The Booth at the End (2010-2012)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Exploitation-film historian A.C. Nicholas, who has a sketchy background and hails from parts unknown in Western Pennsylvania, was once a drive-in theater projectionist and disk jockey. In addition to being a writer, editor, podcaster, voice-over artist, and sometime actor and stand-up comedian, he’s a regular guest co-host on the streaming Drive-In Asylum Double Feature and panelist on the Deep Images podcast and has made multiple appearances on Making Tarantino: The Podcast. He also contributes to the Drive-In Asylum fanzine, the B & S About Movies Podcast, and the Horror and Sons website. He currently programs a monthly film series, A.C. Nicholas’s Hidden Gems, at The Babylon Kino in Columbia, South Carolina.

“Show. Don’t tell.” This adage is as old as film itself. Looking at the first quarter of the twenty-first century, perhaps screenwriters have taken that statement too much to heart. Apart from the few films written by folks who can write memorable dialogue, like Quentin Tarantino and David Mamet, the typical film or TV show today is an empty spectacle, or as my father used to say, “parada,” Polish for “show” or “exhibition.” Fathers of my generation would tell kids, “You’d better stop your crying, or I’ll knock you into next Wednesday,” but my dad always used parada when sternly presaging an ass-whipping: “Don’t make a big parada out of it.” And that describes your typical $200 million Hollywood blockbuster—empty, soulless, and cynical, just a series of huge action set pieces strung together by the most perfunctory narrative, a big parada. (Quick, how many films in the past 25 years deal with a fight over “magic junk” or advanced technology, something that if it falls into the hands of the wrong people will cause mass destruction? There’s a Letterboxd list for you, Sam.) Let’s just say the era of dialogue-driven films–“all tell, no show”–such as My Dinner with Andre, Swimming to Cambodia, and Before Sunrise, is but a distant memory 

Which brings us to a weird little item called The Room at the End, which had its genesis as a web series of 62 two-minute episodes. They were later strung together and shown on Canadian and British television before floating around streaming services in this country. How I discovered it years ago, I cannot remember. But it’s something I’ll never forget. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen, from anywhere, from any era, in any medium. And, apart from a handful of reviews and posts online, it remains largely unknown. But not for long, I hope.

In the end booth of an old-school diner, sits a rumpled guy with a pen and a book. He’s never referred to by name. He’s just “The Man,” and he’s played by long-time character actor Xander Berkeley. As each vignette begins, he’s sitting there, perhaps reading the newspaper or having coffee, when he’s approached by someone who has heard that he can help them with a problem. A man has a terminally ill child. A young woman wants to be prettier. A nun has lost her faith. Each of them tells their story to The Man, who says that what they want can happen, but first, they must complete a task and return to report the details of carrying out that task. He then opens his book, jots a note or two, and tells them what they must do to receive their desire. For the man, his kid will get better if… he kills someone else’s child. For the young woman, she’ll be prettier if… she steals $101,043 from some banks. (The randomness of that number is like the randomness of the universe.) And the nun will hear God again if… she gets pregnant. The Man also tells each of them that they can walk away from his offer. In follow-up vignettes, we hear the decision each made and what happened.

The compiled vignettes form two seasons with a total of 10 approximately 23-minute episodes. (You can, as I did, binge the entire series in an afternoon. And once you get started, I’m betting you will.) Each episode follows the same format: Here is the diner, here is The Man in the booth at the end, and here are the clients entering one after another to either make a deal or give The Man updates. The only other character is a waitress named Doris, who takes on a greater significance in the second season when The Man sets up shop in the booth at the end of a different diner.

Who is The Man? Does he have supernatural powers? What is the significance of the book? How will the clients respond to their assigned tasks? Some of those tasks even intertwine. For example, the guy who must kill a child is unknowingly pitted against a guy whose task is to protect a child. In the end, how do these stories resolve? I think the true nature of the show is subtly found in its title: The Booth at the End. Yes, it’s the “end” booth in the diner, but “end” could also refer to the existential end of a person’s hope.

This is all the brainchild of writer/creator Christopher Kubasik, who got his start working on video games and writing tie-in novels. It’s easy to see that, in writing cut scenes for video games, he had the perfect training to write short-form internet content. Based on The Booth at the End, I wish he’d do more stuff. I was surprised to discover that there was a 2017 Italian movie adaptation of the show called The Place, which was nominated for a whole bunch of Donatello awards, the Italian Oscars. I must seek it out. 

Now before you cry “rip-off of Needful Things by Steve King from the University of Maine,” let me remind you that this plot about getting what you wished for–and then regretting it–has been around for ages and not just in the various adaptions of the short story The Monkey’s Paw. Folklore about wish fulfilment and its consequences goes back to the tales of the Arabian Nights. The Booth at the End is built upon a sturdy and reliable trope. And what makes it so special is how it subverts our expectations of that “genie and three wishes” plot. It does so entirely with dialogue. That’s right. Nothing is shown. Everything is discussed. In each vignette, a client sits in that booth and has a conversation with The Man. And these conversations are riveting, philosophical, and often horrifying. For, you see, life is like that, and Kubasik has stripped everything away, the action, the violence, the special effects, “the showing,” if you will, to concentrate on the thoughtful “telling”–and not a big parada.

On paper, this minimalistic approach would appear either boring or, at best, “twee,” as a cinephile friend likes to say. But watch a two-minute chunk, and you’ll see that it’s breathtakingly brilliant. The stories grab your attention with their complex dilemmas. Forgive me for using that overworked expression that you could do a semester college class in philosophy–or screenwriting–about the show, but it’s spot-on here. (The movie Groundhog Day similarly fits the description.) You, as the viewer, are drawn into this small, bell-jar universe of right and wrong, morality and immorality, and good and evil. It’s impossible not to ponder how you would react if faced with the same decisions The Man’s clients must make. The stories are like modern parables. 

And Kubasik tells these stories like the caveman who told his friends around the campfire how Ook fell into the pile of mammoth dung on their hunting trip, unadorned with CGI or VFX. It’s the oldest, yet most powerful, narrative device: simple storytelling. Too many filmmakers today forget the power of the spoken word. 

But an equally important reason this show succeeds, in addition to the weighty ideas and impressive writing, is the brilliant central performance by Xander Bekeley as The Man. All the actors here are good to great, but this is Berkeley’s day in the sun. While you might not recall his name, you’ll recognize him as a character actor who’s been kicking around for decades, quietly doing solid work in TV shows such as 24, Nikita, and The Walking Dead and the movies Candyman, Air Force One, and Heat, among many others. Lucy Mangan of The Guardian said Berkeley’s performance should be “used as an acting masterclass.” That’s 100% accurate. When the nun, played by Berkeley’s real-life wife, Sarah Clarke, asks him how she can be sure he’s not the devil, Berkeley’s delivery of “you can’t” is chilling. He’s so compelling that he could read a diner menu and be mesmerizing. But he’s equally compelling in his reactions to the details that his clients give him. He may be in a minimalistic show, but his acting is anything but minimal. He’s fantastic, demonstrating that sometimes the greatest acting is not always done by the big star in the big parada.

Over the years, I’ve recommended The Booth at the End to friends with discerning taste—this is not something you recommend to someone like that person who many years ago posted on a CompuServe board I moderated that Grease was the greatest movie ever made–yet no one has ever listened to me and watched it. I guess that description of “all tell, no show” was a buzzkill. Anyway, you’re an exceptional discerning person: Go watch The Booth at the End, which is streaming on Tubi. And then give me the details. I’ll be waiting for you at the booth at the end… of the drive-in snack bar.

Daddy Can’t Dance (2012)

Pete Vinal made a vanity project: a movie he directed, wrote, produced, and stars in as Pete Weaver, once the most excellent break dancer in the world. But now, he needs to get his daughter an expensive medical treatment, or she’ll die, and he just lost his dad, who has finally invented something amazing, but then bled to death after a heart attack just before they were about to go get ice cream.

It’s time to dance.

Also, to compound all of this, Pete gets fired from his job because a corrupt coworker steals his invention — not the new administrative assistant, whom he keeps yelling at for smoking — and claims it as his own. To make things worse, he then claims Pete stole it from him.

This movie doesn’t understand how patents work: Pete did patent his invention, the Drink Genie, but instead of speaking up, he just gets fired. If you’re wondering, did the real Pete Vinal invent a genuine Drink Genie? You get it. 

Meanwhile, instead of getting a job, he reunites his old dance crew. He doesn’t tell his wife — “because you know how women are” his words, not mine) — and she thinks she’s cheating. When she worries, she calls a friend who basically tells her she’s wrong and that, because Pete goes to church — although he later claims to be lapsed, yet he prays throughout the movie — there’s no way he could ever cheat on her.

Of course, Pete is vindicated. He isn’t cheating on his wife. His invention belongs to him, and he’s been rehired, but his enemy has just been demoted, which is weird because now he and Pete have to work together. And then his crew has a twenty-minute-long dance competition with Ice Man and his crew. Ice Man may be younger and, reasonably, black, so one would assume he’d defeat Pete. And then he does, except that he donates his prize money to Pete’s family, but then a charity organization pays for all of Pete’s daughter’s hospital bills, so none of this mattered. Pete could have done nothing, and we’d be back here.

However, the end of this movie is horrifying.

We discover that it’s all been a painting that we saw someone starting in the park at the beginning of the story. Yes, every life, every soul, it’s all erased when it’s painted over. And look at Pete’s face. He knows. The cosmic erasure of this is a fate worse than death.

Pete went through a Jobian nightmare of death, disease, dancing and despair, only to be erased, as if he and everyone he loved were never born.

According to Dove.com, “Through it all, Pete never gives up hope or loses his faith. Prayer and reverence for God are both frequent elements. However, there are several sexual innuendoes in the film, as well as 19 inappropriate uses of God and Oh God. If these references were removed, the remaining proper references to God will uplift the human spirit.”

A religious movie with a hero everyone wants to have sex with for his ability to breakdance, dressed like The Nutty Professor. I am so glad this found its way to me.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Girl Most Likely (2012)

Aug 25-31 Natasha Lyonne Week: There’s a new season of her weirdo mystery of the week coming out (I can’t remember the name rn, you can look it up), and she’s been steadily delivering chuckles for decades now.

Imogene Duncan (Kristen Wiig) was once a promising playwright, but now has a magazine writing job. She gets fired, her boyfriend leaves her, and she tries to kill herself, but really wants her boyfriend to save her. Instead, her friend Dara (June Diane Raphael! Hello people of Earth!) brings her to the hospital, and she has to be released to the care of her gambling addict mother (Annette Bening) and taken back home to New Jersey.

Directed by Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini and written by Michelle Morgan, this has Imogene learn that her father (Bob Balaban) never died and never felt bad about leaving the family.

This is very much a sitcom, and luckily, Kristen Wiig would go on to do better things. You can play the spot Natasha Lyonne game like I did, wishing she were in the movie more than she is. Same as Matt Dillon, who is good, but almost not in this.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: Foodfight! (2012)

Aug 4-10  Stoner Comedy Week: I don’t gas reefer anymore, but I love it when people in movies do!

Lawrence Kasanoff executive produced movies like Party CampBlood DinerThe UnderachieversDream a Little DreamBlue SteelClass of 1999A Gnome Named Gnorm and Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College before finding success with the Mortal Kombat movies. He also founded the Vestron Pictures genre subsidiary Lightning Pictures in 1986, Lightstorm Entertainment with James Cameron in 1990 and Threshold Entertainment in 1993, which is where this movie came from. Threshold claims to have done the first morphing in a film for Terminator 2, as well as tons of 3D and 4D work on theme park attractions.

Kasanoff and Threshold Entertainment employee Joshua Wexler created the concept that would become Foodfight! in 1997. They entered into a $25 million joint investment with Korean investment company Natural Image, thinking that foreign pre-sales and loans against the sales would cover the budget. Kasanoff also decided to produce and direct the film, despite having no prior experience in animation.

If this was a success, the movies Arcade and Mascots would be next. As those movies never came out, you can assume that Foodfight! was anything but successful.

In fact, it was a mess.

After raising tens of millions of dollars in funding, the film was initially scheduled for a Christmas 2003 theatrical release. It was also said to come out in 2005 and 2007. Then, when a loan was defaulted on, creditors auctioned off the film’s assets and all associated rights to Fireman’s Fund Insurance Company.

In an article in Animation Magazine, “The Long, Strange Odyssey of Foodfight!,” Kasanoff was beyond gung ho on the project, saying, In terms of coming to have an independent digital animation studio making a digitally animated movie right now, I think we’re pretty much it. We’ve got the movie, we’ve got the property, the place, the equipment, the talent, we’re there. Do we believe our next film, Foodfight!, is going to be a huge hit? Of course we do! We think it’s great. We’ve gotten a fantastic response to it. I’ve told people all over the world, and we’re getting a uniform reaction to it. We’re betting a ton that it’s going to be a great movie. We’re risking more on this movie than any other venture I’ve ever been involved in in my life. Every studio but one offered us a deal on the movie, but for us as producers, not for us as the animation studio. We’re never going to be the next Pixar, being for-hire producers with some other shop.”

Before the rights were sold, the hard drives holding this movie disappeared. Industrial espionage was claimed. In 2012, it was released on DVD and on demand in Europe.

So those are the facts. Here’s another one: this movie is weird.

Weird because none of the corporate mascots paid to be in this. They allowed the film to use them, but no one made money. And yet this feels like a sell-out film. And they’re barely in the movie, despite being all over the poster. Somehow, some execs got worried and pulled their characters, like Cheetos’ Chester Cheetah, the Coca-Cola Polar Bears, Count Chocula, the M&Ms (the animators had “mistakenly rendered the Green M&M, a female mascot, as male within the footage shown to company representative”) and cereal mascots like Sugar Bear, Lucky the Leprechaun, the Trix Rabbit, Cap’n Cruch, Sonny from Cocoa Puffs and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee.

It all takes place in Marketopolis, a grocery store that when the lights go down turns into a neo-noir film where Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen) and his partner Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady) protect other foods from criminals — and run a nightclub called the Copabanana, don’t fall in love — when Dex isn’t pining for his lost love Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff). There’s also the new Brand X, led by General X (Jerry Stiller) and Lady X (Eva Longoria), taking over the store, which is populated by the Energizer Bunny, Kid Cuisine and K.C. Penguin, Punchy from Hawaiian Punch, Mr. Clean, Twinkie the Kid, Mrs. Butterworth (Edie McClurg), the Vlasic Stork, Charlie the Tuna (Jeff Bergman), The California Raisins, Tootsie the Owl and Mr. Bubble. These characters are Ikes, or icons, and when they die, their brands die. Someone is killing Ikes — this is a kid’s movie, but has a cartoon cat played by Harvey Fierstein be Harvey Fierstein and a joke from Midnight Cowboy, not to mention the “La Marseillaise” sequence from Jean Renoir’s La Grande Illusion being parodied (thanks as always to my guiding light when it comes to writing things like this, Nathan Rubin) — and there’s a secret plot that’s not all so secret.

This is a movie with Larry Miller playing Vlad Chocool, a chocolate cereal vampire bat who has a forbidden love for Daredevil Dan (this is them getting back at General Mills for not allowed Count Chocula out to play); Chris Kattan as Polar Penguin; Ed Asner as the old guy who runs the grocery store; Cloris Leachman as the Brand X Lunch Lady and Christopher Lloyd as the voice of Brand X.

According to comments made by animators, Kasanoff didn’t seem to realize the difference between live-action and animation, often demanding retakes and notes like “make this more awesome.” He also insisted on bringing his dogs to the studio, one of which was said to be a nightmare. He also reportedly asked for a personal nude 3D render of Lady X, which he would keep and admire.

Either the animation was unfinished in this or that’s how bad it is, a movie that wants to be a tough gumshoe film yet is a movie for kids but filled with outright unpaid product placement and sold off to Europe, who didn’t have most of these characters — or may outright hate them, like Chef Boyaredee — where no one wanted to watch it.

How did this get made?

Why did this get made?

It’s still better than Sausage Party.

You can watch this on YouTube.

To learn even more, watch ROTTEN: Behind the Foodfight!

Sizzlin’ Summer of Side-Splitters 2025: A Fool and His Money (2012)

July 21-27 Eddie Griffin Week: This motherfucker is funny!

When I was a little kid, I would often see ads late at night for touring black plays that were coming to churches and community centers, usually starring my favorite actors from Good Times or What’s Happening? I would ask my parents if we could go, and I didn’t understand that this was an experience maybe not for a 7-year-old white kid from the sticks. I still wish I had gon, and this movie proves I would have loved it.

Directed and written by David E. Talbert, this has a logline that made me tune in: “When the blue-collar Jordan family wins a radio contest for a million dollars, they quickly begin to realize that more money means more problems. It seems everybody wants a piece of their new fortune, including a long-lost uncle played masterfully by comedian Eddie Griffin.”

Then again, this IMDB reviewer did not enjoy this: “The story moved extremely slowly. The jokes were mediocre, and the storyline was just so-so. Even so, I will continue to support black playwrights, artists & businesses.”

At least they’re supportive!

There was also a 10/10 review that stated, “If you have an hour and forty minutes to waste, this is OK”, and another 9/10 review that claimed, “For reviews of theatrical singing only.”

Not high praise.

Anyways, the Jordan family is struggling. The factory has closed, leaving the father jobless. His wife is ready to leave him, the son is trying to help out by becoming a gangster, and the daughter is dating the gangster, only for her soldier ex-boyfriend to come home. Only grandma is happy, because all she does is go to church and sing her songs. As for Uncle Eddie (Eddie Griffin), he was once in trouble but seems to have turned his life around, even if no one believes it.

Money changes everything, as they say, but as they also say, more money, more problems. As you can imagine, everything works out fine in the end. It feels like the play where you kind of had to be there, and the movie really isn’t. I worry that people might think I’m enjoying this inauthentically. Still, as a long-time lover of shows like Soul Train and Showtime at the Apollo , which aired during the mid-afternoon on weekends and at night, I would be, with all my heart, singing along and laughing.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Two movies called Midnight Cabaret (1990 and 2012)

Midnight Cabaret (1990): Directed and co-written by Pece Dingo, this movie has the kind of cast that I look for, which includes former member of Detective and MacGyver enemy Michael Des Barres and Thom Mathews (Tommy Jarvis!).

This is a musical, strange theatrical play, a Satanic movie, an erotic thriller and a giallo-adjacent — you know, the Italian movies where you have no idea what else to call them, so you say that they’re giallo — film all thrown into a shaker with ice, then covered with bongwater and grain alcohol.

It’s Euro-trash but made at home; like how tariffs will someday soon cause the finest in Euroscum movies to cost too much, except we can never make them at home this good. That said, this tries and often looks like an old music video while it’s throwing vampires with straight razors, a cult that wants to impregnate an actress with the Antichrist and moments that feel sexually ambiguous. It’s something. Whether that something is good is up to you.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Midnight Cabaret (2012): As I was looking for the former movie, I discovered this on YouTube and was so far into it before I realized it was a different movie that I just went with things.

Directed by Donna R. Clark, who wrote it with Peter C. Foster, this is the story of Adam (Brad Hilton), a young man struggling to find acceptance and definitely not getting help in his hometown, where he remembers being bullied at home and at school, his mother killing herself and his brother Todd (Jason Mac) going to prison. Now, he becomes inspired by a drag queen named Eve (Elexius Kelly) and becomes a performer at the Midnight Cabaret, finding a world of drugs, crime and who he is inside.

There’s something in this, a movie that feels trapped in digital video but wanting to break free. I don’t know who it’s for, as there are so many gay slurs that it may turn off those it needs to reach most. But otherwise, it wasn’t an unwelcome watch.

You can watch this on YouTube.

SEVERIN 4K UHD RELEASE: Antiviral (2012)

Syd March (Caleb Landry Jones) is a salesman for The Lucas Clinic, a company that takes infections from celebrities and sells them to their fans. Yes, it’s possible to get sick from your obsessions or even eat meat harvested from their cells.

Hannah Geist (Sarah Gadon) is the company’s most famous celebrity, and her pathogens remain big sellers as her health falters. When her exclusive procurer, Derek Lessing (Reid Morgan), is fired, Syd takes over. Yet, he’s already in over his head as he’s been using his own body to carry a variety of illnesses, including one that he’s injected from Hannah that causes a series of hallucinations. He intends to sell the sickness to Arvid (Jon Pingue), whose butcher company, Astral Bodies, sells meat from human cells. But when he loses his laptop and Hannah dies from the same illness in his bloodstream, he must find out who has created a new sickness that no one can classify.

Malcolm McDowell is Dr. Abendroth, Hannah’s personal doctor and a man who has grafted her skin onto his body. There’s also the rival company Vole & Tesser, which is fighting The Lucas Clinic to be the leader in celebrity contagion.

While I wasn’t a fan of the young Cronenberg films, I enjoyed this. It has such a great concept and feels like the closest we’ve had to an ancient future movie in some time, such as the ’90s and ’00s weirdness of movies like Freejack and Paycheck, but much better. It’s a world that I wish there were more movies inside, a strange and downbeat yet weirdly hopeful slice of biomechanical celebrity worship.

The Severin release of Antiviral is scanned in 4K from the 35mm protection internegative, supervised by Brandon Cronenberg and cinematographer Karim Hussain, with 3 hours of new and archival special features including commentary by Cronenberg and Hussain; Broken Tulips, a short film by Cronenberg; a making of feature; a discussion of the restoration process; deleted scenes; an interview with production designer Arvinder Greywal; an electronic press kit; the Cannes cut of the film with an introduction by Cronenberg and a thermal camera test. You can get this from Severin

The Wall (2012)

Directed and written by Julian Pölsler and based on Marlen Haushofer’s The Wall, this follows a woman (Martina Gedeck) who goes to the Austrian Alps hunting lodge of her friends Hugo and Luise. Somehow, she is cut off from all human contact when an invisible wall suddenly appears. She adopts her friend’s dog, Lynx, and learns just how strong she is when all alone in the world.

By the end of the film, she feels born again and just when you think that there’s a message in this, a man appears and kills one of her cows and — spoiler warning but I hated this — her dog. She shoots him, throws him off a cliff and buries Lynx. Why?

I wanted to like this more than I did. I love the slow-moving story and the way that it was shot. And yes, I understand the circle of life and that animals must die (a cat also dies in a windstorm). But the ending feels unnecessarily cruel. Maybe that’s the story, and this has no moral. Everything is left up to you, even the idea of the wall and what happens next. Maybe I’m an idealist, and I’d like to remember the woman, her cow, her cat and the dog making their yearly trip in spring to live on a mountain in happiness rather than the gory and nonsensical close.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Kiss of the Damned (2012)

Directed and written by Xan Cassavetes, the daughter of John Cassavetes and Gena Rowlands, Kiss of the Vampire is a simple story told beyond well. Djuna (Josephine de La Baume) is a vampire who translates for a living and only drinks animal blood. She tries to stay away from humans, but movie writer Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia) falls for her when he sees her in a video store. He can’t stay away, no matter how much she pushes him away, so when she reveals her vampire side to him, he quickly is turned and becomes part of her world.

The bad news? Her world includes her sister Mimi (Roxane Mesquida), who quickly ruins the vampiric high society led by actress Xenia (Anna Mouglalis) as she murders humans without a thought and seducing both Paolo with her body and Xenia by offering her a fan of hers (Riley Keough).

The good news? Vampire familiars always take care of things. In this case, Irene (Ching Valdes-Aran) watches Mimi explode in the sunlight and lights a cigarette from her.

I liked how this movie presents a world where vampires are part of society. Most of all, I loved that this is closer to 70s Eurohorror — if this had a grandfather clock or a scene on a foggy beach with a pirate ship, I’d think it was a Jean Rollin movie — than anything Hollywood has to say about the living dead. Sure, it’s arty and even overly full of itself, but it has a hot redhead vampire who watches movies by Bunuel and De Sica, not to mention a great soundtrack. I’m sure that so many people watched this for artistic reasons, but if you watch it because it’s actually sleazy, filled with pretty people and has so much sex in it, I won’t be upset.

As always, the line between the arthouse and grindhouse is thin.

You can watch this on Tubi.

JESS FRANCO MONTH: La cripta de las condenadas 2 (2012)

I can hear you thinking—if you even care about Jess Franco’s very late period shot on digital video in a hotel room era—”Didn’t you already talk about La cripta de las condenadas?” Yes, I did. Yes, I referred to The Crypt of the Damned as “Jess Franco in one or two rooms watching women writhe around and zoom in and out of their curves for 90 minutes or so.”

This has the same cast: writer and cinematographer Fata Morgana (she also made Montes de Venus with Franco), Carmen Montes from Snakewoman, Eva Palmer from Jess Franco’s Perversion and actresses whose careers were in these two movies: Marta Simoes, Olivia Deveraux and María Traven.

This is supposed to be a hundred years after the first movie, but it’s the same idea other than images of a cemetery. Was Jess learning from 1990s VCA who would take one movie — Party Doll-A-Go-Go, for example — and break it down into two parts, even though it didn’t need to be?

There’s music by Daniel J. White, alongside Bach and Ravel. This is basically Jess getting to film nude women and then crawling all over his apartment, then selling it,t probably based on his name. But who are we to deny him the ability to see and film women, much less get the most out of the zoom feature? Are we to do as we always do and add to the blank slate that is a Jess Franco movie and find some meaning, some profound lesson here? I don’t think this is for getting off. It’s too slow, too moody, too strange. But hey, whatever gets you there, I guess. Some old people make home movies of their grandchildren, Jess Franco studies labias. Such is life. Is it a bad time to watch women kiss? If that’s boring to you, perhaps Franco’s entire work — point to the sign: you must watch every Franco movie to understand Franco — is not for you.