on January 5, 2020 and the article first appeared in Drive-In Asylum Special Issue #4, which you can buy here. It’s running again because the Another Hole In the Head Film Festival will be playing it during the Warped Dimension VHS Show! at the Roxie Theater on December 3rd at 9 pm.

This performance art hybrid of Live interactive theater and movie screening experience will be hosted by MC Benji, AHITH programmer and host of the underground virtual show Warped Dimension TV. Special guests include award-winning actor Michael Kane and his personal VHS copy of Jaws: The Revenge, which will be screened after a brief Q&A session.

So many people use Jaws: The Revenge as an instantly recognizable reference point for bad movies. If you watch any of those top ten worst film lists on YouTube, inevitably it’s right there on the top of every one of them. But can it really be that bad of a movie?

It’s certainly made by people with talent. Producer/director Joseph Sargent won four Emmys throughout his storied career, as well as helming such well-thought-of movies like The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, The Night That Panicked America, Nightmares, MacArthur and Colossus: The Forbin Project. He even won the Directors Guild of America Award for The Marcus-Nelson Murders, the TV movie pilot for Kojak. In fact, he still leads all DGA members for most nominations for the TV movie category.

Sir Michael Caine is certainly a talented actor. He’s been nominated for an Academy Award in every decade from the 1960s to 2000s, winning two for Hannah and Her Sisters and The Cider House Rules, with his performance in Educating Rita earning him the BAFTA and Golden Globe Award for Best Actor.

So what happened? How can a movie — that one assumes was made with good intentions — turn out to be the touchstone for what constitutes a bomb?

In interviews before the film was even released, Sargent referred to it as “a ticking bomb waiting to go off” and noting that MCA Inc. president — and husband of star Lorraine Gary — Sid Sheinberg “expects a miracle.” There was no script when Sargent was asked to direct. Years later, he’d say that the movie was made out of desperation and that he tried a mystical take in an attempt to give audiences “something interesting enough to sit through.”

Even though this film was to center on Gray’s Ellen Brody character, Roy Scheider was offered a cameo where his Martin Brody character, rather than Sean Brody, would have been killed by the shark in the beginning. This was a wise choice to avoid this opening — murdering the center of the first two films would have put such a bad taste in audiences’ mouths that they may have hated this movie even more than they already did. To his credit, Scheider said, “Satan himself could not get me to do Jaws Part 4.

Lee Fierro also returned as Mrs. Kintner, the mother of Alex in Jaws, along with Amity Town Council member Mrs. Taft, who is again played by Fritzi Jane Courtney. Amity Selectman Mr. Posner (Cyprian R. Dube) is now the mayor, probably because the actor who played Larry Vaughan (Murray Hamilton) is dead.

Otherwise, forget all you knew about Jaws and the previous sequels. Mike no longer works for SeaWorld and he’s no longer played by Dennis Quaid. Instead, Halloween 2 hunk Lance Guest fills in. Following the heart attack death of her husband and great white murder of her son Sean — to the strains of holiday carols no less — Ellen Brody forgets all that she knew as well and leaves for the Bahamas.

There, she falls for Hoagie (Caine), who is a degenerate gambler by night and a pilot by day, but we all know that he runs cocaine. It’s just never said, but we can read between the lines that he’s done some shady things. In fact, scenes involving him being a smuggler were shot, then deleted during post-production, because it took away from the shark scenes.

Right now, Hoagie is having a September September romance with Ellen, trying to get her to forget the past — keep in my her husband died a few months ago and her son a few days hence — with some airplane riding, slow dancing and carnival attending.

Some moments of the film definitely make me understand why people dislike it so — the sepia toned callbacks to the first film, Mario Van Peebles’ forced accent, a shark that is somehow able to swim from an island in New York to the Bahamas in three days, which means he’d had to swim at nearly its full speed of 25 mph non-stop to make it. I mean, sharks never sleep, but that’s ridiculous.

Also, when you watch the ending, you may notice that the shark roars. Underwater, no less. The sound effects guy thought that this was so stupid that he used a sound effect from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Speaking of the ending, the one that gets aired on TV and home video isn’t the original. When the film was first released, it ended with JJakebeing devoured, Ellen ramming the shark with Mike’s boat and the shark’s death throes nearly killing everyone. Audiences hated that, so the ending with her stabbing the shark with the bow of the ship was added. Because they didn’t have much budget left, the film ends with the footage of the dying shark from the original.

These reshoots kept Caine from accepting his Oscar. Imagine that.

It could have been much worse. Or better, if you’re someone like me that loves movies packed with inanity and insanity in equal measure.

That’s because in the novelization of the film by Hank Searls, Hoagie is a government agent transporting laundered money. Jake is killed by the shark. And the reason for all this mayhem is because a voodoo witch doctor has a score to settle with the Brody family — which also explains, I guess, why Ellen and the shark have a psychic connection.

While the movie ignores the third film, the book combines all the movies with the Peter Benchley novel, making a reference to Ellen’s affair with Matt Hooper that is eliminated from the Spielberg-directed original film.

In truth, I like this movie. It’s an interesting take on how years of dealing with shark-related mayhem takes its toll on the various characters’ lives. And I really enjoyed how Michael and Carla’s marriage is depicted; she initiates lovemaking as much as him and it just seems honest and real.

Let’s face it. I’ve seen plenty of worse movies than this one. If there’s any tragedy to this movie, it’s that the actress who played Thea — Judith Barsi — died not long after it was released, as she and her mother were the victims of a murder/suicide at the hands of her father. Lance Guest served as a pallbearer at her funeral.

Perhaps the best review of the film comes from Sir Michael Caine himself, who said, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific. Won an Oscar, built a house and had a great holiday. Not bad for a flop movie.”

This movie was part of the Another Hole in the Head film festival, which provides a unique vehicle for independent cinema. This year’s festival takes place from December 1st – December 18th, 2022. Screenings and performances will take place at the historic Roxie Cinema, 4 Star Theatre and Stage Werks in San Francisco, CA. It will also take place On Demand on Eventive and live on Zoom for those who can not attend the live screenings. You can learn more about how to attend or watch the festival live on their Eventlive site. You can also keep up with all of my AHITH film watches with this Letterboxd list.

THANKSGIVING TERROR: Blood Harvest (1987)

Herbert Buckingham Khaury was better known as Tiny Tim. To most of the general public, he’s been forgotten. But at one point, he was the hottest celebrity in the country.

He started his stage career under a series of names like Texarkana Tex, Judas K. Foxglove, Vernon Castle and Emmett Swink, growing out his hair and wearing pale face paint. His mother thought he was insane and nearly committed him Bellevue Hospital.

He persevered, becoming Larry Love, the Singing Canary at the also now forgotten Hubert’s Museum and Live Flea Circus in New York City’s Times Square. He was soon playing six nights a week throughout Greenwich Village as Darry Dover and finally settled on the stage name Sir Timothy Timms.

After an appearance in Jack Smith’s Normal Love and on the ultra hip show Laugh-In (by his third appearance he would arrive and depart surrounded by a procession of hangers-on), Tim began making appearances on The Tonight Show. On December 17, 1969, he married his first wife Miss Vicki on a set decorated with 10,000 tulips from Holland, with 40 million people as guests watching on television. This event was second to only the moon landing when it comes to TV ratings in the 1960’s.

So what was it that made the public fall in love with a strange man who sang old standards with a high falsetto while playing a ukelele? Maybe he just hit the pop conscious at the right time, seemingly aware and unaware of the joke.

The only movie that Tiny Tim ever starred in was 1987’s Blood Harvest. To say that this is an incredibly odd film should surprise no one.

Jill Robinson, returns to her peaceful hometown to discover her childhood home defaced, her parents missing and every single person hating her father, whose bank has foreclosed on all of their farms. Only one man — Marvelous Mervo the Clown (yes, Tiny Tim) — is happy to see her. Almost too happy.

Why is Mervo a clown all the time? Why does his clown suit have a plaid dress shirt as part of it? Why do people allow this to happen?

Mervo’s brother tries to win back Jennifer as everyone around her is killed in the barn, turned upside down and allowed to bleed out like animals. Who is the man with the stocking on his head, killing everyone? I mean, this movie starts out with a silly clown and ends up as brutal and demented as any giallo, including a scene where someone who we believe could be the hero gets fully naked and just stares at the final girl while she sleeps. There’s also way more nudity than you’d expect. And this is a slasher. So you expect plenty.

Unlike most slashers, this movie feels like real maniacs made it. It feels you’re a voyeur even watching it. And having Tiny Tim comment on the action by having scenes where he tearfully sings songs that seem to comment on the action only push this further into true art. Why is this movie not more celebrated? Where is the high end blu ray re-release?

Keep in mind that this isn’t post-modern goofiness or Troma look how silly this all is strangeness. This movie is the kind of strange that makes you wonder if people were really murdered as it was created. That’s high praise.

How did Tiny Tim get into this? Well, at a personal appearance at a beer carnival in Lincoln County, Wisconsin, he met local filmmaker Bill Rebane. Rebane had an idea for a film, wanted to know if Tim wanted to be in it and that’s how this got made.

Rebane was also responsible for films like Monster a Go-GoThe Giant Spider InvasionThe Alpha Incident and Demons of Ludlow. All of those films are strange and worth exploring, but they can’t hold a candle to the pure bonkers nature of this one.

Sadly, Tiny Tim would have a heart attack on stage while performing his most famous song, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” Today, people know it as the scary song from Insidious. But once, it meant so much more.

SYNAPSE BLU RAY RELEASE: The Kindred (1987)

Directed by Jeffrey Obrow (The Dorm That Dripped BloodThe Power) and Stephen Carpenter, who wrote the script along with John Penney (who wrote and directed Zyzzyx Road), Joseph Stefano (Psycho) and Earl Ghaffari, this movie starts with Amanda (Kim Hunter) giving her son John (David Allen Brooks) a dying request to destroy all of the notes from her lab. And oh yeah — he had a brother. And also, PS PS, that brother has tentacles.

The Kindred has a great cast — Amanda Pays, Rod Steiger, Talia Balsam — and even better effects. It might not have the best story, but look, in 1987, this was a very solid five for five rental. And today, in 2022, it’s a great reissue blu ray that looks way better than it ever has before. I mean, it has Steiger get dumped with KY jelly and he did that stunt himself. A true pro as always.

Practical effects forever. Seriously, if I saw this when I was 15, I would probably be even more into it than I was and that’s the mark of a worthwhile film.

The Synapse blu ray release of The Kindred has an all-new 4K high-definition remaster of the unrated version of the film, along with audio commentary with directors Jeffrey Obrow and Stephen Carpenter, moderated by horror journalist Steve Barton, an all-new documentary on the film, never-before-seen behind the scenes effects experiments, a still gallery, storyboards, theater and video trailer, and TV ads. You can get it from MVD.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 28: The Hidden (1987)

Day 28. SPACE ODDITIES: Aliens that imitate humans or take over a human body.

Jack Sholder made two unappreciated horror films, Alone In the Dark and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge before this and it ended up becoming his move from that genre into action.

I remember renting this and had that feeling afterward that I wanted the characters to be real people. I wanted to get to know them better and spend more time with them, which is a little odd as one of the leads is an alien.

Detective Thomas Beck (Michael Nouri) is an LAPD cop. He’s definitely from our world or more likely, the universe of action filmmaking. FBI Special Agent Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) is potentially something else. Together, they’re hunting a being that goes from body to body, starting with Jack DeVries (Chris Mulkey), once an ordinary person who has gone on a crime spree and who also takes hundreds of bullets and a car crash to slow down. The slug-like alien inside that man leaps into a nearly dead man, then into an exotic dancer (Claudia Christian), a dog and then even tries to get inside a politician.

Along the way, you get alien weapons, sports car mayhem, flamethrowers and even an emotional ending to this story. It kind of transcends simple science fiction ridiculousness while also having tons of it; it’s just a special movie to me.

Jim Kouf — using the name Bob Hunt — also wrote The Boogens before this. He’d later write StakeoutRush Hour and National Treasure.

This was called L’Alieno (The Alien) in Italy because they don’t care about spoilers.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 27: Near Dark (1987)

27. A Horror Film by a Director who made more than three movies but only made one horror film. (Not THE SHINING. You can be more creative than that!)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I honestly couldn’t think of any that I haven’t written about before, so I had to post this, which was first on the site on September 8, 2020.

Two vampire movies came out in 1987.* One became a celebrated big-budget film that launched the careers of the Coreys and Kiefer Sutherland, with songs that people still sing, shirtless saxophonists and quotable dialogue about why there’s no need for a TV when you have TV Guide. The other movie was in and out of theaters in the time it took to read the last sentence and has stuck in my mind forever since.

Kathryn Bigelow had never directed a movie before. She was given five days to succeed or be replaced. She wanted to make a Western, but they weren’t popular. So she combined the vampire genre — the word is never mentioned — and hired three of the actors from her future husband James Cameron’s recently completed Aliens, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton and Jenette Goldstein.

Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) falls for the mysterious Mae (Jenny Wright, who is another beyond cult horror film that few discuss, I, Madman) but then learns her family — Severen (Paxton), Jesse Hooker (Henriksen), Diamondback (Goldstein) and Homer (Joshua John Miller) — are a roving band of RV driving maniacs given to acts of merciless terror.

The only problem that I’ve ever had with this film is that I have always seen the normal people in the world as the real monsters, despite the hints that Jesse and Severen set the Great Chicago Fire. The blood transfusions that save the beautiful people seem way too easy of a way out of the hell that the gang promises.

Biglow would go on to make the equally well-made Blue Steel. Most of the cast went on to fame, at least in the circles of people who read our site. And if you look close enough, there’s a picture of a torn-apart Severen on my fridge.

If you’d like to learn more about the films scored by the band who gave this movie its unique soundtrack, check out our article Exploring: 10 Tangerine Dream Soundtracks.

*We know that A Return to Salem’s Lot and My Best Friend Is a Vampire also came out in 1987. For the sake of poetic license, we hope you understand why we juxtaposed these two films. Ironically, both movies have a son of The Exorcist star Jason Miller in their casts, with Joshua John Miller is in Near Dark and his half-brother Jason Patric in The Lost Boys.

BONUS: You can hear Becca and Sam discuss this movie on our podcast.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE 10: The Pink Chiquitas (1987)

10. A Horror Film Scored by Paul Zaza.

Frank Stallone as Tony Mareda Jr., a former Olympic athelete and now a detective who fights with the mob the whole way to a drive-in located in Beamsville that soon has a meteor crash down and transform all of the women in sex-obsessed maniacs. Soon, Tony and news anchor Bruce Pirrie are trying to save the men of the town from Mary Anne Kowalski (Elizabeth Edwards) and her literal army of women. And their pink tank, too.

The meteor has the voice of Earth Kitt. Along with Stallone, she performs the Paul Zaza-written songs.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Don’t I need sleep?

This is the only full-length movie that Tony Currie directed and wrote, but he also worked on sound for Prom NightNaked Lunch and Eastern Promises.

But seriously, this movie doesn’t have much to say. I was hoping that this would be some kind of secret classic — I mean, look at the poster art — but I struggled throughout. In a world where Invasion of the Bee Girls and Voyage of the Rock Aliens are already made, why did this even happen? What new could it say?

The filmmakers did, however, get all they could out of Art of Noise’s “Peter Gunn theme.”

Ninja Commandments (1987)

According to Taiwan Black Movies in Variety, this genre of films was “Known at the time by the polite description “social-realist crime films,” the genre was a broad church, combining over-the-top sexual and physical violence with stories involving either political or economic gangsterism.”

I’m telling you this because IFD Films usually involved filmmakers like Godfrey Ho taking multiple ninja movies and surgically fusing them together into one never all that conhesive narrative. This one claims to be directed by Joseph La with Ho as story developer, yet nearly the entire movie come from the Taiwan black movie Ma! Don’t Die On My Back!

The Ninja Master (Louis Roth) of the Silver Ninja Empire tells his students that Rodney and Janet — the characters from Ma! Don’t Die On My Back! — have broken the first law of being a ninja: no premarital sex. They have been exiled and oh yeah, Gordon (Richard Harrison), needs to go get the Sword of Valour.

Rodney (Chun Hsiung Ko) and Janet (Elsa Yeung) aren’t having a good time of things after being ninjas. He’s gambling all over their money, she works scrubbing floors despite being pregnant. When he wins a big game of dice, a gang sets him up and he goes to prison, leaving Janet as a single mother and to make things worse, an accident burns her face.

As their son Danny grows up, she’s too ashamed to tell him that she’s his mother and says that she’s just his maid. It takes him growing up and searching for his birth parents to realize that he’s always known his mother. She’s now dying and he puts her on his back to run to find his father, who has hung himself under a bridge. Yeah, this movie gets dark and you thought you were getting brightly colored ninjas.

Well, they’re still here. As the master sent away Gordon, he has denied Stuart (Dave Wheeler) from being his successor. Stuart responds by killing him but somehow, he keeps breaking into the movie to tell us the ninja commandments, living up to this film’s title. And then Gordon uses a ninja umbrella and defeats every other ninja and we’re just supposed to forget that we watched all these ruined lives.

Seriously, this is one of the strangest and most oddly perfect mixes of two movies that don’t belong together.

Basically, if you’re a ninja, get married before you make love.