EDITOR’S NOTE: Abducted II: The Reunion was on USA Up All Night on July 29, 1995; February 16 and December 14, 1996 and September 5, 1997  — always teamed up with the original.

Directed and writer Boon Collins is back in the world of Abducted and if you thought that movie was strange — even if it was based on the real-life story of Olympic biathlon athlete Kari Swenson — this time he’s getting even weirder.

Yes, nine years later, Boon would bring back Lawrence King-Phillips as the evil Vern, Dan Haggerty as his father Joe and co-writer Lindsay Bourne to tell us what happened after Joe shot his son, knocked him off a bridge and smashed him into some rocks.

And you thought he was dead.

Actually, you probably never saw it.

Maria (Raquel Bianca), Sharon (Debbie Rochon) and Ingrid (Donna Jason, Undefeatable, Honor and Glory) decide to have a reunion in the woods of Harmony Lake National Park, learning nothing from Mother’s Day, and get drunk in a tent, act rude to the locals and make plenty of noise, which as you know is exactly how to die in a slasher. Sharon and Ingrid soon escape — the latter goes full feral and says that she can think like Vern now — and make a plan to save Maria.

Since the last movie, Joe (Haggerty) has pretty much sold out and given up. He’s being paid by rich hunter Brad Allen (Jan-Michael Vincent) to guide him on a stone sheep hunt. The same sheep that his son has been protecting. Meanwhile, his son — How is he still alive? Does Joe know? — is watching his new captive give herself a sponge bath.

I mean, Vern died by crashing on rocks and he doesn’t seem to have any supernatural powers like a Vorhees or Myers. Could the power of sheer horniness be keeping him alive? He’s also wearing fur and deer antlers, as if he’s cosplaying Tom Drury from Don’t Go In the Woods…Alone! 

This is a film filled with magic, like how Ingrid escapes from Vern by cartwheeling through the woods or when Brad’s helicopter appears and Sharon yells, “It’s a plan!” before she takes off her shirt and uses it to get his attention like a flag. Or maybe it’s Debbie Rochon’s breasts that get all the notice. There’s also a moment where Vern asks Maria about her first time and the film flashes back to an actual sex scene, which is the kind of filmmaking I depend on from Canadian direct-to-video movies and director Boon Collins.

Also: two of the girls may be in a couple, which is pretty progressive for 1985.

The end of this movie teases a third movie and man, I want that to happen even if nobody but me would care.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Kickboxer 4 was on USA Up All Night on July 12, 1997 and January 17, 1998.

Kickboxer 3 seems like a walk in the park compared to this movie, which seemingly compounds all of the tragedies of David Sloane and presents a world where martial arts masters can take over entire towns. As if you didn’t know, Albert Pyun knew how to make amazing low budget movies and this blows away any of the movies in this series other than the first film.

David (Sasha Mitchell) writes a letter to his wife Vicky (Deborah Mansy) as exposition for us. After the events of Kickboxer,  the dreaded Tong Po (Kamel Krifa) killed his brothers Kurt and Eric, he hunted him down — Kickboxer 2 — but after he successfully beat Tong Po, instead of fighting in the ring, he was set up and arrested for selling drugs. Then again, Vicky knows all of this, as Tong Po also kidnaps her and makes her his sex slave in the Mexican town where he has become one of the world’s biggest drug dealers.

At least Po is kind enough to send him naked photos of his wife while he’s behind bars.

There’s hope. Yes, even now. Po is hosting a martial arts tournament at his private compound. the winner will get a match against him and a million dollars. DEA Agent Casey Ford (Nicholas Guest, Christopher’s brother) can get David into the tournament where he will fight as Jack Jones. To get there, he has to get into some street fights and get seen by Brubaker (Nicholas Anthony), Po’s fight scout.

Now, I ask you, won’t Po immediately recognize his arch enemy?

David makes his way to Mexico, a lawless land where he immediately rescues diminutive martial artist Megan Laurence (Michele Krasnoo) from bikers and then has to fight her in the first round. He’s also hit on by one of Po’s many women, Darcy Cove (Jill Pierce) and recognizes an old student named Lando Smith (Brad Thornton) who will be his backup.

All David wants to do is rescue his wife and he nearly gets both of them killed. To get more info, Lando starts sleeping with Darcy and that ends up with him tortured and her killed in front of him.

On the last day of the tournament, all the rules change. Every fight will be to the death and Po’s guards shoot anyone who won’t compete. He also offers every fighter $500,000 for killing David, who he blames for the death of his wife Sian, who was killed in a DEA drug raid. David defeats Thomas (Burton Richardson), one of the best fighters, and wins. Finally, the fighters rally against Po who escapes, leaving so many dead fighters behind.

The weirdest thing about this movie is that Kamel Krifa has a bald cap and makeup on to look like Michel Qissi. He appears to be wearing wax on his face and I love that he looks nearly inhuman. He’s also a famous record producer and plays the sitar, which is the kind of thing that only Pyun could work into a movie and make sense.

The fighting may not be great but that’s the beauty of Pyun. He starts with a noir intro, has an edge to this and was able to complete a movie that had so many scenes ruined by being overexposed, pretty much finishing this movie in the edit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Tender Loving Care was on USA Up All Night on April 21, 1995; June 1, 1996 and April 11, 1997.

Directed by Bob Wyatt, who plays Julio and only directed this and wrote the movie Death Match, the main selling point of this is that Rhonda Shear is in the cast as Julio’s dominatrix girlfriend. Rhonda is also in the movies Quadroon, J.D.’s Revenge, Galaxina, Party Games for Adults Only, Doin’ Time, Basic Training, Spaceballs, The Roller Blade Seven, Legend of the Roller Blade Seven, Return to Frogtown, Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective, Earth Minus Zero, The Fanatics, Desperation Boulevard, Prison-A-Go-Go! and You Are All Going to Die.

Her being a dom in this isn’t much of a surprise, as she often took letters from guys who wanted to see more feet on the show and did layouts for several issues of Leg Show. I didn’t have to do research to tell you that.

Here are some of the fine people who show up in the cast: Pamela Manning (who was the rack girl for W.A.S.P.’s early stage shows), Lori Morrissey (who is in Femme Fontaine: Killer Babe for the C.I.A. with Manning), De’Ann Power (who was in two Milo Manara adaptions, Click and Butterscotch: Mission Invisible), Lisa Throw (Shandra: The Jungle Girl), Jennifer Fabos (the 1995 Tony Guzman-directed Philosophy in the Bedroom), Antonia Dorian (Sorceress), Alina Fierra (who ate fire on the April 23, 1993 episode of USA Up All Night), Ron Jeremy (ugh) and Deborah Dutch (Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, Hard to Die).

It’s not memorable for much other than Rhonda.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Paperboy was on USA Up All Night on December 8, 1995 and January 16, 1998.

Canada may seem like our polite neighbor to the north, but they really export some amazingly bonkers movies. Under the surface, they’re boiling with films that challenge convention and embrace the weird. Take this movie, which starts with its 12-year-old antagonist, paperboy Johnny McFarley smothering an old woman with a plastic bag.

After that stunning open, we meet Melissa (Alexandra Paul, the virgin Connie Swail from Dragnet), a teacher who returns home to learn that her mother — yep, the old woman — is dead. She takes her daughter Cammie home with her for the funeral, where Johnny is way too excited to see her. He ingratiates himself into the funeral proceedings and then hides a baby monitor in a vent so he can keep up on what Melissa is doing. Yep. Our paperboy is in love.

What he can’t deal with is the fact that she has a boyfriend, Brian (William Katt). But he’s willing to do whatever it takes to win her over, from turning busybodies into paraplegics to killing his own father with a golf putter and giving another old lady a heart attack by faking the death of her dog. He even smacks Brian with a baseball bat and leaves him inside a burning boat.

Yes, this is a child who goes from sweet and approachable to pure menace in seconds. How dare you go on a date when he wanted to make you some barbecue, Melissa!

This is a sort of remake of 1992’s Mikey by way of another Canadian movie where all someone wants is a happy family, 1987’s The Stepfather.

Sadly, this is a movie that’s near impossible to find, as it’s never been released on DVD. You can, however, find it at the VHSPS.

BONUS: You can listen to us discuss this movie on our podcast.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Almost Hollywood was on USA Up All Night on February 9, 1996.

After this movie, Crown International Pictures took nine years off. I will tell you that that is not because this is a good movie and they felt they’d done all they could do. Quite the opposite. However, in my endless quest to watch every single film they ever released, as well as my slavish addiction to Mill Creek box sets (and now revising it for this month of USA Up All Night), I find myself here, struggling to watch this supposed satire on Hollywood.

This is all about a producer of exploitation and sex videos who suddenly is accused of killing one of his star’s boyfriends and his mistress. It’s a wacky sendup of what I can only assume it was like to make movies in 1994.

I mean, this is a movie that pokes fun at the erotic thriller genre, with the character Abdu clearly an analog of Ashok Amritraj, Menaham Golan and Yorum Globus, played by Greg Rhodes from Ghosthouse and Deadly Manor as a filmmaker who is pretty much making post-porn Gregory Dark movies. Except this makes me wistful for Gregory Dark movies.

In a meta move, India Allen, who was Playboy Playmate of the Year in 1988, as well as ian actress in movies like Silk Degrees and Wild Cactus, plays herself.

Michael Weaver, who wrote and directed this, also shot Dark Eyes and The Sender. He also directed two segments in the movie Night Terror before heading off to do TV work, working as the DP on Pushing Daisies and directing episodes of Californication and Good Girls.

I’ll do anything for Crown International and Mill Creek (and USA Up All Night), I guess. Even this.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vice Academy 4 aired on USA Up All Night on June 9, 1995; March 2, 1996 and March 29, 1997.

Candy (Elizabeth Kaitan, who played this role in Vice Academy 3 to 6) and her new partner Samantha (Rebecca Rocheford) are up against Malathion (Julia Parton), who has broken out of jail again. Yes, it’s the same plot as just about every other one of these films, but you aren’t watching this for the plot.

The Commissioner and Miss Thelma are getting married, as long as our villain and her new man Anvil (Steve Mateo, who was Professor Kaufinger in 3 and Brock in 5) have their sinister way.

Rick Sloane based one of the characters in this movie on his mom. Yes, in a sex comedy. That’s why I love life. Even when things seem dark, weirdness in all its wonder is all around us.

You will learn nothing from this movie. You will not find the secret to any mystery. You will see some girls in 90s underwear and some dumb cop jokes. That said, perhaps those two things are the answer to life.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Angel 4: Undercover aired on USA Up All Night on August 16, 1997.

Molly “Angel” Stewart is still a photographer, but now she does it for the police. And she’s portrayed by the fourth actress in as many movies to play her, Darlene Vogel.

One of her old street girlfriends is in town, touring with a band and of course, ends up dead before we’re all that long into this movie. After photographing the body — it’s her job — Molly goes back to being Angel and goes undercover as a groupie.

A sequel in name only, this was directed by Richard Schenkman. Strangely enough, the Miramax site lists George Axsmith as the director, another name* that Schenkman would use.

Stoney Jackson, who was Phones in Roller Boogie, is in this, as are Samantha Phillips (Phantasm II) and Roddy McDowall, who deserves so much better more than anyone has ever deserved so much better.

That said, this ends up being a movie about a troubled musician more than Angel, but such is life when you’re watching the fourth movie in a sequel series that is basically unconnected. Maybe a producer somewhere wants to know about my idea, Angel vs. Vice Academy.

*On his website, the director says, “For decades I said that The Pompatus of Love was my first movie, but close friends have long known that two years before Pompatus, I directed Angel IV: Undercover aka Assault with a Deadly Weapon. Why the obfuscation? Simply, I didn’t want my official “first film” to be a dreadful, low-budget B-movie I didn’t write, although I was very grateful for the chance to learn-by-doing and make my mistakes on a project less close to my heart. But in all fairness, even this was supposed to be a better movie – a “rock n’ roll murder mystery” – and it was, until the producer demanded that we shoot an “alternate version” of several scenes, enabling him to position the film as an Angel sequel in “a couple of Eastern European markets.” Naturally, only the Angel version ever saw the light of day. Still… I got to work with a good number of dear friends, plus the iconic Hollywood legend Roddy McDowall, as well as the brilliant, much-missed Kevin Gilbert, who did the songs and score.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Student Affairs aired on USA Up All Night on February 2 and November 15, 1996 and April 5, 1997.

We are in Tag-Mur, a mysterious world where Corva (Lenore Andriel) and her sister Neema (Lisa Toothman, Hard Rock Zombies) are battling for control which will come with the two magic swords they call the Eye of the Serpent. They also have daughters who are involved in the battle.

Corva’s daughter Raven (Carlton Lynx) is destined to fight Neema’s daughter Fiona (Diana Frank, Monster High) and the two swords of the kingdom, when joined, will end the conflict that their mother’s father has created just because, well…because that’s what he wanted when he died.

In order to create an army, Neema gets Galen (Tom Schultz) on her side. He’s the kind of Han Solo-esque good guy who wears an eyepatch just because he likes how it looks.

There’s a bad guy with an iron pig mask who keeps getting wounded and coming back, including one scene where Raven straps him down on a table and the way she softcore sexes him up makes it look like he’s in the worst pain. I’m very immature and there’s a good guy named Merkin. Every time they say his name, I laughed out loud.

IMDB claims that this is a sequel to Time Barbarians but I don’t see a connection.

Eyes of the Serpent was directed by Ricardo Jacques Gale (Alien Intruder) and written by Stewart Chapin, Mark Seldis and Tracy Young. Nobody really did all that much after this. But this, well, this is like a made for TV sword and sorcery movie with way more nudity and BDSM than you expect.

You can watch this on Tubi.