MOVIES THAT PLAYED SCALA: Stop Making Sense (1984)

Thanks to the British Film Institute, there’s a list of films that played Scala. To celebrate the release of Severin’s new documentary, I’ll share a few of these movies every day. You can see the whole list on Letterboxd.

Directed by Jonathan Demme, this concert film was made over four nights in December 1983 at Hollywood’s Pantages Theatre while the band was on tour promoting their 1983 album, Speaking in Tongues. The band, who raised all of the money themselves for this, appear alongside backing singers Lynn Mabry and Ednah Holt, guitarist Alex Weir, keyboardist Bernie Worrell and percussionist Steve Scales.

Starting with Byrne walking on stage with just an acoustic guitar and a boom box to play “Psycho Killer,” the band and the screens behind them build between Weymouth joining for “Heaven,” Frantz for “Thank You for Sending Me an Angel” and Harrison for “Found a Job” with the full band and stage set complete for “Burning Down the House.”

Demme wanted to include more shots of the audience reacting to the performance — we don’t see them until “Crosseyed and Painless” — but when he lit the audience, it led to band feeling insecure and “the worst Talking Heads performance in the history of the band’s career.”

I can’t think of a more perfect concert film, between the performances of “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)” — which is the song most important to my wife and me — and Weymouth and Franz becoming the Tom Tom Club to rock on “Genius of Love” while Byrne puts on what would become his signature giant suit. Why the suit? As Byrne answers in the promotional interviews for this, “I wanted my head to appear smaller, and the easiest way to do that was to make my body bigger, because music is very physical and often the body understands it before the head.”

It’s incredible that the A24 4K release is just sitting on the shelf in your local Walmart, ready to be the best piece of media in your collection. Get it as soon as you can.

SEVERIN BLU RAY RELEASE: Scala!!! shorts disc one (1968. 1971, 1978, 1984, 1986, 1989, 1991)

On the bonus discs of Severin’s new Scala!!! Or, the Incredibly Strange Rise and Fall of the World’s Wildest Cinema and How It Influenced a Mixed-up Generation of Weirdos and Misfits release, you’ll find examples of several shorts that played at the theater. You can buy this from Severin.

Divide and Rule – Never! (1978): Made for and by young people, this forty-minute or so film looks at race and how it is viewed in school, at work and by the law. There are also some historic sequences of British imperialism and a discussion of how Germany got to the point that it was pre-World War II, plus plenty of punk rock and reggae. This has many sides represented, from Black and Asian immigrants to ex-National Front members.

Divide and Rule — Never! was distributed by The Other Cinema, a non-profit-making, independent film distribution company in London.

Sadly, so much of this movie — made 45 years ago — are just as relevant today in America. This is movie that doesn’t shy away from incendiary material, but that’s what makes it so powerful. In addition to the interviews, it has some interesting animation and a soundtrack with Steel Pulse, TRB, X-Ray Specs and The Clash.

Dead Cat (1989): Directed and written by Davis Lewis, this has Genesis P-Orridge in the cast and a soundtrack by Psychic TV, which has been released as Kondole/Dead Cat.

A boy (Nick Patrick) has a cat that dies and his grief deposits him into a psychosexual nightmare, including a medicine man (Derek Jarman) and several unhoused people (P-Orridge, Andrew Tiernan).

This was shown at only a few theaters the year it was release — including Scala Cinema — before fading away and almost being lost before Lewis found it. In the program for this film, Scala said “The torture that occurs at the transition of sexuality.” If you liked videos for bands liek Skinny Puppy and Nine Inch Nails, this feels like the inspiration.

The Mark of Lilith (1986): Directed by Bruna Fionda, Polly Gladwin and Zachary Nataf as a project at The London College of Printing, this is all about Zena (Pamela Lofton), who is researching monstrous women. She meets Lillia (Susan Franklyn) a vampire, at a horror movie and the two start a relationship. 

Liliana, trapped with an abusive male partner by the name of Luke (Jeremy Peters) who is what vampires probably would be, scavengers who feed on the weak, dreams of movies in which she is the victim of just such a vampire. She’s often fed on human beings, but has been careful not to be caught or make a mess, unlike her partner. As for Zena, she’s been studying how female gods were once worshipped but now only appear in horror fiction as monstrous creatures.

So much of this movie is as right on now as when it was made, like the speech that Zena gives when Liliana tracks her down: “Have you noticed that horror can be the most progressive popular genre? It brings up everything that our society represses, how the oppressed are turned into a source of fear and anxiety. The horror genre dramatizes the repressed as “the other” in the figure of the monster and normal life is threatened by the monster, by the return of the repressed consciously perceived as ugly, terrible, obscene.”

Her argument is that we can subvert the very notions of horror, making the monsters into heroes that destroy the rules that hold us down.

However, this being a student film, it’s very overly earnest and instead of working these ideas into the narrative as subtext, they take over the entire movie. If you’re willing to overlook this, it’s a pretty fascinating effort.

Relax (1991):  Steve (Philip Rosch) lives with his lover Ned (Grant Oatley), but as he starts to engage in a more domestic relationship, he starts to worry about all of the partners he’s had. After all, the AIDS crisis is happening and he’s never been tested. Ned tells him to relax, but there’s no way that he can.

The wait for the test is just five days but it may as well be forever. This also makes a tie between sex and death, as Steve strips for both Ned and his doctor. And in the middle of this endless period of limbo, he dreams of death and fights with Ned, who just smiles and keeps telling him to relax. But how could anyone during the time of AIDS?

I remember my first blood test and the doctor lecturing me after he gave it, telling me that I should have been a virgin until I married and whatever happened, I brought it on myself. The funny thing was, I had been a virgin, I thought I was getting married and I had no knowledge that my fiance was unfaithful to a level you only see in films. That night, my parents came to visit, leaving their small town to come to the big city and my mother asked, “What is that bandage on your arm?” I could have lied, but I told her it was for a blood test, and I dealt with yet someone else upset with me. My problems were miniscule in the face of the recriminations that gay people had to deal with, a time of Silence=Death, a place seemingly forgotten today other than by the ones who fought the war.

Directed and written by Chris Newby, this is a stark reminder of that time.

Boobs a Lot (1968): Directed by Aggy Read, this is quite simple: many shots of female breasts, all set to The Fugs’ song of the same name. Banned in Australia, this has around three thousand sets of mammaries all in three minutes, the male gaze presented over and over and, yes, over again until it goes past just being sophomoric and becomes mesmerizing in the way that breasts are when you’re starting puberty. I’m ascribing artistic meaning to this but really, at the end of the day, it’s just a lot of sweater meat. Fun bags. Cans, dirty pillows, babylons, what have you. My wife is always amazed at how many dumb names I can come up with for anatomy and I blame years of John Waters and reading Hustler as a kid and yeah, I’m not as proud of the latter than the former. That said, there are a lot of headlights in this one.

Kama Sutra Rides Again (1971): Stanley (Bob Godfrey, who also directed and write this) and Ethel are a married couple looking to keep their love life interesting, so they have been trying out new positions. Things start somewhat simple, but by the end, Ethel is being dropped through trap doors and out of an airplane onto her husband. A trapeze love making attempt ends in injury, leading Ethel to chase Stanley while all wrapped up.

Stanley Kubrick personally selected this film to play before A Clockwork Orange in theaters in the UK. I wonder if this played at Scala before the screening that shut down the theater. More than just a dirty cartoon, this was nominated for an Oscar. Despite being about lovemaking, it’s all rather innocent and remains funny years after it was made.

Coping With Cupid (1991): Directed and co-written by former Slits guitarist Viv Albertine, this finds three blonde alien women — played by Yolande Brener, Fiona Dennison and Melissa Milo — who have come to Earth to learn what love is, under the command of Captain Trulove (the voice of Lorelei King). They meet a man named Peter (Sean Pertwee), who hasn’t found anyone, as well as interview people on the street to try and learn exactly how one person can become enamored of another.

Richard Jobson from Skids and Don Letts from Big Audio Dynamite appear, as does feminist sexologist Shere Hite, at least on a TV set. I love that the three aliens are the ideal of male perfection yet they are lonely, trying to figure out what it takes to make the heart beat. It’s kind of like so many other films that I adore where space women try to understand men, a genre that really needs a better title. See Cat-Women of the Moon, Missile to the Moon, Queen of Outer Space, Fire Maidens from Outer SpaceAmazon Women On the Moon, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, El Planeta De Las Mujeres Invasoras and Uçan Daireler Istanbulda.

On Guard (1984): Sydney: Four women — Diana (Jan Cornall), Amelia (Liddy Clark),  Adrienne (Kerry Dwyer) and Georgia (Mystery Carnage) — juggle their lives, careers and even families to destroy the research of the company Utero, who are creating new ways of reproductive engineering. Or, as the sales material says, “Not only are the protagonists politically active women, but the frank depiction of their sexual and emotional lives and the complexity of their domestic responsibilities add new dimensions to the thriller format. The film also raises as a central issue the ethical debate over biotechnology as a potential threat to women and their rights to self-determination.”

One of the women loses the diary that has all of the information on their mission, which leads to everyone getting tense over what they’re about to do. Directed by Susan Lambert, who wrote it with Sarah Gibson, this allows the women to be heroes and not someone to be saved. I like that the advertising promised that this was “A Girls’ Own Adventure” and a heist film, hiding the fact that it has plenty of big ideas inside it.

Today, in vitro fertilisation (IVF) is an accepted way of having children, yet here, it’s presented as something that will take away one of the primary roles of women. Juxtapose that with IVF being one of the women-centric voting topics of the last U.S. election.

SEVERIN BLACK FRIDAY: Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

This Black Friday, Severin, director Bruno Mattei and screenwriters Claudio Fragasso and Rossella Drudi take us to 225 A.B. (After The Bomb), as a gang of scavengers discover a seemingly abandoned city – including sets originally built for Once Upon a Time In America – only to become prey for millions of flesh-hungry rats. This has been scanned in 4K from the original camera negative for the first time ever and has 3 hours of new and archival special features and a bonus CD of the recently discovered/remastered soundtrack, plus”Under The Black Sky” by Pornographie Exclusive, a Severin produced music video with Geretta Geretta.

There’s also a brand new novelization by Brad Carter, who worked with original screenwriters Claudio Fragasso and Rossella Drudi!

The sale will take place from 12:01am EST on 11/29 to 11:59pm PST on 12/2 at Severin’s site.

In the Christian year 2015, the insensitivity of man finally triumphs and hundreds of atomic bombs devastate all five continents. Terrified of the slaughter and destruction, the few survivors of the disaster seek refuge under the ground. From that moment begins the era that will come to be called “after the bomb” — the period of the second human race. A century later, several men, dissatisfied with the system imposed on them by the new humanity, choose to revolt and live on the surface of the Earth as their ancestors did. So, yet another race begins, that of the new primitives. The two communities have no contact for a long period. The humans still living below ground are sophisticated and despise the primitives, regarding them as savages. This story begins on the surface of the Earth in the year 225 A.B. (After the Bomb).”

Rats the Night of Terror begins with a punk gang investigating a mysterious town. Let’s meet the folks we’re going to spend the next 105 minutes with. Kurt and Taurus (Massimo Vanni, Warriors of the Wasteland) share the leadership responsibilities, but Duke really wants to take over. Then there’s Chocolate (Geretta Geretta from Demons), a poorly named black woman who gets flour all over herself and dances around while yelling, “I’m whiter than you!” Obviously Italian directors in 1984 were not yet “woke.” Lucifer and Lilith are, of course, a couple. At least she has plenty of fashion sense, traveling through the end of days wearing a cape and fedora. Noah is the resident genius, while Video is an expert at video games. Yep, that’s why they brought him along, despite the fact that there are no video games left. Deus has a shaved head with a strange symbol, is given to mystic rantings and has on one of The Warriors’ vests. Finally, we have Diana, who wears a studded headband and is the girlfriend of Barry Gibb lookalike Kurt, and Myrna, whose scream is ready to reduce your eardrums to quivering masses of cartilage.

Surprisingly, the gang finds plenty of food in this town. Of course, they also discover plenty of mutilated bodies and lots of rats. But at least the town looks nice, maybe because it’s the same set as Once Upon a Time in America.

Why aren’t the rats eating the food? Look, this was written and directed by Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso, so you better be ready to throw logic into the cold, dead void of space. What else can you expect from the team that brought you Zombie 3, The Other Hell and Robowar? And you may also know Fragasso from another film that makes perfect sense, Troll 2. Just like that film, which has nothing to do with the movie it succeeds, this was billed as the third part of Enzo G. Castellari’s Bronx Warriors series. Again — check logical storytelling at la porta.

Luckily for our heroes, they discover a hydroponic growing system that’s made the kindest bud ever known to man. Just kidding — the crops are fruit, vegetables and plants, along with purified water.

Night falls and everyone goes to sleep in the same room. Lilith and Lucifer have sex while everyone else either watches or performs their signature character move, such as polishing a guitar or meditating. Our young lovers get stuck in their sleeping bag while everyone laughs at them, using that hearty guffaw that only Italian dubbed voices can perform. Lilith ends up deciding not to have any more sex — her Southern accent is beyond reproach — and Lucifer stalks off, while she zips herself back into that troublesome sleeping bag.

That’s when our merry band discovers that while they may have dressed for a Road Warrior ripoff, they took a wrong turn at Barter Town and ended up in a slasher film.

Even after the bombs drop, you should know better than to have sex in one of these affairs. That means we can cross off our demonically named couple. He just falls into a hole of rats whereas she gets stuck in that cursed sleeping bag as rats climb in. When the rest of the crew discovers her, a rat climbs out from her mouth in a scene that’s sure to make you either laugh uncontrollably, puke out your last meal or some combination thereof.

I just had a flash — the way everyone is dressed in this film, including Kurt in his white shirt and red ascot, it’s as if the Scooby Gang tried to escape New York. The costumes in this film are fabulous! Good work, Elda Chinellato!

This film sets new standards for rats killing humans. How did they achieve such special effects? One assumes that someone was off camera, just tossing rodents at the unfortunate cast. Well, one doesn’t have to assume, because that’s pretty much exactly what happened, PETA be damned.

Meanwhile, Noah gets attacked by rats, so they decide to scare the rodents off with a flamethrower. Bad idea, unless you enjoy barbecuing your friends. Then, they discover that the rats have eaten their tires off of their motorcycles. How did they do such a thing? What do you mean they cut the power? How could they cut the power, man? They’re animals!

Myrna continues to scream at any and every opportunity while our heroes barricade themselves into the building and wonder, “Has there ever been worse dubbing in a film?” No, my friends. No, there has not. Instead of just asking you rhetorically to imagine the diseases a rat can give you, this film lists them at length.

Who is the biggest enemy? Duke or the rats? Well, Duke may be shooting at them with a machine gun, but he hasn’t eaten anyone from within yet. The good guys keep giving Duke chance after chance, even after he’s more than proved that he’s a ne’er do well. Eventually, he blows himself and Myrna up real good.

Diana just can’t take it any longer, so she slits her wrists. Then, Video learns that the building they’re hiding in was an experimental station for something called Return to Light. Not “Remain In Light.” That’s a Talking Heads record. Also, the rats are super intelligent and see this place as an affront. ”This is worse than being dead,” says Kurt, while he sashays in his little pirate costume.

Have you ever thought, “It must be really fun to be an actor?” Then you weren’t in this movie. For the entire running time, giant piles of rats are poured everywhere and anywhere and on just about everyone.

The rats finally try to break the door down to the control room and all hell breaks loose. Meanwhile, these guys in yellow hazmat suits and masks from The Crazies start walking through the streets.

Deus is killed by Myrna’s corpse and even Kurt is killed by a bunch of rats that fly at him from every angle. Video and Chocolate are then saved by the people in the hazmat suits, who have been gassing all of the rats.  

Here’s where Rats: The Night of Terror unveils its shock ending. The hazmat guys are the people from Delta 2. Chocolate then says to one of her rescuers, ““Once, someone told me they read in a book that we all lived on the Earth together, that we were all brothers. The book was called the Bible, and it said that God created man and animals.” The leader of the men takes off his mask and he’s no man at all — he’s a human rat!

It’s a twist ending that isn’t explained and doesn’t make any sense at all! It would be like Peyton Farquhar shat his pants at the end of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge instead of getting lynched!

Rats: The Night of Terror isn’t a good movie. But it’s a great movie. A movie that you can tell people about and they’ll say, “That’s not a real movie.” But it is. It totally is.

SEVERIN BOX SET RELEASE: All the Haunts Be Ours: A Compendium Of Folk Horror Vol. 2: Akelarre (1984)

Garazi (Sílvia Munt) is the granddaughter of a woman burned as a witch who finds herself battling the Catholic Church just like her ancestor. The name of this film means “witches’ sabbath” in English and this goes into the witch trials against women of San Juan de Araiz, which is part of Navarre in northern Spain.

This trial found 27 people arrested, with 11 women and two men accused of witchcraft. They were executed in the name of Catholicism with the rest later dying from their mistreatment. This Inquisition came from a church that was more about men and their desires than serving the Lord. That doesn’t sound like that history is repeating at all, does it?

Director Pedro Olea said of the actor who portrayed Acevedo, the lead Inquisitor, “What better inquisitor than López Vázquez? He accepted the role and turned it into another character that was amazing: a religious sadist, cruel and libidinous. Simply, his way of brushing Silvia Munt’s chest with his fingers when removing a medal, of directing another torture session with her naked and then flagellating himself in his cell, demonstrates a perfect interpretive treatment of the repression suffered by the sinister friar.”

This was filmed on location, using the caves of Zugarramurdi, which are known as the “Cathedral of the Devil.” This same area figures into the plot of La brujas de Zugarramurdi (Witching and Bitching).

Akelarre is part of the new Severin box set, All the Haunts Be Ours Volume 2. It has extras including interviews with director Pedro Olea and actors and Iñaki Miramón, as well as a featurette, Invoking The Akelarre, which has Dr. Antonio Lázaro-Reboll, author of Spanish Horror Film discussing the Basque Witch Trials.

You can order this set from Severin.

SEVERIN BOX SET RELEASE: All the Haunts Be Ours: A Compendium Of Folk Horror Vol. 2: The Enchanted (1984)

The Enchanted is a Florida regional film that mainly played the South but still found its way to the CBS Late Movie. It was self-released on DVD by its filmmakers but the first blu ray release is on the new Severin All the Haunts Be Ours Volume 2 box set.

This does have quite a budget for a regional film — supposedly over a million — and was made between 1979 and 1983. Why this was sold to TV and not to the video market — which was making big money at the time and was begging for product, much less horror and horror-adjacent product — is a mystery.

Booker T. Robertson (Julius Harris) and his dog Pete are walking the swamps of the Everglades when they come upon a trailer filled with people. Seeing as how Booker knows everyone, the idea that strangers are here is a bit frightening to him. On the way back home, he runs into the son of one of his dead friends, Royce Hagen (Will Sennett), who has decided to leave the world behind and move back home.

Royce is fixing up the family farm and has hired a family new to the area, the Perdys — Pa (John Hallock), Ma (Helen Blanton) and their children — who provide him with cheap labor as well as romance, as he’s fallen for their daughter Twyla (Cassey Blanton). Booker isn’t so sure about them, but his warnings go unheard.

That’s because Booker knows that in the woods there are two worlds, one for the living and the other for the dead, along with a “Hole In the Wall” where spirits can move back and forth. Once Twyla moves into Royce’s bed, Booker washes his hands of this.

The Perdys are all vegetarians and Twyla is quite strange. She’s somehow a virgin despite being past thirty, paints nature murals all day and is deathly afraid of cats. Meanwhile, as love blossoms, animals are being killed all over town by wolves.

Writer Elizabeth Coatsworth created the story this is based on, starting with The Enchanted: An Incredible Tale and telling the Perdy story across four books. The family feels vaguely hippy and by 1979 when this was made, hippy meant Manson Family. Who faints when they see a chicken being served for dinner? But the twist — given away super early — is pretty great and I love the issues that everyone talks about in reviews as downsides. I see them as upsides: amateur acting, long glimpses of nature and animals instead of storytelling, odd editing choices. Add in Phil Sawyer’s synth score and you get a singular movie that presents the unknown within the known, the mystery and magic of a part of America gone unexplored and often forgotten.

The Enchanted is part of the new Severin box set, All the Haunts Be Ours Volume 2. It has extras including audio commentary by director Carter Lord And camera assistant Richard Grange, moderated by filmmaker/author Kier-La Janisse as well as a second commentary with Chesya Burke, author Of Let’s Play White and Sheree Renée Thomas, author Of Nine Bar Blues; an interview with composer Phil Sawyer; chracter notes by screenwriter Charné Porter and a trailer.

You can order this set from Severin.

ARROW VIDEO BLU RAY RELEASE: The Nico Mastorakis Collection: The Time Traveler (1984)

Andrea (Adrienne Barbeau) is a widow whose husband was an astronaut. She’s come to Greece to raise her son Tim (Jeremy Licht). One day, walking the beach after a storm, they come across a man (Keir Dullea) in the surf. He doesn’t even remember who he is, so Andrea calls him Glenn. She begins to fall in love with him, while Tim sees him as a father figure. The island’s people seem to be weirded out by him, other than Dr. Barnaby (Peter Hobbs), who learns that he has two hearts. In time, Glenn tells him that if he ever had something like a father, he wished that it would be him.

Glenn ends up being Jesus — or the brother of Jesus — who has come here from the future. He has powers that we don’t and is able to see Tim get accidentally shoved off a cliff by a very cute dog in a scene that made my jaw drop. Glenn is able to bring him back to life, but when he’s unable to do the same for other kids, the village turns against him. Also: Why would Andrea give weed to a man she thinks is a murderer at worst and an amnesiac at best?

Dullea is really great in this, as he plays the confusion perfectly. It’s wild to see director and writer Nico Mastorakis tackle such a serious subject, nearly making both a Jesus Christ and superhero movie at the same time. If Jesus came back in time to Earth, I imagine that it would be only right if he got to sleep with Adrienne Barbeau.

This is part of Arrow Video’s The Nico Mastorakis Collection and has an interview with Dan Hirsch looking back on his role in the film and a trailer as extra features.

This set is available from MVD.

Les trottoirs de Bangkok (1984)

The Streets of Bangkok is based on the Boris Karloff film The Mask of Fu Manchu and it finds Jean Rollin not on a beach or a falling to pieces mansion with vampires living inside clocks, but instead a comic book mystery. Don’t worry. He didn’t forget to have naked women in it.

Secret agent Rick (Gérard Landry) is killed looking for a biological weapon. The photos on his camera are of a sex worker named Eva (Yoko) who is now wanted by the spies and the syndicate. The syndicate! What is this, a Doris Wishman movie? Rita (Brigitte Borghese) and her two female hitwomen are everywhere looking for our heroine.

Eva is rescued by Claudine (Françoise Blanchard, The Living Dead Girl), but they’re soon in the clutches of the syndicate and Eva gets chained up and whipped because Eurosleaze. There’s also a lot of scenes of Eva dancing — Yoko only did two other films, both adult movies but at least one was a James Bond parody, James Bande 00Sex 2 (thanks Gentry on Letterboxd) — but she’s good in this and, as you’d expect from a Rollin movie, inordinately attractive.

This has the biggest mud wrestling arena I’ve ever seen, Françoise Blanchard rocking a mullet and an ending that has the good guy prove he’s not so good and Eva shooting him with tears pouring down her face. And people tied to the train tracks and endless massage scenes!

You might be bored by this. As for me, I found the joy that is the weird timing of a Rollin movie, just endlessly hanging out near the infinite void as he makes a Jess Franco movie, pretty much.

2024 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 31: The Toxic Avenger (1984)

31. “I’LL BE BACK”: We hope you had a good time with our little Challenge. Conclude your journey by watching one with a catchphrase you find yourself repeating in the real world.

I say some dumb lines from movies all the time, movies that no one remembers, like when I go in a store I say, “I’ll be in and out like a duck mating,” which comes from Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, a movie that no one cares about but me.

Unlike “I’ll be back” or “I’m getting too old for this shit,” the catchphrase that I always say is from this movie, as Julie tries to get janitor Melvin Ferd Junko III  into the hot tub, she purrs, “It’s time to do it.” Melvin replies, “Do what?” And she stares at him and says, “Do it, Melvin. Do it!” It made me laugh so hard when I was a kid — much like the other line I often say from this, “I’ve never done me no blind bitch before!” — but when do you use these catchphrases in polite conversation?

I love The Toxic Avenger in the same way that I hate Troma, because I championed this film and rented it so many times and told so many people about it and Troma never did anything this good ever again. Not even close. The sequel is fine and yeah, I bought the toys and watched the cartoon, but I’m still angry and let down almost forty years later by how bad everything was after this and what an annoying person that Lloyd Kaufman has become.

Side note: A lot of people call him Uncle Lloyd and I am here to tell you that I hate anyone who gets a fake uncle name because generally they are horrible people. To wit:

Uncle Stan Lee: A man who made his fortune on the backs of hard working men like Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby, who never got royalties or a job for life or got to be in Marvel movies, having to have their families — in Kirby’s case — fight for credit or be like Ditko and just do advertising work and hide in the middle of New York City. Kaufman is a similar loud braggart who had one major success and we’ve had him hanging around like the turd that won’t flush ever since.

Uncle Forry Forest J, Ackerman: I grew up late to the monster kid world, but there are people who worship this man and sorry to tell you, he’s been accused of sexual harassment and outright abuse by so many women that you have to believe it. And even if you don’t, explain An Illustrated History of Heidi Saha, a Warren special that has photos of a prepubescent girl dressed as a jungle girl and Vampirella, as well as the poster Warren sold, that had notorious sexual predator Isaac Asimov say, “An absolute delight! I love her!” This girl does not look like a woman at all. In this book, Forrest said of this at the time 13-year-old girl, “In the so-called real world, among the beasts of science fiction and Comicdom…there now walks a great beauty.  The young Goddess known as Heidi: supple, blonde reed of womanhood, bending in the wind of the sighs of her would-be wooers, her stricken swains.  Heidi the delightful, the full-of-life dweller on the pink cloud of fantasy and wonder.  Heidi — unbelievably refreshing, soft and shy, wildly exciting — Heidi — a poetic blend of fantasy and wondrous reality.”

I refuse to call Jess Franco Uncle Jess, but he never took that name himself as far as I know.

But regardless, people that want to be called Uncle are all creeps. It’s even worse that they preyed on geek culture fans, which all generally people like Melvin in this movie, lost and looking for acceptance. Instead, they get treated as objects.

As for Lloyd Kaufman, he has written in his book Make Your Own Damn Movie! not to audition women alone or else you’ll get accused of sexual harassment, then also talks about making women disrobe during auditions.

Man, did I digress.

Anyways, this movie is great, has ridiculous gore and great dialogue, all while not being all that different from a comic book origin of a man going from geek to superhero. It moves quick, makes you giggle and seems like it’s the first of many big ideas but the well was sadly dry. And yet people are convinced that Troma films are amazing.

This goes for it, like having a dog get shot, a kid getting his head crushed and lines like, “No tickee, no washy,” which seems edgy, but after years of Troma movies aren’t shocking for the sake of shock but instead feel like casual racism. There’s no message behind it all, just more outrage. Which is fine, I guess, but then I read about Troma being iconic.

That said, I will defend Filmirage and much more reprehensible studios. I guess I’m a jerk.

I wish I could be fourteen year old me again, obsessed over this film and showing it to anyone who would watch it. I wish I wasn’t so cynical. But the world will sometimes open your eyes, you know?

Anyway.

Do it. Do it Melvin.

You can watch this on Tubi.

2024 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 29: Johnny Dangerously (1984)

29. RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB: An antagonist is only as good as his implements.

Directed by Amy Heckerling (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) and written by Bernie Kukoff, Jeff Harris (Kukoff and Harris created Diff’rent Strokes), Harry Colomby and Norman Steinberg, this felt like a movie I watched on cable so many times as a pre-teen and yet feels lost today. Maybe it’s because we live in a world where 1930s gangster movies being spoofed isn’t interesting. Maybe we’d like to forget that Joe Piscopo was actually a big deal at one point. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I still love it.

Johnny Kelly (Michael Keaton) is a newsboy in New York City, trying to help his mother (Maureen Stapleton) pay for one of her many operations. His father was a crook and got executed, so she tries to keep him from a life of crime. It worked with his brother Tommy (Griffin Dunne), who becomes a cop, but crime boss Jocko Dundee (Peter Boyle) is so impressed by a street fight that Johnny has with Danny Vermin (Piscopo) that he hires him to rob the nightclub of Roman Troy Moronie (Richard Dimitri). When Jocko asks what his name is, Johnny takes the last name Dangerously.

Ma and Tommy never know that Johnny is supporting their lives through crime, while he attempts to get along with Vermin, who has joined the gang. Johnny even gets the two warring gangs to make a treaty and works to get his brother a job with the D.A. (Danny DeVito). Yet Vermin learns that Johnny’s brother is a cop and sets up our hero, killing Burr and getting the evidence to his brother.

Man, there’s so much I’m missing, like Johnny being in love with showgirl Lil Sheridan (Marilu Henner), Joe Flaherty being a death row inmate, Alan Hale Jr. as a cop, Johnny showing his brother a VD film that’s a movie within the movie and the whole story inside teh story that has Johnny retired — maybe not — and running a pet shop.

But the best part of this movie, and the line that I always think of, is when Vermin pulls out his .88 Magnum and says, “It shoots through schools.”

Don’t let Johnny Dangerously be forgotten. It’s way smarter than it should be and just nonstop fun.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2024: Purana Mandir (1984)

Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which is working to save the lives of cats and dogs all across America, giving pets second chances and happy homes.

Today’s theme: Unsung Horrors Rule (708 watched on Letterboxd)

The Ramsay Brothers — there are seven, this is by director Tulsi and writer Shyam — made Indian’s first horror TV show, Zee Horror Show, as well as movies including MahakaalBandh Darwaza and Veerana.

Hundreds of years ago, the procession of Raja Harimaan Singh is stranded near the Black Mountain, leaving him concerned that his daughter Princess Rupali has been taken by devil worshipper Samri. He arrives just in time to save her, as he starts to take her soul, turning her eyes white and then red. The Raja orders him to be beheaded, but before he dies, he says, “So long as my head is away from my body, every woman in your line shall die at childbirth; and when my head is rejoined to my body, I will arise and wipe out every living person in your dynasty.”

Thakur Ranvir Singh, the great-great-grandson of the Raja, knows of this curse, as his wife died giving birth to his daughter Suman, who he is angry with, as she dates a non-royal college boy, Sanjay. Her father reveals the curse to them yet they stay together.

They then take a vacation with Anand and his wife Sapna where they find a painting of the evil Samri. Behind this painting is the head of the Satanist, which is soon joined back to his body, bringing him back to murderous life.

Thakur comes to the rescue and he performs an aarti, a prayer with rhythmic waving of a lamp to create a spiritual connection between the worshiper and the divine, to Lord Shiva. Using a trishul, the trident of Shiva, they defeat the monster and burn him alive, which finally allows our hero and heroine to be married. Then again, Samri returned in the movie Samri 3D in 1985. This also stars Anirrudh Agarwal as the demon, a man who basically walked into the Ramsay’s office and they jumped up and down, as they had spent months trying to find the perfect monster.

The music in this was inspired by The Amityville Horror. It’s the same theme used on the Zee Horror Show.

You can watch this on YouTube.