Three things got me to watch this film: Persis Khambatta. Donald Pleasence. Post-apocalyptic. Then I found out that Fred Williamson was also in it and I raced to find this. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so hasty.

Released as Il Giustiziere Della Terra Perduta (Vigilante of the Lost Earth) 4 years after Mad Max and 2 years after The Road Warrior, this Italian schlockfest proves why you need the right director to make a great shitty movie instead of just a shitty movie. Trust me. There’s a difference.

First, we have a long wall of words to set the movie up.

Robert Ginty (The Exterminator, TV’s The Paper Chase) plays The Rider, who has arrived on his computerized motorcycle to do something and save someone. Also — there is an AI on his bike called Einstein that is the most grating cute computer in perhaps the history of film. He is the Bob of bots.

I love that this movie sets up The Rider as this awesome hero and he dies ten minutes into the movie by crashing into the “Wall of Illusion.” Yes, the greatest motorcycle rider of his time does not know how to avoid a giant wall.

Luckily for him and not for us, The Enlightened Elders bring him back to battle the totalitarian state run by Prossor (Pleasence). Along with the help of the Outsiders, he frees McWayne, but loses the scientist’s daughter Nastasia (Khambatta).

Then, The Rider joins a ritual brawl, fighting the cast of every post-apocalyptic movie ever made: karate dudes, truckers, punk rockers, soldiers, Amazons and more. He wins their trust and they battle the Omegas and their Megaweapon, but not before his motorcycle and Einstein are destroyed.

Existential question: can he still be The Rider when he has nothing to ride on?

Finally, the good guys win, Einstein is brought back and the Prossor who was killed turns out to be a clone. Yep, Fred Williamson was a traitor and they’re setting up a sequel that never came.

Director David Worth would go on to do Kickboxer, but you can really tell the difference in end of the world films when a normal person and a maniac like Fulci, Sergio Martino, Joe D’Amato or Enzo G. Castellari direct the movie. Also, this film needs a George Eastman heavy to show up and threaten the manhood of The Rider, ala Warriors of the Wasteland.

You know why Fred Williamson is awesome? Because he was already in Italy working on a movie and wanted to stay longer, so he tracked down the director David Worth and asked for a role so his work visa could be extended. He loves Italy just that much.

In case you didn’t pick up my subtle jabs at this film, I didn’t really enjoy it all that much. The poster is way more awesome than what’s inside. And if you’re going to pick an end of the world movie, we’ve already shared plenty that are way better. But who am I to get in the way of you watching a giant truck run over a beep boop robot?

If you want to watch it, there’s a Mystery Science Theater 3000 version. Or you can watch it on Con TV or Amazon Video.

After the box office success of Prom Night, producer Peter R. Simpson wanted to create an “adult” slasher. After three troubled years, he had this film, which didn’t do all that well with audiences or critics. That said — after years of cable viewing and even more years where the film wasn’t available on DVD, it’s become something of a cult classic.

Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggar, Welcome to Blood City, The Brood, All the Kind Strangers) commits herself to an asylum so that she can prepare for the role of her lifetime: Audra. Yet once inside, she learns that her director and lover Johnathan Stryker (John Vernon, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Animal House) has actually left her there to rot.

That’s because a whole new group of young girls are about to audition for the role. Like Amanda, who has a dream that she sees a large doll in the road. When she goes to get it, she’s run over. And when she wakes up, a killer in an old hag mask stabs her and steals the doll. 

The five remaining girls show up to audition for Stryker at his mansion: Patti (Lynne Griffin, Strange Brew and Black Christmas, two of the most Canadian movies ever), a stand-up comedian. Brooke (Linda Thorson, Tara King from TV’s The Avengers), an actress. Laurian, a ballet dancer. Tara, a musician. And Christie (Lesleh Donaldson, Canada’s top screen queen, thanks to roles in Happy Birthday to Me, Deadly Eyes and Funeral Home), an ice skater. And then Samantha shows up!

The first night everyone is in the house, Tara and Matt, the caretaker, hook up in a jacuzzi. So does Christie and Stryker, but she pays in the price in the film’s best scene when she gets her throat cut while ice skating. Her head ends up in a toilet bowl, which is pretty shocking even for a slasher, and Brooke freaks out upon finding it. So of course, Stryker hooks up with her.

All Laurian wants to do is dance, so she gets stabbed. And while Brooke is banging Stryker, they’re both shot and killed, falling down through a window. Tara runs from the mansion and finds Matthews body in the jacuzzi. Even though she escapes the killer three times, the fourth time is never the charm because things don’t work in fours. She is dragged into a ventilation shaft and killed.

Samantha and Patti celebrate with a toast, as Samantha tells her about killing Stryker and Brook. Patti is shocked and reveals that she is the killer, then murders Samantha. We cut to her in a mental asylum where she acts out the film for the other inmates.

Lynne Griffin recalls filming an alternate ending where Patti would read a monologue to all of her victims while on stage. It was rejected, yet another issue in a production so tenuous that director Richard Ciupka has his name listed as Jonathan Stryker in the credits. Yes, the same person who is in this movie as the director.

To be fair: this movie is a mess. It barely came together and while there are moments of suspense and one great kill, it’s amazing that it came together to be a barely coherent movie at all.

After years of waiting and one multipack release with a bad transfer, Synapse finally released this on DVD and blu-ray. You can get it at Diabolik DVD. Or watch it for free or Amazon Prime.

This movie has a big shock ending. It was probably a lot more shocking 34 years ago than it is today. But if you don’t want to know how it ends, you should probably skip this article.

For the rest of you, let’s take a trip back to 1975, when John Baker and his boyfriend Lenny took John’s kids on a boating trip. Those kids are madcap scamps that capsize their dad’s boat for fun. But on the swim back to shore, a waterskier kills John and his son Peter, leaving Angela traumatized.

Eight years later, Angela is living with her weird aunt Dr. Martha Thomas (who would be able to unite Superman and Batman, based on her first name), along with her cousin Ricky. They go to Camp Arawak for the summer. As someone who has never been to summer camp, nor ever wanted to go, I fail to see the fun that places like this promise.

Angela gets bullied at every turn, even when the counselors try to help her. And to top it off, the head cook even tries to rape her. Sure, he’s soon scalded by hot water. But it seems odd how many people have it in for this little girl. I guess the good news is that everyone that screws with her dies horribly — if that can be good news. Like Kenny, a kid that mocks her. She also finally gets a friend, Paul, who has the hots for her.

As Paul and Angela attend a movie at the camp, two of the boys throw water balloons at them. Billy, one of the throwers, is soon killed by bees. At this point, Mel, the owner, starts to realize that maybe there’s a killer in the camp.

Paul tries to kiss Angela, but she has a flashback to catching her father in bed with Lenny. Oh no! And it gets worse, as Judy — one of the worst behaved girls — kisses Paul and then throws Angela into the water. Ricky saves her, only for a bunch of kids to throw sand in her face! Will the torment ever end?

The film then descends into slasher film madness. Meg, a counselor who is sleeping with the owner of the camp, a man nearly fifty years or more her senior, is killed in the shower. The kids who threw sand at Angela? Nearly all of them are dispensed of with a hatchet. And the evil Judy? She’s raped with a hot curling iron (!) and smothered with a pillow, which feels like the roughest and softest kill ever. And finally, the owner of the camp blames Ricky and attacks him, only for the real killer to shoot him with an arrow.

The police come to investigate the murders while Paul and Angela decide to go skinny dipping. Two of the counselors find them and we learn that she has decapitated Paul and jumps up, fully nude and fully a dude, making a hissing sound and looking like a complete maniac. The truth? Angela is really Peter, the boy we thought died in the opening. Dr. Martha had raised him as the daughter she never got to have.

Director Robert Hiltzik had only directed this one film before graduating from the Hofstra University Law School and eventually becoming a partner in a New York City law firm. He had no idea how popular the film was until being contacted to do a commentary track for the DVD. While there have been numerous sequels made, Hiltzik returned to write and direct Return to Sleepaway Camp as well as promising to reboot the series.

It’s funny. In the early 80’s, so many people bemoaned how many slashers were playing in theaters and drive-ins. But today, we’re lucky to get a horror film into theaters. And truly odd films, like Sleepaway Camp, go direct to streaming or DVD. Let’s face it — none of today’s films are as goofy as this either. And by goofy, I don’t mean the SyFy or Troma movies that are made to be dumb. No, this is a film that appears to be an attempt at a legitimate, serious film that ends up being something wonderful batshit. It’s filled with ridiculous dialogue, over the top murders and that ending!

Want to see it for yourself? Shudder has and even has Joe Bob Briggs commentary for it! Or you can grab the blu-ray from Shout! Factory.

Christine was not a film John Carpenter had planned on directing, as most of his films were personal projects, not just jobs. But after the poor reception that The Thing received, he needed a project that would jump-start his career. It may not be frightening. But sometimes, you need to make money to live on.

Richard Kobritz, who produced Salem’s Lot, was given some two unpublished manuscripts from King to consider for their next film adaptation. He chose this one over Cujo, as he felt that story was silly. One was “Christine” and the other was “Cujo.” Korbitz chose Christine because he thought Cujo was too silly.

This film was already in production as the book was being published. In its original prose form, it’s made clear that the original owner of the car, Roland D. LeBay, is the one possessing it. But in the film, from day one, there’s an evil force that powers this 1958 Plymouth Fury (a ’57 and two other Plymouth models, the Belvedere and the Savoy, were also used to create the car).

That malevolent spirit shows up on the assembly line, when Christine cuts a man’s hand off and then kills another worker who dares to ash his cigar on her upholstery.

Fast-forward 21 years and Arnie Cunningham (Keith Gordon, Dressed to Kill) has only one friend — Dennis (John Stockwell, who became a director and helmed Blue Crush, Turistas and Crazy/Beautiful, amongst others). His life gets better when he buys Christine for $250, an action that no one understands.

Arnie not only restores the car, he restores himself. Tossing his glasses, he begins to become more arrogant and dresses like a 1950’s greaser. That allows him to hook up with the new girl in town, Leigh.

Dennis worries about Arnie, so he begins to study the dark past of his car — like how it killed its previous owner and his family. It tries to do the same to Leigh, jealous of anyone who gets close to its owner.

After a fight with Arnie leads to him being expelled, Buddy Repperton and his gang completely destroy Christine. As Arnie watches, it comes back to life, repairing itself and hunts the gang down, one by one. There’s an incredibly directed scene here where a flaming Christine (obviously this scene influenced the close of The Strangers: Prey at Night) chases Buddy to his death.

The murders don’t stop there, as Christine even kills Darnell (Robert Protsky, Grandpa Fred from Gremlins 2), the owner of the garage where Arnie fixed up the car. This leads state policeman Rudolph Junkins (Harry Dean Stanton, always a welcome face) to investigate Arnie.

Dennis and Leigh try to save Arnie by luring Christine to Darnell’s. They think it’s just the car coming to battle them, but Arnie is behind the wheel as it crashes, sending him flying through the windshield to his death. They finally get the car into a crusher, but even as it’s deposited into a junkyard as a cube, it’s already reforming to the tune of “Bad to the Bone.” If you look close enough, the singer of that song, George Thorogood, is working in the junkyard.

There’s a lot more that was jettisoned from the book, like how crooked Darnell was, the romance between Leigh and Dennis, Junkins getting killed by Christine and her coming back and hunting down the rest of the gang after she’s crushed.

There’s just enough Carpenter (and a great score alongside frequent collaborator Alan Howarth) to make this movie worthwhile. It’s not the best of his films. Nor the best King film. But it’s an enjoyable enough way to pass ninesome someodd minutes.

Susan Nomed (Playboy Bunny Bobbie Bresee, Ghoulies) was only ten-years-old when her mother died. During the funeral, she ran from her family to the mausoleum, where the fog rolls in and a demon calls out to her.

Now, twenty years later, she’s the heiress to her family’s fortune. She’s also married to Oliver Farrell (Marjoe Gortner, Starcrash), who is never home, but everything seems fine. However, Susan is starting to go stir crazy, flirting with the gardener, who exudes pure filth. That’s when we learn about the second part of Susan’s inheritance: an ancient curse.

Soon, Susan is turning into a green-eyed demon and having sex with plenty of men, then murdering them in all manner of interesting ways. Want an example? How about her breasts eat a man’s chest and leave him a bloody mess in the bathtub?

LaWanda Page of TV’s Sanford and Son shows up as Elsie the maid and you’ll be shocked to see how racist her role is. Actually, you won’t. We just watched the remake of Thirteen Ghosts (with the early 2000s title that seemed trite even back then, Thir13en Ghosts) and the black maid in that film acts just as stereotypically in that film.

Also, if you’re wondering how good the script is, Susan’s last name is demon backward.

This movie reminds me of late-period Fulci, as its look is very Italian. It’s filled with gore, nudity and a nonsensical plot, but there are times in your life when that’s what you’re looking for.

You can find this one on Amazon Prime and it’s free to watch with your membership!

This was the last movie of a long weekend of drive-in fun. But eight movies in two days can be a test for your endurance and Becca just wanted to hear home. Luckily, I watched the beginning and finished via video in the days following!

Also known as Return of the Aliens: The Deadly Spawn or The Return of the Alien’s Deadly Spawn to cash in on Alien, it was co-written by director/screenwriter Douglas McKeown and producer Ted Bohus (John Dods and Tim Sullivan are also credited).

We first learn of the Deadly Spawn when they kill two campers, then begin moving toward the home of Sam (James L. Brewster, who also shows up briefly in Maniac) and Barb. Also home are their children, college guy Pete and monster kid Charles. Oh yeah — Uncle Herb and Aunt Millie are also visiting. All seems safe and secure until the parents are devoured minutes into the film.

No one knows that yet — Pete is too busy setting up a study date with Ellen, Frankie and Kathy. Meanwhile, Uncle Herb thinks Charles is nuts, so he decides to interview him. Aunt Millie? Well, she’s going to a luncheon.

When an electrician arrives to check on the basement, why shouldn’t Charles put on a monster costume and scare him? Charles soon discovers a variety of Deadly Spawn feasting on the electrician and his mother. Realizing they react to sound — and beating A Quiet Place to the punch by nearly 40 years — he silently escapes.

The study date kids find a dead Spawn that looks like a tadpole. Instead of, you know, throwing it away, they decide to dissect it. And they at the retirement luncheon at Bunny’s house, the Deadly Spawn attack, only for a gaggle of geriatric grandmas to grandly grind them into gore! This is my favorite scene in the movie, just moments of pure mania as these old ladies go buck wild and blend, slice and stab these beasts into nothingness! And the dialogue in this scene!

Bunny: Do you know what I’ve always wanted?

Aunt Millie: What?

Bunny: A really handsome gorilla.

Aunt Millie: A WHAT?

Bunny: A gorilla! But, they don’t seem to make fine ceramics of the great apes, for some reason. They are our nearest relations, you know, the great apes. But they never left the proverbial Garden of Eden like we did. Did you know he’s a vegetarian?

Aunt Millie: Who is?

Bunny: The gorilla! No eating the flesh for him, no sir. He’s peace loving, and adorable!

Aunt Millie: Good Lord. Mother, you’re crazy.

The science buffs try to get Uncle Herb’s opinion, but he’s already being eaten. They run through the house, one step ahead of the Spawn until one bites Ellen’s head clean off her body and tosses her body away! Charles ends up saving the day with a prop head filled with flash powder and soon, the town begins to mobilize, killing every Spawn they can find.

Later that night, one lone cop is outside the house. Everyone is confident that the Deadly Spawn have been wiped out, but that’s when a gigantic one rises from the ground to end the film!

Charles was played by Charles George Hildebrandt, which may seem like a familiar name. That’s because his father is fantasy illustrator Tim Hildebrandt. The film was shot in their house and Tim was an executive producer.

Courtesy of https://timhildebrandt.net

Courtesy of https://timhildebrandt.net

There’s an official site for the film and you can find the Synapse edition for sale at Diabolik DVD. There’s also an Arrow Video release that’s pretty hard to find now. This is worth tracking down — I’d compare it to Dead Alive favorably. The acting isn’t great, but we’re here to watch monster devour peoples’ faces, right? Right!

Harold Robbins’ book The Lonely Lady is dedicated to Jacqueline Susann, who created the greatest written ode to little red pills ever, Valley of the Dolls. She had been inspired by Robbins and how he wrote, added in her crazed ability self promote and became a star. The book was his tarted up version of how he saw her life.

I discovered that book hidden on my parents shelf in the 1980’s and was amazed by it. How did they fit so much sex and depravity between its pages? And when I learned that HBO would be showing the movie adaption at 4 AM, well, look out!

Jerilee Randall (Pia fucking Zadora!) is an innocent waif living in the San Fernando Valley with a dream of being a screenwriter and a trophy for creative writing. Then, she meets Walter Thornton (Lloyd Bochner, Mr. No Legs, Crystal Heart), a famous screenwriter. She’s kind of, sort of is dating his son, but she slowly falls in love with him. But before all that, Ray Liotta rapes her with a garden hose.

You know how they say that you need to take a shower after some movies? You need to continually shower during The Lonely Lady. In fact, I would recommend putting your TV in the hallway and watching the film from the shower.

Walter and Jerilee marry, despite the protests of her mom. He gets her a job as an on-set writer, but when the one word she adds to his script (WHY!?!) improves the film, their marriage starts to fail. His penis has already failed, as he’s unable to satisfy his wife. Also: his chest hair is like a perilous thatch of salt and pepper steel wool.

Walter accuses her of enjoying the rape with a garden hose and that’s the end of their marriage (well, they stay married, but she leaves). Jerilee starts sleeping her way through Hollywood, including getting pregnant by George Ballantine (Jared Martin from Fulci’s Warriors of the Year 2072!) and then getting an abortion before falling for a nightclub owner. He lies to her all along the way, until she finds him having sex with two other women. Lost and hopelessly addicted to pills, she has a nervous breakdown in a bravura sequence.

Every single agent that Jerilee meets with wants to fuck her. Seriously, every single one. Well, I take that back. Some of them want her to sleep with their wives. Even a woman tries to take advantage of her.

Finally, Jerilee’s script is produced — and it has to star George Ballantine — but it wins a major award that is not an Oscar. Perhaps it’s the best screenplay at the legendary Hollywood Awards?

Jerilee goes off during her speech, admitting to her ex-husband that she never learned anything about self-respect and that she’s fucked her way to the top. She refuses the award and walks out with dignity to the strains of her theme song. That’s not as good as the book, which ends with her tearing off her clothes to reveal the Oscar painting upside down with his head resting inside her pubic hair.

Want to see the whole movie in a montage? Here you go…

Meshulam Rikls, Pia Zadora’s billionaire husband, spent $5 million to get this made and spent several million more for Universal Pictures to release it in the U.S. But you gotta give it to Pia — despite half of the audience being voters for the Razzie Awards who laughed throughout the film — she showed up and stayed for autographs in the lobby. I would have been right there in line, ready with a supportive hug if she needed it!

“If you watch one film where a guy shoots billiard balls at a woman’s vagina” is a horrible slug line for a poster. But it’s the one that I wrote for The Lonely Lady. And who else but Shout! Factory would put this out on blu-ray, complete with a new Pia Zadora interview?

Director Giuliano Carnimeo is better known for his Western films with the Sartana character, as well as 1972’s The Case of the Bloody Iris, a movie that I believe is at once a giallo and a satire of the genre.

By 1983, everyone in Italy was directed post-apocalyptic films. This one is pretty much The Road Warrior with little difference. But hey! It has Pag (Luciano Pigozzi) from Yor, Hunter from the Future in it!

It also has a bandana-wearing good guy named Alien (former model Robert Iannucci) who drives around in a car called The Exterminator! He ha an ex-girlfriend named Trash that helps him and a cyborg child named Tommy that he has to grudgingly protect.

There’s also a gang led by Crazy Bull that’s after all the water — instead of Humungus being after all the gas. And there are some great stunts.

But that’s it. Far be it from me to demand that a spaghetti post-apoc flick has an actual plot or character arc, but it can be done. It doesn’t get done here.

I actually feel bad ending this week on a down note. I mean, there were so many great movies. And this stinker…but don’t worry! There are plenty more coming in June. I promise that almost every single one of them is better than this movie, which suckered me in with an awesome title and poster. That has happened before. It will happen again.

Of course, Shout! Factory has released this. There are better Italian clones of Australian end of the world movies. But don’t let me stop you from ordering it.

Sergio Martino gets a lot of love around here. Then again, anyone that makes five completely off their rocker giallo in two years would, too. From The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh to The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, the virtually perfect All the Colors of the Dark, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and Torso, Martino has more than made his mark on film. And you have probably figured out how much the post-apocalyptic genre is loved here, too. Here’s hoping that this mixture of the two works!

In 2015, mankind finally did what we knew they all would. They blew the Earth up real good. Afterward, the Eurax won the war and the Pan-American Confederacy was wiped out. The healthy survivors were experimented on and everyone else was murdered in so many different ways. The Eurax look like Darth Vader, if they wore the British wrestling version of Kendo Nagasaki’s outfits. And oh yeah — there haven’t been any children born since the nukes got dropped.

Out in the desert, life goes on. And by life, we mean punk rockers and goths watching two cars fight. One is filled with guys in face paint wearing football pads. The other has our hero, Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw, Blastfighter). He defeats the other team and is awarded prizes by a top-hat wearing circus barker and a robot clown, including a woman of his very own. He then heads out into the wasteland on his super cool tricycle, where he passes some dead cyborgs.

A hovercraft comes along and demands that our hero come with them. He refuses, then drives along until he finds some mutants who are foaming at the mouth. Green foam, that is. Parsifal kills them and then sets the woman free, giving her a horse. And then, to prove how ineffectual of a hero he is, he’s instantly knocked out cold by the dudes from the hovercraft and taken to Alaska.

Why Alaska? Because we’re in the base of the Pan-American Confederacy, who have survived. Their President sends Parsifal on a mission to find the only fertile woman in New York and harvest her eggs. If he succeeds, he gets to go away from Earth on a spaceship. And he has Ratchet, a one-eyed badass, and Bronx, a dude with a claw for a hand, to help him.

They break into the city via tunnels and run afoul of a gang of mutants — led by the Rat Eater King — after trying to save a little person named Shorty. Then Eurax troops attack and only Parsifal, Bronx and Giara, one of the bad girls, are saved.

Bronx is questioned by a Eurax commander (or Eurac, internet sites just don’t agree on the proper spelling) who has Picasso art all over his interrogation room. Bronx decides to rip out the man’s eyes while Parsifal is being tortured on a rack. That doesn’t seem to work well, so Officer Ania (Anna Kanakis, Warriors of the Wasteland) makes out with him until he tells all of his secrets, again showing what a completely inept hero he is. Well, I guess he’s smart enough to tell them that Giara is the fertile one when she isn’t.

Parsifal and Giara make their escape, covered by Bronx, who kills several soldiers until Ania shoots him. Thanks to the return of Ratchet and Shorty, they make their way to the ruined UN building. Good news! Shorty knows where to find that mythical last fertile woman in New York.

The commander gets new eyeballs while Ania tells him that they have eight submarines watching for the escapees. The Eurax find Shorty’s people and, as they usually do, kill everyone with a high frequency sound weapon. Only Shorty, Parsifal, Ratchet and Giara escape.

While they’re being chased, they run into Big Ape (George Eastman! Yes!) and his Hairy Men, who are kind of like Planet of the Apes in this otherwise Mad Max affair. Big Ape looks like a hairy beast wearing a pirate outfit, so of course, he’s my favorite character in this movie. Turns out he always wanted to knock a woman up, so he agrees to help.

Oh yeah — Parsifal fights off one of the Hairy Men who has taken a liking to Giara. So there’s that happening now.

They find the last fertile woman, who has been put into suspended animation by her dead professor father (and also dressed in see-through plastic). The guys all run off to get armor for a vehicle while Big Ape knocks out Giara and makes his move on the last fertile woman. Oh yeah — Shorty also sacrifices himself to save everyone.

Our heroes escape — Giara strangely not saying anything about Big Ape attacking her and having sex with a woman who can’t consent, so #metoo will exist even after the fall of New York — and make their way through the Eurax defenses. However, a laser beam penetrates the car and turns Big Ape into a smoking skeleton! What! This movie confounds the senses sometimes!

Ania shoots the Eurax leader and takes over. And out of nowhere, Ratchet turns on everyone and tries to kill Parsifal. Why? Honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe because he’s a cyborg, even if we haven’t determined that cyborgs are evil? Giara ends up saving him and getting killed as a result, telling our hero that humanity is worth saving.

So when Parsifal comes back, the leader tells him that because he’s dying and won’t survive the space trip, he can have his seat. As the spaceship leaves Earth, the last fertile woman wakes up and looks into Parsifal’s eyes.

Wait — so that’s it? Were they setting up a sequel? Are we missing a few reels of the film? Did a bunch get cut out of the American version? I have no idea! This movie makes little to no sense. And I love it!

“They baked the Big Apple!” one character yells as the synthesized sounds of Oliver Onions (the dudes who wrote the theme for Yor, Hunter from the Future) plays. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this movie, I really don’t know what else to tell you.

Remember Trash? His entire gang died back in 1990: The Bronx Warriors. But he’s back and Mark Gregory is playing him again. However, in the 18 months since the last film, director Enzo G. Castellari was upset with how much muscle mass he lost, so he keeps his jacket on for most of this movie. Don’t be sad. He still runs like he has a stick up his ass.

Within the first ten minutes of this movie, Mark remeets all of the gangs (yes, the silver and gold dancing ones return), his parents are killed by flamethrowers and he shoots down a helicopter with a revolver. If that doesn’t make you want to see this movie, I have no hope for you at all.

I’d like to call out some of my favorite things about this movie, little things no one may notice. One, in Trash’s parent’s apartment, they have a poster of their son, which is obviously a publicity poster from the first movie. And they also have a Tom of Finland-ish poster on the other wall. Also, when Trash shoots the chopper, a dummy body gets ejected out in the most ridiculous manner possible. Or the most awesome.

The Bronx hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, it’s worse. Now, there is no law, scavengers abound and ammunition is the main currency. But the General Construction (GC) Corporation wants to change all that. Their leader, President Clark (Enio Girolami, Warriors of the Wasteland) wants to tear down the city and build a “city of the future” ala Robocop, but four years before.

They offer the people left behind condos in New Mexico, which everyone knows is a lie, just like the jobs on Mars of Total Recall, but seven years earlier.

The Disinfestation Annihilation Squad is in town the wiping out anyone who won’t leave. Under the direction of former prison warden Floyd Wangler (when you can’t get John Saxon, call for Henry Silva; Black Noon), they’re wiping out anyone who won’t leave. Seriously, it’s like Castellari said, “If we can’t get big stars like the first one, let’s kill everything and everyone in this one.” He wasn’t joking. This film boasts a death toll of 174, including 110 shootings, 30 blown up real good, 9 set ablaze, one stabbing, one off-screen murder (boo!), according to IMDB 4 unknowns, 6 people fried by electricity, 2 bashed in the face and one smooshed by the back end of a rifle. This movie takes no prisoners.

It’s up to the gangs of the Bronx to take back the city. Dablone (Antonio Sabato Sr.), who is dressed as a pirate, is the man who can get them all behind the plan — kidnap the President of GC so that he’ll have to negotiate with the people of the Bronx. Luckily, they have Moon Gray, a reporter who was born in the Bronx and wants to make a real difference, to help.

There’s only one man who can go under the city — that’s Trash’s idea — and make all this happen: Strike, the man who did that big underground bank job and completely wiped Tiffany’s out. He doesn’t need money anymore. He’s hiding in his lair with his kid, Junior, who is apt to call you a fag when you meet him. Yep, this movie was made in the 80’s, when we didn’t worry about how we talked and were totally insensitive.

Of course, even the best plans get screwed up. Wangler kills the President because that was the plan all along. The gangs all get killed, almost to a member (blink and you’ll miss the late Italian porn star Moana Pozzi) except for Trash, just like the last film.

If only there had been a third one! I guess you can fit Warriors of the Wasteland as there is so much crossover between cast and crew.

Trust me — this movie is anything but boring. It makes me so happy to revisit the bonkers world of the 1990 Bronx one more time, even if Trash doesn’t talk much and just scowls all the time.

There’s one moment that sums this whole film up to me: Trash walks past a large window, one big enough to just step inside. Instead, he does a somersault through the window. Why? Who cares!

Want to watch this? Shudder has you covered!

UPDATE: Blue Underground has just re-released this movie as part of a box set of post-apocalyptic movies, along with Warriors of the Wasteland and 1990: The Bronx Warriors!