SCREAMFEST LA: Somewhere Quiet (2023)

Screamfest Horror Film Festival stands as a cornerstone of the horror genre, boasting the largest and longest-running festival of its kind in the United States. You can learn more about this year’s festival by checking out the official siteSomewhere Quiet plays on Wednesday, October 18. 

Meg (Jennifer Kim) is trying to find a new normal after being part of a brutal kidnapping that she barely escaped. One way that she’s achieving self-care is to take a trip to Cape Codd with her husband Scott (Kentucker Audley). His family has a huge countryside compound that will give her the peace that she needs until his cousin Madeline (Marin Ireland) shows up. Her snobbery unleashes nightmares in Meg as she starts to deal with what she’s live through as well as the truth behind why she was abducted.

Meg and Scott’s relationship begins to unravel as an old woman shows up in the woods and Meg begins to feel that Madeline and her husband are keeping secrets from her. Of course there’s a much darker story behind all of this, as you just knew there was.

Director and writer Olivia West Lloyd has put together a movie that slowly makes you wonder who is right, why Meg has gone through all of this and whether anyone can be trusted. I always wanted to see a movie where a Final Girl tries to deal with the PTSD that had to come from dealing with a horrific situation. This does that but puts her into an even worse one.

Tales from the Crypt S1 E3: Dig That Cat… He’s Real Gone (1989)

“Good evening, fiend fans, and welcome to my crawly crypt. This little drama is about one of life’s unexpected pleasures: dying, that is. Most of us only get to do it once, and it’s all over before you can really enjoy it. But one man did get to die again. And he liked it so much, he started doing it for a living. This is the story of Ulric the Undying, a sideshow performer who found death not only fun, but profitable. In fact, he’s dying to put on a show for you… right now!”

Originally appearing in Haunt of Fear #21 in a story written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Jack Davis, this is the tale of Ulric the Undying (Joe Pantoliano), who has been given the nine lives of a cat by Dr. Emil Manfred (Gustav Vintas). Or eight, as the cat had to die to get its gland.

Working in a sideshow, Ulric dies for money over and over, assisted by a barker (Robert Wuhl) and Coralee (Kathleen York). He’s not to be trusted, as he kills Manfred and instead of being about research, these shows are now just for cash. Money that Coralee steals after stabbing him, but he has a few lives left. How many? You’ll find out soon.

Directed by Richard Donner and written by Terry Black and Steven Dodd, the show creator, this is an episode in my head when I think of this show. It gets everything that makes it work — bad behavior is rewarded with a horrible ending for the villain — and is pretty funny, too.

CHILLER THEATER MONTH: King Kong Escapes (1967)

EDITOR’S NOTE: King Kong Escapes was on Chiller Theater on Saturday, October 17, 1973 at 11:30 p.m. It also aired on November 9, 1974; July 10, 1976; July 30, 1977 and September 2, 1978. 

After 1962’s Godzilla vs. King Kong, Japan had not had enough of the big ape. After all, Kong was the first beast to both defeat and not be killed by Godzilla. Four years later, Toho paired up with Rankin/Bass, the creators of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and The King Kong Show, a cartoon where Kong battled aliens, monsters and mad scientists. Interestingly, the designs for that show were by Jack Davis of EC comics fame. The show was the first cartoon produced in Japan for American audiences and was so successful, Rankin-Bass partnered with Toho for a first film called Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (or Ebirah, Horror of the Deep which is a much better title). Rankin-Bass rejected this movie as a starring role for Kong, but a lot of moments throughout point that the script was barely changed when Godzilla entered the picture. He’s revived by lightning (Japanese Kong, for some reason, gets power from the cloud…err, clouds) and the big lizard is in love with female character Dayo, which is also a Kong trait.

Finally, Rankin-Bass consented to this film, featuring Dr. No. No, not the Bond villain, but a character from the cartoon, here played by Hideyo “Eisei” Amamoto, who you may know as Dr. Shinigami/Deathgod from Kamen Rider. His voice is from Paul Frees, who listeners will recognize from many a Rankin/Bass holiday special. Interestingly enough, the German distributor of Toho’s movies often used Dr. Frankenstein’s name to sell these new monsters, claiming that he was creating all of them. So in Deutschland, the doctor goes by Dr. Frankenstein to try and tie all of these together. What does this have to do with the Frankenstein monster in Frankenstein vs. Baragon and his spawn in War of the Gargantuas? Absolutely nothing, thanks for asking!

Dr. Who’s boss is Madame Piranha, who works for an undisclosed country that wants weapons. She’s played by Mie Hama, who would go on to play Kissy Suzuki in You Only Live Twice (1967). Dr. No has invented a mechanical Kong that malfunctions just before getting that oh-so elusive Element X.  Instead of rebuilding the robobeast, No decides he needs the real Kong. Again, you may ask why. You are permitted after all. However, I have no answer for you. These things just happen in these films and you shouldn’t be watching a kaiju movie if you’re looking for logic, dear reader.

Meanwhile, Carl Nelson — our hero — and his sub get to Mondo Island, where Kong lives. Almost instantly, Kong falls in love with Fay Wray analog Lt. Susan Watson and prepares to fight Gorosaurus (who shows up again in the greatest of all Toho movies, 1968’s Destroy All Monsters!). For some reason, this beast fights like a kangaroo, but Kong gives him a headlock takeover and demonstrates a kaiju form of MMA ground and pound, punching the rubbery dino again and again until a giant mutant Big John McCarthy moves him away. Just kidding. Kong beats his chest, picks up the girl and the humans just watch and wonder what to do next. They find a very Commander Scarlet mini-sub and Kong gives chase, finally being delayed by a sea monster.

Actually, come to think of it, Carl Nelson is thisclose to Admiral Nelson, commander of the mini-sub Seaview on the TV series Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1964-1968). Coincidence?

Here’s why I love this movie. In this scene, Kong’s head has grown to way larger than before proportion. Continuity be damned, by the next scene, as he catches up to the big sub, his head is back to normal and his eyes are not bugging out. Everyone finally figures out that Kong will listen to Susan and all is as well as it can be when you’re dropping anchor off Mondo Island, which one assumes is relatively close to Monster Island.

Remember Dr. No? Well, he comes back and takes Kong from the island, even killing an old man just to do so. He also wants you to know he has nothing to do with the Timelord, even if he does look like a Japanese John Pertwee. Kong is gassed and lifted away to complete the retrieval of Element X. Some flashing light and hypnotism later and Kong is all ready to mine away, using a set of headphones that Dr. No speaks orders into.

Those wacky Germans we mentioned before? Well, in their versions of the movies, both Jet Jaguar and Mechagodzilla are referred to as King Kong. Again, you’ll have that why question in your head and the answer is simple. King Kong is a marquee name, no matter if he’s properly named or not.

But I digress. Our human heroes (this would be the time that a child version of the author would tune out until the giant monkey was ready to actually do something) seek out Kong, who looks stoned as he mines in an ice cave. The headset breaks and Kong stops listening, which means that Dr. No needs Susan, because she’s the only one Kong will listen to. If only they hadn’t had that press conference telling that to the world!

While all this is going on, Madame Piranha puts the moves on Carl Nelson, who is all super stoic and not having any of this, well, monkey business. He won’t turn on his friends, so Dr. No slaps him around and makes some threats. Kong, well, escapes by swimming in the cold Arctic waters all the way to Tokyo. The Madame decides that even she can’t deal with Kong fighting his mechanical doppelganger and wants Dr. No to just chill. Obviously, something else happened, because she decides to free the good guys.

Just in time — Mecha-Kong and Kong are about to tear Tokyo apart. Susan tries to use reason, but Mecha-Kong has flashing lights and gets Kong all baked again. Seriously — watch this movie and dispute my findings, if you will. One thing leads to another and it’s on like Donkey Kong. No — it’s on like King Kong! This is why you showed up for this movie — two dudes wearing rubber suits dressed as giant gorillas dropping buildings on one another.

Madame Piranga makes her move on the nefarious doctor, but after a slow chop-socky dance and some fighting between an end table, she gets shot in the arm. Yes. The arm. Meanwhile, Tokyo Tower is being ascended and destroyed by our ape combatants. Kong rescues the girl and climbs to the top where they invent the Skywalkers match that the NWA would use for the Great American Bash twenty years later.

Kong wins and then goes one further by tracking down Dr. No’s ship and killing him. Yes — this is a G-rated movie. Then and only then does he give up on civilization and swim away.

Toho had intended King Kong to return for 1968’s Destroy All Monsters, but the rights had lapsed. The Kong suit shows up as Gorilla on the Toho show Go Greenman! (1973-1974) Weirdly enough, Toho had hoped to use Mecha-Kong to battle Godzilla, but when Turner Home Entertainment bought the rights, they decreed that Kong (and anyone looking like him) should not appear in a Japanese monster movie. Boo. Hiss.

All said, this is a pretty entertaining film. Don’t expect CGI quality. In fact, don’t expect any quality. Expect to be entertained and with a runtime of a little over 80 minutes, you honestly won’t waste much time. You are free to giggle at the silly Kong costume, but remember that in the mid 1970s, your author had big Coke bottle glasses and a bowl haircut and lived for this movie. He may still love it just that much.

CHILLER THEATER MONTH: Atragon (1963)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Atragon was on Chiller Theater on Saturday, November 4, 1967 at 11:20 p.m. It also aired on August 14, 1971 and July 1, 1972.

In Japan, this movie is known as Kaitei Gunkan and is a combination of two books, The Undersea Warship: A Fantastic Tale of Island Adventure by Shunrō Oshikawa and The Undersea Kingdom by Shigeru Komatsuzaki, who did design work on the film (he also was part of The Mysterians and Battle In Outer Space).

The lost continent of Mu has reappeared — justified, ancient and with its own sun — and threatens the entire world. The only man who can save us all is Captain Hachiro Jinguji (Jun Tazaki), a WW II naval commander who everyone thinks is dead but who has been working on a super submarine he calls Gotengo (Roaring Heavens). He refused to surrender at the end of the war and he certainly won’t to the Mu.

He refuses to help — the ship is only to bring Japan back to power — until the Mu kidnap his daughter Makoto (Yōko Fujiyama). That’s when he goes on the attack with Rear Admiral Kusumi (Ken Uehara) and decimates the empire of the Empress of Mu (Tetsuko Kobayashi), who chooses to swim into an explosion instead of giving up.

Directed by Ishirō Honda, this was Toho’s big movie of 1963. It was so popular that it was re-released five years later as the double feature with Destroy All Monsters. It was released in the U.S. by American-International Pictures as a double feature with The Time Travelers.

The Gotengo shows up in the TV series Godzilla Island, as well as Godzilla Final Wars, Super Fleet Sazer-X the Movie and the web show Godziban. There was also a two-episode OAV anime, Super Atragon. The monster Manda appears in Destroy All Monsters.

You can watch this on Tubi.

TUBI ORIGINAL: Scariest Monsters In the World (2023)

Written by Savannah Lucas, this is the sequel to Scariest Monsters In America, using much of the same crew and talking heads to track down the most fearsome creatures in the world.

The monsters include werewolves, the Japanese collection of skeletons called Gashadokuro, the Greek serpent giants known as the Typhon, evil spiders called J’ba Fofi, the wendigo, vampires, Kelpies, the Pontianak, the Mare, Baba Yaga, the West African Ninka Nanka, the Bunyip, the Mongolian Death Worm, mummies and zombies.

If you’re read a lot about these monsters, you’re not going to learn much new. But if you have an obsessive desire to watch everything about monsters — like little kid Sam — then this will definitely be something you love. I can argue the list and placement, but watching things about monsters can’t help but be fun.

Also, I totally need to get on whatever it takes to be a talking head in one of these, because I want to get paid for talking about the Lambton Worm, the Kirtland, Ohio Melon Heads and the Hopkinsville Goblins. How do we make that happen?

You can watch this on Tubi.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 19: The Dead and the Damned (2011)

October 19: A Horror Film with Undead Cowboys and/or Undead Civil War Soldiers

Directed by Rene Perez, who wrote the story with Barry Massoni, The Dead and the Damned is about a meteor causing a zombie infestation in the West of the past. Mortimer (David Lockhart) is a bounty hunter out to capture Brother Wolf (Rick Mora), a Native American accused of sexual assault. To lure him into his trap, he brings Rhiannon (Camille Montgomery). Yet they all have to work together when miners try to break that rock that crashed from space.

Also known as Cowboys & Zombies, this has a sequel called Tom Sawyer vs. Zombies. There’s also a third movie, The Dead and the Damned 3: Ravaged.

In case you wondered, yes, this is the same Rene Perez that made Death Kiss, the film that introduced the world to Charles Bronson lookalike Robert Bronz. Perez also made two recent movies that I know I’m going to have to watch, Pro God – Pro Gun and They Want Us Woke Not Awake — that I also realize I am going to hate with every piece of my heart.

This movie also has most of the cast wearing modern cowboy boots with rubber soles and Levis from the 21st century. It also has the tagline “It’s Clint Eastwood meets George Romero as undead, flesh-eating gun-slingers roam the Wild West.” Yeah. That tagline.

2023 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 19: The Plague of the Zombies (1966)

19. ACCOMPANIED MINERS: Danger! Stay out of mineshafts, ore else!

A plague is killing a village’s citizens, so Dr. Peter Tompson (Brook Williams) asks for help from his mentor Sir James Forbes (André Morell), who brings his daughter Sylvia (Diane Clare), who happens to be a childhood friend of Peter’s wife Alice (Jacqueline Pearce).

Sylvia gets in a ton of trouble while her husband is trying to solve this illness, mostly from some fox hunters. They nearly assault her before she’s saved by Squire Clive Hamilton (John Carson) just in time for her to see a zombie murder Alice.

Alice’s corpse has animal blood on her face and has no sign or rigor mortis. Whoever did this also wants to do the same thing to Sylvia. Yes, voodoo is being used to reanimate the dead to work in a tin mine, which is a pretty wild plot even for Hammer. That said, seeing how this is a Hammer production, everything has to end with a gigantic fire. Those dudes loved them some infernos.

According to Ruth Heholt, Cornwall represents “the non-English within England; the foreign at home.” Hammer also made The Reptile, another film where a disease threatens the region. That movie was also made by this film’s director, John Gilling. In fact, both of those movies as well as Dracula: Prince of Darkness and Rasputin the Mad Monk were all shot on the same stages around the same time.

UNSUNG HORRORS HORROR GIVES BACK 2023: Lady Cocoa (1975)

Each October, the Unsung Horrors podcast does a month of themed movies. This year they will once again be setting up a fundraiser to benefit Best Friends, which is working to save the lives of cats and dogs all across America, giving pets second chances and happy homes.

Today’s theme: George “Buck” Flower

Coco (Lola Falana, the singing star who started acting in Sammy Davis Jr.’s A Man Called Adam but also shows up in the Italian Western Lola Colt) gets out of the Nevada prison system by being a witness against her boyfriend Eddie (James A. Watson Jr.). She’s being protected by Ramsey (Alex Drier) and local police officer Doug (Gene Washington) while hiding out at a Lake Tahoe hotel.

She’s being hunted by Arthur (director Matt Cimber, who made The Witch Who Came from the Sea after this) and Big Joe (“Mean” Joe Greene). There are also some newlyweds Arthur (Gary Harper) and Marie (Millie Perkins) who aren’t who they seem.

So yeah, Doug starts to fall for Coco, but she might still be with Eddie. At least George “Buck” Flower shows up as a drunken gambler, which pretty much seems like the role he would do best playing.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CHILLER THEATER MONTH: Stanley (1972)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Stanley was on Chiller Theater on Saturday, November 6, 1976 at 11:30 p.m. It also aired on April 28, 1979; December 30, 1980 and January 16, 1982.

Tim Ochopee (Chris Robinson, who would write, direct and star in 1975’s The Intruder) is a war damaged Seminole just back from Vietnam who wants to live out the rest of his life in the Everglades with his snake Stanley. He didn’t count on Richard Thomkins (Alex Rocco), a maker of leather goods with mob ties, killing his father. Now, all the snakes that Tim has lived with will be the death of everyone who has done him wrong.

Only Grefe could take a ripoff of Willard and somehow make it more disturbing than you’d expect. Yes, this is a movie packed with snakes doing all manner of damage to people and people doing just as horrible things to them, including an exotic dancer playing a geek and biting the head off one on stage as she dances seductively with blood all over her bare chest.

Of course, Tim has to kill everyone in the way and kidnap Thomkin’s daughter Susie (Susan Caroll), but any hope of true love kind of goes the way that you’d expect in a Florida regional horror film that doesn’t stop with just stealing from one film and moves into being a reptile-obsessed Billy Jack.

That said — for a movie so much about protecting snakes, the actual snakes in this movie were defanged and some had their mouths sewn shut. There’s enough human on snake violence in this that you’d expect that it was made in Italy. Grefe still owns the wallet that they made out of the skin of the main snake that played Stanley, which is pretty weird when you dwell on it as much as I have.

Gary Crutcher wanted to do a sequel called Stanley in Miami, but it didn’t happen. He wrote this on two days under the influence of amphetamines, which is the most Florida thing you can say about a movie that is the most Sunshine State movie I’ve seen.

CHILLER THEATER MONTH: The 10th Victim (1965)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The 10th Victim was on Chiller Theater on Saturday, October 11, 1969 at 11:30 p.m. 

How do you avoid warfare in the future? The Big Hunt is the answer. It’s the most popular form of entertainment there is, bringing in all types of people who want to be rich and famous. Every competitor has to complete ten rounds of the game — five as a hunter, five as a victim. If you survive, you retire with more wealth than you can ever dream of. And if you don’t make it…

Caroline (Ursula Andress, Dr. No, The Mountain of the Cannibal God) is one of those competitors, using a powerful shotgun to hunt her final target. If she gets a perfect kill, right in front of the cameras, she’ll make even more money, thanks to her sponsorship from the Ming Tea Company. And that target? Marcello (Marcello Mastroianni,  La Dolce Vita, ), a man whom she finds herself in love with. The big problem is neither is sure if they have the right target and if you accidentally kill the wrong person, you lose the game.

From the jazzy score by Piero Piccioni to a scene where Andress kills a victim with a bra that has gun barrels inside it, this film is pure 60’s pop spy retro-future perfection. Director Elio Petri (A Quiet Place in the Country) turned Robert Sheckley’s short story into a comic book-looking film with incredibly gorgeous lead actors. Anne Margaret and Sue Lyon (Lolita herself!) were both considered for the role, but no one but Andress would have been right in my opinion.

If you’re watching this and thinking, this movie looks like Austin Powers, that’s no accident. The character of Austin Powers started in a Mike Myers music side project known as…Ming Tea. Yes, the very same Ming Ting from this movie. Featuring The Bangles’ Susanna Hoffs as Gillian Shagwell, Matthew Sweet as Sid Belvedere, Stuart Johnson as Manny Stixman and Christopher Ward as Trevor Aigburth, the band recorded several songs, including two that appeared in Austin Powers films.

The look of those films comes directly from this movie and other 60’s pop art films, such as BarbarellaDanger: Diabolik! and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (it’s not an accident that two of Bava’s films are on this list, he had this look down pat). It’s worth mentioning that the film’s costumes were designed by Andre Courreges, one of the most iconic clothing designers of the twentieth century, who is credited with innovating so much of the mod look and is credited with redefining the go-go boot and inventing the mini-skirt (along with Mary Quant).

If you’re looking for this yourself, Shameless Films put out one that works on UK region players that has a lenticular animated cover. For those of us in the US (and elsewhere), Blue Underground has also released this on DVD.

You can also watch this on Tubi and Vudu.