Bogie (1980)

I have a big weakness for made for TV biopics, often because they’re rarely good and yet that keeps me coming back to them. The blame lies at the feet of the multiple tabloids my grandmother subscribed to as I learned about Liz’s sad last days, Liberace and Rock Hudson’s watermelon diet and who was beating who, who was doing drugs and who was getting surgery.

Based on Joe Hyams’ 1966 novel, Bogie: The Biography of Humphrey Bogart, this stars Kevin O’Connor as Humphrey Bogart, who was my father’s favorite actor. O’Connor has an interesting list of credits, like playing Irijah in The Passover Plot and Woody in Let’s Scare Jessica to Death.

In the roles of the two loves of his life are Ann Wedgeworth (Aunt Fern from Steel Magnolias) as Mayo Methot and Kathryn Harrold (Raw Deal) as Lauren Bacall.

Director Vincent Sherman made The Return of Dr. XAll Through the NightCrime SchoolAcross the Pacific and King of the Underworld with Bogie and writer Daniel Taradash wrote Knock on Any Door, so they knew that man. It’s hard to say if this was right, because it seems like it tries to get in so much in such a short time. The transitions where it shows Bogart in his many roles seem like something out of pictures you would get in a Wild West saloon at a theme park. Nothing feels authentic. Much of the film is O’Connor mugging for the camera and trying to get his face to look like the star.

You can spot a young Drew Barrymore as Bogie’s daughter Leslie.

When asked about the movie, his widow Lauren Bacall said, It’s a bunch of crap, and there’s no way to stop it. It’s a crock, unadulterated garbage, and it’s untrue. They’re just going to use him. Jesus, there’s no creativity left in the world. People will do anything for money. Anything.”

Oddly enough, both Bogart and O’Connor died from cancer.

You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK THE SWINGIN’ SEVENTIES: Border Cop (1980)

Directed by Christopher Leitch (the director of Teen Wolf Too and the writer of Universal Soldier) and written by Michael Allin (Flash GordonTruck Turner), this has Telly Savalas as border patrolman Frank Cooper.

Cooper has to balance doing his duty and empathizing with the illegal Mexican border jumpers. He also has to deal with his corrupt boss Moffat (Eddie Albert), who deals with coyote Suarez (Michael V. Gazzo), as well as protect a young Mexican man by the name of Benito Romero (De La Paz), who is on the other side of the border working in a slaughterhouse.

It’s not the quickest movie but as always, Telly Savalas makes any movie that much better by being in it. There’s nothing like hearing him say a line like, “Compassion? If I had compassion I’d stick a .357 up your ass and blow your brains out!”

Don’t have the box set? You can watch this on YouTube.

2023 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 16: The Chain Reaction (1980)

16. OZPLOITATION: Maximize your wander with some thunder from down yonder.

Director and writer Ian Barry made this Australian film that has a lot of the cast and crew from Mad Max, including Mel Gibson appearing as a blink and you miss him mechanic* and George Miller serving as associate producer and filming the car chase scenes. They didn’t hide that this movie had ties to that film as the tagline was “Mad Max meets The China Syndrome.”

An earthquake causes a dangerous leak at a nuclear waste plant known as WALDO (Western Atomic Longterm Dumping Organisation). Heinrich Schmidt (Ross Thompson), an engineer near-death after the incident, is trying to warn people that the groundwater will be contaminated. He’s rescued by a married couple on vacation, Larry (Steve Bisley, Jim Goose from Mad Max) and Carmel Stilson (Arna-Maria Winchester).

Toss in an electronic score by Andrew Thomas Wilson and bad guy costumes that look like they came from The Crazies and you have an Australian film perfect for the drive-in.

*Hugh Keays-Byrne, Roger Ward, Tim Burns and David Bracks are also in this.

 

USA UP ALL NIGHT MONTH: Airplane (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Airplane was on USA Up All Night on March 12, 1994 along with Airplane II.

If you combined Zero Hour! with Airport 1975, you get Airplane, a movie that changed lives. Seriously.

The ZAZ team — Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams and David Zucker — were part of the Kentucky Fried Theater and they’d often record late night TV and watch the tapes to get ideas. They recorded Zero Hour!  and thought that it was the perfect structure for them to do jokes around. Originally calling the movie The Late Show, their script borrowed so much got the rights to create the remake from Warner Bros. and Paramount for about $2,500.  They couldn’t get it sold but learned how to make movies when they made The Kentucky Fried Movie with John Landis.

Eventually, the script found its way to Paramount through Michael Eisner. They made the ZAZ team shoot it in color instead of black and white and on a jet instead of a plane. If they followed those rules, they would be allowed to cast serious actors for the film rather than comedy performers.

The ZAZ casting is what changed lives. Or careers, really.

David Zucker said, “The trick was to cast actors like Robert Stack, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Graves and Lloyd Bridges. These were people who, up to that time, had never done comedy. We thought they were much funnier than the comedians of that time were.”

It wasn’t easy. To get Stack to play the role the way they wanted, they showed him a tape of John Byner impersonating the actor, so in effect, Stack was doing an impression of John Byner doing an impression of Stack. While Bridges’ children advised him to take the part, Graves rejected the script at first, as he thought so much of it was tasteless.

As for Neilsen, his career has been serious leading roles but he wanted to work in comedy forever. He was just looking for a film to help in the transition. For years, he had pranked actors with a fart machine on set and he took to being in the film quite well. He’s lucky Christopher Lee turned the role down to be in 1941.

That’s why this movie works. No one is acting like it’s a comedy, no matter how ridiculous it gets. Even the Elmer Bernstein score gets the joke and plays its part.

It’d be stupid to just recount the movie and every joke, but let me tell you, this is a movie I can watch from any point and just not be able to stop watching. I think I watched it hundreds of times as a kid and my love of stupid humor comes from this. Any time Stephen Stucker was on screen, I’d laugh like a maniac, the same as everything Bridges does.

In fact, my love of the original Airport movies comes directly from how much I adore this movie.

USA UP ALL NIGHT MONTH: Friday the 13th (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Friday the 13th was on USA Up All Night on August 13, 1993 and May 13, 1994.

After the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween, every studio wanted a piece of the horror pie, which to this point had been exploitation fodder. Paramount Pictures was first. Sure, critics salvaged the film, but after $40 million in profit, no one really cared.

Produced and directed by Sean S. Cunningham (Last House on the Left), this movie was envisioned as a roller coaster ride. The script came from Victor Miller, a soap opera scribe. And spoilers — but this movie doesn’t even really have Jason in it!

The movie starts in the summer of 1958 at Camp Crystal Lake, where two counselors sneak off and have sex before being killed. This sets up one of the many rules of slasher films: never fuck in the woods.

The camp closes for 21 years, but on Friday, June 13, 1979, that’s all about to change. That said, no one in the town wants it to happen. When Annie Phillips arrives in town, everyone treats her strangely or acts like Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney, who shows up in the next film and was the narrator for Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood). She lasts for about five minutes, as she gets killed after her third hitchhike of the day. I’d say this is more of a warning against hitching in the late 1970s than I would serial killers in the woods.

The other counselors — Jack (Kevin Bacon!), Ned, Bill (Harry Crosby III, son of Bing), Marcie, Alice and Brenda (Laurie Bartram, The House of Seven Corpses) — and owner Steve Christy all show up to get the camp ready. This is where you’ll notice just how different fashion is. Becca and I have seen this live several times in a theater now and everyone laughs as soon as Steve shows up in his short shorts and bandana.

Ned is killed pretty quickly, then Jack is killed with an arrow and Marcie takes an axe to the face. Brenda is murdered as she responds to the voice of a child. Steve gets killed on the way to camp. Before you know it, Alice and Bill are the only ones left, but Bill lasts pretty much seconds. Then we have another future slasher trope: every body is discovered, hung like trophies.

Now, we have our Final Girl: Alice, who ends up meeting Mrs. Vorhees, who tells the tale of how her son Jason drowned and the horrible counselors who allowed it to happen. Much like the giallo/pre-slasher film Torso, the movie now focuses on the battle between Alice and the real killer. Alice ends up beheading her and sleeping in a canoe. As the police arrive, she has a dream that Jason rises from the water to kill her. This scene wasn’t in the script, but special effects king Tom Savini thought a Carrie-like ending would be more powerful.

Another way that the film pays sort of homage to Italian filmmaking is in the snake scene. It was another Savini idea after an experience he had in his own cabin during filming. The snake in the scene? Totally real, including its on-screen death — someone alert Bruno Mattei!

Some trivia: the film was shot just outside Lou Reed’s farm. The rock star performed for the cast and even hung out with them! Sweet Jason?

To me, the film works because of how great Betsy Palmer is as Jason’s mom. It’s a fine film, but nowhere near the excesses that the series would grow into. This was also the start of critics really hating on slasher films. Gene Siskel was so upset about Betsy Palmer being in the film that he published her address in his column and encouraged people to write her and protest. Of course, he published the wrong address.

DRIVE-IN SUPER MONSTER RAMA PRIMER: Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This weekend is the Drive-In Super Monster-Rama! Get more info at the official Drive-In Super Monster-Rama Facebook page and get your tickets at the Riverside Drive-In’s webpage.

Did Roger Corman sit in a room screaming, “Make me more amphibian monster movies NOW!” into the telephone? Because this week, that’s the feeling that I’m getting. This time, Barbara Peeters got the call (Joe Dante turned this one down), although the final film was nothing like she wanted it to be and she tried — and failed — to get her name removed from the credits.

Fishermen catch what looks like a monster. Then, the son of one of them is dragged under the waves by an unseen beast. Another fisherman fires a flare gun that sets the whole boat on fire, killing everyone. Pre-credits, this movie is already meaner and better than most of what we’ve watched this week.

Jim Hill (Doug McClure, TV’s The Virginian) and his wife Carol (Cindy Weintraub, The Prowler) see the boat blow up and then their dog gets eaten (and his remains thrown up on their porch). So yeah. Things are off to quite the start.

Meanwhile, Jerry and Peggy (Lynn Schiller, Without Warning) are swimming and fooling around, but Jerry ends up torn apart and a fishman rapes the girl, causing the director to want to leave the picture. Seriously — they kept her name on the film. Time’s up, Roger Corman.

That scene is repeated with Billy (future ventriloquist David Strassman) and Becky, with yet another fish on female rape. All manner of folks are attacked, but Peggy somehow survives.

Meanwhile, Canco is opening their new canning operation in town. It turns out that the monsters that are fucking everyone to death are the result of Canco using HGH on salmon that were in turn eaten by larger fish who then turned into humanoids. From the deep? Yes. Humanoids from the Deep.

Luckily, Jim and Dr. Susan Drake are on the case. Their big plan? At the town’s fish fest, when the beasts attack, they dump gasoline in the lake and set it on fire. So not only is there no safe zone for women, fuck the environment, too. While all this is going on, Carol is attacked by two monsters but survives. Oh yeah! Vic Morrow is in this mess, too. And if you think Peggy is going to give birth to a fish baby, then you haven’t been watching this film.

Actress Ann Turkel chose to do this film — originally titled Beneath the Darkness — because: “It was an intelligent suspenseful science-fiction story with a basis in fact and no sex.” She was enraged as well at what the final film ended up being.

Corman remade this film for Showtime in 1996, with the sex and violence scaled down. That said, he of course reused the Salmon Festival footage for the remake. Why actually shoot something new?

Well, if you’re looking for a grimy, fishy film, this is it.

Won’t be at the drive-in? You can watch it on Tubi.

USA UP ALL NIGHT MONTH: Pinball Summer (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Pinball Summer aired on USA Up All Night but I can’t find the date!

Also known as Pick-Up Summer and Flipper Girls in Germany, this Canadian film comes after the Crown International beach movies and before Porky’s. Most of the action revolves around a place called Pete’s, an arcade that is hosting a pinball competition, which also has a Miss Pinball pageant, which I really hope was a thing at some point.

Speaking of movies leading to something more, director George Mihalka and cinematographer Rodney Gibbons would make My Bloody Valentine* after this, a movie that is much better remembered than this teen summer comedy that revolves around disco, burger joints, amusement parks and hijinks between a biker gang and our heroes over the pinball trophy.

Film Ventures International bought this for America and changed the name, thinking pinball was dead. It did pretty well and people didn’t even notice that it was made in Quebec and not California. It’s a pretty innocent movie when it comes to teen comedies.

*Helene Udy, who played Sylvia in that classic slasher, Thomas Kovacs, who played Mike, and Carl Malotte, who played Dave, are all in Pinball Summer as well.

USA UP ALL NIGHT MONTH: Clan of the White Lotus (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Clan of the White Lotus was on USA Up All Night on June 13, 1992.

It kind of blows my mind when a Shaw Brothers movie finds its way to USA Up All Night. Released as Fists of the White Lotus in the U.S., this is the sequel to Executioners from Shaolin (AKA Shaolin Executioners and Executioners of Death) and Abbot of Shaolin (AKA Shaolin Abbot and Slice of Death).

A white eyebrowed priest named Pai Mei battles brothers Hung Wei Ting (Gordon Liu) and Wu Ah Biu (King Lee King-Chu) and the fight costs him his life. However, Pai Met also had a brother, the monstrous White Lotus (Lo Lieh, who directed this movie) who shows up and murders Wu Ah Biu. Hung Wei Ting must study new techniques and learn how to fight a man who is stronger than anyone else in the world.

Perhaps the Tiger and Crane styles and more male-oriented martial arts can’t function against White Lotus. Hung Wei Ting is inspired by his sister-in-law Mei Ha (Kara Hui) to study her style, which she calls Embroidery Fist.

Now, two men who have lost their brothers to one another must finally face off in combat. This fight also involves acupuncture, which is almost the most awesome part of the Lau Kar Leung choreography but then I forgot that this has more nut punches than twp episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

DRIVE-IN MOVIE CLASSICS MONTH: Mama Dracula (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to Matthew Hale on Letterboxd, I’ve learned that there are alternate versions of this Mill Creek box set. For the sake of completeness and my obsessive compulsive disorder, here’s this missing movie.

Director Boris Szulzinger is best-known for the Tony Hedra-written science fiction cartoon for adults The Big Bang and Tarzan, Shame of the Jungle, the first foreign animated movie to be rated X in the United States.

A comedic retelling of the myth of Elizabeth Bathory, here known as Mama Dracula and played by Louise Fletcher. This is also written by Hedra, along with Szulzinger, Marc-Henri Wajnberg and Pierre Sterckx. Hedra was probably best known for his work with the National Lampoon, a series of parody magazines (Not the New York Times, Playboy: the Parody, The Irrational Inquirer and Not the Bible), being the editor-in-chief of Spy Magazine and co-creating, co-writing and co-producing Spitting Image. He was also Spinal Tap’s manager Ian Faith. The sad part of his legacy is that he was accused of molestation by his daughter Jessica. That said, the article about it that was published by The New York Times had no proof and was disputed by several people (and supported perhaps by just as many). It’s a stain on his career and life.

Back to the movie.

Professor Van Bloed (Jimmy Schuman) is brought to Transylvania as part of a special conference on blood research hosted by Countess Dracula. She also has twins who run a fashion boutique called Vamp. But the problem that Mama Dracula is having is that there aren’t enough virgin women to keep on bathing in their blood. She wants the scientist to create something to help her. He also falls for a local, Nancy Hawaii, who is played by Maria Schneider, who had survived the PTSD of making Last Tango In Paris, drug abuse and a suicide attempt to finally find some level of happiness by the early 80s, if being in movies with Klaus Kinski can be considered joy.

This movie has a bad reputation, one of it being barely watchable. I can confirm this yet I am amazed that somehow both Fletcher — an Oscar winner! —  and Schneider — a sex symbol on the comeback after walking out of her last big role in Caligula and probably that was the right call — are in it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK CHILLING CLASSICS MONTH: Virus (1980)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Thanks to Matthew Hale on Letterboxd, I’ve learned that there are alternate versions of this Mill Creek box set. For the sake of completeness and my obsessive compulsive disorder, here’s this missing movie.

If you’re depressed and home alone with COVID-19, I advise you in no way should you watch the 1980 Japanese movie Fukkatsu no Hi (Day of Resurrection). Directed by Kinji Fukasaku (Battles Without Honor or Humanity, Message from Space, Battle Royale) and taken from the book by Sakyo Komatsu. Two of that writer’s other books, Japan Sinks and Sayonara Jupiter became the movies Submersion of Japan and Bye Bye Jupiter.

Fukasaku took a Japan that had already dealt with the loss of World War II and being the only country to ever be nuked — twice — and created post-apocalyptic disaster films that allowed them to see the rest of the world deal with terrors like they did. It’s exploitation but in some ways, it also had to feel cathartic.

As I sniffle on the couch today, the victim of a plague in its who knows how many mutations, I don’t feel all that good about watching a movie about how a plague destroys humanity.

In 1982, East German scientist Dr. Krause and a group of Americans exchange MM88, a deadly virus that amplifies any virus or bacteria that it meets. It had been stolen from the U.S. and as it is being returned, the place crashes and causes a pandemic called the Italian Flu. This in no way feels like our life for the past few years.

Seven months is all it takes for the world to end. As President Richardson (Glenn Ford) and Senator Barkley (Robert Vaughn) die, they realize that the only way America can live is to move its authority to the sub-zero Palmer Station in Antarctica, a place where the cold has kept the virus from infecting the scientists from many countries who live there.

In a few years, Palmer Station becomes a melting pot of sorts where women consensually sleep with as many men as possible to repopulate the Earth. The only problem is that the Automated Reaction System designed by General Garland (Henry Silva) is set to nuke anyone that attacks the U.S., even if it’s an earthquake, so their little hidden paradise is about to be blown into space. That said, it seems as if a cure for the virus has been found.

The women and children and several hundred of the men are sent to safety aboard an icebreaker while Dr. Yoshizumi (Masao Kusakari) and Major Carter (Bo Svenson) take a sub to shut down the ARS after taking the experimental vaccine. In Washington, D.C., Carter dies in the rubble of a bunker where the missile system is. Yoshizumi contacts the Nereid and tells them to try to save themselves. He does say that the vaccine seems to have worked, “If that still matters.” “At this point in time, life still matters,” the captain replies.

The bombs hit and this is where the movie has different versions. In America, the screen goes to black and then credits. But in Japan, well, they still have hope. Yoshizumi survives the blast and walks back to Antarctica, taking years to get there, but finding the survivors and true love. He then says, “Life is wonderful.”

As every disaster movie should, this has a huge cast. More than those we named, there’s also Sonny Chiba, Kensaku Morita, Toshiyuki Nagashima, George Kennedy as the leader of Palmer Station, Chuck Connors, Olivia Hussey, Isao Natsuyagi, Edward James Olmos, Stuart Gillard and more.

Producer Haruki Kadokawa was the heir to a publishing empire. He entered the film business in the mid 70s with some high-profile features and thought that this movie would break his company into the international film marketplace. That’s why so many American stars are in it and it was called Virus. It was a huge flop and only played limited dates before being sold directly to cable. It was the most expensive Japanese film at the time it was made (a record that Fukasaku may have already had with Message from Space).

My favorite part in the entire movie is when Japan is falling into sickness and naked people are still in a disco, dancing and throwing up. That’s how you do the end of it all. I would have loved another movie that has the four-year walk that Yoshizumi takes from America to Antarctica.

The director’s cut on Tubi is massive and comes in at two hours and thirty-six depressing minutes. Every moment, I wonder if my throat will close and this virus will end me, and then I remember that it’s supposedly weaker now and I’m on meds, but man, MM88 is rough.

If this is my epitaph, let it be known that it was Guns ‘n Roses that finally killed me.

You can watch this on Tubi.