The racist language used by William Sanderson — yes the guy from TV’s Newhart — as he attacks a black family is probably why this movie ended up as a section 1 video nasty. I first discovered this movie thanks to Cinema Sewer, which is where I learned of many a disreputable film.

Sanderson plays Kane, a hate-fuelled racist who somehow has found it in his heart to break out with an Asian man and a Mexican fellow, so there’s that. They break into the home of kindly Ted Turner (Robert Judd, who was Scratch in the non-Britney Crossroads) and proceed to use every racist term in the book when they aren’t beating down the black family.

Director Robert A. Edelson refused to do a commentary track when this was re-released by Blue Underground but he was kind enough (I guess) to an interview in Steven Thrower’s Nightmare USA in which he re-watched the film with his maid Dorothy. So…yeah. He only made one other movie, The Filthiest Show in Town.

Much like how the old Mom and Dad theatrical showings used to divide up audiences, the marketing of this film had black and white versions, including the title Staying Alive that was just for black audiences and unique trailers for each race. There’s also a trailer that’s just a still photo with no sound at all for thirty seconds, then the title and rating. Wild.

Many of the video nasties seem quaint today, as you ask yourself, “Why did they ban this?” This is the kind of virulent piece of hate that wouldn’t even get near a screen these days. Sure, it ends up with the catharsis of seeing the criminals pay for all of the verbal and physical terror that they unleash, but man…getting there is none of the fun.

Shi da zhang men chuang Shao Lin (Shi, The Founder and Grandmaster of Shaolin) came to America under a bunch of titles: Fight for Survival, Fight for Shaolin Tamo Mystique, Lady Wu Tang, and Don’t Bleed on Me. And oh yes, the best title of all, Kung Fu Halloween.

Directed and written by Cheng Hou, this begins with ten martial arts masters stealing the books of Shaolin to learn all its secrets. At the same time, Shi Fu Chun (Polly Jean Kwan) has been demanding to be taught at the school and has been refused because she is a woman. A former teacher, Lin Chiu, shows them their lessons and tasks them with getting all ten books back. Along the way, she gets to throw her legs and arms out all stretch-style as if she were Dhalsim. Throw in an all gold monk, goofball helpers, a ton of animal kung fu styles and Shi Fu Chun becoming a man thanks to a style that must be negated with Negative Kung-Fu. The master has forgotten this style, so he fakes his own death, leaving our heroine stuck with a mustache for some of the movie. She also does the “pick up the blazing pot and get the dragon tattoo,” as if she were Caine on Kung-Fu. 

There are some negative reviews on this, as it takes some time to get going. Ignore those reviews. This has a tiger man, a happy-laughter ending that turns tragic, and, of course, Polly Jean Kwan being an ass-kicking instrument of martial violence. I really wish that this were ten movies, one for each book, and not just this one movie. If I were a kid, I’d be drawing comic books of this all day in school instead of paying attention. As it is, I’ll be doing the same thing except at work.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Growing up, the Saint Francis Hospital would always send people with mental issues to the fifth floor. I’ve had certain family members who would have semi-regular vacations to the fifth floor. It got to the point that whenever someone would discuss whether or not someone was acting strangely, they’d say, “Well, they’re on the fifth floor.”

This was going to be part of slasher month, except that it’s in no way a slasher. Of course, the poster work and other marketing makes it seem that way. It’s not. It’s much stranger.

Kelly McIntyre (Dianne Hull, cryonics enthusiast and an actress in Christmas Evil) is a disco dancer who gets dosed, probably by her boyfriend. This brings her to the fifth floor fo Cedar Springs Hospital, where her boyfriend refuses to help her, accusing her of being suicidal.

Kelly’s attractive, which means that she soon becomes the target of Carl the orderly. He’s played by Bo Hopkins, who I have had the fortune of watching several films with him in them of late. Here he’s out of control, a non-stop erection determined to ruin everyone’s life.

This movie is packed with faces you’ll remember, like Don Johnson’s ex-girlfriend and Warhol movie star Patti D’Arbanville, Cathey Paine (Helter Skelter), horror icons Michael Berryman and Robert Englund, Sharon Farrell (It’s Alive), Anthony James (the chauffeur from Burnt Offerings), Julie Adams Dennis Hopper’s The Last Movie and The Creature From the Black Lagoon), Mel Ferrer, John David Carson (Creature from Black Lake), Earl Boen (the only actor other than Arnold Schwarzenegger to appear in the first three Terminator films), Alice Nunn (Large Marge!), rock and roll photographer Chuck Boyd (who is also in the sexploitation film Dr. Minx and The Specialist, both from the same director of this movie), Machine Gun Kelly (who was the announcer in UHF), disco singer Patti Brooks (whose song “After Dark” was on the soundtrack of Thank God It’s Friday! and recorded two duets with Dan Aykroyd for Dr. Detroit), Milt Kogan (Barney Miller), 1961 Miss Universe Marlene Schmidt (who is in nearly every movie this director did) and Tracey Walter. Yes, Bob the Goon from Batman.

This star-studded journey into mental illness comes straight out of the mind of Howard Avedis, who brought us all manner of literally insane movies like Mortuary and They’re Playing with Fire, two movies that I recommend highly. He knows how to take a salacious topic and make it even smuttier, which I always adore. Well done, Howard (or Hikmet).

It might seem like a TV movie for a bit, then there’s full frontal nudity and you’ll feel safe, like a warm straitjacket has been put on you, allowing you to just lie back and enjoy the magical exploitation within.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Snakes on a submarine! Yes, imagine being sunk to the ocean floor, with reptilian beasts everywhere!

Directed by Russ Mayberry and written by Leslie Stevens, this idea is that seaman Compton (Frank Bonner) would purchase a bunch of poisonous snakes and then just set them loose in the claustrophobic confines of an undersea vessel. Is it ironic or just plain dumb universe magic that the sub is named the Fer-de-Lance?

David Janssen plays sub captain Russ, a man so tough that he keeps battling the snakes even during the credits! Ivan Dixon shows up, as he has in more than one movie I’ve watched this week. I see you, dude. And then there’s Hope Lange as one of the few women on this here sub.

Jason Evers, the doctor who made The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, is on hand. So is George Pan Andreas, who made one of the best vanity projects ever, Crime Killer. Sherry Boucher from Sisters of Death, you’re here too. Robert Ito, Professor Hijita from Buckaroo Banzai, and Sam Fujiyama from Quincy, M.E., appear, which gives me the opportunity to remind you that a mixed drink called the Quincy, M.E., is two Vicodin and an ounce of vodka. 

This moves at the glacial pace that I demand from a TV movie. It’s a perfect Sunday afternoon on the couch, take a nap, and it’s still on movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Shot in the summer of 1969 at Spahn Ranch, which was the home of the Manson Family at the time, The Female Bunch also has moments filmed at Hanksville and Capitol Reef in Utah as well as Las Vegas, Nevada. Adamson loved shooting outside. He must have loved every second of this movie.

All the bad men she’s dealt with leaves Sandy (Nesa Renet) wanting to end it all. Her friend Libby (Regina Carrol) takes her into the desert to meet Grace (Jennifer Bishop), who leads a gang of women that run drugs and use men.

This is the last movie of Lon Chaney Jr., filmed after Dracula vs. Frankenstein. His voice sounds painful, the result of throat cancer radiation treatments.  He plays Monti, an old Hollywood cowboy who is loyal to Grace. Kim Newman, who writes some great film reviews, wrote a short story about this movie, “Another Fish Story.” In this tale, Charles Manson is trying to using one of the Ancient Ones to destroy the world while Lon Chaney Jr. is given a mission in the desert that will keep The Family from bothering Adamson and crew.

To join this gang of women, you have to be buried alive in a coffin. I don’t know if I’d go that far, but if I got to hang out with Chaney and Russ Tamblyn, I may let you throw some dirt on my grave.