Crime Killer (1985)

George Pan Andreas — according to his IMDB bio — opened the West Coast Academy of Dramatic Arts (formerly the Pan Andreas Theatre) with Oscar winners Jack Lemmon, Richard Dreyfuss and Ginger Rogers (his godmother). He returned to film work in the early 2000s, forming his own production company, GPA Films International, which has produced films in which he starred: Crime Killer and The Matadors.

Pan Andreas was the director, writer, the editor, did stunts and was also the lead, Zeus, in this movie. Some of you may read that and wonder, “Can someone do all of those jobs and still make a good movie?” And others are salivating knowing that this is the kind of vanity project that delivers some majestic entertainment. You can become a real-estate developer and property owner with some money, but if you have dreams in Los Angeles, you can still make movies.

The film starts with a shootout where Zeus’ partner dies and tells him, “Don’t get soft.” No worries there. Isn’t Zeus the Crime Killer? Well, yes, he is, because he kills both of the perps and then the two crooked cops who come to try and clean things up.

The incident causes the LAPD to take our Greek hero’s badge and gun. Seeing as how horrible the LAPD was in 1987, we have to wonder if Zeus wasn’t stopping and frisking and beating enough black people into oblivion to stay on the force.

The CIA then drafts him and sends him on a mission to destroy drugs. He decides that he needs a bunch of other would-be crimefighters, so he calls in all of his old Vietnam buddies to study under a drill instructor whose sole note for the film were “be homophonic.” At the end, as he whips them into shape, they finally win his respect and he refuses to speak to them, only salute.

To add to the wild racism — or out of touch nature of the film — Zeus goes undercover as a Mexican gardener and, well, he can barely speak English much less do any Mexican accent that is not outright hilarity.

Let me sum up the rest. Drug dealers kill the President’s ex-wife! Every woman negs Zeus! Our hero and the President of the United States play with a watch that explodes! Back to that drill instructor sequence, it plays along with flashbacks of eating pig feces back in Vietnam! Every single cut is a jump cut! People talk over one another! Random sounds just bust into the movie! It all reads even more deranged than this every sentence ends with an exclamation mark paragraph!

This movie feels like it’s a send up of action movies yet it isn’t aware enough to be that and that’s what makes it so good. It has a blacksploitation theme song for a Greek hero, out of nowhere brutal death and presents a world where the leader of the free world just randomly hangs out with Greek supercops.

In now way could this movie be better than it is.

You can watch this on YouTube.

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