Sometimes, when under quarantine, you watch a movie you’ve never seen that makes you so happy that you’ve discovered it. Other times, you watch the bomb that pretty much wiped out the film career of Mike Myers, which would be this, a strange character sketch that goes on around eighty-six minutes and forty-fix seconds too long.
After the death of his father, Myers became a devotee of Deepak Chopra, who appears in this film and inspired Guru Maurice Pitka, the character who will bring the Toronto Maple Leafs back to the Stanley Cup. Wish fulfillment on a $62 million dollar budget, this movie also features Jessica Alba as the love interest, Verne Troyer as an angry coach, John Oliver as a man named Dick Pants and Ben Kingsley of all people.
Between this and The Cat in the Hat, Myers earned a Golden Raspberry nomination for Worst Actor of the Decade. This film also won the 2009 Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.
Well, the Leafs haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1967 and no one remembers this movie any longer. The first is a shame and the second is a relief.
I had no idea this movie even existed before browsing through some creature features on the Tubi application. However, my life has been greatly enriched after witnessing the majesty that is Aztec Rex. Aztec Rex was directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, the master behind Leprechaun 3 and 4. You know, the cool ones where the leprechaun shows up in Las Vegas and outer space respectively. That’s not to say that the other Leprechaun films are any less cool. They’re all pretty freaking cool.
Well, Aztec Rex is about the secret history of Hernan Cortes’ first expedition to Mexico, the one he took there before he conquered the country. On his first foray into Mexico, Hernan Cortes, played by Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210,Sharknado) along with his men encounter an Aztec tribe who makes human sacrifices to a pair of Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Ian Ziering as Cortes is a must see in this film where he sports a ridiculous wig and goes in and out of a fake Spanish accent. Almost none of the other people playing the Spaniards even worry about an accent. In fact the monk who became stranded in Mexico and integrates with the Aztecs is played by Jack McGee, who has probably the most non Spanish accent known to man. You may know Jack as Chief Reilly from Rescue Me.
This movie is nuts. The expedition has a single horse which is then eaten by a T-rex. Only one of the conquistadores sees the Rex and calls it a monster, everyone else just sits around arguing how it was probably a bear or some shit. The expedition is only like 6 people too and the tribe they encounter maybe has ten or twelve members. The conquistadores think it smart to attack the Aztecas but they blow dart their asses right quick. They try to sacrifice Cortes to the Rex but the monk Gria convinces the Aztecas to let them live. They have to fight the T-Rex who up to this point lived in peace with the natives. Shit pops the hell off.
Apparently guns, cannons, or arrows don’t faze T-Rex. They bounce straight off its skin, but pole arms can cut them. Also they are dumb enough to fall in pits full of sharpened sticks and impale themselves. Chief Matlal’s daughter, Ayacoatl played by Dichen Lachmen. has the hots for one of the Spaniards named Rios who saves her ass on numerous occasions. Unfortunately, she is betrothed to the cowardly shaman/head warrior dude,Xocozin. However, that doesn’t stop her from stripping down and throwing herself at Rios who refuses because his religion won’t let him get it on unless he’s married.
Xocozin tries to poison Rios’ fruit-laden wine when the Aztecas toast to their newfound alliance with the Spaniards, and Rios starts hallucinating fiercely. When he is saved by Gria and Ayacoatl, they hide from the remaining T-Rex in a grove of trees. Ayacoatl and Rios get wed really quickly by Gria, they then run off to another set of trees to get it on because this could be the only time they can. This sultry scene accompanied by romantic music is interrupted a few times with transitions of Xocozin running back to the village while thumping intense music plays. This part is so ridiculous that it alone begs to be seen which is quite a feat because the whole movie is full of what the hell moments.
When Xocozin reaches the village, he and Matlal have a showdown with weaponry. It feels like it’s more meant for a kung fu flick than this film. There is also the plot of Cortes and another of his men attempting to abscond with the gold and leave for Spain by themselves while everyone else is off fighting dinosaurs but people start dying because Cortes is a shitty leader. The climax sees a Rex being blown up by gunpowder in a gourd when Xocozin is sacrificed to the Thunder Lizard, which I’ve forgotten to mention is what the Rex are referred to as the entirety of the movie. Gria finally gets to go back to Spain with Cortes and Cortes promises to come back and conquer Mexico, Rios demands he stay away from his valley where he ends up living among the Aztecas. Also Gria is sainted and his famous fruit-laden wine is named after him San Gria.
If you miss the days where the Sci-Fi channel aired its films without screaming, “We know it’s bad, we did it on purpose. HAR HAR” then this is the film for you. It had a vision and it set out to accomplish it, it may have become something that it had no intention being but damn it if it is not fun. You can watch this glorious slice of delectable B-movie goodness for free with ads on Tubi.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Seeing as how The Nude Bomb ran on our site today, would you believe that it felt like the right time to bring back this review, originally posted on February 11, 2019?
Peter Segal has made films that people love — Tommy Boy, 50 First Dates, The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps — and critics hate. Here, he’s remaking the Mel Brooks and Buck Henry show that ran from 1965 to 1970. Instead of Don Adams, Steve Carrell takes over as Maxwell Smart.
Smart is more geek than spy, in awe of agents like 23 (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) and 99 (Anne Hathaway). Once KAOS (none of the spy agencies are acronyms here) exposes the identities of every CONTROL agent, he gets his chance to be a spy, going to battle with Siegfried (Terence Stamp!), one of the baddies from the 60’s show. It’s also great to see Alan Arkin as the Chief.
There are some fun cameos here, like Bill Murray as Agent 13, who must always be a tree); James Caan as the President; Terry Crews and David Koechner as CONTROL agents; Larry Miller and Kevin Nealon as CIA guys; former WWE wrestler The Great Khali as a henchman and Patrick Warburton as the robotic Hymie.
A sequel has been rumored for some time. There was a direct-to-video spin-off, Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd: Out of Control (featuring the tech geeks, Warburton, Crews and a cameo by Hathaway). It only lasted seven episodes. It was based on the reunion movie, Get Smart, Again!
I totally forgot that there was a 1995 Fox series with Don Adams and Barbara Feldon returning to their roles to help their son, Andy Dick, become a CONTROL agent.
I did not forget 1980’s The Nude Bomb, a film that brought Maxwell Smart back in again to battle a bomb that takes off clothes. Smart doesn’t even work for CONTROL in this one, but for the PITS. Agent 99 isn’t in it and Feldon wasn’t even informed that the movie was being made. You know who is? Sylvia Kristel, which probably explains why an 8-year-old me was so excited by this film. Actually, I have no idea if pre-puberty me would know how magical she was, but I’d like to think I knew what was up. It’s directed by Clive Donner, who was behind the TV movie Spectre and 1981’s Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen, a movie that would never be made today because Peter Ustinov was Chan and Angie Dickinson was the Dragon Queen. Whitewashing has been real for years, people.
Director William Friedkin once obtained the film rights to The Spirit and contacted its creator, Will Eisner, to write the script. Eisner declined but recommended Harlan Ellison, which ended with a script being written and — surprise — Friedkin and Ellison fighting. There was a 1987 made for TV movie and talk of an animated adaption before the property went into development hell.
In 2005, Uslan approached Frank Miller at Eisner’s memorial service in New York City in regards to making this film. The result is similar to Miller’s Sin City films, but there remains an issue. It’s too dark for those that love The Spirit. And anyone who did, well, they’re old now and not the target audience for the movie. As I often wonder when a movie bombs, who was this for?
The Spirit (Gabriel Macht) and The Octopus (Samuel Jackson) are locked in endless combat, as both seem unkillable. The only thing this Spirit loves more than defeating evil are the ladies, whether that’s Ellen Dolan (Sarah Paulson), who keeps him in one piece, or Sand Seref (Eva Mendes). The weird thing is that the character is much closer to P’Gell, but again, only geeks like me are going to care about that.
I like the idea of the Angel of Death (Jaime King) trying to seduce and keep the Spirit, as well as how all the henchmen are the same actor. But man, this movie tried even my patience and I’ve made it through so many rough films. It looks interesting, but has no script or ability to build interest beyond looking like cut scenes from a video game that you’ll never get to play.
It’s a shame, because the potential of a great Spirit movie is out there. This just isn’t it.
Marc Forster has quite the resume beyond making a Bond film, with works like Monster’s Ball, Finding Neverland, Stranger than Fiction, The Kite Runner, World War Z and Christopher Robin.
It’s a film that looks back at early Bond films while making its own way, building on the loss that Bond endured at the end of Casino Royale. It’s also the most violent film of the series, according to a study by the University of Otago in New Zealand.
We start directly after the end of the first film, with Bond taking Mr. White to his boss M. However, White escapes and Bond begins investigating the evil organization Quantum (or Spectre, but the filmmakers didn’t have the rights). Mathieu Amalric plays the villain Dominic Greene, an eco-terrorist who acts as if he is helping the planet.
You can see this movie as really the second part of one story, setting Bond up for his future adventures and showing modern audiences who he is now.
I love how the gun barrel sequence happens at the end of the film, finally showing us that this is Bond. For not being based on an Ian Fleming story, it’s nice knowing that the character seems to be in good hands.
A tight-knit group of teens finds themselves fighting for their lives when unexpected visitors — a flock of flesh-eating birds (err, pterodactyls?) infected by a malicious virus — invade their campsite. One by one, these avian assassins wipe them out. Originally shown as Flu Bird Horror on SyFy way back in August 23, 2008 (when it was still Sci-Fi), this movie has just been re-released on DVD.
Somehow, I’ve watched eight films associated with Leigh Scott over the last few hours. I blame these Mill Creek sets!
In this one, seven camping delinquents — with the goal of reintegration to society — are attacked by mutated birds, killing their counselor and wounding one of them. One of them, Johnson, takes over the group through intimidation. While all that’s happening, Ranger Garrett tries to save everyone. He’s played by Lance Guest (Halloween II, The Last Starfighter), who is always a welcome sight. Sarah Butler, who was in the remake of I Spit On Your Grave, also appears.
The original idea was that infected people would transform into the giant bird-like monsters. However, the budget wasn’t there for that idea to make it into the movie.
Mill Creek Entertainment’s Savage Nature set has this movie and three other films all about the evil side of Mother Nature. You also get a code for all four films on their MovieSPREE service. Want to see it for yourself? Then grab a copy right here.
When an alien contagion is released aboard a spaceship transforming its victims into demonic flesh-eaters, the crew must either destroy the infected or join them. Steve Railsback — yes, the dude from Turkey Shoot and Blue Monkey — stars as Tarver.
The Pandora is a freight transport carrier headed toward Earth with a desperately needed new energy supply called Thanatos, which many of the crew members are suspicious of. Then they get a distress call from another ship and no one on board has seen Alien.
Nurses from that ship end up being pirates and in the midst of a battle, one of them gets splashed with Thanatos, which turns her into a plaguer. Soon, there are so many of them that they take the ship straight for Earth.
Writer/director Brad Sykes was inspired by Alien — of course — but also the films Prince of Darkness, The Thing and Demons when making this.
Plaguers is now available for the first-time on blu ray and DVD from Wild Eye Releasing. You can learn more at the official homepage.
DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us via a digital screener by the Wild Eye Releasing PR team. Wild Eye Releasing since sent a Blu-ray. They also sent a whole bunch of stickers and yes, you can be jealous that I have an awesome Shark Exorcist sticker now in my home. This has no bearing on our review.
So let’s say Blood Feast was about making the perfect pizza instead of an Egyptian feast. Sure, let’s go with that. Otherwise I won’t have much to hang this review of The Killing Death on, a movie that came out in 2008 but I got an email asking me to review as it’s now on Amazon Prime.
Here’s the story: Chicago Phil travels through his past relations butchering them in horrific ways. Frank, a veteran cop leads Jimmy through his first case trying to piece together the seemingly unrelated crimes. The two paths converge in hilarious fashion through inept bungling on both sides.
I can only assume that Chicago Phil isn’t making a Detroit deep dish pizza. But who can really say?
Director and writer Ian Russell has also created the movie Cybernetic Showdown, which is also on Amazon Prime.
But we’re talking about the killer pizza movie, which you can watch on Amazon Prime. It’s low budget, but hey — sometimes a cheap frozen grocery store pizza is what you’re looking for.
DISCLAIMER: We were sent this movie by its PR team. That has no bearing on our review.
Why did it take twenty years to make another Rambo movie? Stallone claims that it was due to a lack of a compelling story. An early idea had Rambo traveling to Mexico to rescue a young girl, but it lacked the Rambo essence of a lost man wandering and trying to find himself.
There was also a thought that Rambo should be living a quiet life with his wife and child when white supremacists kidnap his family. Another idea saw Rambo trying to stop a hostage situation at the United Nations — where he is strangely working as a diplomat — and battling terrorists (including his adopted son, who I’ll assume is Hamid from Rambo III).
Speaking of the United Nations, that’s where Stallone got the idea to set the film in Burma. In fact, lead villain Maung Maung Khin is a former Karen freedom fighter who accepted the role to bring awareness of the Saffron Revolution to the world.
The film is banned by the Burmese government. It is, however, available there in bootleg versions thanks to the opposition youth group Generation Wave. The Karen National Liberation Army has publically stated that the movie gave them a morale boost and have adopted the “Love for nothing or die for something” line as a rallying cry. “That, to me,” said Sylvester Stallone, “is one of the proudest moments I’ve ever had in film.”
When the film’s original director left, Stallone stepped in. He had no vision for the film until he realized, “What if the film was directed by Rambo?” He had another big idea that totally amped up the film, too. Realizing that the film had a low budget and that gore is cheap, he decided to go all in.
I’m here to tell you that this movie is 100% all in.
The ruthless Major Pa Tee Tint leads an army of men who systematically destroy small villages, killing innocents, drafting teenagers and abducting and assaulting the women. A missionary named Michael Burnett hires Rambo — who makes his living as a snake catcher and boat pilot in Thailand — to use his boat on a humanitarian mission to provide medical aid.
Pirates stop the boat and Rambo is forced to kill them to save Sarah Miller (Pittsburgh’s own Julie Benz), the only woman in the group. Everyone is so upset by how violent Rambo is that they send him away. Within hours, they’re attacked by Tint’s soldiers.
Of note, Benz began working for the U.S. Campaign for Burma after this movie was released, saying “I can’t continue my life without trying to help the situation.”
Father Arthur Marsh (Ken Howard, The White Shadow), the pastor of the missionaries’ church, asks Rambo to take five mercenaries upriver on a rescue effort. Our hero offers further help, but their leader refuses. Luckily for him, Rambo sticks around as the soldiers quickly outnumber the mercenaries.
What follows is an absolute massacre, as Rambo graphically dispatches of everyone in his way, sometimes with whole groups being wiped out by weapons fire and other times hand to hand. If you’re squeamish about gore at all, you should avoid this film, which is packed with graphic displays of death and dismemberment. I’m serious: there is an average of 2.59 killings for every minute of screen time and an overall body count of 466 people.
David Morell, the writer of First Blood spoke highly of the film: “I’m happy to report that overall I’m pleased. The level of violence might not be for everyone, but it has a serious intent. This is the first time that the tone of my novel First Blood has been used in any of the movies. It’s spot-on in terms of how I imagined the character — angry, burned-out, and filled with self-disgust because Rambo hates what he is and yet knows it’s the only thing he does well. … I think some elements could have been done better, [but] I think this film deserves a solid three stars.”
This movie started when a producer had reached a deal with Jean-Claude Van Damme to play himself in a movie. Knowing that director Mabrouk El Mechri was a big fan, he asked him to read the script. The problem was that the screenwriters thought that Van Damme was exactly who he tried to portray to the public — an action hero and personality given to delivering long speeches on television appearances that touch on personal well-being and the environment in a strange Zen koan combination of French and English. In other words, the writer though Jean-Claude was a clown.
The producer offered El Mechri the chance to write and direct, which he agreed to only if he could actually meet with JCVD first. He didn’t want to waste months writing something that Van Damme could veto or not give everything to. Luckily, the actor got the concept immediately and the film was a go.
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a version of himself, called JCVD in the credits, who is out of his luck. Our of money. And in a custody battle where his own daughter rejects him in court. He goes back home to Brussels where he is still a hero but he is obviously a man on the edge.
At a post office, a robbery begins after JCVD is unable to get a wire transfer for money that he desperately needs. As he’s taken hostage, the police mistakenly believe that the actor is behind the crime, despite him protecting the other hostages and trying to negotiate with the police. But when he asks the police to send $465,000 to his lawyers, it’s unclear as to whether he’s become part of the criminals or he’s just trying to gain their trust.
The media gathers around the event, as well as the police bringing in JCVD’s parents, as we see TV footage of the actor speaking in his strange patois about all manner of subjects on French TV.
That’s when this movie becomes genius. The camera and Van Damme lift above the set and he begins speaking about the absurdity of the situation, as well as his career, the loves of his life and his reliance on drugs. The actor made El Mechri swear not to tell anyone about the content of this monologue, so this was called the X scene on set. There was a black curtain drawn around Van Damme, who is ironically a shy person, and when the actor hit the line about not wanting to die, the crane was lowered back onto the set. Only the actor knew what he said until they saw the dailies.
This scene is incredibly tough to watch, as Van Damme is tougher on himself than his harshest critics, saying, “When you’re 13, you believe in your dream. Well it came true for me. But I still ask myself today what I’ve done on this Earth. Nothing! I’ve done nothing!”
Interestingly enough, Van Damme has always been able to say cut on his own movies, but for this movie, he made an agreement that the director would have the final say. So much of the film is ad libbed as well, such as the scene where the taxi driver is abusive to the star. JCVD was told to be nice to her, no matter what she said.
Van Damme finally uses his celebrity to become friends with one of the robbers, but a battle ensures between the robbers and when the police hear a shot, they come in guns blazing. Finally, the last surviving robber takes JCVD hostage. In his head, he imagines that he hits one of his trademark kicks to save the day, but in real life, he just shoves the man into the cops and is arrested himself, sent to jail for a year.
At the end, he’s teaching the other inmates martial arts when his mother brings his daughter to see him. It’s an emotionally brutal scene as we see Van Damme begin to shake and nearly collapse. It’s more real than anything he’s ever done, yet in the confines of the unreal world of cinema. Yet this meta moment touched me and I found a tear streaming down my face, something that has never happened when watching any of his films before.
I loved this movie. It’s easily the best film of my JCVD week, but that’s because it’s knowingly breaking the cycle of his films. It’s a credit to the actor that he allowed the public to see him in such a raw way here.
B&S About Movies 
You must be logged in to post a comment.