Monthly Archives: September 2022

CANNON MONTH 2: The Dead Zone (1983)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Dead Zone was not produced by Cannon but was released on video in the UK by Cannon / Warner Home Video.

After Stephen King’s novel The Dead Zone was released in 1979, Lorimar Film Entertainment began developing a movie version with screenwriter Jeffrey Boam (Innerspace, The Lost Boys, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). Lorimar lost the rights and that’s where producer Dino De Laurentiis comes in.

He disliked Boam’s screenplay and asked King himself to write a script that he found way too involved and complicated — did he ever read a King book? — and brought on David Cronenberg to direct. He originally worked with Andrzej Żuławski before bringing back Boam. Meanwhile, De Laurentiis hired producer Debra Hill to work with Cronenberg and Boam to get the movie ready to film.

Cronenberg had a vision: “King’s book is longer than it needed to be. The novel sprawls and it’s episodic. What I did was use that episodic quality, because I saw The Dead Zone as a triptych.” Those three parts would be Johnny Smith having his car accident and awakening from a coma, how he helped catch the Castle Rock Killer and the conclusion as he searches for Stillson, a politician who he believes will end the world. King is said to have said that Cronenberg and Boam improved and intensified the power of the original story.

As Johnny Smith (Christopher Walken) drives home through a storm, he has a car accident that puts him in a coma for five years. As time passed, Sarah (Brooke Adams) married and had a child. As he undergoes therapy with neurologist Dr. Sam Weizak (Herbert Lom), he discovers that physical contact can allow him to see into someone’s life. For example, he learns that Weizak’s mother is still alive and that a nurse’s child is in danger.

Sheriff George Bannerman (Tom Skeritt) asks Johnny to help him solve the case of the Castle Rock Killer, which leads him to a member of the police force — Deputy Frank Dodd (Nicholas Campbell) — being the real killer and Dodd’s mother (Colleen Dewhurst) shooting him, leaving him with a limp and pushing him to stay away from humanity.

After saving a child he is tutoring — the son of Roger Stewart (Anthony Zerbe) — Johnny discovers the Dead Zone,  a place where he can change the future. After meeting a politician named Greg Stillson (Martin Sheen) who Sarah and her husband volunteer for, he learns with a handshake that the future President will launch nukes that will destroy the world.

Johnny decides to kill Stillson before he can do so and as he shoots at the man, the politician uses Sarah’s son as a human shield. Johnny is killed by a bodyguard, but before he dies, he learns that Sarah still loves him and that he has changed the future.

The Dead Zone is — perhaps outside of Carrie — the best adaption of a King novel. Cujo is a spiritual sequel — at least the book is — as it’s set in Castle Rock and the spirit of Frank Dodd has gone into the dog and made it evil. Sheriff Bannerman is also in that story, but was played by Sandy Ward in the film. Other Castle Rock stories include Stand By Me, The Dark Half and Needful Things.

CANNON MONTH 2: Red Sonja (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Red Sonja was not produced by Cannon but was released on video in the UK by Cannon/Warner Home Video.

I am sorry, Red Sonja. For years, I have doubted you. Surely you cannot be as good as Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer. You have to be a weaker sister, I always thought, so I avoided you.

I was wrong. So wrong.

Today, dear reader, I am here to tell you that while this film is not as good as the first two Conan romps, it’s still an astounding sword and sorcery adventure filled with plenty of great effects, well-shot battles and a cast of some of my favorite actors.

Oddly enough, Red Sonja may be owned by the Robert E. Howard estate, but the character itself was really created by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, who used Howard’s Red Sonya of Rogatino as inspiration. But man, those 70’s Conan comics were monsters and people fell in love with the idea that Sonja could be as tough as Conan and had promised the goddess Scáthach that in exchange for heightened strength, stamina, agility and fighting skills that she would never lie with a man until he could defeat her in fair combat.

Let’s not debate how the survivor of sexual assault must pretty much get beat up to enjoy lovemaking, because that’s the kind of complex argument that won’t be solved inside a movie that’s really about stabbing people. I’m not saying it’s an important discussion to have, but I’m an expert in exploitation movies, not humanity.

Directed by Richard Fleischer, whose career goes from the heights of Soylent Green and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea to the depths of The Jazz Singer and Amityville 3-D — not to mention Mandingo — this moves quick, looks good and is just plain fun.

After surviving the death of her family and being attacked by the soldiers of Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman*, who seems to relish the opportunity to play a villain instead of the female sidekick), Sonja trains to become a legendary warrior.

Meanwhile, her sister Varna (Janet Agren, Hands of Steel, City of the Living Dead) has become a priestess in an order of women who plan on banishing the Talisman, which created the world but could now destroy it. If any man touches it, he disappears, so of course Gedren wants to use it for her own ends. Led by Ikol (Ronald Lacey, Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark), her army kills the priestesses and takes the Talisman for their queen.

Lord Kalidor** (Arnold Schwarzenegger) finds Varna and brings Sonja to her, where she learns of the Talisman and how she can kill two birds with one stone by destroying it and Gedren. Her adventures take her to meet Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr.), a young king of a land destroyed by Gedren, and his bodyguard Falkon (Paul L. Smith, who was the handyman in Pieces and Bluto in Popeye). She also defeats the ominous Lord Brytag (Pat Roach, the former pro wrestler who shows up as a major bad guy in so many movies, from the mechanic that Indiana Jones knocks into a Flying Wing in Raiders of the Lost Ark to Hephaestus in Clash of the Titans, Toth-Amon in Conan the Destroyer and General Kael in Willow) before an awesome duel with Kalidor for the right to aardvark*** and then another battle against Gedren as her castle explodes with lava flowing everywhere.

Speaking of that great cast, this also has a third Indiana Jones alumni, Terry Richards, who played the Arabian swordsman that Indy so memorable shot after a long flourish of sword swinging. Plus, Tutte Lemkow, best known as the Fiddler on the Roof is a wizard and The Swordmaster that trains Sonja is Tad Horino, who was also Confucius in Bill and Red’s Bogus Journey. Erik Holmey, who played the soldier who asked “What is best in life?”, and replied, “The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair!” is in this. And of course, Arnold’s buddy Sven-Ole Thorsen shows up.

Plus, how can you be let down by an Ennio Morricone score?

Again, I’m sorry, Red Sonja. You’re actually pretty darn good.

*Bergman was offered the role of Red Sonja, but turned it down, choosing instead to play Queen Gedren. Producer Dino De Laurentiis met with actress Laurene Landon and was set to offer her the role until he learned that she had pretty much already played the same part in Hundra. He spent a year looking for an actress who looked like an Amazon, almost picking Eileen Davidson (The House On Sorority Row) before discovering Brigitte Nielsen on the cover of a magazine.

**There’s a fan theory that Kalidor is really Conan, as some heroes would use “adventuring names” while they were in other counties, like how Gandalf was also known as Mithrandir. De Laurentiis didn’t have the rights to use Conan again, which explains this financially. Speaking of money, Arnold signed up for a cameo as a favor to the producer, but one week turned into four and when he saw a rough cut of the movie, he realized that he was really a co-star. This is why he terminated his 10-year deal with De Laurentiis.

***They totally did, for real, according to Arnold in his book Total Recall – My Unbelievably True Life Story. Neilsen confirmed this in her book You Only Get One Life, saying that they had “no restrictions” in their lovemaking. You know, while some of us debated whether Stallone or Schwarzenegger was the best action hero, Neisen had Biblical knowledge.

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: Bubblegum (2022)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

Bubblegum (2022): World’s Greatest Used Car Salesman Teddy Bupkis (Thayer Cranor) and his 13-year-old girlfriend Daphne Delamonte (Shauna Nunn) are running from the law — specifically detectives Daryl Hammond (Steve Jones) and Anal Retard (Paxton Gilmore) — and a crack dealer after they fail to murder Teddy’s wife Angela (Morgan Cooper).

Sounds simple? Well, when hitman Chuckie Fondue (Victor Godfrey) is run over before the hit. So Teddy decides that perhaps he should just stay with his wife and deal with it. He gives her a piece of bubblegum and she dies choking on it. Teddy and Daphne try to run, but after hitching a ride with Upchuck (Furly Travis), he reveals himself as a serial killer and kills her.

And somehow, the problems are just getting started.

Bubblegum was made for a few hundred bucks and shot on old used VHS tapes. Everyone in the movie is a non-professional actor and there was no crew and guess what? It looks and feels like it. You’re either going to love or hate this movie, which has old commercials take over at times, special effects that look anything but and John Waters-level colored wigs. It was probably a ton of fun to make and the kind of movie that would play well in a theater packed with everyone that helped out. As for how it plays with an audience of people that weren’t so involved, well…

I can appreciate what director and writer Jeffrey Garcia was going for here. How much will you like it? Have you ever found yourself accidentally smelling your hand after you finish taking a dump and then imagined seeing outside your body and then wondering what everyone you knew would think of you in this situation and then just started to laugh like an absolute moron? If yes, you’ve found your Citizen Kane.

You can learn more about Jeffrey Garcia at his official site.

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: Johnny Z (2022)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

Johnny Z (2022): Johnny Z has been a movie I’ve been waiting to see for some time, ever since it was crowdfunded a mix between Land of the Dead and The Raid.

Directed by Jonathan Straiton (Night of Something Strange) and written by Straiton and Ron Bonk (House Shark, She Kills), this movie stars Michael Merchant (Amityville Death House) as Johnny, as well as Trey Harrison as Vin, Felix Cortes as Jonray, Ellie Church as Lars, David E. McMahon as Frank, Jason Delgado as Cristano and Wayne Johnson as Monster Boy.

The real stars of the show are the gore-strewn effects by Marcus Koch (We Are Still Here, Frankenstein Created Bikers, The Third Saturday In October V) and massive fight scenes that were choreographed by Dylan Hintz of the DC Stunt Coalition. Seriously, this movie is nearly all blood, guts, swords, guns and martial arts!

When the film was being funded, Straiton said, “Johnny Z has been a passion project of mine for over ten years and I know audiences will dig it. It’s straight action horror with tons of gore! This is my chance to show my more serious side to storytelling compared to NoSS. Black Mandala approached us about doing a NoSS sequel back in January, instead I expressed the importance of Johnny Z as my next project and they totally got it! They came on as producers and I signed on to direct Johnny Z and NoSS sequel, Dawn of Something Strange and very much look forward to returning to that world after Johnny Z.”

Johnny is half human, half zombie and all kickass. Within his blood just might be the cure to the zombie epidemic. Yet after escaping a medical prison called Nordac, Johnny comes under the guidance of Grandmaster Jonray and his brother Crisanto. This sets Johnny on the path to using his martial arts skills to find a doctor who can create the cure while also helping his master fight some personal demons.

Filmed in Central Virginia, this Spanish and English-speaking movie is seriously wall-to-wall fighting. It really does live up to its goal of being a direct-to-video fighting horror movie. It’s the kind of film that you can just sit back and watch the carnage. We all need that every once in a while.

You can learn more about Johnny Z at the official Facebook page.

CANNON MONTH 2: Force of Darkness (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Force of Darkness was not produced by Cannon but was released on video by Cannon Screen Entertainment Limited in the UK.

Conrad (Mel Novak, who still appears in direct to streaming movies to this day) is a serial killer that has split personalities, or so the medical field would like us to believe, but the truth is that he’s possessed by a demon. Gloria Ramsey (Loren Cedar, who also shows up in Down On Us) watched him kill her lover,  Dr. Rogers (Gordon Rigsby), but the prints on the murder weapon are heres and she has no alibi. Detective Ben Johnson (Doug Shanklin) believes her, but soon he finds himself up against the, well, force of darkness that lives within the walls of Alcatraz.

Directed by Alan Hauge doesn’t have many other credits other than appearing as himself in Search for Haunted Hollywood. Writer Jack Baylam has even less credits, much like so much of the cast in this movie.

This may be the most Christian Exorcist clone I’ve seen. Cast member Eddie Hailey, who played Murry, was a born again Christian who was one of the stars of the Christian Broadcast Network’s Another Life, a religious soap opera. He’d lead the cast in a half hour prayer service each morning. Mel Novak is an ordained Christian pastor who performed the funerals for Chuck Connors’ son Jeffrey Alan Connors and Tim Burton’s father Bill Burton. Want even more evidence? The soundtrack came from Jim Stipech, who also did the music for the anti-abortion movies The Silent Scream and Eclipse of Reason. No, not that Silent Scream.

There’s literally nothing else out there on this movie. It’s as if it barely exists.

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: The Brilliant Terror (2021)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

The Brilliant Terror (2021): So many movies are released today — just look at Tubi or this site — because we have the tools to make a film with just our phones and the internet. Paul Hunt and Julie Kauffman have gone deep into the world of low budget modern filmmakers and why they do what they do, centered around Lancaster, PA filmmaker Mike Lombardo shooting the bloody bathroom of The Stall, in The Brilliant Terror.

These digitally made films are the children and grandchildren of the regional horror that we know and love so much, even if they don’t show the culture of where they’re made as often as Romero’s films so rooted in Pittsburgh or Brownrigg in Texas.

The movie also introduces us to Slapface creator Jeremiah Kipp, Gitchy maker Thomas Norman, Caveat creator Julie Ufema, Night of the Loup Garou director Micah Ginn and Movie Monster Insurance filmmaker Paula Helfley as well as giving them the opportunity to speak about why they love movies and what inspired them to make them.

If you’ve seen Justin McConnell’s Clapboard Jungle: Surviving the Independent Film Business, you may have already experienced a similar story. The best part of this movie is that it shows the real world issues driving the filmmakers and what may keep them from achieving their visions. There are also appearances by author Michael Gingold, screenwriter Stephen Romano, movie lover Scott Jeune and scholars Joanne Cantor, Noël Carroll and Cynthia Freelandoll who each explain horror from different angles, from personal experience to academic analysis.

Of everyone in this, I appreciated Heidi Honeycutt the most, as she speaks to the opportunity for these movies to give creators an opportunity to “make our own art, our own alternative messages in film.” Instead of worrying about people sending negative messages and how society views them, the filmmakers here that have a chance of doing exactly that are the ones who push through and concentrate on a true vision. This movie inspired me to track down so many of their films, which makes me consider this movie a success.

You can learn more about The Brilliant Terror at the official website.

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: Extraneous Matter Complete Edition (2021)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

Extraneous Matter Complete Edition (2021): Directed and written by Ken’ichi Ugana, who also made the incredible short Vierailijat, this film takes an image that we associate with the pornographic — sexualized tentacles — and applies it to how being in some relationships is lonelier than being all by yourself, as well as alienation and fear of the unknown, across several episodes.

A young woman (Kaoru Koide) trapped in a loveless and definitely sexless relationship is attacked by an octopus alien that hides in her closet and while at first this is assault, it soon becomes the only thing she looks forward to. By the end, everyone in her life, including her boyfriend, has partaken in the sexual nirvana that this creature can create.

Another tale is about a man attempting to win back an ex-lover while training a creature with sweets. As the aliens multiply across Earth, humanity battles back in the third story, with soldiers gathering and killing them. One of those men finds an injured octopus creature and tries to protect it. Finally, two strangers meet in a bar after the aliens have been driven out.

Extraneous Matter Complete Edition does the opposite of what so many of the stories of alien sex in Japanese culture usually do: the story goes on past the sex. In fact, the tentacles being inside humans is such a small part of the story. It’s what is truly inside, the hidden reasons why we do what we do, that get explored within this film. Whether you can see that through all the glistening tentacles and strange looking eight-limbed soft-bodied monsters is your call.

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: Stag (2022)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

Stag (2022): Directed and written by Alexandra Spieth, Stag is about Jenny (Mary Glen Fredrick) and her attempts to reconnect with her former best friend Mandy (Elizabeth Ramos) during a bachelorette party at a seemingly haunted campground.

What drove these friends apart? Why does Jenny have such difficulty connecting with anyone? Why are the religious beliefs of sisters Constance (Katie Wieland) and Casey (Stephanie Hogan) just so strange? Is this what it’s really like when women get together?

We can all feel for Jenny. Her only anchor in this unfamiliar territory is Mandy. There’s something unspoken that drove them in two directions yet there’s still some love between them. Yet as everyone else’s motivations are so unclear at best and malevolent at worst, it makes me glad that I skipped that bachelor party weekend I was supposed to go to last month.

What the film misses in proper lighting and color balance — the outside footage nearly washes out the movie at times — it makes up for it in writing and acting. A better budget would have done wonders, but let’s just forget that. Let’s concentrate on a movie that takes a great elevator speech — “What if Bridesmaids and Midsommer had mimosas?” — and delivers something special.

CANNON MONTH 2: Silver Bullet (1985)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: This originally ran on October 6, 2017. Silver Bullet was not produced by Cannon but was released on video in the UK by Cannon Screen Entertainment.

Silver Bullet may be based on King’s Cycle of the Werewolf, but there are so many deviations and changes from the story, one could say that they’re both stories about a werewolf in a small town and get away with it. It’s probably best to experience both of them, as they cover some of the same story but differ in so many ways. Perhaps you can pretend that it’s the werewolf version of Rashomon.

Tarker’s Mill, Maine. 1976. The Coslaw family is a mess, to be perfectly honest. Jane wants to get away. Marty (Corey Ham, The Lost Boys) fights with her and is dealing with being a paraplegic. And the parents, Nan and Bob, are always at odds.

Things change once murder tears apart their town, starting with a railroad worker (James Gammon, the coach from Major League). Then, a depressed pregnant woman and Milt Sturmfuller are both killed and people start to worry. Once Billy Kinkaid is killed flying his kite (PS never fly a kite in a Stephen King story, witness Pet Semetary), the townspeople lose their minds.

Despite Sheriff Joe Haller (Terry O’Quinn, The Stepfather!) and Reverend Lester Lowe (Big Ed Hurley from Twin Peaks) trying to calm everyone down, a mob goes into the woods to stop the killer. That said — the tables get turned and many of them die, including Owen the bartender (Laurence Tierney, a noted real-life maniac who was in Reservoir Dogs and Film Threat’s filmed version of the Tube Bar Red tapes).

That Reverend isn’t on the level though, as he dreams of a mass funeral where everyone turns into a wolf. He wakes up and begs God to stop the pain.

The town may cancel the fireworks, but when Uncle Red (also another real-life manic, Gary Busey) visits, he gives Marty a wheelchair/motorcycle he calls the “Silver Bullet” that can shoot rockets. The werewolf almost kills him later that evening, but he blasts it in the left eye. He soon realizes that the werewolf and the Reverend are the same person, so he begins mailing him anonymous notes saying that he should kill himself.

The priest learns that Marty wrote the letters and he repeatedly tries to kill the kid. Even after convincing Sheriff Haller, the cop gets killed by Lowe.

Out of options, Red helps Marty make a silver bullet to kill the werewolf with (we all need a completely crazy uncle in our lives, right?) and sends the parents away on a trip. Of course, the werewolf attacks them, tossing Red like a ragdoll and nearly killing Jane before Marty blows it away, revealing the form of the Reverend.

The film didn’t even have a werewolf suit before shooting began, which led to plenty of battles between King and producer Dino De Laurentiis, who had already caused original director Don Coscarelli (Phantasm) to quit. The replacement, Daniel Attias, has gone on to direct much of today’s top television — The Sopranos, The Wire, Six Feet Under and Homeland.

Busey did his own stunts — you can see him get launched really hard in one scene. He also ad libbed most of his own dialogue, which makes me stand by my belief that people just tell him that he isn’t in a movie and that everything around him is real. That’s how you capture pure Busey. To wit — he claims that “his reaction to the werewolf breaking through the wall was genuine as there was no rehearsal of that scene and it was completed in a single take.”

You can do worse than Silver Bullet. I mean, you can do better, too. But when it comes to Stephen King films, it’s a pulpy, gory film that’s fun pretty much the whole way through. The scene with the churchgoers turning into werewolves has seventy werewolves it it, so it’s pretty awesome.

BONUS! You can hear the podcast we did about this movie, too!

GENREBLAST FILM FESTIVAL: Eating Miss Campbell (2022)

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The GenreBlast Film Festival is entering its sixth year of genre film goodness. A one-of-a-kind film experience created for both filmmakers and film lovers to celebrate genre filmmaking in an approachable environment, it has been described by Movie Maker Magazine as a “summer camp for filmmakers.”

Over the next few days, I’ll be reviewing several movies from this fest, based in the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Winchester, Virginia. This year, there are 14 feature films and 87 short films from all over the world. Weekend passes are only $65 and you can get them right here.

Eating Miss Campbell (2022): Every time Beth (Lyndsey Craine) dies — at her own hand — she wakes up in another horror movie. This time, it’s a cannibal romantic comedy. And that idea, that Beth wants to die but might learn something from each new film, is a great one. It doesn’t come back into this film at all, which is the first of the misfires that this movie commits.

Director and writer Liam Regan, my enthusiasm for this diminished somewhat when a Troma logo came across the screen. As for the story, well, only one student at Henenlotter High School — get it? get it? the film seems to nudge you; the same school also is the setting of Regan’s My Bloody Banjo — can win the “All You Can Eat Massacre” contest and get a handgun of their own with which they can either soot their fellow students or kill themselves.

Yet there may be hope. Beth has a crush on English teacher Miss Campbell (Lala Barlow) which seems to play out as a need to consume human flesh. This is the exact opposite of her vegan ethos yet eating one’s enemies is such sweet revenge.

The rest of the film uses teen movie stereotypes from Heathers, Tragedy Girls and Mean Girls to move along its tale of girl cliques and male sexual predators. Of all the imagery and ideas taken by this movie, I liked that one of the female bullies favors Road Warrior Hawk makeup.

The movie — well, the evil teacher Nancy Applegate (Annabella Rich) — refers to Beth as “the millennial product of the American high school trope” and that would be an intriguing meta comment were it not so on the nose. Sure, her mother is dead, she has a horrible stepfather and school sucks, but why does she want to end her existence beyond a “woe is me” attitude? Far be it from me to expect good taste in film, much like exploitation, but I do definitely demand a character who has a reason for their deepest desire, even if it is dying.

If she really wants to live in a movie life that isn’t nostalgic horror, why does she play into the same cliches throughout? That motivation is never truly explored. Instead, there are endless references to other movies — if this were a Marvel comic, there’d be an editor note in every panel, cluttering this up with reference upon reference — and can you top this gross-out humor. Trust me, I love humor like that. Lloyd Kaufmann saying “Alex Baldwin” and blowing out his brains is anything but wit.

To be satire, one must have some position from which to state why something is worthy of ridicule, lest it becomes exactly what it is deriding. If you want to make fun of direct-to-video horror, that’s not that hard. If you want to make a satire about hot button issues like date rape and teen suicide, go for it. But you better bring your best material. And if this is it, well, I have no interest in seeing what comes next.