Sept 15-21 Mockumentary Week: “Ladies and gentlemen, by way of introduction, this is a film about trickery – and fraud. About lies. Tell it by the fireside, in a marketplace, or in a movie. Almost any story is almost certainly some kind of lie. But not this time. No, this is a promise. During the next hour, everything you hear from us is really *true* and based on solid facts.”
Yosh (John Candy) and Stan (Eugene Levy) Shmenge came all the way from Leutonia to become the biggest polka band of all time, a career that lasted forever until they retired, which is what this movie is about. It’s also, as the title will tell you, The Last Waltz. Plus, you get the Michael Jackson tribute concert that ruined their career, Linsk Minyk (Rick Moranis) playing a series of road songs and an appearance by The Lemon Twins (Robin Duke, Catherine O’Hara and her sister Mary Margaret O’Hara).
Directed by John Blanchard (Really Weird Tales), this story of the Happy Wanderers first aired on HBO. You get to see so many of the shows that the brothers did, like Strikes, Spares and Shmenges, a bowling show, and the Polka Variety Hour. Plus, hear their most famous song, “Cabbage Rolls and Coffee.”
Nearly everything the SCTV cast did was right on, almost every time. This is perfect —a mockumentary that could convince some that this was a real band.
On a mission to investigate an uncharted planet, a spaceship captain (Jennifer Hetrick) and her mixed gender crew, Bryan (Wil Wheaton), Taylor (Sean Astin, who directed) and Paula (Kathleen Wilhoite) struggle with anxiety when an extraterrestrial virus puts the ship in lockdown. Then, the self-destruct sequence starts.
This episode was written by Kevin Rock, who was the writer of the Roger Corman Fantastic Four.
This takes its title from “Snap Ending!” from Weird Science #18. That short — “A gag story about space explorers who land on a giant alien child’s balloon and pop it, much to the consternation of the child.” — was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Al Williamson. This episode is not close to that story.
You can download all of the episodes here or watch this episode on YouTube.
After Beverly Gareth is electrocuted in her bath, Cabot Cove is flooded with poison pen letters, which prove hard for the town to handle as Amos prepares to hand the reins over to a new sheriff, Harry Pierce. Jessica has her hands full with a travel writer who has come to stay with her for a time to put Cabot Cove on the map.
Season 2, Episode 10: Sticks and Stones (December 15, 1985)
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…
Cabot Cove is flooded with negativity, which proves rough for the town to handle as Amos prepares to retire.
Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?
John Astin is back as Harry Pierce, now going from real estate man to perhaps sheriff. This is the last of three appearances by him as this character; he also played Ross Hayley in season 1’s “Hooray for Homicide” and will return as Fritz Randall in season 11.
Spoiler, but this isn’t the last appearance of Tom Bosely as Sherrif Amos. He’d be on the show until season 4, when he left to be the lead on Father Dowling Mysteries.
Friedrich Hoffman is played by Paul Benedict, who you may know best as Harry Bentley from The Jeffersons. He was also in Mandingo, Smile, A Mighty Wind and This is Spinal Tap. He had acromegaly, the same birth defect as Andre the Giant and Rondo Hatton. Still, it was recognized by an endocrinologist whose intervention allowed him to live a much longer life.
George Knapp is played by Joseph Campanella, the voice actor behind the cartoon version of Spider-Man’s enemy, The Lizard. He was also in tons of films like Dead Girls Don’t Tango, Body Chemistry, Hangar 18 and Earthbound.
Elvira Tree is Marsha Hunt, who was Joe’s mother in Johnny Got His Gun.
Edna is Evelyn Keyes, who was in everything from Gone With the Wind and The Seven Year Itch to Wicked Stepmother, A Return to Salem’s Lot and Hell’s Half Acre. She was married to Artie Shaw.
Nils Anderson is Denny Miller, who played Tarzan in Tarzan, the Ape Man (in 1959, not with Bo Derek) and had henchman roles on numerous TV shows.
Lila Norris is Betsey Palmer, and man, you probably know that I’m obsessed with her.
Michael Digby is played by Parker Stevenson, one of the Hardy Boys.
Adam Frobisher is Christopher Stone, who was in Cujo and The Howling. He was once married to Dee Wallace.
Dr. Seth Hazlitt is back, played by William Windom as always.
Bart Nelson is played by Howard Witt. He was Mr. Boogedy!
Smaller roles include Phillip Brown as Deputy Willard and background roles for Ceil Cabot, Ken Sasnsom, Bob Tzudiker, Garnett Smith, Kristy Syverson and Danny McCoy, Jr.
What happens?
Sheriff Amos has retired for all of a minute when a series of mean letters — ala Needful Things but three years before that came out, but they’re both ripping off the Agatha Christie story The Moving Finger — bring him back in to work with Jessica, as new lawman Harry Pierce is pretty much the worst. Everyone is losing their minds because of these letters, as evidenced by a lady named Edna, who thinks Jessica is sleeping with her husband, so she smacks her in the head.
These letters are being sent because a woman named Beverly planned for letters to be sent out when she dies, as she is convinced that she will be killed. She is — death in the bathtub, my favorite — and she’s not the last, as a suicide soon follows.
Who could have turned the town on itself? Why is Cabot Cove so mean?
Who did it?
In an amazing misdirect — and one I would hope was planned from his first appearance — Harry Pierce shows that he’s more than a bad real estate developer. He’s also a killer and someone who burned down his own buildings for insurance settlements. He even pulls a gun on Jessica and says that he was friends with her and Frank, but now she has to die.
Who made it?
This episode was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by Jackson Gillis, Linda Shank and Mark Giles.
Does Jessica get some?
She’s lucky she didn’t get killed.
Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?
This is a deadly serious episode, even if one woman thinks Jessica was in bed with her spouse.
Was it any good?
Yes! When I first saw this, Gomez Addams being the killer was a shock.
Any trivia?
This is the first time in the series that one person from Cabot Cove murders someone else from the town. Until now, it’s all been crimes involving outsiders.
Give me a reasonable quote:
Sheriff Amos Tupper: Well, one thing’s for sure. This has got accident written all over it. Frayed cord, bathroom door locked from the inside. Even Mrs. Fletcher couldn’t make a murder out of this one.
What’s next?
An archaeological dig, potentially the site of Coronado’s City of Gold, does not please everyone as a new corpse is discovered.
In the 1930s, Bob (Jason Lee) and John (Jamie Kennedy) are just two guests of a Halloween party where everyone is losing their minds over the Mercury Theatre production of The War of the Worlds. It gets out of hand as people start turning up dead.
What a cast! Harvey Korman, Larraine Newman, Edie McClurg, Kria Reed, Tracey Middendorf, Steve Monroe, Bryce Ingman and the one person you should never trust: Chris Sarandon. He’s the Orson Welles! Tobe Hooper directs! Andrew Kevin Walker, who also wrote Brainscan, 8mm and Se7en, scripted!
Yes, somehow all of these people joined to make an episode where the alien threat isn’t a hoax and Harvey Korman has flown through the stars to sodomize Jason Lee and Jamie Kennedy.
This is taken from the story “Panic!” in Weird Science #15 — numbered issue four — and it was written and drawn by Al Feldstein. In that story, a radio station replays the show years later and no one panics, but when a real invasion happens, no one pays attention when a Jupiter ship lands.
You can download all of the episodes here or watch this episode on YouTube.
Jessica visits a women’s prison and is held captive when an uprising occurs because of abuse and murder at the facility.
Season 2, Episode 9: Jessica Behind Bars (December 1, 1985)
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…
Jessica teaches a class for a women’s prison on the day it locks down, and the staff doctor gets killed. She becomes the negotiator between the inmates and the police, trying to solve the crime before the cops arrive.
Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?
Dixie is played by Margaret Avery, who sure was in The Color Purple, but I’d tell you she’s from Terror House.
Kathryn is Adrienne Barbeau, and if you don’t know her, what are we even doing?
Barbara Baxley is Amanda Debs, also known as Lady Pearl from Nashville.
Miss Springer is Yvonne De Carlo, Lily Munster!
Linda Kelsey plays Mary Stamm. She was in two more episodes of the show and also on Lou Grant.
Janet MacLachlan is Dr. Irene Matthews. She was also in Heart and Souls.
Vera Miles from Psycho and The Searchers is Elizabeth Gates.
Susan Oliver, who played Vina, the green slave girl in Star Trek, is Louise.
Eve Plumb, Jan from The Brady Bunch, is Tug.
Mary Woronov! Yes! She’s Brady.
In smaller roles, Bertha is played by Susan Peretz, Donna Ponterotto is Jamie, Diana Bellamy is the Head Guard, Gay Hagen is the First Guard, Faith Minton is the Second Guard, Jan Stratton is the Gate Guard, and Darlene Conley is Mims. Prisoners are played by Mary Albee, Linda Carlin, Jadie David, Betty Jeanne Glennie, Marilyn Horn, Lorraine Keeling, Kym Washington Longino, Marti Reese and Ilona Wilson, while Reena Bartlett and Cis Rundle play guard.
What happens?
Before Jessica arrived at the prison — and for the 20 years — Amanda Debs has turned being the deputy warden of the West Barrington Institute for Women into a means to accumulate wealth and influence, running a ring of corruption within the prison that includes Dr. Irene Matthews and grocery delivery driver Mrs. Mims. She’s been growing in her power as Warden Elizabeth Gates has been running for state senate.
A new nurse catches on, and Dr. Matthews kills herself — her suicide note says, “I have been thinking about killing myself for some time. I will all my worldly possessions to all the lesbian inmates in this prison.” — and Debs makes it look like a murder, locking everything down, trapping Jessica with her students.
Working with Kathryn, she turns the lights out and also kills Mrs. Mims, then plans to escape before the cops come in. However, Jessica is able to figure that out and saves the day before the cops come in, shooting everyone.
Who did it?
Amanda.
Who made it?
This episode was directed by John Llewellyn Moxey and written by Carleton Eastlake, who mostly wrote for science fiction shows.
Does Jessica get some?
No. I would like to make a sapphic fanfic of this episode, however.
Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?
No. I mean, come on, Jessica.
Was it any good?
Yes. This is a tense one that changes the format.
Any trivia?
The jail is located in The Square of Warriors, also known as Spartacus Square, at Universal Studios Hollywood. Other movies filmed there include Thoroughly Modern Millie, The Blues Brothers, History of the World, Part I, Cloak and Dagger, The Shadow, and The Scorpion King.
Give me a reasonable quote:
Jessica Fletcher: Well, I particularly liked the way the gas station bandit was caught. You know, having the getaway driver accidentally shift into reverse and crash into the police car… Now, that showed a great deal of imagination.
Tug: Not exactly. That’s the way it happened.
What’s next?
Cabot Cove is flooded with poison pen letters, which proves hard for the town to handle as Amos prepares to hand the reins over to a new sheriff. Jason’s mom shows up!
When Walter (George Newbern) can’t handle the grief of losing his wife because of an intruder — despite having Dr. Joyce Brothers as a therapist — an ex-NASA scientist, Dr. Kurt Rotwang (Vincent Schiavelli), sends him to other realities where Ruth (Elizabeth Berkley!) could still be alive with his Probability Engine. None of those are what he wants, and if there’s a lesson in this, it’s that sometimes you have to take the hand that the world has dealt you.
This episode is based on “Planely Possible” from Weird Fantasy #21, written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Kamen. Unlike many episodes of this show, this one is actually close to the original story, including the moment when Walter’s alternate reality self is put into an incinerator and tries to assume his place, which sets off a series of events that only worsen from there. You’ll see where this time loop is going, but that’s part of why this works so well.
You can download all of the episodes here or watch this episode on YouTube.
Jessica goes to the races to watch her niece ride the winning horse, but then the horse’s disagreeable owner is murdered after a dispute.
Season 2, Episode 8: Dead Heat (November 24, 1985)
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…
Jessica has the difficult task of proving that her niece was framed for the murder of a horse breeder. We can all relate to that kind of rich people’s life, right?
Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?
Vicky Gallagos is played by Priscilla Barnes, who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company and also shows up in The Devil’s Rejects. She was also in Lords of the Deep, Stepfather 3 and Tintorera. Her husband, Carlos, is played by Bert Rosario.
Ramon Bieri played Pat Phillips, the first of three times he’d be on this show.
Jack Cart,– the mayor from Alligat,— is Cliff Carpenter. Playing his wife Christine is Carole Cook, a student of Lucille Ball.
Vince Shackman is Norman Fell, and I wonder if he and Priscilla Barnes gossiped between takes.
Jessica’s niece, Tracy, is played by Linda Grovenor, and in the same year she made this episode, she was in Wheels of Fire. Life’s crazy.
Is that Clu Gulager? Yep. You know it. He was in three episodes of this show.
Roy Thinnes, who was on The Invaders and The Norliss Tapes, plays Lt. Ted Misko.
Im smaller roles, Cookie Milford is Derrel Maury, Erine is Tom Dreesen, Mr. P is Robert Ellenstein, Alex Rebar plays a gunman, Freddye Chapman is a nurse, Don Matheson is the chief steward, Stu Gilliam is a cab driver, Tony Ballen and Richard Paradise (those sound like porn names) are bookies, Faith Burton, George Sasaki, Walter Spear and Ken Clayton are watches the horse races, Mel Gold is a trainer and Joe Faust is a guard.
What happens?
Jessica goes to watch her niece, Tracy, race on the very day she gets promoted to ride Jack Bowen’s prize horse, Anchors Away. For some reason, everyone is betting on this race, from the wife of its jockey — who had to go to the emergency room — Viky, some mob guys and a husband and wife who are at the track every day. Tracy wins, the owner is killed, and the cops appear to arrest Tracy on suspicion of fixing the race.
Good thing Jessica showed up.
Another good reason is that Tracy is the suspect in the murder of the owner, which is fantastic to be able to get promoted, win a race and kill your boss all in the same day. Tracy’s LinkedIn has to be incredible.
What follows is the mob wanting to know what happened, Jessica using a carrot to test a horse, a horse nearly trampling Jessica and finally, a second fake Anchors Away.
Who did it?
The wife of the jockey, Vicky.
Who made it?
This episode was directed by Peter Crane and written by J. Miyoko and Steven Hensley, who also scripted the TV Movies Finder of Lost Loves, Can You Feel Me Dancing?, Remo Williams: The Prophecyand episodes of Magnum, P.I.
Does Jessica get some?
No.
Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?
No.
Was it any good?
It’d be better if Jessica dressed silly and got some dick.
Any trivia?
This is one of the few episodes to mention Jessica’s brother, Martin.
Jessica says that she’s a Pisces, so her birthday is between February 19 and March 20. In real life, Angela Lansbury was a Libra, born on October 16, 1925.
Give me a reasonable quote:
Bookie #1: Separately, it’s peanuts, Vince. Put it together, and we’re chokin’.
Bookie #2: How did we know Mike Gann was bettin’ all over town?
Vince Shackman: I can add.
What’s next?
Jessica visits a women’s prison and is held captive when an uprising occurs because of abuse and murder at the facility. This episode is a Sam dream cast: Eve Plumb, Vera Miles, Yvonna De Carlo, Adrienne Barbeau and Mary Woronov.
A woman named Lisa Gerou (Yancy Butler) has shaped her body to perfection. Then, she goes a decade backward by a scientist (Paul Williams) to meet Nick Boyer (William McNamara), who is obsessed with an ideal of perfection. They have the best lovemaking of their lives, but then he’s the one who screws himself, so to speak. David Leisure shows up, too.
Director Ramón Menéndez also made Stand and Deliver, while writer Mark Verheiden wrote the Dark Horse Aliens and Predator comic books, as well as Superman. He also wrote the movies Timecop, The Mask and My Name Is Bruce.
This episode was based on “Given the Heir” from Weird Science #16, which was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Jack Kamen. It’s the story of a man who meets one of his future descendants who is traveling back in time, ready to murder the first husband of one of their ancestors so she can inherit his wealth. Yeah, it goes bad.
You can download all of the episodes here or watch this episode on YouTube.
Jessica spends a little time at a lakeside inn where she witnesses what appears to be a struggle and a woman falling into the lake.
Season 2, Episode 7: A Lady in the Lake (November 10, 1985)
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote…
Jessica visits a lakeside inn to do research for her next book and watches a husband shove his wife into the water, killing her. Or maybe she didn’t. Is this a Giallo?
Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury, and were they in any exploitation movies?
John Astin is back as real estate man Harry Pierce.
Carolyn Hester Crane is played by Susan Blanchard from Prince of Darkness.
Sheriff Amos Tupper? He’s back! He’s Tom Bosley.
William Christopher, Father Francis Mulcahy to some, is Burton Hollis.
Kyle Jordan is played by Charles Frank.
Howard Crane is played by Sybok, Laurence Luckinbill, who has been in so many things I’ve watched lately.
Grace Overholtz is played by one of the many Catwomen, Lee Meriwether.
Dr. Seth Hazlitt returns, played by William Windom.
Joanna Benson is played by Lee Purcell, Betty Jordan by Lauren Tewes and Noah Paisely by Johnny Crawford.
What happens?
Howard Crane, an older husband, seemingly dislikes his younger wife, Carolyn, to the point that he drowns her. At least that’s what Jessica Fletcher thinks. Sheriff Tupper does, too. Except that Howard jumped in the water to save her, so would he do that if he wanted to kill her? He tells the police — and Jessica — that his wife dove in herself. Meanwhile, people are sleeping around on their fishing husbands. The woman who may have drowned — and whose body hasn’t been found — was a champion swimmer, and that Joanna, a woman who runs naked for fun, was sleeping with Howard.
There’s also a birdwatcher lurking about, lots of people fishing and Harry Pierce trying to sell Jessica on the fact that the hotel is so much older — and filled with history — than it really is.
That’s when they find Carolyn’s body.
While she did drown, she also had mud in her lungs, glass in her skull and was wearing a bathing suit under her dress.
It’s a mystery. The kind only Jessica can solve.
Who did it?
Burton. He wasn’t just a bird watcher. He was family.
Who made it?
It was directed by Walter Grauman and written by Robert Van Scoyk, who also wrote over 100 episodes of this show.
Does Jessica get some?
No. I’m getting blue balls from this show!
Does Jessica dress up and act stupid?
No. She’s acting too normal!
Was it any good?
It’s a Giallo, again, just like the last episode.
Any trivia?
They are married to different people in this episode, but Charles Frank & Susan Blanchard were husband and wife on All My Children and have been married since 1977 in our real world.
Give me a reasonable quote:
Harry Pierce: When you told me you were writing a book called “Murder at the Inn”, I knew this place would be perfect. Did I mention that Edgar Allan Poe stayed here?
Jessica Fletcher: Harry, this place can’t be more than 10 years old.
What’s next?
Jessica goes to the races to watch her niece ride the winning horse. As you can imagine, someone dies shortly thereafter. Why would you invite Jessica anywhere? Jessica also has family, nieces and nephews, who all have outstanding careers but are some of the stupidest people ever. And they always get arrested or get someone murdered or have horrible things happen to them, and she has to save them. Is the entire Fletcher family and everyone in Jessica’s radius born under a bad sign?
In a future where murders are sporadic, a sadistic serial killer — and scientist — by the name of 50557 (Jeffrey Combs) tests the theory of Dr. Nordhoff (David Warner) that everybody can be rehabilitated. Maybe they can get even worse. Even the advice of 40132 (Ron Perlman), a rehabilitated killer, isn’t enough. So what else can they do but send him to a world that he can do little to damage.
As he’s sent down, a tech asks, “What about the inhabitants of the planet?”
Dr Nordhoff says, “I wouldn’t worry. He’s just one man. How much damage could he possibly do?”
Cue the Hitler speech.
This episode is based on “The Exile” from Weird Fantasy #14, written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Wally Wood, in which it’s revealed that yes, the Führer was a space alien.
This episode was directed by William Malone, who also made Scared to Death, Creature, House on Haunted Hill, Feardotcom and the “Only Skin Deep” episode of Tales from the Crypt. It was written by David J. Schow.
Also: Did you know Chrome the robot wants to have sex? She’s to bad sex puns as The Cryptkeeper was to horror ones, except, you know, most people love that guy. No one likes Chrome.
You can download all of the episodes here or watch this episode on YouTube.
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