I watched Blind Warrior because the poster art is ripped off from The House by the Cemetery and that act of theft is perfect, because this is an Indonesian martial arts movie and that’s an Italian gore epic and that seems like worlds apart yet united.
Based on the comic book by Ganes TH, this same story has been filmed several times. There’s the 1970 movie The Blind from the Cave of Ghosts, 1972’s Mystery at Borobudur, 1977’s Lost Heaven, 1988’s Rise of the Angel Eyes, 1990’s Valley of Death, TV series that were made in 1993, 2003, 2012 and 2020.
Raden Parna, a rich and ruthless man, has forced Sarimbi by force to be his wife. Barda Mandrawata, The Blind Man from the Ghost Cave, passes through Raden’s village and gets involved, but Raden places him into Earth Underbelly Hell, a place from which no one can escape. Yet as Darimbi’s sister gathers other warriors and gods to help her, he walks out of hell and wipes out Raden and all of his followers.
Only through cutting people’s heads off can we find peace seems to be the moral of this story, but I also took a whole bunch of edibles and watched this at 4 AM on a Saturday night. I don’t want to advocate drug use to impressionable readers, but I have to tell you, feeling extreme euphoric bliss and the physical elation of floating while watching blind warriors straight up decimate people is something kind of like a religious mania. Now I know why that warning label was on the package: Clear your schedule because ingesting edible cannabis has long-lasting effects.
Mostly edited from the Korean movie Muin (The Warrior), this movie has no one named Konan. It does have Eagle, the hero of this story, and it is not afraid at all to rip off from Lone Wolf and Cub.
Directed by Ki-pung Choi but also remixed into maniacal unclarity by IFD, this has their white man ninjas who wear headbands that just say ninja in case you wonder, “Are they ninjas?”
Anyways, Eagle — he’s also called You-seong — takes a bloody journey to Mongolia in search of General Yong Tae-san, the man who destroyed his family and kidnapped his fiancee Su-ruin. There’s also a Mexican comedy relief character who is doing a Cheech impersonation which seems to not match the world or the time that this movie takes place in, but neither do screenprinted ninja headbands, so really any complaints that I have are moot.
Actually, I have no complaints. This is like an hour of violence and a dude’s hand gets chopped off. That’s all I need.
Directed and co-written by John Drimmer, who wrote it with Geoffrey Loftus from a story by Donald Olson, this stars Jessica Harper — who must wonder why she keeps being in cult shows that only I care about. I mean, yes, everyone loves Suspiria, but also Phantom of the Paradise, Shock Treatmentand Pennies from Heaven? — as Prudence, a depressed woman who can’t stop crying and her relationship with Ambrose Cavender (Victor Garber, one of those actors who is just about everything and you can never place them), a man who collects her tears.
So many of the reviews online hate this episode because it’s not really horror. That’s why I liked it, as beyond being well-filmed, it’s also a meditation on the true darkest side of life, being all about depression and loneliness.
Directed by Richard Friedman (Scared Stiff, Doom Asylum, Phantom of the Mall) and written by Michael McDowell (Beetlejuice) and Dennis Schuetz, “Answer Me” is nearly a one room, one person episode, as Joan Matlin (Jean Marsh, Return to Oz, Willow) is an actress who is jet lagged by a London to New York City flight and trying to get sleep before an audition the next day. The phone never stops ringing in another apartment and she slowly goes insane from all of the noise.
Yet when she looks inside, no one is there. That’s pretty much the whole episode until the conclusion, which is how most episodes of this show work out, right? That said, this one has decent acting and when you only have a bit more than twenty minutes, it doesn’t wear out its welcome. I often wonder why so many of these episodes have unlikeable protagonists. I guess in the 80s, no one was all that likeable.
Directed by Terence Calahan — his only IMDB directorial credit — and written by Tom Allen (story consultant for this entire series and Monsters, which was dedicated to his memory) and Howard Smit, this episode is all about hairdresser Anne MacColl (Carol Kane!) fighting teacher Abe North (Bud Cort!) for a winning lottery ticket for the Jack-Pot-Arama.
Abe had used magic to use ticket 666.666.to win, even calling the dean of his school and offending him to the point that he can’t ever get his job back. The problem? Well, the real winning ticket was number 666.667, owned by Anne. He tries to bully her with his magical powers without realizing that her bird isn’t named Lou, it’s truly Lucifer and that she has powers beyond what he can understand.
Oh well — another comedy episode of Tales from the Darkside. At least Kane and Cort are great at what they do. I prefer when the show is more in the horror genre, but what can you do? It’s only twenty minutes and isn’t poorly made.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This movie is really Heaven Help Us, which wasn’t produced by Cannon but was released under the name Catholic Boys in Germany by Cannon Screen Entertainment.
Heaven Help Us was originally written in 1978 as a masters thesis by NYU student Charles Purpura who based it on his childhood in Catholic schools. Purpura soon dropped out of NYU and was fired from his job at a lithography shop for organizing a union. To make things worse, he was denied unemployment benefits because his nighttime screenwriting was considered potentially lucrative. He filed for bankruptcy, borrowed some money and left America for India. As for its director, Michael Dinner, he had once been a singer-songwriter and recording artist for Fantasy Records.
The film is an episodic story of the lives of Catholic boys in the at times brutal St. Basil’s. Michael Dunn (Andrew McCarthy) and his sister Boo have been sent to Brooklyn to live with their Irish-Catholic grandparents, who want Michael to fulfill his parent’s dream of him being a priest. He soon becomes friends with the overweight Caesar (Malcolm Danare) and has to deal with that student’s personal nemesis, Ed Rooney (Kevin Dillon).
Complicating that priestly dream is a relationship with Danni (Mary Stuart Masterson) and the misadventures the boys get into once Caesar and Rooney become friends. This brings them into conflict with the discipline of Brother Constance (Jay Patterson) and the somewhat bemused brothers Thaddeus and Timothy (Donald Sutherland and John Heard). And hey — there’s also Wallace Shawn as Father Abruzzi.
McCarthy said that he felt this was probably the best movie he made in the 80s even if only “about twelve people saw it.”
Oh man — I forgot that Larry “Bud” Melman is in this!
EDITOR’S NOTE: This originally ran on October 30, 2021. Legend was not produced by Cannon but was released on video in the UK by Cannon Screen Entertainment Limited.
This Ridley Scott movie has always stood out from his other work to me, as it’s quite literally a children’s story about the most archetypical battle between the good of Jack (Tom Cruise) and evil of the Lord of Darkness (Tim Curry).
Much like how the original fairy tales were incredibly dark, this movie is filled with morbid imagery and a villain that may overwhelm viewers, making them love him more than the protagonist.
The death of the unicorn in this film is a moment that many 1980’s children will remember as quite possibly the end of said childhood. The true star of this movie remains Curry, who is absolutely incredible (as always). He spent five and a half hours a day just to get into the makeup, which then needed a full hour of bathing to remove all the adhesive. One day, Curry grew impatient and claustrophobic, removing the makeup and some of his own skin. He was off the film for a week to recover.
Interestingly enough, the European and director’s cut of this film don’t use Tangerine Dream, but instead feature music by Jerry Goldsmith. There was also a Bryan Ferry song, “Is Your Love Strong Enough?” that features Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour and a music video for that as well.
If you look in Meg Mucklebones’ swamp and when the unicorn is chained up, you can even spot Pazuzu from The Exorcist. Much like many of Scott’s Blade Runner, this movie wasn’t considered a classic when it was released. But today? It totally is.
You can listen to The Cannon Canon episode about this film, click here.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was first on the site on November 19, 2020. The Atlantis Interceptors was obviously not produced by Cannon, but they did release it in Germany on the Cannon Screen Entertainment label.
This is the first VHS tape I ever rented. It was 1983. Prime Time Video had just opened. And the tape box promised delights we’d never dreamt of before. I was thinking this was going to be the best parts of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Mad Max. And wow, was I disappointed. But how would I feel 35 years later?
After trying to raise a Russian sub, the descendants of Atlantis attack our heroes, but they look a whole lot like punk bikers from an Italian post-apocalyptic movie. Which they totally are. Our heroes have to uncover the secret of Atlantis and stop them before they take over the world.
Christopher Connelly is Mike, our main hero. You may recognize him from Benjior TV’s Peyton Place. Or more likely, you know him from Manhattan Babyor 1990: The Bronx Warriors.
Plus, there’s Gioia Scola (Conquest), Tony King (The Toy), Stefano Mingardo (Blastfighter), George Hilton (The Case of the Bloody Iris), Ivan Rassimov (need I regale you with my love of his films?) and a young Michele Soavi before he became a director!
I’ll be super honest. This movie is a complete piece of shit. There are moments of greatness, such as whenever Crystal Skull appears or when a corpse keeps turning a jukebox off and on. I wanted to love this movie as a child and I wanted to love it even more as an adult. But sadly, that love never filled my heart.
There are people that love this film. And I get it. I like Ruggero Deodato. I just can’t get into this movie.
Henry and Elinor Colander (Mario Roccuzzo and Alice Ghostley) are making a special meal for their 25th anniversary. Yet they still have a place at the table for Sybil (Fredrica Duke), a girl they’ve just met who has broken up with her boyfriend Mark (Michael Cedar).
Directed by John Strysik and written by James Houghton, this was based on a story by D.J. Pass that originally was printed in Twilight Zone magazine. Obviously, you can tell the direction that this is all heading as soon as it starts, but it’s still a pretty solid episode that doesn’t descend into the silliness that some Darkside entries get into.
Ghostley’s acting makes this episode. If it was filmed today, they would probably lean in more toward the idea that the old couple doesn’t want children but a young woman to spice up their sex lives. But hey — it was 1985. That certainly happened, but it wasn’t as prevalent as the internet allows us to believe.
Look — if you’re hiking with your abusive partner and suddenly a nice couple wants you to get into the jacuzzi in a room full of animal heads, don’t. Just don’t.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Red Sonja was not produced by Cannon but was released on video in the UK by Cannon/Warner Home Video.
I am sorry, Red Sonja. For years, I have doubted you. Surely you cannot be as good as Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer. You have to be a weaker sister, I always thought, so I avoided you.
I was wrong. So wrong.
Today, dear reader, I am here to tell you that while this film is not as good as the first two Conan romps, it’s still an astounding sword and sorcery adventure filled with plenty of great effects, well-shot battles and a cast of some of my favorite actors.
Oddly enough, Red Sonja may be owned by the Robert E. Howard estate, but the character itself was really created by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, who used Howard’s Red Sonya of Rogatino as inspiration. But man, those 70’s Conan comics were monsters and people fell in love with the idea that Sonja could be as tough as Conan and had promised the goddess Scáthach that in exchange for heightened strength, stamina, agility and fighting skills that she would never lie with a man until he could defeat her in fair combat.
Let’s not debate how the survivor of sexual assault must pretty much get beat up to enjoy lovemaking, because that’s the kind of complex argument that won’t be solved inside a movie that’s really about stabbing people. I’m not saying it’s an important discussion to have, but I’m an expert in exploitation movies, not humanity.
Directed by Richard Fleischer, whose career goes from the heights of Soylent Green and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea to the depths of The Jazz Singerand Amityville 3-D — not to mention Mandingo — this moves quick, looks good and is just plain fun.
After surviving the death of her family and being attacked by the soldiers of Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman*, who seems to relish the opportunity to play a villain instead of the female sidekick), Sonja trains to become a legendary warrior.
Meanwhile, her sister Varna (Janet Agren, Hands of Steel, City of the Living Dead) has become a priestess in an order of women who plan on banishing the Talisman, which created the world but could now destroy it. If any man touches it, he disappears, so of course Gedren wants to use it for her own ends. Led by Ikol (Ronald Lacey, Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark), her army kills the priestesses and takes the Talisman for their queen.
Lord Kalidor** (Arnold Schwarzenegger) finds Varna and brings Sonja to her, where she learns of the Talisman and how she can kill two birds with one stone by destroying it and Gedren. Her adventures take her to meet Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr.), a young king of a land destroyed by Gedren, and his bodyguard Falkon (Paul L. Smith, who was the handyman in Pieces and Bluto in Popeye). She also defeats the ominous Lord Brytag (Pat Roach, the former pro wrestler who shows up as a major bad guy in so many movies, from the mechanic that Indiana Jones knocks into a Flying Wing in Raiders of the Lost Ark to Hephaestus in Clash of the Titans, Toth-Amon in Conan the Destroyerand General Kael in Willow) before an awesome duel with Kalidor for the right to aardvark*** and then another battle against Gedren as her castle explodes with lava flowing everywhere.
Speaking of that great cast, this also has a third Indiana Jones alumni, Terry Richards, who played the Arabian swordsman that Indy so memorable shot after a long flourish of sword swinging. Plus, Tutte Lemkow, best known as the Fiddler on the Roof is a wizard and The Swordmaster that trains Sonja is Tad Horino, who was also Confucius in Bill and Red’s Bogus Journey. Erik Holmey, who played the soldier who asked “What is best in life?”, and replied, “The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair!” is in this. And of course, Arnold’s buddy Sven-Ole Thorsen shows up.
Plus, how can you be let down by an Ennio Morricone score?
Again, I’m sorry, Red Sonja. You’re actually pretty darn good.
*Bergman was offered the role of Red Sonja, but turned it down, choosing instead to play Queen Gedren. Producer Dino De Laurentiis met with actress Laurene Landon and was set to offer her the role until he learned that she had pretty much already played the same part in Hundra. He spent a year looking for an actress who looked like an Amazon, almost picking Eileen Davidson (The House On Sorority Row) before discovering Brigitte Nielsen on the cover of a magazine.
**There’s a fan theory that Kalidor is really Conan, as some heroes would use “adventuring names” while they were in other counties, like how Gandalf was also known as Mithrandir. De Laurentiis didn’t have the rights to use Conan again, which explains this financially. Speaking of money, Arnold signed up for a cameo as a favor to the producer, but one week turned into four and when he saw a rough cut of the movie, he realized that he was really a co-star. This is why he terminated his 10-year deal with De Laurentiis.
***They totally did, for real, according to Arnold in his book Total Recall – My Unbelievably True Life Story. Neilsen confirmed this in her book You Only Get One Life, saying that they had “no restrictions” in their lovemaking. You know, while some of us debated whether Stallone or Schwarzenegger was the best action hero, Neisen had Biblical knowledge.
B&S About Movies 
You must be logged in to post a comment.