Director Giuliano Carnimeo is better known for his Western films with the Sartana character, as well as 1972’s The Case of the Bloody Iris, a movie that I believe is at once a giallo and a satire of the genre.

By 1983, everyone in Italy was directed post-apocalyptic films. This one is pretty much The Road Warrior with little difference. But hey! It has Pag (Luciano Pigozzi) from Yor, Hunter from the Future in it!

It also has a bandana-wearing good guy named Alien (former model Robert Iannucci) who drives around in a car called The Exterminator! He ha an ex-girlfriend named Trash that helps him and a cyborg child named Tommy that he has to grudgingly protect.

There’s also a gang led by Crazy Bull that’s after all the water — instead of Humungus being after all the gas. And there are some great stunts.

But that’s it. Far be it from me to demand that a spaghetti post-apoc flick has an actual plot or character arc, but it can be done. It doesn’t get done here.

I actually feel bad ending this week on a down note. I mean, there were so many great movies. And this stinker…but don’t worry! There are plenty more coming in June. I promise that almost every single one of them is better than this movie, which suckered me in with an awesome title and poster. That has happened before. It will happen again.

Of course, Shout! Factory has released this. There are better Italian clones of Australian end of the world movies. But don’t let me stop you from ordering it.

Sergio Martino gets a lot of love around here. Then again, anyone that makes five completely off their rocker giallo in two years would, too. From The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh to The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, the virtually perfect All the Colors of the Dark, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and Torso, Martino has more than made his mark on film. And you have probably figured out how much the post-apocalyptic genre is loved here, too. Here’s hoping that this mixture of the two works!

In 2015, mankind finally did what we knew they all would. They blew the Earth up real good. Afterward, the Eurax won the war and the Pan-American Confederacy was wiped out. The healthy survivors were experimented on and everyone else was murdered in so many different ways. The Eurax look like Darth Vader, if they wore the British wrestling version of Kendo Nagasaki’s outfits. And oh yeah — there haven’t been any children born since the nukes got dropped.

Out in the desert, life goes on. And by life, we mean punk rockers and goths watching two cars fight. One is filled with guys in face paint wearing football pads. The other has our hero, Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw, Blastfighter). He defeats the other team and is awarded prizes by a top-hat wearing circus barker and a robot clown, including a woman of his very own. He then heads out into the wasteland on his super cool tricycle, where he passes some dead cyborgs.

A hovercraft comes along and demands that our hero come with them. He refuses, then drives along until he finds some mutants who are foaming at the mouth. Green foam, that is. Parsifal kills them and then sets the woman free, giving her a horse. And then, to prove how ineffectual of a hero he is, he’s instantly knocked out cold by the dudes from the hovercraft and taken to Alaska.

Why Alaska? Because we’re in the base of the Pan-American Confederacy, who have survived. Their President sends Parsifal on a mission to find the only fertile woman in New York and harvest her eggs. If he succeeds, he gets to go away from Earth on a spaceship. And he has Ratchet, a one-eyed badass, and Bronx, a dude with a claw for a hand, to help him.

They break into the city via tunnels and run afoul of a gang of mutants — led by the Rat Eater King — after trying to save a little person named Shorty. Then Eurax troops attack and only Parsifal, Bronx and Giara, one of the bad girls, are saved.

Bronx is questioned by a Eurax commander (or Eurac, internet sites just don’t agree on the proper spelling) who has Picasso art all over his interrogation room. Bronx decides to rip out the man’s eyes while Parsifal is being tortured on a rack. That doesn’t seem to work well, so Officer Ania (Anna Kanakis, Warriors of the Wasteland) makes out with him until he tells all of his secrets, again showing what a completely inept hero he is. Well, I guess he’s smart enough to tell them that Giara is the fertile one when she isn’t.

Parsifal and Giara make their escape, covered by Bronx, who kills several soldiers until Ania shoots him. Thanks to the return of Ratchet and Shorty, they make their way to the ruined UN building. Good news! Shorty knows where to find that mythical last fertile woman in New York.

The commander gets new eyeballs while Ania tells him that they have eight submarines watching for the escapees. The Eurax find Shorty’s people and, as they usually do, kill everyone with a high frequency sound weapon. Only Shorty, Parsifal, Ratchet and Giara escape.

While they’re being chased, they run into Big Ape (George Eastman! Yes!) and his Hairy Men, who are kind of like Planet of the Apes in this otherwise Mad Max affair. Big Ape looks like a hairy beast wearing a pirate outfit, so of course, he’s my favorite character in this movie. Turns out he always wanted to knock a woman up, so he agrees to help.

Oh yeah — Parsifal fights off one of the Hairy Men who has taken a liking to Giara. So there’s that happening now.

They find the last fertile woman, who has been put into suspended animation by her dead professor father (and also dressed in see-through plastic). The guys all run off to get armor for a vehicle while Big Ape knocks out Giara and makes his move on the last fertile woman. Oh yeah — Shorty also sacrifices himself to save everyone.

Our heroes escape — Giara strangely not saying anything about Big Ape attacking her and having sex with a woman who can’t consent, so #metoo will exist even after the fall of New York — and make their way through the Eurax defenses. However, a laser beam penetrates the car and turns Big Ape into a smoking skeleton! What! This movie confounds the senses sometimes!

Ania shoots the Eurax leader and takes over. And out of nowhere, Ratchet turns on everyone and tries to kill Parsifal. Why? Honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe because he’s a cyborg, even if we haven’t determined that cyborgs are evil? Giara ends up saving him and getting killed as a result, telling our hero that humanity is worth saving.

So when Parsifal comes back, the leader tells him that because he’s dying and won’t survive the space trip, he can have his seat. As the spaceship leaves Earth, the last fertile woman wakes up and looks into Parsifal’s eyes.

Wait — so that’s it? Were they setting up a sequel? Are we missing a few reels of the film? Did a bunch get cut out of the American version? I have no idea! This movie makes little to no sense. And I love it!

“They baked the Big Apple!” one character yells as the synthesized sounds of Oliver Onions (the dudes who wrote the theme for Yor, Hunter from the Future) plays. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this movie, I really don’t know what else to tell you.

Remember Trash? His entire gang died back in 1990: The Bronx Warriors. But he’s back and Mark Gregory is playing him again. However, in the 18 months since the last film, director Enzo G. Castellari was upset with how much muscle mass he lost, so he keeps his jacket on for most of this movie. Don’t be sad. He still runs like he has a stick up his ass.

Within the first ten minutes of this movie, Mark remeets all of the gangs (yes, the silver and gold dancing ones return), his parents are killed by flamethrowers and he shoots down a helicopter with a revolver. If that doesn’t make you want to see this movie, I have no hope for you at all.

I’d like to call out some of my favorite things about this movie, little things no one may notice. One, in Trash’s parent’s apartment, they have a poster of their son, which is obviously a publicity poster from the first movie. And they also have a Tom of Finland-ish poster on the other wall. Also, when Trash shoots the chopper, a dummy body gets ejected out in the most ridiculous manner possible. Or the most awesome.

The Bronx hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, it’s worse. Now, there is no law, scavengers abound and ammunition is the main currency. But the General Construction (GC) Corporation wants to change all that. Their leader, President Clark (Enio Girolami, Warriors of the Wasteland) wants to tear down the city and build a “city of the future” ala Robocop, but four years before.

They offer the people left behind condos in New Mexico, which everyone knows is a lie, just like the jobs on Mars of Total Recall, but seven years earlier.

The Disinfestation Annihilation Squad is in town the wiping out anyone who won’t leave. Under the direction of former prison warden Floyd Wangler (when you can’t get John Saxon, call for Henry Silva; Black Noon), they’re wiping out anyone who won’t leave. Seriously, it’s like Castellari said, “If we can’t get big stars like the first one, let’s kill everything and everyone in this one.” He wasn’t joking. This film boasts a death toll of 174, including 110 shootings, 30 blown up real good, 9 set ablaze, one stabbing, one off-screen murder (boo!), according to IMDB 4 unknowns, 6 people fried by electricity, 2 bashed in the face and one smooshed by the back end of a rifle. This movie takes no prisoners.

It’s up to the gangs of the Bronx to take back the city. Dablone (Antonio Sabato Sr.), who is dressed as a pirate, is the man who can get them all behind the plan — kidnap the President of GC so that he’ll have to negotiate with the people of the Bronx. Luckily, they have Moon Gray, a reporter who was born in the Bronx and wants to make a real difference, to help.

There’s only one man who can go under the city — that’s Trash’s idea — and make all this happen: Strike, the man who did that big underground bank job and completely wiped Tiffany’s out. He doesn’t need money anymore. He’s hiding in his lair with his kid, Junior, who is apt to call you a fag when you meet him. Yep, this movie was made in the 80’s, when we didn’t worry about how we talked and were totally insensitive.

Of course, even the best plans get screwed up. Wangler kills the President because that was the plan all along. The gangs all get killed, almost to a member (blink and you’ll miss the late Italian porn star Moana Pozzi) except for Trash, just like the last film.

If only there had been a third one! I guess you can fit Warriors of the Wasteland as there is so much crossover between cast and crew.

Trust me — this movie is anything but boring. It makes me so happy to revisit the bonkers world of the 1990 Bronx one more time, even if Trash doesn’t talk much and just scowls all the time.

There’s one moment that sums this whole film up to me: Trash walks past a large window, one big enough to just step inside. Instead, he does a somersault through the window. Why? Who cares!

Want to watch this? Shudder has you covered!

UPDATE: Blue Underground has just re-released this movie as part of a box set of post-apocalyptic movies, along with Warriors of the Wasteland and 1990: The Bronx Warriors!

Between Pin, Cathy’s Curse and this film, what is it about Canadian families in horror films? Beneath a surface of politeness, is everyone this psychotic north of the border?

Julie (Isabelle Mejias, Scanners II: The New Order) just wants to play with her pet snake, hunt with her dad and, well, lie in bed with him. But when her mom takes away her snake, she just watches a delivery boy (Paul Hubbard, who played Flash Gordon in the deleted scenes in A Christmas Story) violate her and does nothing to save her life, even though she’s holding a gun. It’s a horrifying scene, as the man is shocked that he’s knocked the woman’s head so hard into the ground. He’s more upset than Julie when he sees the blood seeping out of the back of her brains. Julie just watches, fascinated yet removed.

Julie thinks she has her father (Anthony Franciosa, Tenebre) all to herself, but he soon finds a new wife, the alluring Susan (Sybil Danning!). She brings sex appeal and a stepson. And because she may have been dating daddy before mommy died, maybe Julie’s dad is taking advantage of the death she caused.

One thing he’s definitely taking advantage of is the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to Susan. He doesn’t know that his daughter is watching the entire time and enjoying things way too much, imagining herself in bed with her father! Ugh!

And it gets worse and worse, as Julie does things like lock her stepbrother in a refrigerator, nearly killing him, and then brings the rapist who killed her mother back to the house to take out her new mom in a blackmail plot. Yep, she even tells him, “You can rape her all you want!” It all adds up to an ending that totally shocked me that I don’t want to cheat you out of.

Yep. This is one rough little film, which makes sense when you realize it’s by the writer and director of Chained Heat, Paul Nicolas (that movie also has Danning in it, plus Linda Blair, Henry Silva, Tamara Dobson, John Vernon and Stella Stevens for a movie that transcends the WIP genre).

It’s not for everyone. But Mejias is great in it. And it’s the kind of movie that you are amazed that exists and even more astounded as it plays in your DVD player (or streams over YouTube).

This movie was nearly impossible to find until Code Red put it out on blu ray awhile back. The good people at Diabolik DVD have it right here. You can also watch it under its alternative title, Daughter of Death, on Amazon Prime.

The poster for this movie says: “WARNING: In this movie, you are the victim.” It’s factually correct, because if you were planning on being entertained, you’re out of luck. You’d be better off throwing $5 at the register and running out of your used video store than buying this DVD.

But really, Sam, why not tell us about the film first…

John Baxter (Tony Roberts, Annie Hall, Popcorn) is all about exposing psychic con artists, like James Randi with a white man afro. Along with his partner Melanie (Candy Clark, ex-wife of Marjoe Gortner and as well as acting in Cool as Ice, Q, 1988’s remake of The Blob and providing the voice of Stella Star in Starcrash) he busts up a special effects-aided seance at 112 Ocean Avenue (dum dum dum in Amityville!). The lady running the show spits right in his face and then, he decides to but the place after his real estate agent talks him into it. But guess what? Flies attack and kill that agent, turning him into a rotting corpse.

He buys the house anyway.

All manner of accidents befall John and Melanie. The worst one? Well, I guess that’d be when Melanie gets killed in a car wreck after seeing a demon’s face in a photograph and rushing to show John. But that dude just thinks it’s all a coincidence. Oh, John.

What would make things worse? What if John’s daughter Susan (Full House’s Lori Laughlin), her friend Lisa (Meg Ryan!) and their boyfriends play Ouija in the attic.? The game tells them that Captain Howdy just got a promotion to Admiral. Just kidding. The game informs Susan that her life is in danger, but she ignores it and dies in a boat accident. Her mom, Nancy, sees a vision of her walking up the stairs of the dock, but nope. She’s a goner.

John still thinks this is all make believe, even when his ex-wife thinks her daughter is still alive and he keeps having dreams about the old well in the basement. So he brings in Doctor Elliot West (Robert Joy, Desperately Seeking Susan) and his team, who succeed in getting the demons in the house to show up. Elliot asks for whatever in the well to reveal itself and bring Susan back to life, but in one of the few bright spots in the film, a demon leaps out — right at the viewer — and burns the doctors face and drags him to Hell. The house implodes and only a few of the team, Nancy and John escape. The well keeps glowing as we hit the credits.

Due to a lawsuit between the Lutz family (the original owners of the Amityville house) and Dino De Laurentiis, this is film does not refer to them at all and had to be listed as not a sequel to the original film. That said — the DeFeo family who lived in the house before the Lutz’s are referenced more than once. But hey — weren’t they called the Montelli family in Amityville II: The Possession? At least John is based on someone real —  Stephen Kaplan, who was investigating the film at the time of filming as he was sure that the Lutzes’ story was a hoax.

Look, you may enjoy this film. But after the complete and utter insanity that is the second film in the series, it feels like a step backward. But where can you really go after part 2? It’s a film that throws you down the steps and laughs at you.

For the first film of 2018, the only appropriate movie I can find is this 1983 Italian history of how the first two people on Earth created all of us. People have been making movies about The Bible for as long as people have been making movies. But nobody — and I mean nobody — has made one like this.

The pitch meeting went like this. Keep in mind, like all 1980’s pitch meetings, there was plenty of tasty cocaine.

“We want to make a movie all about Adam and Eve. You know, from the Bible. But can’t we all agree that the story would be much better if it was like Blue Lagoon? And had music like Endless Love?”

“Yes, we can. But who will play the first man? God’s most perfect earthbound creation?”

“Two words. Mark Gregory.”

“Trash from 1990: The Bronx Warriors?”

“Yep.”

“Here’s all the money I have. Please, let us celebrate with a bump bigger than your fist!”

Look — any movie that starts with stock footage of volcanoes to symbolize the creation of the world is going to get me excited. Throw in a landscape coming out of nowhere (George Miller from Mad Max fame is said to have directed some of these shots, uncredited), then have Adam burst forth from an amniotic sac (which is made from a burlap sack), then mope around until he makes a female out of sand.  And boom. This is the cocktail of movie-crazy that I drink like an alcoholic finally getting his hands on a bottle of cheap rotgut.

The sand woman disappears when God makes it rain, leaving behind a real woman, in a scene that has nothing to do with the real scene from The Bible. This is the definition of hubris — when you think your story is a better tale than The Greatest Story Ever Told. Also: Adam and Eve are white. Also: A fake Bee Gee’s song plays over the proceedings.

If you wonder, am I watching a ripoff of The Blue Lagoon? Good news. You are. And you’re watching one made by rip-off experts. Directors Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo made Blue Island just one year before this film.

Eve swims naked while Adam tickles a baby leopard in the same way that you or I would play with a housecat. And oh yeah — here come some flamingoes!

We’re 12 minutes into the film — and Eve has been in it for barely three minutes — when the snake in the Garden of Eden appears. Adam appears to tell her that the tree is forbidden, but Eve protests that she’s hungry. Adam gives her a plum instead. This is but the first time that a husband would try to solve a problem and fuck everything up as the result. Of course, she wants the apple. Nothing is good enough until she gets the apple. Come on, man.

While Adam and Eve are sleeping, a big lion comes over to them as ominous music plays. We get some day for night footage of the lion lying with them, because this is the Garden of Eden after all. A fact that is compounded with stock shots of more animals.

Eve then watches some stock footage of a lion raw dogging (raw lioning?) his mate and gets all into it.

Cut to a waterfall, where that pesky snake keeps offering the apple. And so the myth of women being responsible for all the wrong of the world begins. Adam gets there before she eats and he is not having it.

I just want to note — there is nothing like an Italian voice doing an impression of a snake.

Eve wants a more exciting life. Adam wants stuff to be exactly like it is. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I just want to sit on the couch and relax.

Eve bites into the apple and they have sex, because you know, sex is forbidden and wrong.

That synthesizer score? If I know my Italian movies, it means that shit is about to go wrong in a very bad way. Yes, the stock footage grows much darker and the winds pick up and it gets windy and our heroes get kicked out of the Garden.

BOOM! A volcano! You done fucked up now!

BOOM! A flood!

BOOM! Another volcano!

At this point, the film depicts God’s wrath as the boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark! What!?!

How about we follow that with an attack by a bird that looks like a cross between Rodan and the Devil that had sex with Kelly Curtis in The Sect? How about Adam and Eve hungrily devour its guts? This movie can and will deliver.

Adam and Eve are then taken by a gang of humping, chattering cavepeople who are obsessed with playing with Adam’s balls. He’s cool with it, but Eve is not pleased by having the women touch her. Luckily, a tiger comes along and chases everyone away.

Adam explores the countryside, watching green men and women bathe, while one of them kidnaps Eve. If you’re wondering, “Is this movie only going to be about Eve getting kidnapped?” Yes. It is.

One of the green men tears open a parakeet to remind us we’re watching an Italian movie and feeds Eve the meat inside it. Two of the women of the tribe begin to paint Eve green, but the main green man prevents this. He takes Eve to a waterfall and mounts her on the shore.

Adam comes upon Eve lying with her new man and he seems rather, well, Mark Gregory really doesn’t do emotions all that well. He seems somewhat peeved more than angry.

A hairer tribe attacks the green tribe and it’s a war of the cavemen! Of course, the hairy tribe is all cannibals, so we get some of that action. And now the green man is completely washed. Why didn’t they show this movie in my Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classes?

After a giant battle, the green man battles a giant bear, perhaps the fakest of all bears, while Adam and Eve sit and watch. Adam finally steps to the green man and they battle. The first spot? The green man does a jumping hug, getting his balls all over Adam. It looks less like a battle and more like sex until the green man raises a rock above his head and attempts to smash out Adam’s brains. Eve stops him and she and the green man leave hand in hand. But Eve misses Adam, so she calls to him. The green man lets her go, which only proves that the first human was pretty much a giant loser and the cavemen who weren’t divinely made were much nobler. Oh, and that bear? They cut his fur off and makes clothes out of it.

That fake “Endless Love” song plays again and Adam and Eve decide that enough is enough. It’s time to get nude on the bearskin and made awkward love. Seriously, this is 6th grade make out in the closet at a party level making out.

Just to remind us that we’re watching an Italian film, here’s some B roll of an elk being eaten by cheetahs.

Adam and Eve also argue a lot, as she wants to prove she can do things. Then, you know, she’ll just fall down in the snow. Or eat berries and fall asleep.

They then try and go through a cave, only to face off with some wolves. I remember when I was a kid, we had a Catholic school newspaper and there was a space story that was published every week. I was so excited about it until I shared it with my mother, who pointed out that whenever danger happened, the women would go clean and make dinner while the men dealt with whatever happened. That’s always stayed with me as an example of poor storytelling and lazy sexism. That’s pretty much this film, except whenever danger occurs, Eve cries.

Our heroes then walk across a frozen landscape that really adds some production value to the film as Eve discusses her lack of faith. Eve — you’ve actually met God. And you have no faith? What hope do I have?

The ice storm passes and our heroes become part of a tribe, learning how to trade things and get along with others. Where did all of these people come from? I’ve often asked that question and never been given a good answer. I consulted bible.org with the question, “Was the world populated through incest or did God create others besides Adam and Eve?” Here’s what I learned: “As to incest, it was not considered a sin and was not prohibited for Adam and early man. If the race was to populate and fulfill the command of Gen. 1:28, there is little doubt that Adam’s sons and daughters had to have married their own sisters and brothers if the race was to populate the earth, but due to the purity of the race as evidenced also by the long length of life, there were no adverse effects as we see happening today. Gradually, as the effects of sin took its toll on the human race, marrying one’s own sister, etc., began to create hereditary problems.” So there’s that.

And jamesbishopblog.com posits that “The Bible itself implies that God did create other people alongside and before Adam & Eve.” And “Adam & Eve were not the first humans God by created, or the only humans to exist at that time.” That leads me to a hypothesis. Those dudes saw this movie.

That fake “Endless Love” comes back as Eve has her baby in the ocean and Adam holds up his son. Roll the credits.

Umm, wow. Adam and Eve versus the Cannibals has raised more questions than answers. I don’t really know who this movie is for. Biblically minded folks will be put off by its sleaze factor. People hoping for a straight up cannibal movie will be disappointed. And it never lives up to the insane promise of its title. That said, you should probably experience it, if you can find it. It’s something, let me tell you that much.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

In Italy, Trading Places is shown on TV every Christmas Eve, becoming a classic everyone can love. Here, it’s not remembered as a holiday film. Yet it is — a parable about how much money really matters within a week or so of time within the lives of two very different men.

Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) has the benefits of a great upbringing and Ivy League education. Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is street smart from the wrong side of the tracks.

The Duke brothers, Randolph and Mortimer (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche), come from old money and have been on the stock exchange since it opened. They debate nature versus nurture and decide to switch the social roles of our two protagonists and bet on the results.

In less time than you’d expect, Valentine has easily accepted the upper crust lifestyle while showing class and manners that Louis lacked. And the richer of our heroes descends into petty theft and alcoholism — again all in the span of several hours. He also discovers what love is all about from Jamie Lee Curtis’ character Ophelia. And Denholm Elliot’s character, Coleman, goes from butler to accomplice to friend.

Along the way, the film has plenty of great character roles, too. Paul Gleason continues his career-long mastery of playing complete dicks. Jim Belushi shoes up at a party, Jamie Lee’s sister Kelly (who is also is Michele Soavi’s The Sect) shows up, as does Frank Oz, Bo Diddley and Al Franken, years before he’d go into politics and take inappropriate photos.

The leads work so well together that you wish they’d made several films together. It’s a natural, breezy film, one that continues to deliver on its basic premise. This movie is a success on every level, with Roger Ebert favorably comparing it to comedies of Frank Capra and Preston Sturges. The only misstep it takes is in the backward 1980’s usage of homophobic slurs — they really take you out of the film.

Captain Invincible helped win World War 2 but couldn’t survive the McCarthy hearings. Angry that his country turned its back on him, he moved to Australia and became a drunk. Thirty years later, Mr. Midnight, his greatest villain, comes back and steals the hypno ray. The U.S. government now needs the Captain back. But is he even interested?

Directed by Philippe Mora (Mad Dog Morgan, The Beast Within, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf), this Australian superhero comedy musical is a lost film. It never played in U.S. theaters due to Jensen Farley Pictures (who also distributed Chained Heat, Curtains, The Boogens and more) going out of business, but it was released on video. It also bombed really badly in Australia, so it’s not a film that anyone thinks about.

It’s a strange bird, a mix of pathos at times (the idea of superheroes being forced to retire because of the McCarthy hearings was first done in 1979’s JSA stories in Adventure Comics and 1985’s America vs. the Justice Society) and musical scenes, featuring three songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show team of Richard O’Brien and Richard Hartley,

Starring Alan Arkin as the Captain and Christopher Lee as Mr. Midnight, the film really explores how a superhero would have to relearn his powers after decades of alcohol abuse, as well as how a supervillain would really operate in the modern world. It was written by Andrew Gaty, Peter Smalley (Dead End Drive-In) and Steven de Souza (Commando, Bad Dreams, Die Hard, Hudson Hawk, 48 Hours and many more).

The black and white sequences were my favorite parts of the film, showing how Captain Invincible gave up being a hero and how he got his powers. The music is pretty interesting, particularly Lee’s explanation of how there was evil before there was humanity. Also, I love Mr. Midnight’s sidekick, Julius, who looks like a naked human horse person.

Also of note, there’s a scene where vacuum cleaners attack our hero. The scene made so little sense, the original pick for Captain Invincible, James Coburn (Derek Flint from In Like Flint and Our Man Flint) dropped out of the movie!

I discovered this film via Not Quite Hollywood! and Ozploitation Trailer Explosion, which you can get from the good folks at Severin Films.

I feel sad as I begin the final chapter of Yor’s World. It was as if I found a sequel to a movie that’s 34 years old, another part of the story that I never thought I would see. I put it off for some time. But now, I must return to the time of future past and see my hero off to the end of his journey.

Yor wastes no time when a stormtrooper-like robot finds him. “Research unit six calling team leader,” it says. Yor responds by knocking its head off. But taking on a whole bunch of robots? One blue beam later and Yor’s out.

Meanwhile, Pag and Kala wash ashore. A robot sends a message, “Supreme leader, the other two foreign elements are in sector 1-6. We await your orders.” The hooded leader known as Overlord (John Steiner from Salon Kitty, Beyond the Door II and Caligula) watches on his crystal ball , then demands that they be captured as well. As more and more of the troopers land on the beach (their costumes, as well as Overlord’s, were leftover’s from 1979’s The Humanoid, a film that Antonio Margheriti created the FX for), a mysterious blonde man tells Pag and Kala to come with him.

A bunch of scientists place our hero in a tube and start probing him with a bright light. Beeps and boops and 808 sampler sounds play before Enna, a scientist, tells Yor that he has found the place that he has been searching for. This is where his parents are from and where he spent his childhood.

Yor demands to be untied, but Enna can only undo his hands. Only the supreme leader can free him. Turns out that Yor’s medallion has revealed a lot of information. His real name is Galahad, the only son of the rebel named Asgard. The ship that took his family into exile was destroyed. How he survived and who raised him is a mystery.

The Overlord gloats, saying that he’ll allow the moron to know all the secrets of his origin, but that the “kid” is the missing link he has been looking for to complete his genetic engineering theory. Finally, he has the “occasion to exercise his magnitude.”

Enna shows Yor some home movies where we see baby Yor! She shows him the last three chapters of his life, as clips of the film play on her viewscreen. He sees Roa again, who he refers to as “the sweetest moment of my life and the bitterest.” Didn’t we just see a recap at the beginning of this episode? This is padding of the highest order.

The good news is that Yor has learned that Pag and Kala have survived. But now, he has to talk to Overlord, who frees him from the table and tells him, “You’ll learn to know me,” which is a translation that sends me goofballs with joy. He reveals that he was the one who destroyed the village and whoever goes against him or disobeys his orders will be destroyed. In fact, he has already decided to destroy Kala.

Yor just walks away — security isn’t very tight. The Overlord looks pleased at this turn of events as he disappears to watch Yor on his crystal ball. His base looks like a big steel mill crossed with the kind of place the Eloi would live in. A blind scientist appears and tells them that if the Overlord keeps going, he will repeat the history of the world — he will do wrong.

Enna asks how they’ve survived in a world filled with radioactivity. Pag tells her that it’s a beautiful world filled with danger. Pag discusses the androids with the future people, but Kala disappears. Everyone in this scene is dressed like a Jack Kirby character come to life.

Kala wanders the base in search of Yor as the Overlord laughs, watching from afar and playing theremin. They get trapped in a hall of mirrors, able to see one another but not touch. Finally, they embrace and kiss as the Overlord keeps watch.

The Overlord finds them, explaining how radiation sickness has kept his people from repopulating, but they have radiation sickness. That’s why he is replacing them with robots, so that he can build an army that will rid the world of the barbarians.

Yor asks him, if he rules a world of puppets, what is his purpose in life? The Overlord answers: To be a bringer of death. And also life. He wants Yor and Kala to create a new race of androids. But first, he must work on Yor’s brain, to eliminate every unjust thought. And once he has impregnated Kala, he will die.

The future people and Pag arrive to save our heroic couple. The Overlord rallies his troops, telling them to kill everyone. The good guys decide to activate an atomic bomb and wipe out the base, then start over again in Yor’s world. What follows is pure awesome — a barbarian with a laser gun. You honestly cannot get better than that. The movie tries, though, as Yor swings across the nuclear reactor like he’s Luke Skywalker. Even Pag gets in on the action, swinging across like a trapeze artist to save Yor as they set the bomb to go off.

The old blind leader tells the Overlord that he has lost, that they are disabling the base floor by floor. Yor yells for Pag to shoot him, but Enna says that the Overlord is only a shadow or illusion. Yor says fuck it and tries, but his laser has no effect on the final boss. Even impaling the guy with a candy cane colored pole hardly slows him down.

The blind man tells Overlord that only Yor represents the future before shutting down the army of clones. Nearly all of the future men die — one even tells Pag to not let Enna sacrifice herself — as the base begins to self destruct,. Yor does some insane spin kick and press slam kung fu on a robot and Pag adopts to using a laser gun really well for a caveman. He nearly is killed but the final robots are deactivated at the last minute.

Our heroes all board a spaceship, where the old blind man hopes that Yor can build a new planet based on love and understanding, because God forgives us. With that, everything blows up real good and Yor flies away.

The narrator tells us, “Yor returns to the primitive tribes on earth, determined to use this new technology to realize true progress and to prevent a new atomic holocaust for future generations.”

The future is not left up in the air, like in the U.S. version. Yor is going to make everything alright.

Like I said…I’m sad to say goodbye to Yor, Pag and Kala. But good news. I have one more bit of Yor awesomeness to share, so come back tomorrow!

When we last left our friend Yor, he had decimated another group of people, found someone who had the same past as him and pissed off his girlfriend. Oh Yor, we can all identify with you, so we follow you in your journey as you try to figure out what the heck is going on.

Pag starts off part three by telling Yor that Kala is his woman, but he can have other women if he wants. Even Yor is like, wait, what? Yes, even in the past — OR IS IT THE FUTURE — it’s a man’s world. Warriors need to have as many children as they can to build a stronger tribe. Go ahead, tell that to Kala, who is super jealous. Luckily, Yor lets her help him float his boat — don’t read that wrong — as they’re now one big tribe. Well, they were until someone — YOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU — let the raft float away. Pag and Kala are quite pleased that Kala was the one to save the day. Seriously, all is peaceful in the little tribe now, but when you have two women who only want to enjoy Yor’s choice meats, there’s going to be a battle.

Also, the until now never heard love theme version of Yor’s theme is making me want to pick up cars and hurl them into the sun. It’s that inspiring.

Pag decides to shoot a dinosaur, which is really an armadillo. They decide to cook it while Yor goes to get aromatic herbs for the roast — yes, this is real dialogue — and Roa follows him. They play with their necklaces for a bit while Kala cries. Pag tells her that she will drive him away with her jealousy, but she claims that the smoke got in her eyes.

Roa tells Yor that she belongs to him and that she’s never felt so passionate about a man before. Yor tells her that she’s beautiful and they kiss in front of a waterfall. Pag reminds Kala that under the law of their tribe, Kala can’t get upset. But she replies that Roa could take him away forever.

We catch up to the happy couple making out, discussing if this is a dream or not. As Yor runs back to the camp, Kala confronts Roa, telling her that only one of them can belong to Yor and that one of them must die. She attacks with a knife and we’re treated to some test of strength battling. But oh fuck — the blue-skinned cavemen, led by Ukan, are back!

Yor battles back against the odds and finally gets his one on one battle with Ukan. Meanwhile, Roa does what she does in every battle — get hit right in the head with a blunt object. After a battle to the death, Yor smashes Ukan’s head with a rock several times until he falls into the river. We follow his body long enough down the current to realize that he is truly dead.

But for every measure of happiness in Yor’s World, there is also sadness. Roa is dying, but not before she tells him of a floating island with a wonderful castle — which is where they come from. She asks Yor not to forget her — and to give her medallion to Kala. It is the symbol of their world and if she wears it, she will be accepted by their people. She asks for one more kiss and then dies.

They bury her under a little Stonehenge, while Kala tells Yor that Roa was a better person than her. Pag, ever the realist, reminds Yor that life is not a dream and must go on.

They finally make their way to the ocean, where Yor has to explain that you can’t drink salt water before stretching out Burt Reynolds style on the beach and taking a nap. Pag does some spearfishing and grills up some fish. Just before Yor bites in, we hear a scream. Yep — another dinosaur is doing some dinosaur business, trying to eat some villagers. Our little tribe makes short order of the beast and Kala offers Yor some blood, to which he refuses. Why? I have no idea either — he just laughs it off. Kala is like, I’ve only seen you kill one other dinosaur, so come on, this is a simple mistake. You don’t have to laugh at me for trying to follow logic in a story that defies all logic. Also, everything I’ve written after the phrase “he refuses” is inside my head.

The villagers that Yor saved bring him to meet the rest of their people. Pag notices that guards are watching the skies. One of the villagers asks where Yor’s other wives and children are. Kai, the leader of the village, explains that the sun is their god and offers his daughter, Tanita, to Yor, who responds that he already has a woman. Yor’s learned a life lesson — never upset your wife or she’ll stab other women.

Kai explains how a god came from the sky and killed some of his men. The god had skin that shone like the sun — like Yor’s medallion. They approached the god peacefully, but he murdered one of the tribesmen with fire. They attacked him with clubs and forced him back into his own flames, which killed him. All that was left was some of his clothing.

Everyone noshes on some leaves filled with meat while the kids take You and Kala into a big maze. The girls gather around a little bubbling cauldron, yelling his name and giggling. Kala is afraid, but Yor reminds her that they are just children. One of the girls unites Yor and Kala forever, promising that nothing will separate them. This explains why Yor and Kala aren’t there in the shorter film when the future men attack. As for Pag, he was investigating the god’s clothing and heard a voice warning of the attack.

Fire falls from the skies as the village is destroyed. Yor wants to help, but Pag tells him that if they don’t leave now, they’ll all die. Pag shows him the piece of clothing — damn talking box — that warned him. Yor pledges to get revenge for Kai and his people. Our heroes wander the grounds, telling the rest of the people that his destiny is not here. He asks them to rebuild the village and to find happiness.

Tanita tells Yor of a mysterious island and offers her father’s boat to him. The boat is hidden by fake walls, but not far. Sad waves are exchanged and our brave heroes are off on another quest, leaving behind death and destruction in their wake.

They’re not thirty seconds into their trip before the boat starts taking in water and they get caught in a storm. Yor is swept off the boat and the ship, now with only Pag and Kala on it, wrecks into the rocks. Blackness fills the screen.

Yor wakes up alone on an island, unsure of where he or his tribe is. He yells Kala’s name into the unanswering sea.

Meanwhile, we see a hooded man watching him from afar. They must analyze his card. A stormtrooper looking black-clad man walks into the light as part three comes to a close.

Whew! Watching these in longer parts really amps up the drama — even if I know where the story is going. And if you love Yor as much as me — let’s be honest, no one does — then I bet you can’t wait for the conclusion!