Wealthy drug dealer Miles Montego (Ja Rule) starts dating out of his type when he meets Vanessa Leon (Adrienne Bailon, who I know dated Rob Kardashian), a lovely Christian woman (“A cross upon her bedroom wall / From grace she will fall / An image burning in her mind / And between her thighs”) at a friend’s house. Miles claims he wants to change his life and find God, but he’s still moving weight, and the DEA is on to him.

The Wikipedia for this movie is great, because it summarizes the film in a few sentences, which allows you to see precisely how much happens so quickly: “Miles’ mother dies from an illness, and he proposes to Vanessa on an airplane. After a car accident, Vanessa enters a coma. As he waits in the hospital, Miles starts to restore his faith in God, praying to him to make Vanessa wake up and saying that she shouldn’t have to pay for his sins. Vanessa recovers, and the two marry.”

Not only does Miles marry a church girl, but he soon becomes a pastor. While all of his friends are in jail — he sends Bibles — for his crimes, he gets away with it. Writer and producer Galley Molina made this about his own life, and unlike Miles, he did pay for his crimes with a jail sentence. I mean, so did Ja, serving 28 months for tax evasion. People can change.

Ja does get to drop this monologue (thanks to Complex for transcribing) in which he yells at God in a church, no less: “Good, I’m glad you’re here, because we’ve got some serious issues to talk about. First of all, you took my mother from me, and that just about killed me, but I kept my mouth shut and let that one slide. I’ve done some bad things to people for a lot less, but I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I’ve been faithful. I’ve been going to church and reading your precious little book. I even drop stacks of hundreds into that little velvet bag they pass around every Sunday! I’ve changed. I’m a changed man—can’t you see that? Oh, my bad. Of course you can. You see everything, right?

So what’s the problem then? What do you want from me? I know I haven’t made you proud. How can I with all this mess I’ve got goin’ on? What happened? What happened to all those things I’ve been reading about: grace, forgiveness, mercy? Where was the mercy for my mother? And now you want to take Vanessa away from me? Nah, that ain’t happening, big guy.

Look, I’m a stand-up guy, man. If anybody needs to pay for their sins, then let it be me—please, leave everybody else out of it. Just take me! I’m ready for whatever you’ve got coming. You want to send me to Hell? Book the flight! But please… Please, I’m begging you. Don’t take Vanessa from me. Just tell me, whatever you want me to do. Tell me what you want me to do to spare her life. I didn’t mean a word I just said. I’m sorry for yelling at you in your house.”

As for me, I love the cast they got: Stephen Baldwin, Martin Kove, Michael Madsen and Jerry Rice? That’s how you do it!

You can watch this on Tubi.

“When workaholic Ty Bounds retires after 35 years as a computer programmer, he seeks ways to spend his time serving God. Following the Holy Spirit’s lead, he returns to college to wage war against secular humanism and mentor a new generation in truth-seeking.”

There’s no way I wasn’t watching this. 

Gramps, or Ty, is played by this film’s writer, Donald James Parker. His returning to school as an untraditional student is seen as an aberration. But Ty isn’t going to school to learn. He’s going to teach, which means sitting in biology class and calling everyone out for speaking about evolution. This causes Professor Tucker (Carol Anderson) to keep asking him out and even sexually assault him at one point. 

Ty fucks, but Ty doesn’t fuck, as the kids say.

Ty is very realistic. Every old right-wing religious person I know is always looking for an opportunity to start talking about what’s wrong, even if they’re in charge and, as old white men, rule the world already. At one point, during a chess match, Ty goes off about fluoride in the drinking water, which he says causes cancer and fibromyalgia. No one asked Ty. They are playing chess.

Ty also has a roommate named Brad (Rusty Martin), who starts dating a lapsed Christian who loves to drink. She does what a few kids do every year at CMU and the major colleges in Pittsburgh. She drinks so much — 20 shots of Everclear, if we’re to believe this movie — that she dies. That’s because kids like this didn’t drink in the woods, running from cops. Drinking seems cool, right? Not where I grew up, as you run through mud and water while searchlights are all over you, and you want to puke, but you can’t get caught. If you can stay that aware, you never drink yourself to death. You just became a lifelong alcoholic. 

They then bring her back to life.

As Gramps says, “I used to think that universities were meant to teach us how to think, but I’m beginning to realize that they’re trying to teach us what to think.” 

This movie hits too hard; it’s too much like what the world would become in the decade after its release: a nation of Gramps who have all done their own research. Then, the academic bastards kick Gramps out of school, and he surmises, “I guess the devil didn’t want me here.”

Oh Lord, why have you deserted me? I just learned that this is a sequel to another movie, In Gramps’ Shoes. 

Now I have to watch that.

You can watch this on Tubi.

We understand Cold Creek Manor because no matter how good a provider Dennis Quaid is to Sharon Stone, you can easily see that she’s up for a little bit of fantasy, imagining how Stephen Dorff would use her in bed. Therefore, when he goes crazy, it’s earned, and we’d all do pretty much the same as she did.

I can’t figure out the same thought process for Thy Neighbor.

Pastor Zach (Nathan Clarkson) has it all. A great family with wife Amber (Jessica Koloian) and son Alex (Michael Johnson), a new church, a published book, and a podcast. But he sees saving people as a project, not a calling. So when he tries to get a man we only know as “neighbor” (Dave Payton) to come to church. He’s soon inviting this dark being into the world of his young family unit.

Everyone in this is flawed: Zach was once a violent man and has now become a prideful one, in love with the opportunities and perks of being a religious leader. Amber feels lost in his shadow and kind of likes it when the neighbor gets attention from her husband. And the neighbor, well, he does the Stephen Dorff moves, but he looks like if Golem was haunting your 7-11, playing the slot machines all day in back, emerging only to chug energy drinks and grab more chew when he isn’t begging for money, depending on how his gambling day is going. He’s no threat to Pastor Zach, looks or even conversation-wise; he seems like a cartoon villain inside the real world.

There’s something here beyond most faith movies, though. The filmmakers hid a toy car and a knocking sound every time we see the neighbor. His dialogue is at once frightening and builds sympathy for him, but he’s a cipher, someone who has a tragic past, or so it’s whispered. We never learn from the past. Yet it feels like Amber treats him as a faithful Christian should, while Zach is in it for the popularity. There’s an interesting message in there: it takes that faith concept and combines it with the strange-neighbor subgenre. 

Also: Big points for ending this not only on a downer note, but one that doesn’t give easy answers or give away what happens next. 

You can watch this on Tubi.