Amityville: Vanishing Point (2016)

Shot in seven days for $1,000, this movie has Lloyd Kaufman acting in it. I’m sure you realize that the moment that I read that I debated either suicide or shutting the movie off, whatever would remove me from the equation.

Then again, director Dylan Mars Greenberg was only 18 when it was made. But man — this movie makes the Dark Brothers production quality look like Josef von Sternberg.

The Amityville legend lives on — of course it does — when a resident of a local boarding house dies under mysterious circumstances. This film follows her two besties, her sister and the owner of the boarding house as they attempt to discover who killed her. Or maybe she’s still alive. The detective trying to solve the case — who wants to be a cowboy and talks to his baseball cards — might be insane. And the house is turning on everyone.

92 minutes that will try your very soul. I can make it through a lot of painful movies, but this movie felt like a penance for making fun of other films. I should have followed the lead of Father Tom in Amityville II: The Possession and taken the phone off the hook, shut off the TV and just went skiing instead.

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