With Mirror, Mirror III: The Voyeur, the filmmakers finally smartened up and said, “If we’re going to keep making movies where people fuck an evil mirror, maybe the movies should be erotic thrillers.”

Directed by Rachel Gordon (Animal Attraction 3, Dungeon of Desire) and Virginia Perfili (who wrote the last Mirror, Mirror movie) and written by Steve Tymon (Ring of Fire II: Blood and Steel, Witchcraft 5: Dance With the Devil), this is the story of Cassandra (Monique Parent, who was in Night Dreams for Playboy as well as several other movies you watched on Cinemax on Friday after 11 PM). She’s a witch who wants an artist named Anthony (Billy Drago). She’s killed by the drug dealer she was really with (Richard Cansino) and is trapped by the mirror, only leaving to have gauzy candlelit sex with Billy Drago and have you seen Monique Parent? Anyways, good for you, Billy.

The problem is that Billy’s art career takes off and he ends up making love to his agent (Elizabeth Baldwin), which brings Cassandra out of the mirror and killing anyone and everyone.

For some reason, David Naughton is a detective and Mark Ruffalo shows up for his second Mirror, Mirror movie but isn’t the same character. All he does is make a sandwich, the most dramatically edited sandwich making scene ever committed to VHS.

I really believe that this movie had nothing to do with the series originally, then they decided to work in the mirror angle, because it was called Dreaming of Angelica and there’s no Angelica in this.

This movie waits 17 minutes for the opening credits and I love it for making that call.

How did this movie get “Fish, Chips and Sweat,” “You and Your Folks and Me and My Folks,” “Music for My Mother” and “I Wanna Know If It’s Good to You” by Funkadelic in it?

This is the kind of movie that tests the patience of normal movie watchers and you have to know that I’m watching every moment just in pure glee, sheer joy, feeling the occult magic trapped in a movie that was once locked on the five dollars for five nights wall in a mom and pop store and now it’s streaming where everyone can be obliterated by scene after scene of Billy Drago’s butt piston pumping like those oil wells in the beginning of Dallas.

No one fucks a mirror, though.

You can watch this on Tubi.