WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Effects (1980)

Pittsburgh is more than just my hometown. If you believe a source as vaunted as Joe Bob Briggs, we’re also the birthplace of modern horror, thanks to George Romero and friends creating Night of the Living Dead right here (well, actually Evans City, 45 minutes north of the city).

Horror may have laid dormant for a decade or so, but the 70’s and 80’s were packed with genre-defining creations made right here in the City of Bridges. There’s Dawn of the DeadMartin and Day of the Dead just to name a few.

Then there’s the 1980 film Effects, made by several of Romero’s friends and all about the actual process of making a scary movie and the philosophy of horror. Much like every fright flick that emerged from the Steel City — let’s not include 1988’s Flesh Eater, a movie I’m not sure anyone but S. William Hinzman has any pride in — it goes beyond simple shocks to delve into the complex nature of reality, man’s place in the world and what it means to be afraid.

Pittsburgh is also a complex city, one that started last century as “Hell with the lid off,” died in the late1970ss and rose, much like the living dead, to become a hub for tech many years later. Effects is a document of what it once was decades ago and holds powerful memories for those that grew up here.

Joe Pilato (Captain Rhodes from Day of the Dead) stars as Dominic, a cinematographer who has traveled out of the city to the mountains — around here, anything east of the city is referred to as “going to the mountains” — to be the cameraman and special effects creator for a low-budget horror movie.

In case you are from here, he’s going to Ligonier. For the rest of the world, imagine a rural wooded area, the area where Rolling Rock beer once came from — yes, I know it’s Latrobe yinzers — Anheuser-Busch bought it, moved the plant to Newark, New Jersey and stopped making it in glass-lined tanks. As a result, it now tastes like every mass produced beer out there. It’s also a place with a Story Book Forest theme park.

I tell you that to tell you this — imagine a team of horror maniacs descending on this quiet little town to make a movie about coked up psychopaths making a snuff film in the woods.

Director Lacey Bickle (John Harrison, who created the music for many of Romero’s films and directed Tales from the Darkside: The Movie) is a strange duck, one who wants to push his crew to film scenes days and nights.

Luckily, Dominick meets Celeste, a gaffer who is disliked by the rest of the crew. They quickly fall in love at the same time as our protagonist discovers that an entirely different film is being made, one whose special effects don’t need any technical wizardry. As secret cameras begin to roll, what is real and what is Hollywood by way of Allegheny County wizardry?

Dusty Nelson, Pasquale Buba, and John Harrison — the three main filmmakers — all met at public TV station WQED, the home of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and all worked together on the aforementioned Martin. Inspired by their work on that film, they started an LLC and raised $55,000 from friends and family to make this movie.

Due to a distributor problem, Effects was never released in theaters or on home video. Its lone theatrical screenings were at the U.S. Film Fest — which is now the Sundance Film Festival — and it had its world premiere at the Kings Court theater in Oakland, right down the street from Pitt, on November 9, 1979.

According to the website Temple of Schlock, Effects was picked up by Stuart S. Shapiro, a distributor who specialized in offbeat music, horror and cult films like Shame of the Jungle and The Psychotronic Man. His International Harmony company distributed the film, but it played few, if any, theaters. Shapiro would go on to create Night Flight for the USA Network.  In October 2005, Synapse would finally release this film on DVD for the first time ever.

Pittsburgh is a lot different now. The Kings Court, once a police station turned movie theater transformed into the Beehive, a combination coffee shop movie theater, is now a T-Mobile store, a sad reminder that at one time, we rejected the homogenization of America here in Pittsburgh. Nowhere is this feeling more telling than at the end of this film, where the movie within a movie has its premiere on Liberty Avenue. Now in the midst of Theater Square, this mini-42nd Street went the very same way, with establishments like the Roman V giving way to magic and comedy clubs. As a kid, when my parents drove down this street, I was at once fascinated and frightened by dahntahn. But no longer.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Dynamite Brothers (1974)

You know how Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups old commercials used to go? Well, the makers of this movie got a real smart idea. They took the two big trends of the early 70s — blacksploitation and martial arts — and made one movie with both of them.

Stud Brown (Timothy Brown, a former NFL player who was also on M*A*S*H*) and Larry Chin (Alan Tang) unite to battle drug dealers and find Chin’s brother Wei (James Hong). They’re up against a corrupt cop named Detective Burke (Aldo Ray!) and the disappearance of our hero’s brother may not be as tragic as it seems.

What makes this movie worth watching is the dream team of director Al Adamson and producer Cirio H. Santiago. Lovers of truly bottom basement movies see these two names and feel a certain twinge, the kind you get when you remember young love or holidays gone by.

Another important thing for lovers of 70s exploitation cinema to notice is that the deaf mute love interest Sarah is played by Carol Speed, who is known and loved as Abby.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Duel (1971)

Directed by Chang Cheh and written by Chiu Kang-Chien, this is about Tang Ren-jie (Ti Lung) and his older brother, Tang Ren-lin (Ku Feng), who are the adopted son and henchman of triad leader Shen Tian-hung (Yeung Chi-hing). Shen wants to retire, but before that, he uses  Tang Ren-jie (Ti Lung) and The Rambler (David Chiang) to put an end to his rivalry with rival Liu Shou-yi (Ho Ban). The plan goes badly when both bosses are killed; Tang takes the blame and is kicked out of the country. Yet when he returns, he discovers a plot to destroy both of the gangs.

What a wild movie! Tang Ren-jie has a tattoo of a woman on his chest, and it’s said that whenever The Rambler rambles, someone has to die. This being a Chang Cheh movie, you can be assured that nearly everyone will die.

In the U.S., this was released as Duel of the Iron Fist and Revenge of the Dragons. It was distributed in 1971 by United International Pictures, who also brought you ScalpelSixteen and Devil In the Flesh and in 1973 by Howard Mahler Films, who proudly presented Satanico PandemoniumThe Last Victim (Forced Entry) and The Love Doctors.

You can watch this on YouTube.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Drum (1976)

Director Burt Kennedy was mainly known for Westerns like Support Your Local Sheriff!Hannie Culder and Dirty Dingus Magee, as well as Suburban Commando and All the Kind Strangers. He was supposed to direct this, but walked off the set because he was embarrassed by the script, which was written by Norman Wexler (Saturday Night FeverJoe) and based on the book by Kyle Onstott (there are 15 of them!). What did he expect when he signed on to make the sequel to Mandingo?

With four days of planning, Steve Carver (SteelThe Arena) took over for producer Dino De Laurentiis. Several actors also left, but Carver replaced them with Pam Grier and Royal Dano (Norton and Brenda Sykes returned from the first film but played different roles; Lillian Hayman reprises her role as Lucrezia, the exact role she had in Mandingo). It was nearly a Paramount movie, but they thought it was X-rated; United Artists took over distribution.

Drum (boxer Ken Norton) is born to a white madam, Marianna (Isela Vega), who raises him with her black lesbian lover, Rachel (Paula Kelly), and claims that it’s that woman’s child. His skills as a boxer make him an in-demand slave, as well as someone that women — and men like Bernard DeMarigny (John Colicos) — want to sleep with, even if a black and white union will lead to the slave being lynched. Drum and his friend Blaise (Yaphet Kotto) find themselves being sold to Hammond Maxwell (Warren Oates, playing the son of Perry King’s character), while their friend Regine (Pam Grier) is taken as the man’s lover. This enrages his fiancée, Augusta Chauvel (Fiona Lewis), while Maxwell’s daughter Sophie (Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith) delights in teasing the slaves, trying to get them to touch her and then claiming to be raped.

Somehow, Drum is able to resist her, but Blaise isn’t so smart. Soon, he’s chained up and due to be castrated at a dinner party, just in time for a slave revolt. 

This movie has some…wild dialogue. Like this…

Regine: And titties! You likes big titties, don’t ya?

Hammond Maxwell: Oh, you know I loves big titties.

Or this…

Augusta Chauvet: Must you persist in being a vulgarian, Mr. Maxwell?

Hammond Maxwell: Miss Augusta, you just gotta get used to the idea that ****** fornicatin’ is what Falconhurst is all about! If my ******* stop fornicatin’, we stop eatin’!

Augusta Chauvet: Since the conversation has descended to this level, I feel I can voice my feelins’ concernin’ your beddin’ with Regine every night.

Hammond Maxwell: Well, I don’t do it every night. It’s bad for my liver.

Augusta Chauvet: I don’t think you should do it at all!

Hammond Maxwell: Now, Miss Augusta, you ain’t gonna start meddlin’ around in my poontang now, is you?

Vincent Canby said of this, “Life on the old plantation was horrendous, I agree, but movies like this are less interested in information than titillation, which, in turn, reflects contemporary obsessions rather more than historical truths.” I bet he was absolutely disgusted to have to see it. 

This tops all the racism in the film by also being wildly homophobic, with villain Bernard DeMarigny rubbing Drum’s shoulders and telling his young buck how much he will love being with a man. All in a horrible French accent! Look, I know this is an indefensible movie, but I was entertained, perhaps by how insane it was that this played not just grindhouses, but real theaters.

You can watch this on Tubi.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Dr. Jekyll’s Dungeon of Death (1979)

Dr. Henry Jekyll (James Mathers, who also wrote this movie; he was a playwright and actor whose career was filled with minor roles on TV and on stage) is the grandson of the one from the book and lives in San Francisco. This movie feels like it could take place in the 1800s or 1979, depending on the scene. He invites his teacher, Professor Atkinson (John F. Kearney, in his first acting role at the age of 48; he’s follow that with non-sex roles in the Gary Graver adult movies Indecent Proposal and Society Affairs; he also directed Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men at the Savoy Theatre in London, England with George Costigan, Matthew Kelly and Tyrone Huggins in the cast and OH YEAH is Mike Justice’s dad!) to see his work and commisaerate on the death of Atkinson’s daughter — and Jekyll’s girlfriend and lab assistant — Julia (Dawn Carver Kelly, one and done).

Except that his experiments involve making men and women battle in proto-MMA fights after being injected with drugs. And he also has a mute sister, Hilda (Nadine Kalmes), whom he claims that he hates and desires as much as their mother. There’s also his lab assistant, Boris (Jake Pearson), who we’re led to believe was attacked by Jekyll during an adventure and is now serving him. 

Jekyll wants to hurt — or marry — Julia and often forces her to accept him making love to her while his sister watches one-handed from the hallway. He also likes to whip Boris and say “Love is pain” over and over again. He also loves to inject his test cases — Rick Alemany (also the fight coordinator), Tes Luz, Lydia Altamirano, Jesse Washington and Earl Garlin — in fights to the death that are way too worked. 

It’s…well, great is too much, but it’s certainly strange, as everyone starts this movie on 10 or zero, depending on if you’re a scientist or brainswashed, and you get long scenes of savagery and the professor screaming “No, no, no more!” 

Hyde Productions Inc. registered its copyright in Nevada, and the premiere was a double feature with The Driller Killer at Miami-area drive-ins: the Turnpike Drive-In, the Tropicaire Drive-In, and the Homestead Theatre. Arthur Weisberg, the presenter of this film, also used the name Rochelle Gail Weisberg, also was behind Teeny BunsC.B. HustlersDrive In MassacreSpirit of Seventy Sex9 Lives of a Wet Pussy, The Driller Killer and Ms. 45. He also conducted the score for Dark Dreams, played basoon on The Miracle Worker and is credited with inventing the “Future Basoon” and taught at the Juilliard School, State University of New York at Stony Brook, Yale School of Music, Manhattan School of Music and Indiana University’s Jacobs School of Music.

You can watch this on Tubi.

DARK FORCES BLU-RAY RELEASE: The Beast and the Vixens (1974)

Also known as Desperately Seeking Yeti and titled The Beauties and the Beast, this features Uschi Digard, Susan Westcott, Colleen Brennan (billed as Sharon Kelly), and Jacqueline Giroux in its cast, all gorgeous despite how destroyed this print is. And as you’ll learn from the commentary track — which features Demon Dave from Dark Forces, Joe Rubin from Vinegar Syndrome and David Gregory from Severin, this print came from the same sale that got Severin The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals.

Director Ray Nadeau was a post-production editor on Messiah of Evil and the producer of Fangs. This is 79 minutes of hippies being threatened by a Bigfoot when they’re not being rewarded with silver dollars by a mysterious man, playing guitar or making filthy love. But we can’t hate on this yeti, because when he stares into the window of a cabin with two girls inside, they get so afraid they can only be sated by a sapphic embrace. He also interrupts a couple mid-Chesterfield rugby, sending the man nude and screaming into the woods while this skunk ape gets down with the lady, but just fondling. That’s all he needs.

These hippies have been staying in a summer camp for kids, then leaving just before the following season. It seems to work for them, but then some criminals get involved, but that doesn’t stop long softcore scenes, which are almost full adult, but as always, hide the male genitals. 

Anyways, some people would say this is all a waste of time. I’ve made movies that are ephemeral in nature my life, so you know that I loved every moment of this, non-synchronized sound and all. 

You can get this from MVD.

How to Kill Monsters (2023)

Directed by Stewart Spark, who wrote the script with Paul Butler, this begins with the end of a movie: Jamie Lancaster (Lyndsey Craine) is the sole survivor of a monster attack in a cabin in the woods. Claiming that her friends were killed by these creatures, she is arrested by the local cops and locked up for a crime she didn’t commit. Before too much running time, the police station is ripped from our reality and thrown into a nightmarish dimension of elder gods who want to return to ours and taste human flesh.  

Within this squad house, there’s Inspector Landry (Andrina Carroll), who is getting too old for this shit and is ready to retire. There are two cops who don’t get along, Dennis (Arron Dennis) and Melvin (Daniel Thrace). And an entire jail cell of criminals and those arrested for getting out of control, like soon-to-be-wed Blair (Fenfen Huang) and her bridesmaids Ruth (Juné Tiamatakorn), Chelsea (Michaela Longden) and Crystal (Louella Gaskell). They’ll all have to confront the Lovecraftian horrors at the center of this fun comedy horror hybrid. Nicholas Vince, who was the Chatterer Cenobite, even has a small role.

This is a party movie, one best enjoyed with an entire room of friends and a bunch of beer. Sure, there are plenty of twists and turns at the end, but this is also full of gore and even has a chainsaw attack. I had a blast with it and am looking forward to whatever Spark and Butler do next.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Living Head (1963)

Is there anything scarier than a human head living on after decapitation? Probably, but today, we’re diving into 1963’s La Cabeza Viviente, or The Living Head.

Director Chano Urueta’s films frequently made their way north, with titles like El Baron del Terror (released as The Brainiac) and El Espejo de la Bruja (featured in horror host packages as The Witch’s Mirror). Urueta even appeared as an actor in films like The Wild Bunch and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.

The story begins with archaeologists unearthing the Aztec tomb of Acatl, a warrior whose head was severed in battle. A flashback reveals the gruesome fate of the person responsible for Acatl’s death, who has their heart ripped out – say it with me, “Bali mangti Kali Maa” — in a ritual sacrifice. High priest Xiu and high priestess Xochiquetzal then do the sensible thing and entomb themselves with Acatl’s head.

However, treasure hunters disrupt this ancient resting place, opening the chamber to the air and causing the mummified bodies to crumble to dust. All that’s left behind is a gaudy costume jewelry ring adorned with an eyeball, which becomes the focal point of the subsequent terror. 

Is there a curse? Of course there is. Why would you steal from the Aztecs? You wouldn’t, and you’re someone reading an article about mummy movies, not an archeologist who went to school for years to learn your craft. I would think that someone would teach you not to break into the tomb of maniacs who tore out the hearts of their own people, but higher education is a strange place.

As for Mexico, it is fantastic, as writing team Federico Curiel and Adolfo Lopez Portillo are restrained here compared to The Brainiac; yet we’re still talking about a movie where a man’s head has been alive for four hundred years and can command a mummy to kill people.

Who can stop him? Professor Mueller (German Robles, playing the good guy instead of a vampire as usual), as well as his son-in-law Roberto (Mauricio Garces, who is the head) and daughter Marta (Ana Luisa Peluffo, one of the first Mexican actresses to appear nude on screen in her home country; The Force of Desire was a big deal as a result), probably. 

Mueller’s daughter Marta is the reincarnation of Xochiquetzal, because mummy movies are based around coincidence as much as predestination. Is she going to put on that glowing Ring of Death with an eyeball in the middle of it? Certainly. Is a mummy going to tear out the hearts of mortal men? Boy howdy, I hope!

I say that there is a mummy in this, but he’s not even wrapped up. That’s how good the Aztecs were. They could mummify you without the need for leaves or bandages. Plus: Their mummies can talk!

There have been too many questions already, but I ask: If you were a professor with a mummy head and an evil ring just sitting around your home, would you give that ring to your daughter to wear? These are the kind of decisions that people make in this film, somehow all dumber than a stiffly walking zombified Aztec mummy and a head that’s sitting on what appears to be a sponge cake.

But you’re not coming to a Mexican mummy movie for things that make sense. 

Throw in a dub by K. Gordon Murray, and you have even more reason to celebrate this film, as the booming voice of Paul Frees intones as the professor and loud music blares over everything as the words barely match the lips. I don’t say this as an insult. I prefer my movies dubbed.

Maybe the professor isn’t the hero we want him to be. He unleashes a giant spider on his own home and just walks away from it, like someone else will deal with that. And why isn’t he just donating this mummy, this head, this ring to a museum instead of inviting metaphysical dread into his abode? And when the police find the bloody knife of the mummy in his study, do they arrest him? Of course not. They have no idea who did it, and the whole time, the head is giggling at them. Even a four-hundred-year-old decapitated Aztec head realizes that horror movie cops are, at best, fools.

This movie wants to entertain you, despite its reliance on monologue. You get the exact same time travel montage from The Brainiac. You’ll thrill to Martha in a diaphanous white nightgown looking for all the world like an Italian Gothic Horror heroine except she’s carrying an Aztec warrior’s head on a tray. You’ll get grossed out by organs that get cut out of the bodies of scientists and show up right next to the head as bombastic music reminds us that Mexico might be Heaven, at least for horror geeks.

I like to imagine that when this played on late night horror host shows, people came home from night turn shifts at the steel mill, came into the middle of this movie and were stupefied by it. Such is its power. In my wildest dreams, I want Acati and Jan Compton from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die to have a meet-cute and have lots of little craniums. I think we can all admit that they deserve happiness.

Heatstroke (2008)

Capt. Steve O’Bannon (D.B. Sweeney) is searching for a mysterious radiation linked to aliens and conspiracy, but he keeps blacking out. One of those times, he wrecks his John Denver-killing ultralight plane into a wedding shoot being conducted by Caroline (Danica McKellar). And then, global warming, conspiracy and aliens.

Yes, the dinosaurs of the past are now aliens, and they are warming up our planet with volcanoes so that they can come back. 

Also, back when he was a kid, young Stevie had his mind screwed with by these same aliens while watching cartoons.

Why did I watch this, besides Winnie Cooper? Because an alien jogs down the beach and hops onto a model, scratching her to death. The CGI is abysmal, just like I like it.

Director Andrew Prowse also did Driving ForceDemonstone and episodes of Farscape. Writer Richard Manning also wrote the movie  Tyrannosaurus Azteca and the TV series Farscape. And writer David Kemper produced…75 episodes of Farscape. As for that show, Francesca Buller, who is in the cast, played M’Lee, ro-Na, Raxil and War Minister Ahkna on the show.

Someone also throws up an alien.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Princess from the Moon (1987)

Released as Toho’s 55th Anniversary Film in 1987, this movie is based on The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, a 10th-century Japanese fairy tale about a girl who comes from the Moon and ends up as a baby inside the stalk of a glowing bamboo plant. Directed by Kon Ichikawa, who wrote it with Shinya Hidaka, Mitsutoshi Ishigami and Ryûzô Kikushima, it begins with bamboo cutter Taketori-no-Miyatsuko (Toshiro Mifune) finding Kaya (Yasuko Sawaguchi) inside that tree. She looks like his recently deceased daughter — who died because the family had no money to pay for her care — so he takes her home just in time for her to quickly grow into an adult.

She’s beyond gorgeous, so every man wants her. She decides to put them through a series of trials to even get close to her. Two of the men are unworthy, and when the third tells her that he failed but is honest, she plans to marry him. Instead, she is called back to space. If this reminds you of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you won’t be alone. And hey, there’s a sea monster!

You can download this from the Internet Archive.