Amityville Witches (2020)

The Belle Witches have to revisit their magical talents to deter the evil Dominique Marcom from trying to raise the demon Botis into the world.”

You may read the sell line from this and wonder — a movie with an alternate title of Witches of Amityville Academy — “Is this an Amityville movie?” And i”m wondering, “Are all movies Amityville movies?” Because at this point, I feel like I’m in a non-Faustian bargain. I feel compelled to watch all of these movies and really get no reward.

After receiving an acceptance letter from Dominique’s (Amanda Jade-Tyler, who is in the upcoming Amityvole Scarecrow 2 and oh no, I have to watch that one as well) prestigious Amityville Academy for witches, Jessica (Sarah T. Cohen, who was in Hellkat and Medusa) soon learns that only the Belle Witches can save her from a demon. A demon named Bortis who is also known as Otis — I am not making that up — and is discussed in the Lesser Key of Solomon as a President and an Earl who initially appears as a viper before changing into a sword-toting, fanged and horned human who likes to talk about the past, present and future. He also rules 60 legions of demons.

The good witches of this movie all definitely shop at Ann Taylor Loft and Pottery Barn because they look late 40s attractive upper class — I’d say South Hills but yinz aren’t all from Pittsburgh — and they just like to chill and sip on tea and gossip. Sam (Kira Reed Lorsch, Chained Heat 2001: Slave Lovers and on Playboy’s Sexcetera before being an early internet adult adopter and creating Married Couple Live with her husband in the early 2000s), Ellena (Brittan Taylor, Space Girls in Beverly Hills) and Lucy (Donna Spangler, who was The Coal Miner’s Daughter in the wrestling group POWW and also played Hugs Higgins in the Andy Sidaris movie Guns, Mee-Shell in Dinosaur Valley Girls and Katanna in Space Girls in Beverly Hills) are those Belle Witches and they’re fabulous.

Director Rebecca Matthews (The Candy Witch, Pet Graveyard) and writer Tom Jolliffe (Jurassic Island) have done the impossible: they’ve made a non-Amityville Amityville movie that didn’t make me question why I do this. I’m all for a web series of the Belle Witches where they bemoan the closing of Chicco’s in their mall or battle a series of zombie Karens or just sit around and drink tea and talk about their husbands.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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