WILD EYE DVD RELEASE: Crazy Fat Ethel (2016)

I had no idea that Brian Dorton directed and wrote a remake of Nick Millard’s Criminally Insane. One could argue that Millard did the same with his sequel, as it uses so much footage from the original movie. Yet this time, we get more of the story of Ethel (Dixie Gers) as she annihilates everyone that gets in her way.

Ethel may have killed her Uncle Joe, which is why she’s been in a sanitarium all these years, but when two orderlies assault her, she’s released and in the care of her Aunt Joyce. Yet she eats so much food that her guardian must lock it away, which drives her to the brink and beyond, and before you know it, Aunt Joyce is dead too.

Made with real animal guts, this movie in no way shies away from the gore. There aren’t many movies that have a death by inserting a smashed wine bottle into someone’s nether regions, much less a POV anilingus shot.

Yet beyond all the sleaze and guts, this movie has a great performance by Gers. You actually understand Ethel a bit more by the end and if anything, feel for her plight if not understand it.

You can get this from MVD.

SLASHER MONTH: Don’t Fuck In the Woods (2016)

This movie is a worked up 15 year old who reads Fangoria and has never seen a woman naked in person and I want to be its friend. It’s only an hour long with 13 minutes of credits and bloopers, but it knows what you want: breasts, beasts and blood.

Shawn Burkett directed and wrote this and you know, if I were a teenager again, I’d be hunting down every movie he made. According to IMDB, he was celibate for almost a year in order to finish this, so yeah. It totally seems like it.

The monster cost under $200. That also totally seems like it.

Don’t Fuck In the Woods 2 just was released and it definitely improves on this. Jane (Brittany Blanton) is a great final girl and shows up in the second movie too, which is a spoiler, but you know, you’re watching this movie for the sex and gore, so maybe let’s not be so quick to get angry about giving away the plot.

You can watch this on Tubi.

SLASHER MONTH: The Barn (2016)

Justin M. Seaman is from Claysville, PA and as a fellow Washington County resident — Monongahela forever — I’m pleased to see someone from around here make horror movies. He planned this movie for years and even wrote a book about it when he was eight years old. This movie feels like watching a slasher film when you’re too young and not allowed.

Sam (Mitchell Musolino) and Josh (Will Stout) are ready to graduate high school, which sadly means that the days of trick or treating will be over. They want to have one last great time, so they go to a rock concert with some friends and then try out a local legend, knocking on a barn door and saying “trick or treat” three times. They think it’s a dud. The truth? The Boogeyman, Hollow Jack and The Candy Corn Scarecrow are let loose on the sleepy town of Wheary Falls.

What I like about this movie — and totally didn’t come out in the trailers — is that it stays serious and isn’t a Troma-style movie made to be bad. It’s an 80s direct to video supernatural on the loose slasher made with practical effects and a great story. It’s also a treat to see Ari Lehman and Linnea Quigley in this.

If anything, The Barn Part II gets even better. I’m ready for Season of the Barn.

You can watch this on Tubi.

31 (2016)

Rob Zombie came up with the idea for 31 after reading a statistic that stated that Halloween is the “number one day of the year when people go missing” and walking through the Great American Nightmare and seeing chainsaw-carrying clowns. Or, you know, he just wanted to keep making Eaten Alive by 2007 Tobe Hooper and not 1977 Tobe Hooper.

Halloween 1976: Carnival workers Charly (Sheri Moon Zombie), Venus (Meg Foster), Panda (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs), Levon (Kevin Jackson) and Roscoe (Jeff Daniel Phillips) are traveling through the countryside when they get stopped by scarecrows and kidnapped to a compound where they will play the game of 31 for the pleasure of Sister Dragon (Judy Geeson), Sister Serpent (Jane Carr) and Father Napoleon-Horatio-Silas Murder (Malcolm McDowell). If you guessed The Most Dangerous Game, you’re right, played against facepainted clown-lookalikes such as Sick-Head (Pancho Moler), Psycho-Head (Lew Temple), Schizo-Head (David Ury), Death-Head (Torsten Voges), Sex-Head (E.G. Daily) and Doom-Head (Richard Brake). Ginger Lynn and Tracy Walter also appear as Cherry Bomb and Lucky Leo.

Brake’s the best thing in the movie, as he at least gets two speeches in. But man, for a movie that had not one but two crowd-funding campaigns, you would think that money would make this movie a little better. Of all Zombie’s movies, I found this the roughest, as it never really gets anywhere, despite being filled with sound, fury and a Kafka quote that just says, “See, I’m smart.”

It’s not.

In fact, there’s so much pandering to be cool. Look, there’s Malcolm McDowell, he was in a cool movie that’s still edgy! Look, I have Nosferantu playing on a screen! Hey — a body under the dining table reveal just like Rocky Horror! It’s the 70s, man. Everybody was saying the c word. Swearing is cool.

You know that guy that keeps telling you how amazing he is?

He’s this movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

You can also hear how much I hated this movie mere minutes after I watched it right here.

Vigilante Diaries (2016)

Director Christopher Sesma has been cranking out direct to streaming action films. Co-writing this film with star Paul Sloan, the twosome got this story started as a web series and got seven episodes onto USA before it got canceled.

The Vigilante has been captured and a black ops team with Wolfman (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) and Tex-Mex (Chavo Guerrero Jr.) as members has to rescue him. And then there’s a rescue of The Vigilante’s pregnant wife. And Jason Mewes is a filmmaker who got the world interested in The Vigilante. And then Armenian mobsters start shooting up the place. And then there are bombs all over the city. And then there’s the threat of Barrington (Michael Jai White) and Moreau (Michael Madsen). And hey — there’s Danny Trejo tending a bar straight out of Accident Man or Deadpool.

This movie feels like I got dropped into the fifth sequel and have no idea who anyone is but everyone else does. It also feels like a comic book adaptation for a book that has never been published and somehow we’re supposed to know who everyone is.

That said, I want to like this more than I did. I have a soft spot for it. Maybe you will too.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sinister Squad (2016)

Directed and written by Jeremy M. Inman and a spin-off of his Avengers Grimm movie series, this movie finds Alice (Christina Licciardi, who plays the same role in Avengers Grimm: Time Wars) and her Looking Glass spy organization rounding up fairy tale heroes and villains like the Wicked Stepmother of Sleeping Beauty Carabosse (Fiona Rene), Piper (Isaac Reyes), Goldilocks (Piper Lindsay), Gelda the Queen of Hearts (Talia Davis), Bluebeard (Trae Ireland), the Big Bad Wolf (Joseph Harris), Hatter (Randall Yarbrough) and Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Joseph Moses) like Amanda Waller setting up convicts at Belll Reve.

The machinations of Rumpelstiltskin (Johnny Del Riaz) in the past movie — where he was played by Casper Van Dien — have allowed Death in a  ninja mask (Nick Principe) and his cult to run free on Earth. Kind of like, you know, Loki and Thanos somewhere else.

There are some good ideas here — Bluebeard uses his knives to kill women and trap them inside the blades which he calls his wives, the whole idea of a group of fantasy villains joining up, Carabosse being a cannibal witch — but the budget hurts this, as does the same warehouse I’ve seen in nearly every Asylum mockbuster.

I’d love to see them do a comic book of this, as drawings have no budget.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues (2016)

Dynamite Entertainment, who published the Red Sonja comic books at the time, collaborated with animation studio Shout! Factory to produce this motion comic, which takes the script of Gail Simone and the original art of Walter Geovani and Jenny Frison, then adds small bits of motion that can kind of, sort of be called a cartoon. It’s kind of like the way Grantray-Lawrence Animation did The Marvel Super Heroes in the 60s with a bit more tech.

If you’ve only seen the live-action Red Sonja, this is closer to the comic book version of the She-Devil with a Sword. Our heroine (Misty Lee, the magician wife of animator Paul Dini) comes back to a kingdom to pay back the blood debt to the king who freed her from the slave pit, but finds herself battling Annisia, a woman who she once considered her sister.

While the animation is rough and this wouldn’t be the story I’d introduce new readers to when it comes to Red Sonja, it’s nice to see this character getting any media mentions after decades of a rumored film.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Prey (2016)

Released in the U.S. as Uncaged, this movie was directed and written by Dick Maas, the man behind The LiftAmsterdamned and Sint. Taking place in the architecture of Amsterdam, Prey unleashes a gigantic lion that takes no prisoners.

On the trail of this 450-pound mountain lion are Detective Olaf Brinkers (Rienus Krul) and forensic veterinarian Lizzy (Sophie van Winden), all while a reporter named Maarten (Pieter Derks) and Dave the cameraman (Julian Looman) follow them, with Dave having just as much interest in winning over Lizzy as he does catching the cat. Maybe he’s more interested in the girl, to be perfectly honest.

After police chief Zalmberg (Theo Pont) has his cousin die spectacular trying to capture the lion, he hires famous hunter Jack DelaRue (Mark Frost) who just so happens to be Lizzy’s ex.

There was no way that this could be filmed with a real lion as wildlife is prohibited in the Amsterdam city area. There’s a mix of an animatronic lion in the close ups and a CGI one in the rest of the movie. It’s not perfect, but there are some thrilling scenes, as the ending with the lion trying to claw through a windshield to get to Lizzy is really intense.

Also, if you’re expecting a non-gory animal attack movie, you may have not seen any of Maas’ movies.

You can watch this on Shudder.

Blood Claws (2016)

Somehow, within 55 minutes, a zookeeper comes to town to battle an escaped black panther and a band plays in a red-lit club for more than one song. You also don’t see the panther until the very end and yes, it’s stock footage, and yes, you should have expected that.

When you do have the panther in the movie, everything is from his POV, which is an effective way to keep the budget down.

That said, this movie has so much padding I’m shocked that it isn’t going to its first high school dance. There’s a really long sequence of someone drawing by the lake and it has little or nothing to do with the plot. I mean, maybe you’d like a hangout film where everyone just chills, but there’s a panther on the loose.

Dustin Ferguson does know how to make stuff on budget and get content out there though.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Junesploitation 2022: Blood on Méliès’ Moon (2016)

June 26: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is free! We’re excited to tackle a different genre every day, so check back and see what’s next.

Man, Luigi Cozzi. StarcrashContaminationPaganini Horror, Cannon’s Hercules, his remix of GodzillaSinbad of the Seven Seas, the remix remake ripoff weirdness that is Demons 6 De Profundis, The Killer Must Kill Again, writing Four Flies on Grey Velvet and even just being a fan of film and running Argento’s Profondo Rosso store and museum — I just love the man. Like, I wish I could buy him dinner and drinks and just pick his brain for hours about the history of film.

I think this is as close as I’m going to get.

Cozzi originally came up with the idea — or at least the title — for Blood on Méliès’ Moon when he was working for Cannon in the 80s, but had no idea how it could be made. As much as we hate on modern technology, it did make this happen, as the Cozzi said that it was like when he “decided to become a publisher, until then, to publish a book you had to print at least one or two thousand copies. That meant a lot of money and often your storehouses were full of unsold copies. After the advent of digital, you could print even only thirty copies of a book and so I decided to start publishing books and novels.”

Let me try and summarize this absolutely berserk movie.

Inventor Louis Le Prince — a real artist could possibly have been the first person to shoot a movie of any length using a single lens camera and a strip of film; he also disappeared after boarding a train in September of 1890 on his way to demonstrate the camera, but there are theories that he was killed by Edison, disappeared to start a new life and celebrate his homosexuality where he would not be judged, that he committed suicide due to multiple failures or that his brother killed him to get their mother’s will. The case has never been solved — create a device that the Lumière Brothers would eventually call The Cinematographer.

Luigi Cozzi, playing himself, finds a book called The Roaming Universe that was left for him when Barbara (Barbara Magnolfi!) is killed by the statue of the Blood and Black Lace killer within Profondo Rosso’s Argento museum basement, a book that she received during a seance during which an old woman violently puked it into existence.

A man has also sent Cozzi a lamp fashioned after Le Voyage dans la Lune and claims that a shadow version of La Prince in the guise of a masked magician has left the doorway open to a dark dimension that will soon doom our reality using film as his weapon.

It’s a little like La rage du Démon, in that one of Méliès’ movies causes chaos, but it’s also a lot like a conspiracy tract you would have found in the 80s all Xeroxed and left in a payphone booth or a strange YouTube channel that at first you giggle about but then you say, “Well, that makes sense.” It’s baffling and brilliant and corny and silly all at the same time, a messy final message from an auteur who can’t help but be entertaining no matter what he does.

There’s also a trickster named Pierpoljakos (Philippe Beun-Garbe) who takes Cozzi through other dimensions, a severed head that can speak, Cozzi’s wife reacting to him telling her that he has to save the world by just rolling over and going back to sleep, Cozzi in fuzzy pajamas, Ben Cooper level masks, monsters and effects, as well as Lamberto Bava showing off his dad’s book collection, Dario Argento at an autograph signing and a nightmare that has critic Paolo Zelati claim that Cozzi is the Italian Ed Wood, which should upset him, but just ends up making him happy.

There’s also a discussion of the volcano sequence that Cozzi ripped off for Hercules and asks, “Did Cozzi choose the images or did the images choose him?” He also gets to fly on a rocket and when he lands, gets a smile from his own creation, Stella Starr from Starcrash.

This movie reminds me of the Profondo Rosso store itself, a cramped small place with a few books, some DVDs and goofy masks, all standing above a shrine to the genius that is Italian exploitation cinema in the catacombs below. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, it doesn’t have to and it’s wonderful.

I have in my office a Profondo Rosso mug and it’s one of my prized possessions. It’s like some alchemical object, something I hold and hope that the inspiration and madness and love of cinema that Cozzi has always had stays within me. I also am happy to report that when I mentioned his name to Caroline Munro, she lit up and said, “He really is the most wonderful man.”

You can get this movie directly from Profondo Rosso.

UPDATE: You can get this from Severin, who were so cool that they included some of this review on the back of the box.