EDITOR’S NOTE: The Awakening was on USA Up All Night on June 30, 1990.
Based on Bram Stoker’s The Jewel of Seven Stars — which was also filmed as an episode of Mystery and Imagination as “The Curse of the Mummy,” Hammer’s Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb and the 90s movie Bram Stoker’s The Mummy — this movie places Matthew Corbeck (Charlton Heston), his pregnant wife Anne (Jill Townsend) and his assistant Jane Turner (Susannah York) in Egypt searching for the tomb of Queen Kara. One could argue that the most exploring Matthew is doing is between the thighs of Jane, but there you go.
When you see a sign that says “Do Not Approach the Nameless One Lest Your Soul Be Withered,” you may want to turn back. Nope, Matthew goes in hard — again, much like with his assistant — while his wife goes into labor. She’s dropped off at a hospital so he can get back to digging, and their stillborn child comes back to life once he unearths and opens a sarcophagus.
Eighteen years later and that daughter, Margaret (Stephanie Zimbalist) is looking for her father, who is now married to Jane and still obsessed with the mummy that he found. It’s being destroyed by bacteria, so he gets it sent to England so that he can save it. Of course, the mummy queen wants to be reincarnated inside his daughter, who starts to believe that she really is Queen Kara.
Directed by Mike Newell (who went on to direct Four Weddings and a Funeral and Donnie Brasco) and written by Clive Exton, Chris Bryant and Allan Scott, The Awakening is a big dumb mess. It was recut by Monte Hellman after Newell lost final cut. The best thing I can say is that this was shot in Egypt with actual locations.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Snowballingwas on USA Up All Night on June 7 and 8, 1991 and January 17 and August 8, 1992.
Snowballing may seem like a teen sex comedy — a Lemon Popsicle, if you will — but instead of being like Hot Dog…The Movie or Ski School, this feels closer to an American-International beach comedy than a sex hijinks movie.
It was directed by Charles E. Sellier Jr., the same man who made Silent Night, Deadly Night. More importantly, he was best known for creating the American book and television series The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams and founding Sunn Classic with Rayland Jensen and Patrick Frawley. You might expect that this would mean that this movie would have more ribald elements. Nope.
Filmed in Park City, Utah, this sat on the shelf for four years before the VHS boom demanded a supply to meet the demand for video rentals. This also had a variety of titles, including Smooth Moves, Snow Job and, perhaps most generically, Winter Vacation.
The owner of the ski resort, Tolson (Bob Hastings, the animated voice of Commissioner Gordon), and Sheriff Gilliam (Bill Zuckert) have been scamming young skiers for years, overcharging them for their rooms for the big downhill race.
Andy (P. R. Paul, Neon Maniacs), Dan (Michael Sharrett, Deadly Friend) and Al (Steven Tash, the guy who can’t get the ESP quiz right from Bill Murray in Ghostbusters) are three of those young athletes, trying to pick up the ladies like Karen (Mary Beth McDonough, Mortuary), Cheryl (Jill Carroll, Psycho II), Bonnie (Bonnie Hellman, a hitchhiker in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter) and Cheryl (Tara Buckman, the main reason I watched this). Trying to keep them out of trouble is their teacher, Roy Balaban, played by Alan Sues, who you may remember from Laugh-In. He plays a mincing character, but at least there’s one funny part where he puts on an Indiana Jones hat and is chased by a giant snowball.
This had three writers — David O’Malley and Thomas C. Chapman, who also worked on the Sunn-adjacent Hangar 18 and The Boogens, and Norman Hudis, who may have written plenty of cartoons and TV shows, but had the experience of writing Hot Resort, which probably helped here. He also wrote several of the Carry On movies, in case you wonder about the sense of humor in this film.
Sept 1-7 John Waters Best of the Year Week: To be fair, these movies aren’t ALL funny, but JOHN WATERS is funny. He’s become more of a writer and public commentator these days. Still, he helps keep the arthouse from taking itself too seriously with his annual top-ten lists, while celebrating the comically serious.
Ari Aster made two movies that generated a lot of hype: Hereditary and Midsommar. Like the two films I mentioned above, Beau Is Afraid is very much a movie being made by a creative who has that rare moment of being able to get anything they want and going wild.
Beau Wassermann (Joaquin Phoenix) hasn’t had the best of lives. His father died while making love to his mother (Patti LuPone), and he’s waited his whole life for Elaine (Parker Posey), whom he met once on a cruise ship. Now, he’s trapped in a crime-filled city, shoved out of his apartment, hit by a truck and stabbed by a serial killer. He’s saved by Grace (Amy Ryan) and Roger (Nathan Lane), but things fall to pieces, as they do throughout, as their daughter Toni (Kylie Rogers) tries to get him to drink paint, angry that he’s replaced her dead brother. She dies instead, and her mother sends a vet, Jeeves (Denis Ménochet), after him. Roger had promised to take Beau to his mom’s funeral, but now who knows? As it is, he’s lost in the woods, watching a play by The Orphans of the Forest, which he takes on as part of his real life; then Jeeves shows up and kills everyone.
He finally makes it home and gets to make love to Elaine, who dies, and then his mother appears, taking him to an attic filled with his twin brother and his father, a penis monster who kills Jeeves. Yes, I just wrote that. Beau tries to escape, and he finds out that he’s on trial. His mother has records of every visit to his therapist (Richard Cohen), and no matter how much he defends himself, his mother refuses to listen. His boat exploded, and he decided to give in, drowning. The end, as the audience leaves.
What does it mean? Aster and cinematographer Pawel Pogorzelski said that Jacques Tati’s Playtime, Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window and Albert Brooks’ Defending Your Life were all films that influenced this. There’s also a realization that Mona has controlled Beau’s life all along, and everyone, even Emily, was all his employees, paid enough for their family for years to be happy as long as they were in his life. It also feels like a piss take on the audience, who are expecting a great adventure and are given strange journeys through someone’s life that go nowhere.
Is it about anything? Does it have to be about anything in particular? Maybe it’s about ambition and what you can do when you can do just about any movie you want. It speaks to a big vision, so much grander than his past films, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
John Waters said, “A superlong, super-crazy, super-funny movie about one man’s mental breakdown with a cast better than Around the World in 80 Days’: Joaquin Phoenix, Patti LuPone, Parker Posey, Nathan Lane, and Amy Ryan. It’s a laugh-riot from hell you’ll never forget, even if you want to.”
Here’s a double-feature review of two genre-film–adjacent short films screening at this year’s Toronto International Film Festival.
Ripe (Chín; Canada/Vietnam, 2025)
Official synopsis: A young woman must decide if she will enter into an arranged marriage in order to support her family of durian farmers — all while the land and the spirit realm weave a mysterious influence over her choice.
Writer/director Solara Thanh Bình Đặng blends superstition, economic realities, the possibility of romance, and a touch of the supernatural in her gothic-flavored short Ripe. The film has an aura rooted in both waking life and dreaminess, with a gorgeous retro-feel color palette beautifully captured by Cinematographer Chananun Chotrungroj. Hayley Ngọc Mai does wonderful work leading a solid ensemble cast. Đặng weaves a lyrical spell with Ripe and invests her short film with plenty of food for thought for viewers.
Screenshot
Marriaginalia (Canada, 2025):
Official synopsis: Marriaginalia is a surreal portrait of married life told across a day in three parts. A couple navigates life’s smaller ruptures — the world distorts, the body surprises — but their bond holds, serene and slightly off-kilter.
Described in press materials as a “grotesque comedic short,” you won’t get any argument from me about that description for writer/director Hannah Cheesman’s Marriaginalia. Kayla Lorette and Rodrigo Fernandez-Stoll do an amusing job portraying a married couple having a highly unusual day, to say the least. Boasting body horror gags — the initial one will surely have some viewers’ stomachs churning — and some humorous wordplay, the three-and-a-half minute short boggles the mind as it elicits laughs.
Ripe and Marriaginaliascreen as part of Toronto International Film Festival 2025, which takes place from August 5–14.
The new Toxic Avenger remake/reboot isn’t just a good Troma movie within the Troma universe. It’s a good movie in any universe. Fans of films like Evil Dead 2 and Dead Alive who have never seen a single Troma movie, let alone the original Toxie, can and will enjoy this film.
While the hype generated from an unrated release after sitting on the shelf for 2 years piqued my interest, it was the casting of Peter Dinklage that intrigued me the most going into this movie. He’s one of those great actors with an expressive face who can evoke an emotional response for an audience using only his eyebrows. A solid character actor in the vein of Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee who improved any project they appeared in. With the addition of Kevin Bacon, Elijah Wood and Taylor Paige, we’ve got a solid, reliable troop of actors here who approach the material with a sincerity that brings heart to an otherwise the insanely-whacky-in-a-good-way script.
The plot is updated for modern audiences, removing nerdy Melvin and replacing him with our hero, Winston Gooze. A janitor barely getting by as a single father raising his stepson, Wade. Winston, who recently lost his wife to cancer, works for the evil giant health product company BTH, owned by mob-financed megalomaniac CEO Bob Garbinger (Kevin Bacon). Winston and Wade live in St. Roma, a real shithole of a working-class town. A town where vets hold little old ladies’ cats hostage for their astronomical fees and BTH employees get the runaround from their insurance company.
Meanwhile, across town, J.J. and her partner steal BTH data with the intention of exposing BTH as the hucksters they are and tank their stock price. Winston and J.J. cross paths when Winston, now desperate for money to pay for his own recently diagnosed cancer treatment, attempts to steal money from the BTH vault.
A chase ensues, Winston is taken out by The Killer Nutz – a monster core band of BTH henchmen – and our new Toxic Avenger is born.
From this point forward in the film, the actor in the suit is Lisa G, who does a fine job with the physical elements of the role, while Dinklage lends his voice for the remainder of the picture’s running time. And what a wonderful time it is! Once Winston is Toxie, we get fights, mutations, rogue police officers firing into the air for no reason, declaring, “Fuck it. It’s a mob!”
We get Toxie interrupting a Killer Nutz performance in a park by singing Motorhead’s “Overkill”(a highlight for anyone who knows of the years-long friendship between Lemmy and Lloyd Kaufman).
The fight choreography is wonderfully over-the-top. Like a Merrie Melodies cartoon on drugs. While the costumes are mostly practical, the gore effects are largely rendered using CGI rather than old-school Karo syrup and silicone. I am at a loss as to how this film was denied an R rating, as AMC’s Walking Dead was more violent and nasty in tone than anything here. Could it be Toxie’s mutant penis? Big deal.
With a budget that likely cost one day of the catering on any Marvel or DC film, the CGI effects in this movie manage to feel more real than the scene in the latest Superman installment (a film I enjoyed) where he spins around and kills 25 bad guys with his heat vision all in one go. That scene felt overblown. When Winston swipes off someone’s head with his trusty toxic mop, the consequences are clear. Don’t fuck with this new Toxie.
This movie is likely to find a larger audience once it becomes available on all streaming platforms. I will be watching it again, not only because Cineverse is using the proceeds to pay off medical debt for people like Winston in the U.S., but because there were so many Troma Easter eggs (New Chem High) and off-screen dialogue gags that utilize the surround sound experience, that I missed a few laughing over them.
Many of the gags are topical, despite the film being completed in 2023. I especially enjoyed the scene where disgruntled thugs take over a burger place – angry over a logo change – the same week half of America lost their collective mind over Cracker Barrel doing the same.
For the big finale, Bob kidnaps Toxie and JJ. His “scientists” harvest Toxie’s blood, with the intention of recouping their profits by selling it as his latest “healthy” drink. When Bob’s mob backers show up to collect on his debt, Bob drinks the new concoction. His body rejects the serum, transforming him into a goat-like, clawed creature, along with his zombie-like personal assistant, Kissy, who gulps down the last few drops to join him.
I hated Bob’s assistant, Kissy, the most of any character in the movie. Because I’ve met her in real life. Multiple times in many places. A sycophant of the highest order just waiting for the CEO to fuck her into relevancy and a mansion. I’ve met Bob, too. We’ve all met him. We see him every day in the news and on TV. He has different names and peddles different products, but we know him. We know Winston and Wade, too. People suffering loss, trying to get by as best they can in a shit world created and run by Bobs and their bitch assistants.
I cared about Winston and Wade and their struggles to just get through each fucking day at work and school, feeling alone with no money. The fact that they go back to their regular lives at the end is bittersweet. Being the Toxic Avenger doesn’t make Winston any richer, although it does cure his brain cancer. The post-credits scene with Toxie showing the audience how to make cheap, tasty grilled-cheese sandwiches using white bread was a highlight. He might be a green mutant, but he’s still a good dad. Winston Gooze is the hero we need now because our world sucks, too. We all live in St. Roma. And “Sometimes, you gotta do something.” Even if that something is simply going to see a movie that makes you forget your problems for 90 minutes and laugh, as this one does.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Far Out Man was on USA Up All Night on September 3, 1993.
A hippie, the Far Out Man (Tommy Chong, who also directed and wrote this film), goes on a road trip with his son, Kyle (Paris Chong, Tommy’s son), to see America. This is a vanity project to the point that Chong also has his daughter, Raw Dawn, play herself, his wife, Shelby, play his ex, Tree, his daughter, Robbi, is a dancer, and even his former brother-in-law, Flloyd Sneed, shows up as a drummer. Cheech Marin plays himself, hidden in the back of Far Out Man’s vehicle. It wasn’t always that way — Chong replaced William Lustig as director, and I want to know that story.
Labelled “A Tommy Chong Attempt,” this has plenty of people playing themselves, like Judd Nelson and C. Thomas Howell — married at the time to Raw Dawn — who at one point yells at a cop, “Hey, don’t you know who I am? I’m C. Thomas Howell! I was the black dude in Soul Man!”
Plus, you get Martin Mull as the therapist, Dr. Liddledick, Michael Winslow as a cop, Paul Bartell as the high school principal, Weebee Cool, and a band made up of Don Dokken from Dokken, John Norum from Europe, and Paul Monroe from XYZ. Reynaldo Rey plays their manager, who gets high on over-the-counter aspirin smashed up and overdoses, then is brought back to life by the guitar of Fthe ar Out Man.
Between that scene and C. Thomas Howell and Judd Nelson are trying to remember who they are, which made me laugh. It’s in no way as good as Chong’s earlier films, but even a lesser Chong movie can still be funny.
The ninth Conjuring movie and the end of the series — after The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It — takes another real-life event, the haunting of the Smurl family of West Pittston, PA, and brings it into the universe of these films.
The Smurls believed that a demon was bothering their home, causing loud sounds, foul smells, throwing their dog into a wall (this happens in the movie, and, as always, when a horror movie attacks a dog, it’s cheap heat), and physically and sexually attacking nearly everyone. By 1986, Ed and Lorraine Warren came a calling, as was their wont, finding a dark mass in the home.
According to Wikipedia, Professor Paul Kurtz of State University of New York at Buffalo and then-chairman of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, when consulted, claimed that the Warrens “weren’t objective, independent, or impartial investigators and characterized the Smurls’ claims as a hoax, a charade, a ghost story. Kurtz said that the family’s claims were possibly due to delusions, hallucinations or brain impairment, and advised that they submit themselves to psychiatric and psychological examinations.”
Later, it was reported that Jack had surgery to remove water from his brain in 1983 due to a case of meningitis in his youth.
Along with the Warrens and newspaper writer Robert Curran, they wrote a book titled The Haunted, which was adapted into the 1991 TV movie of the same name.
But hey, let’s talk about this movie.
Somehow, this works the Smurl story into a never-told Ed and Lorraine (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) piece of lore. In 1964, an evil mirror almost killed them and caused the stillbirth of their daughter Judy, who came back to life, which was a miracle. Fast forward and Judy (Mia Tomlinson) is getting ready to get married to Tony Spera (Ben Hardy), Ed has heart issues and Lorraine doesn’t want them to do their job any longer.
It takes the death of Father Gordon (Steve Soulter) and their daughter going to the home of the Smurls — Jack (Elliot Cowan), Janet (Rebecca Calder), Heather (Kíla Lord Cassidy), Shannon (Molly Cartwright), Dawn (Beau Gadsdon), Carin (Tilly Walker), grandma (Kate Fahy) and grandpa (Peter Wight) — to bring them into the story. That said, the demon that has come into the house via a haunted mirror (is this Mirror, Mirror 5?) and has made teenage girls throw up blood really wants Judy.
Also: This triggered me because I have moved many large and heavy objects like that mirror and nearly dropped it onto people’s feet. It made my back hurt watching this.
Director Michael Chaves has been in charge of this series since The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It, as he also directed The Nun II. The first two movies in this series are exceptionally well-made because James Wan knew what he was doing. The art direction was great and new characters like Annabelle — who appears in this for no apparent reason, multiple times, other than for fan service — could have been spun off. Here we are with a creaky, way too long film that seemingly never knows when to end. I mean, at 2 hours and 15 minutes, it takes forever to get to the haunting parts, and those just end up being expected. It’s a slow decline to what started off so string.
Speaking of fan service, at the wedding of Judy and Tony, you can see Carolyn and Cindy Perron (Lili Taylor and Mackenzie Foy) from The Conjuring, Peggy and Janet Hodgson (Frances O’Connor) from The Conjuring 2and David Glatzel (Julian Hilliard) from The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It. James Wan is also there; earlier, you can see the honest Judy and Tony at Ed’s birthday party.
A Judy and Tony spinoff feels like it’s definite. Maybe real life will kill more people so we get new stories, because comedian Matt Rife and YouTube personality Elton Castee bought the Warren estate and will be the legal guardians of all the artifacts until at least 2030. Rife claims that people will be able to spend the night in their museum. This came quickly after a tour with Annabelle led to the death of its handler, Dan Rivera. Maybe we shouldn’t mess with demons. Did we learn nothing from these movies?
This doesn’t mention the negative side of the Warrens — like Judith Penney, who lived in the house for years as Ed’s lover — other than to say that the Warrens were controversial.
As a professional wrestler, I was taught to always have my gear with me at all times, because you never know when you may need to wrestle. When the Warrens arrive at the Smurl house, and they’re not even supposed to be there, Ed goes into the trunk and he has his bag packed, just in case. What a worker. Every wrestler and conman (the same thing) can learn that from this movie.
Sometimes, the familiar is a warm blanket feeling. But here, it feels like old sweatpants covered with stains. They feel OK, but you feel like a moron wearing them. I went into this expecting nothing and as a famous mad scientist once said, I received it in abundance.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me was on USA Up All Night on May 111, 1996 and January 31, 1997.
Directed and written by Joel Hershman, this begins with Eli (Max Parrish) taking a shotgun wedding literally when he accidentally shoots his wealthy fiancée, Twinkle (Sean Young) and runs to a trailer park, where he hides out. At the same time, Mr. Jones (Timothy Leary) gives him a new ID.
Everybody wants him for something: Lucille (Diane Ladd) and her mother (Mary Bernadette Ladner, Ladd’s real life mom) want his body; Sabra (Andrea Naschak, who is adult star April Rayne) collects men like Barbie dolls and has a virginal sister named Diana (Adrienne Shelly) and Olga (Ania Suli) is an actress with a son named Lazlo (Bella Lehcozky) who seemingly just need to make him crazy. Eli becomes Ben and ends up in bed with Sabra, but of course, he just wants her sister.
Sean Young worked in props on this, bringing a lot of items to the set. That alone is interesting, as is how much this wants to be a John Waters film. It also has a substantial music budget, featuring songs by The Cramps, King Missile, the Violent Femmes, and the Pixies throughout.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Jurassic Women was on USA Up All Night on December 7, 1996, August 9, 1997 and February 6, 1998.
A meteor shower causes a spacecraft to crash-land on a planet inhabited by cavemen and gorgeous women, who have been at war for centuries. Captain David Clayton (James Phillips) and Dr. Cody Sinclair (Jonathan Vakeen) are the humans from our time who get captured by the men and saved by the women, but the captain goes all incel because none of the women want him.
This has a jurassic name but no dinosaurs. It does have Jan-Michael Vincent,
Director John Pieplow also made the Dee Snider movie Strangeland. He wrote this with David Heavener. There’s all the potential in the world for this movie and it somehow doesn’t live up to any of it.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Backfire was on USA Up All Night on November 10, 1995, July 20, 1996 and February 21, 1997.
In a city where firefighters are traditionally women, Jeremy Jackson (Josh Mosby) tries to follow in the steps of his mother (Edie Falco!) and sister (Mary McCormack, Howard Stern’s movie wife), who are firefighting heroes. Yet at the same time that he starts, toilets start to explode all over the city.
This film parodies Backdraft with elements of Falling Down, Cliffhanger, and Aladdin, as well as MST3K-style shadows that appear to comment on the movie at one point. The cast is something I would have picked: Telly Savalas as the bad guy in his last film, Kathy Ireland as a firefighter, and Shelley Winters as an older firefighter, Lt. Shithouse and Robert Mitchum as Marshal Marc Marshall. I almost forgot to mention that Kristen Johnston is in it.
Filemed back-to-back with Cyber Vengeance, this was nearly a sequel to another film written by J. Chris Ingvordsen, Firehouse. It was directed by A. Dean Bell. There’s a scene where a Middle Eastern terrorist asks someone for directions to the World Trade Center in this. That would be offensive in 1995, when two years ago the building was bombed, but outrageous after 9/11. Even weirder, the tagline is “A bonfire of the insanities,” which references a movie that people who would watch this would never see.
I wish this had the budget for the KISS song “Firehouse,” which is when Gene breathes fire and features the lyrics, “She’ll adore you and she’ll floor you / With her wisdom and her vision / And you’ll love it and think of it / Till you lose all intuition, c’mon.” It may be too intelligent for this movie, which somehow gathered great talents and made something beneath them.
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