If there’s one thing TV anthology shows taught us in the 1980s, it’s that being a hack writer is a fast track to supernatural doom. Enter Peter Prentice, played with an absolute masterclass in smarmy, large-ham sleaziness by Kenickie himself, Jeff Conaway. Peter is talentless, deeply selfish and entirely open about why he writes horror. It’s for the money. He doesn’t believe in vampires; he doesn’t know a thing about them and he certainly doesn’t want to do the hard work himself. Instead, he relies entirely on his eccentric, passionate ghostwriter and technical advisor, Jayne (Jillie Mack), stealing her ideas while treating her like trash.
But Peter’s creative drought ends abruptly when he buys a second-hand coffin for inspiration and accidentally wakes up Count Jeffrey Draco (Roy Dotrice). Draco is a 900-year-old medieval French knight turned vampire who just wants a little peace, quiet and sanctuary in Peter’s apartment. In exchange, he offers an endless reservoir of authentic vampire lore.
Naturally, Peter strikes a deal with the creature of the night, pushes out a blockbuster best-seller titled 900 Years of Darkness and immediately lets the success go straight to his head. In classic villain fashion, once Peter thinks he no longer needs his collaborators, he gives Jayne the boot via a lawyer’s letter and tries to cheat Draco out of his fair share of the royalties. Worse, he tries to off the friendly neighborhood vampire by stuffing his coffin full of antique silverware.
What follows is karma. Thanks to a joke involving an antique silver letter opener and a clumsy cut on Jayne’s hand, a drop of human blood contacts Draco’s ashes, bringing the Count back to life just in time to teach Peter a permanent lesson in contract negotiation.
Balancing genuine horror elements with pitch-black dark comedy, this episode works because it leans into the absurdity of the publishing world and the sheer entertainment value of its cast. Conaway has the time of his life chewing the scenery, Dotrice brings great charm (reminiscent of Christopher Lee’s legendary Dracula runs), and Jillie Mack gets a fantastic, well-earned happy ending, walking away with a lifetime’s supply of vampire stories and a brand-new, sunglasses-wearing best friend.
Frank De Palma directed this episode, and Peter O’Keefe wrote it. It comes from a story by Scott Edelman and originally appeared in DC Comics’ The Unexpected #197, drawn by Tenny Henson. Strangely, this is on Stephen King’s Golden Years VHS collection of Tales from the Darkside episodes. It includes “Do Not Open This Box,” this episode, “Strange Love,””The Old Soft Shoe” and the only King story. “The Word Processor of the Gods.”
