Basket Case (1982)

Frank Henenlotter is an instrumental figure in grindhouse and exploitation film lore. In addition to rescuing many low-budget sexploitation and exploitation films from being destroyed, he made three Basket Case movies, Brain Damage and Basket Case. This is one of the few movies that upsets Becca so much that she refuses to watch it.

Duane Bradley arrives in the grimiest and scummiest New York City with a locked wire basket that contains his formerly conjoined twin, Belial. They were separated against their will and Belial has always resented it, pushing his brother to get revenge on the doctor who cut them apart.

Our hero — well, such as it is — falls in love with a nurse named Sharon, but Belial tries to rape her, can’t perform and kills her instead. Is it any more frightening if I tell you that Belial is basically a rubber glove on Henelotter’s hand? Duane attacks his brother and they fall out of the apartment to their death.

Don’t worry — the brothers survived to make it to the sequel, as well as another film after that where Belial got a powered exo-skeleton. The brothers also show up in the subway in Henenlotter’s Brain Damage.

Critic Rex Reed’s was quoted on the poster for this movie, saying “This is the sickest movie ever made!” He had heard how gross the film was and sought it out. As he left the theater, someone asked him what he thought. He didn’t realize that that person was Henenlotter and as a result, he was furious that he was being used to promote this movie.

The bar scenes were shot in The Hellfire Club, an S&M bar in Manhattan. The crew had to hide all the sex toys and swing, but left behind the buzz saw that killed the boys’ father as a gift. That very same crew was so offended by Sharon’s death scene that they all walked out rather than continue filming it.

You can watch this on Shudder with and without commentary by Joe Bob Briggs.

Madman (1982)

Madman Marz isn’t Freddy or Jason or Michael Meyers or even Leatherface or maybe even Chucky, but dammit he exists. He exists!

Originally based on the upstate New York urban legend of Cropsey, the film’s premise and slasher were both changed at the last minute once the production team discovered that The Burning was filming at the very same.

It took eight months and hundreds of attempts to get an investor — plus a last-minute rewrite to make the movie more unique — but this non-union effort finally made it to the screen.

A group of senior counselors and campers — Gaylen Ross is the only one most people know, as she was in Dawn of the Dead, and plays Betsy under the stage name of Alexis Dubin — gather around a campfire to hear the head counselor Max — who the filmmakers wanted to cast as Vincent Price, which would have been bonkers — regale them with the tale of Madman Marz. He killed his family with an axe and then survived a lynching attempt before disappearing into these very woods.

Richie, one of the kids, throws a rock into Marz’s home and shouts his name, learning no lessons at all from this urban legend. Richie soon sees Marz in the trees — ironically, the cast would see a mysterious person in the woods while they filmed this movie — and before you can say Pamela Vorhees, they’re all getting killed one by one.

T.P. is set up to be the hero here or he at least gets to have hot tub spinning something with Betsy. Seriously, this whole scene is lunacy, as they roll around and have what seems to be the unsexiest sex I’ve ever seen. Betsy then becomes the heroine, but she ends up blasting one of the other counselor’s brains out with a double-barrelled shotgun and narrowly helping the kids escape on a school bus before getting hung up on a hook and setting Marz’s house on fire.

So yeah. The killer survives, the kids are traumatized and there’s an awesome theme song, sung by Tony Fish, the same guy who plays T.P. There’s also a scene where Max lectures about the right way to play the game of axe in the stump, which is kind of like the sword in the stone: “Losing, winning – what’s the difference? Play the game with a fair heart, and you’ll always be able to look yourself in the mirror. Play too hard to win, and you might not like what you become.”

This movie is packed with parts that will make you scream in terror, laugh in utter glee and sing along like some demented maniac. In short, it’s everything a slasher should be. It’s also a reminder that even a non-legendary slasher is still a better movie in 2019 than the finest studio releases.

This is a movie made for 2 AM at the drive-in, bombed out of your mind. You can watch it with and without commentary from Joe Bob Briggs on Shudder. Or you can go all in on the amazing Vinegar Syndrome re-release.

You can watch Joshua Zeman and Barbara Brancaccio’s Cropsey, their 2009 documentary about the New York City urban legend, as a free-stream courtesy of Gravitas Ventures You Tube and Tubi Tv.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

In the interview he did with us this week, Teen Movie Hell author Mike “McBeardo” McPadden said that “All previous teen comedies lead to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and all subsequent teen comedies have proceeded forth from it.”

In his 1981 book, future director Cameron Crowe went undercover at Clairemont High School in San Diego and wrote about his real-life experiences. Directed by Amy Heckerling (Clueless, the Look Who’s Talking series, Johnny Dangerously and National Lampoon’s European Vacation), this movie follows the book and expands on it.

Interestingly enough, Mark Ratner in this film was modeled on a kid named Andy Rathbone, who claims that he actually did a lot of the Spicoli cool things too. He had become friends with Cameron and didn’t realize he was being lied to and ended up pretty hurt by the experience. But don’t feel too bad for him. He went on to write the For Dummies books, so he ended up doing pretty well for himself.

This is a film made up of characters and the way they intersect from the end of summer, the high school year and into the next summer. That’s really the story arch of the film, which allows the characters to breathe and come into their own.

Brad Hamilton (Judge Reinhold) starts the year as one of the most popular seniors at Ridgemont High School. Next year seems set: he’s a multiple time employee of the month at All-American Burger, he’s breaking up with his girlfriend Lisa (Amanda Wyss) so that he can be eligible all year long and his car is nearly paid off. It all falls apart: he gets fired for yelling at an abusive customer, Lisa breaks up with him before he can, he gets a job at Captain Hook Fish & Chips where he’s forced to wear a humiliating outfit and worst of all, he’s caught masturbating by his sister’s best friend Linda (the bewitching Phoebe Cates).

His sister Stacy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) may have an even rougher year: other than her job at the Perry’s Pizza (Leigh actually did work at a Perry’s Pizza for a month before filming began) at the mall, her biggest job seems to be losing her virginity, which she finally does with stereo salesman Ron Johnson, who she tells that she’s 19 (she’s 15 and he’s 26). Their baseball dugout sex is boring and she tries to find love afterward with Mark Ratner, who works at the movie theater at the mall. However, his best friend Damone the ticket scalper ends up trying to steal her away, getting her pregnant, which nice guy Mark ends up helping her take care of. Damone is a total scumbag, but it’s interesting to me that Cameron put the words of his friend Glen Frey into his mouth when he discusses Stacy not seeing anything in Mark: “If this girl can’t smell your qualifications, then who needs her?”

Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) is a surfer who is bold enough to order a pizza to his history class, a fact that does little to endear him to Mr. Hand (Ray Walston). He also ends up wrecking star football player Charles Jefferson’s (Forest Whitaker) Camaro, but his writing racial slurs all over it and blaming the school’s rival Lincoln High ends up leading Jefferson to his best game ever. On the night of prom, Mr. Hand keeps Spicoli in his room, forcing him to pay back the eight hours of class time that he wasted with a one-on-one lesson.

There are tons of little cameos as we amble to the conclusion. This is one of Nicholas Cage’s first films, as he’s one of Spicoli’s stoner buds, as are Eric Stoltz and Anthony Edwards. Pamela Springsteen — Angela Baker herself — shows up, as does Kelli Maroney (Chopping MallNight of the Comet), Vincent Schiavelli as teacher Mr. Vargas and Lana Clarkson (Barbarian Queen and future Phil Spector victim) as his beyond hot wife.

Everything ends up pretty good for all concerned: Mark and Stacy are having a passionate love affair (but haven’t gone all the way yet) while he makes up with Damone, who gets arrested for scalping. Brad gets a job at a convenience store and is promoted to manager after he and Spicoli foil a robbery. Speaking of that iconic character, he saves Brooke Shields from drowning and spends the reward getting Van Halen to play his birthday party. Linda moves in with her Abnormal Psychology professor at UC Riverside. And Mr. Hand still thinks everyone is on dope.

If you were 12 in 1984, like I was, the scene where Phoebe Cates appears rising from the pool changed your life. It’s the kind of cultural connection that kids today will never have. Judge Reinhold brought a large dildo to play with for this scene, which Cates didn’t know about until she saw it. That’s why her look of horror is so honest.

The other star of this film is the Sherman Oaks Galleria, the mall that contains much of the action. This is the mall where Moon Unit Zappa would invent the term valley girl for her song with her father, which led to the movie Valley Girl, which was also filmed in this mall. Other movies that use this location include the aforementioned Chopping Mall and Night of the Comet (which means that Kelli Maroney spent plenty of time at the Galleria), as well as Commando, Back to the Future Part II, Terminator 2: Judgment DayPhantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge and Innerspace.

If you haven’t seen this movie, you really need to get off the internet and fix that. It really holds up and also rewards multiple viewings.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians (1982)

Franco Prosperi made his name directing Italian crime action films, but he also found his way into working in other genres, like 1978’s The Last House on the Left clone The Last House on the Beach, 1973’s parody The Funny Face of the Godfather and two Conan ripoffs, 1983’s Throne of Fire and this obscure piece of weirdness, which is only available as a poor transfer of a VHS tape.

Let me see if I can put this together for you: The peaceful village of Solmen is destroyed by Magen and his Ungats, but two children are saved by the Kuniats, a tribe of Amazon warriors. One of the brothers tries to be a hero and gets beheaded for his efforts, but the other, Gunan The Invincible, lives up to his name and kills everyone in his path.

This movie is borderline mental: one of the death traps involves Gunan’s woman being tied above him while spikes slowly kill her. Luckily, they escape and he kills everyone he gets near. It also rips off a dinosaur battle from One Million Years B.C. and I mean that literally — they take the footage and use it.

Also — every woman is nude for pretty much this entire movie, including Sabrina Siani as the main love of Gunan. She also shows up in Aenigma2020 Texas Gladiators, The Throne of Fire and the Mark Gregory starring Tan Zan The Ultimate Mission. But for all her roles, I’ll always remember her as the always masked and rarely closed Oncron from Fulci’s insane barbarian film, Conquest

Oh yeah — one day, Gunan’s sword will become Excalibur. So there’s that. It’s tacked on and only mentioned in the end of the film’s narration, but that really seems like it should be a much bigger deal.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime or get it from Cult Action.

WATCH THE SERIES: Beastmaster

If you had HBO (Hey, Beastmaster’s On) or TBS (The Beastmaster Station) in the 1990’s, then you’re probably excited to read this. The Beastmaster series of three films ran pretty much non-stop on those channels, even if the first movie wasn’t a success.

Just like PhantasmBeastmaster came from the mind of Don Coscarelli. While he was only involved with the first movie, he set up the character of Dar (Marc Singer). Well, when I say came from the mind, Coscarelli loosely based his original story off of the novel The Beast Master by Andre Norton. In her book, the hero is a Navajo named Hosteen Storm and the story takes place in the future. Unhappy with the changes from page to screen, Norton asked for her name to be removed from the film’s credits.

The Beastmaster (1982)

Welcome to Aruk, where the prophecy of a witch reveals that the evil priest Maax (Rip Torn!) reveals that the son of King Zed (Rod Loomis, who was Freud in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) will eventually kill him. Although Zed exiles the villain, one of Maax’s witches transfers the baby who will become Dar the Beastmaster from his mother’s womb into a cow’s. Yes, I just wrote that. I’m still amazed that this happens.

Dar is rescued by a villager who raises him as her own son inthe village of Emur. This being a sword and sorcery movie, that whole town is destroyed by the Juns, barbarians under Maax’s command. Of course, Dar has been taught since childhood to fight and telepathically communicate with animals. As you do, you know?

Dar eventually puts together his animal familiar army of Sharak the eagle, Kodo and Podo the ferrets and a black tiger named Ruh. He also teams up with Kiri (Tanya Roberts), a slave girl, and even spends time wander amongst a half-bird, half-human race who let him go when they realize that he can speak to an eagle.

What follows are battles with Maax, an appearance by Good Times star John Amos, ferrets bravely sacrificing themselves, baby ferrets being born, Dar learning of his royal blood and birdmen battling barbarians.

Coscarelli didn’t have a good time making this, as he fought with the producers over editing and casting, such as his choice of Demi Moore over Tanya Roberts. Even sadder, Klaus Kinski was the original choice to play Maax!

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

Sylvio Tabet produced the original Beastmaster film, as well as Evilspeak and Fade to Black. This is the one and only film that he ever directed.

This time around, Dar learns that he has a half-brother named Arkon (the amazing Wings Hauser) who is working alongside Lyranna (Sarah Douglas, who was Queen Taramis in Conan the Destroyer and Ursa in the Superman movies) to take over, well, everything. They are almost captured by our hero until they create a portal that brings them to modern day Los Angeles.

Dar, Ruh, Kodo and Sharak follow and battle them over a neutron bomb. Obviouslt, Arklon has seen Ator 2: The Blade Master. Luckily, our hero gets to work alongside rich girl Jackie Trent (Kari Wuhrer) and Lieutenant Coberly (James Avery from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, continuing the lineage of black friends of the Beastmaster coming from sitcoms). Robert Z’Dar also shows up, which is always nice.

Jim Wynorski (SorceressChopping Mall) was originally going to direct and wrote a screenplay before Tabet decided to direct. Luckily for Wynorski, he lawyered up and got to keep his name on the movie and make some money.

This movie completely ignores that Kodo died. And Dar’s mark of the beast switches hands from the last movie. Basically, if you’re into continuity, perhaps the Beastmaster movies aren’t for you.

Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Dar is back one more time, this time trying to rescue his brother, King Tal (finally grown up but now played by Casper Van Dien from Starship Troopers). He’s joined by Tal’s bodyguard Seth (no longer John Amos, but now Tony Todd, which make me audibly shout at 3 AM and wake up my entire house), a warrior woman named Shada (Sandra Hess, Mortal Kombat Annihilation), an acrobat named Bey and Seth’s ex-girlfriend, a sorceress named Morgana (Lesley Anne-Down of all people!).

They’re battling the slumming David Warner as Lord Agon, who has been sacrificing youngsters to shave years off his life. You know, the older I get, the more this seems like a great idea, because most kids I meet today are clueless. He’s also trying to release the dark god Braxus, who looks like a human dinosaur.

This one’s directed by Gabrielle Beaumont, whose was also behind the movie The Godsend and the Jamie Lee Curtis-starring TV movie about Dorothy Stratten, Death of a Centerfold. It was written David Wise, who was one of the main writers on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, so that may account for this one being the most family-friendly of the three films.

Three years after this movie, a syndicated series called Beastmaster lasted for three seasons and 66 episodes. It changes Dar’s story a bit and features Daniel Goddard instead of Marc Singer.

Amazingly, none of the Beastmaster films are available on blu ray in the U.S., although the Australian based Umbrella did release the first film in June of 2018. The disk claims it’s region B, but I’ve heard that it works on American blu ray players.

If you’re looking for all three films, VHSPS has them available on their site, transferred directly from video store copies.

BONUS: Listen to Becca and I discuss the second Beastmaster movie, one of her favorites ever, on our podcast:

Ator 2: The Blade Master (1982)

Joe D’Amato wanted to make a prehistoric movie like Quest for Fire called Adamo ed Eva that read a lot like 1983’s Adam and Eve vs. The Cannibals. However, once he called in Miles O’Keefe to be in the movie, the actor said that he couldn’t be in the film due to moral and religious reasons. One wonders why he was able to work with Joe D’Amato, a guy who made some of the scummiest films around.

Born Aristide Massaccesi, this man of many names had his paws in everything from being a camera operator on Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World to cinematography on What Have You Done to Solange? before directing his own films like Death Smiles on a Murderer, Beyond the DarknessAntropophagus2020 Texas Gladiators, Endgame and so many more. He also worked with porn stars like Rocco Siffredi on Tarzan X – Shame of Jane before being an early innovator of porn-based parodies/cover versions of other works of art, such as Shakespeare porn (Othello 2000), mythology (Hercules – A Sex Adventure), famous icons (ScarfaceAmadeus Mozart) and, of course, plenty of looks into the deviance of the Roman empire.

This time around, Aristide Massaccesi is known as David Hills, for those keeping score.

Akronos has found the Geometric Nucleus and is keeping its secret safe when Zor (Ariel from Jubilee) and his men attack the castle. The old king begs his daughter Mila (Lisa Foster, who starred in the Cinemax classic Fanny Hill and later became a special effects artist and video game developer) to find his student Ator (O’Keefe).

Mila gets shot with an arrow pretty much right away, but Ator knows how to use palm leaves and dry ice to heal any wound, a scene which nearly made me fall of my couch in fits of giggles. Soon, she joins Ator and Thong as they battle their way back to the castle, dealing with cannibals and snake gods.

Somehow, Ator also knows how to make a modern hang glider and bombs, which he uses to destroy Zor’s army. After they battle, Ator even wants Zor to live, because he’s a progressive barbarian hero, but the bad guy tries to kill him. Luckily, Thong takes him out.

After all that, Akronos gives the Geometric Nucleus to Ator, who also pulls that old chestnut out that his life is too dangerous to share with her. He takes the Nucleus to a distant land and sets off a nuke.

Yes, I just wrote that. Because I just watched that.

If you want to see this with riffing, it’s called The Cave Dwellers in its Mystery Science Theater 3000 form. But man, a movie like this doesn’t really even need people talking over it. It was shot with no script in order to compete with Conan the Destroyer. How awesome is that?

You can get this from Revok.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

When Robert E. Howard created Conan, it was popular for its time as a pulp character. By the time of his creator’s suicide in 1936, Conan had appeared in 21 complete stories, 17 of which had been published, as well as a number of unfinished tales. After years of the copyright to the character passing around, Lancer released a series of paperbacks with dynamic Frank Frazetta covers that introduced the Cimmerian barbarian to an entirely new audience.

In 1970, Marvel Comics began adapting the Howard tales, arguably increasing the reach of the character even further than the original books. Then, in 1975, Edward R. Pressman (who also produced Christmas Evil) and Edward Summer started working on getting the books onto the silver screen. They had Oliver Stone writing it and Arnold Schwarzenegger for the lead, but couldn’t get major studios interested.

However, in 1979, they sold the project to Dino De Laurentiis and John Milius picked as the director. Combining several Howard stories, the filming took place in Spain and the entire film was based on Frazetta’s artwork. After a year of editing — and plenty of gore being cut out — the film was released to $100 million dollars of box office, which increased thanks to home video and cable. Some don’t consider it a blockbuster, but how else would there so many ripoffs released in its wake?

The film begins with a sword being forged by a blacksmith who shows it to his son, the young Conan, and tells him the Riddle of Steel. To sum it up, “Flesh grows weak. Steel becomes brittle. But the will is indomitable”. He tells his son that everyone will fail him, but he can always count on steel.

The Cimmerians are soon murdered by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). This villain is a combination of several Howard characters. While his name comes from one of Kull of Atlantis’ villains, he is similar to Thoth-Amon, leading an army of suicidal warriors devoted to their king.

Conan’s father is killed by dogs and his sword is given to Doom, who hypnotizes and then beheads Conan’s mom (Nadiuska, who was also in Guyana: Cult of the Damned) in front of him. Our hero is then sold into slavery, chained to a mill stone known as the Wheel of Pain. While other children die, Conan lives to become a monster of a man, consigned to the gladiator pits and used as a stud to create more soldiers. Yet Conan becomes a favorite of the men he has been sold to and is educated in the East before being freed.

Conan wanders the world as a free man, finding an ancient sword and meeting a witch who gives him a prophecy of his future. This scene kinda blows my mind, because Conan is so good at having sex that he turns the witch into a demon and then throws her into the fire. That’s how good Conan is in the sack.

Conan befriends Subotai (surfing legend Gerry Lopez), a Hyrkanian thief, and Valeria, a female mercenary. Her name comes from Conan’s companion in the story “Red Nails”, while her personality and fate are based on Bêlit, the pirate queen of “Queen of the Black Coast.” She’s played by Sandahl Bergman, who is also in She, a totally ridiculous movie that I want more people to love as much as me.

In the city of Zamora, the trio steal from the Tower of Serpents and Valeria and Conan seal their union by making love. Soon, they’re captured by the soldiers of King Osrić (Max von Sydow), who only ask that three bring back his daughter. Subotai and Valeria refuse, but Conan’s hatred of Doom sends him to the Temple of Set.

There, he’s captured and tortured, as Doom insults his family and crucifies him on the Tree of Woe. Before our hero dies, Subotai rescues him and brings him to Akiro, the Wizard of the Mounds. He’s played by Mako, who was also the voice of Master Splinter in 2007’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The wizard summons demons that heal our hero but extract a heavy toll that Valeria agrees to pay.

Finally, our heroes go back to Doom’s temple and unleash their full vengeance. However, Doom himself becomes a giant snake and slithers away, because this movie is both insane and awesome. As the trio rides away, Doom shoots Valeria with a snake arrow and she dies in Conan’s arms, paying the toll that the wizard warned her about.

She is burned at the Mounds. As Conan stares at the fire, having lost the love of his life, Subotai cries for his friend, explaining that “a Cimmerian won’t cry, so I cry for him.” How is a film sotestosteronee and gore filled so poetic at times?

Our hero lays waste to Doom’s troops and when Rexor (former Oakland Raider Ben Davidson, who also played the bouncer in Behind the Green Door), one of the largest of them, almost kills him Valeria reappears as a valkyrie to save him for the briefest of seconds. Subotai saves the princess and Conan finds his father’s sword and breaks it in combat. Look for Sven Ole Thorsen in this too as Thorgrim. Sven has dated Grace Jones since 1990, but has been in an open relationship with her since 2007. He’s also in Conan the Destroyer and The Running Man.

That night, Conan comes back to the Temple and is greeted with open arms by Doom, who tries to mentally stop him. Conan resists and beheads his enemy with his father’s broken sword. He has solved the Riddle of Steel: you must become the steel and only rely upon yourself.

Conan burns down the Temple of Set and returns the princess to her father. The movie then shows us Conan on the throne of an empire, letting us know that one day he will rule the entire land.

No one could play Conan but Arnold, who started growing his hair in 1979 for this part. He trained for this movie like he did for his bodybuilding competitions: weapons training, martial arts training, horse riding lessons, even sword fighting with an 11-pound broadsword two hours a day for three months, as well as how to fall and roll from 15-foot drops. He also got 5% of the movie’s profits, a pretty hefty sum.

I love this movie. I adore the fact that Conan doesn’t speak until 20 minutes into the film and doesn’t speak for the last 20 minutes either. It’s awesome that Valeria is just as strong of a fighter — and maybe even stronger in spirit — as Conan. Every 80’s sword and sorcery movie is in debt to this, as much as Arnold claims that his performance is owed to peblum star Steve Reeves.

Sorceress (1982)

I’ve been wanting to watch this movie for years. It has the most perfect of trailers, one that shows off its triumphant score, battles and ridiculous special effects, along with the twin sisters who will rise up to battle an evil wizard. Seriously, if you watch this trailer and don’t want to watch this movie, I really have no idea why you’re on our site.

How does an evil wizard get awesome powers? Well, if you’re Traigon, you’re going to have to sacrifice your firstborn child to the god Caligara. However, his wife surprises him by having twins and not revealing which one came first, so he has his men stick a giant claw into her nether regions, making you instantly realize that Jim Wynorski wrote this movie.

Before she passes away, she gives the babies to Krona, a warrior who promises to raise these “girl children” to be warriors — the two who are one — who will get revenge for their mother.

Twenty years later, after losing the first of his three lives to Krona, Traigon comes back to hunt down his daughters, who are now joined by Erlik the barbarian and Baldar the Viking.

Mira and Mara are played by Leigh and Lynette Harris, twin sisters who appeared together in the April 1978 issue of Playboy. They’re also in I, the Jury, the film that Larry Cohen quit to make Q the Winged Serpent.

This is a Roger Corman on the cheap production, one that steals the score from Battle Beyond the Stars. In typical Corman fashion, he also shortchanged director Jack Hill, who asked for his name to be removed because the special effects were shortchanged and also because he had written a role for his friend Sid Haig, who Corman refused to hire at the last minute. Instead, he’s credited as Brian Stuart, the first names of Corman’s sons. Hill also claims that Dino De Laurentiis stole his film’s lighting equipment to film Dune.

Becca would like you to know that the only reason they made this movie is just to show boobs. She’s never lived in a world without the internet, so perhaps she doesn’t understand. Me, I wanted to see the giant flying lion at the end, because I’m a grown-up adult.

There’s also a monkey man in this movie, a development that makes as much sense — and has me as excited — as when the werewolf dude shows up in Turkey Shoot. There’s also a satyr that helps our heroes who really creeped Becca out as he mostly screams like a goat.

Also: the twins are like the Corsican Brothers, so of course there is a scene where one has sex and the other lies there and orgasms while the goatman watches. Because man, what a missed opportunity if that hadn’t happened.

The end of this film, where the monkey man turns good and a giant woman’s head in the sky battles a flying lion while a virgin sacrifice happens? It’s everything I wanted this movie to be. It’s why you should be watching this.

Want to see more of Jack Hill’s films? I definitely recommend Spider Baby, which is as strange of a movie as you can find. There’s also Switchblade SistersCoffyFoxy BrownThe Big Doll HouseThe Big Bird Cage and many more. They’re worth discovering.

You can watch Sorceress for free with an Amazon Prime membership.

Tenebre (1982)

By 1982, Dario Argento had moved beyond the constraints of the giallo genre he had helped popularize and started to explore the supernatural with Suspiria and Inferno. According to the documentary Yellow Fever: The Rise and Fall of the Giallo (which is on the Synapse blu ray of this film), the failure of Inferno led to Argento being kindly asked — or demanded — by his producer to return to the giallo with his next film.

Tenebre is the result and while on the surface it appears to be a return to form, the truth is that it’s perhaps one of the most multilayered and complicated films I’ve ever seen. And while I’ve always believed that Phenomena is Argento’s strangest film — a girl who can talk to bugs befriends a monkey to battle a cannibal child in a foreign country — I have learned that Tenebre just might be even stranger.

To start, Argento intended for the film to be almost science fiction, taking place five years after a cataclysmic event, in a world where there are less fewer people and as a result, cities are less crowded and the survivors are richer. Argento claims that if you watch Tenebre with this in mind, it’s very apparent. While he only hinted that the survivors wanted to forget some mystery event, in later interviews he claims that it takes place in an imaginary city where the people left behind try to forget a nuclear war.

In truth, this could be an attempt to explain why Argento decided to show an Italy that he never had in his films before. Whereas in the past he spent so much time showing the landmarks and crowded streets that make up The Eternal City, he would now move into a sleek futuristic look, a Rome that exists but that films had never shown its viewers before. This pushes this film away from past Argento giallo such as his animal trilogy and Deep Red, as well as the waves of imitators that he felt undermined and cheapened his work. There is no travelogue b-roll time wasters in this movie — the actual setting is there for a reason; stark, cold and alienating.

Argento had started that he “dreamed an imaginary city in which the most amazing things happen,” so he turned to the EUR district of Rome, which was created for the 1942 World’s Fair, and intended by  Mussolini to celebrate two decades of fascism. Therefore, more than showing a Rome that most filmgoers have never seen, he is showing us a Rome that never was or will be; a world where so many have died, yet fascism never succumbed.

Instead of the neon color palette that he’s established in Suspiria or the Bava-influenced blues and reds that lesser lights would use in their giallo, production designer Giuseppe Bassan and Argento invented a clean, cool look; the houses and apartments look sparse and bleached out. When the blood begins to flow — and it does, perhaps more than in any film he’d create before or since — the crimson makes that endless whiteness look even bleaker.

Tenebre may mean darkness or shadows in Latin, but Argento pushed for the film to be as bright as possible, without the shadowplay that made up much of his past work. In fact, unlike other giallo, much of the plot takes place in the daytime and one murder even takes place in broad daylight.

Again, I feel that this movie is one made of frustration. As Argento tried to escape the giallo box that he himself had made, he found himself pulled back into it in an attempt to have a success at the box office. In this, he finds himself split in two, the division between art and commerce.

As a result, the film is packed with duality. There are two killers: one who we know everything about and is initially heroic; another who we learn almost nothing about other than they are an evil killer. Plus, nearly everyone in this film has a mirror character and soon even everyday objects like phone booths and incidents like car crashes begin happening in pairs.

Peter Neal (Anthony Franciosa, Julie Darling) is set up from the beginning of the film as the traditional giallo hero: he is in a foreign place, deaths are happening all around him and he may be the inspiration or reason why they’re happening. He has more than one double in this film, but for most of it, his doppelganger is Detective Giermani. The policeman is a writer himself and a fan of Neal’s work, claiming that he can never figure out who the killer is in his books. Their cat and mouse game seems to set up a final battle; that finale is quick and brutal.

This conversation between the two men sums up the linguistic battle they engage in throughout the film:

Peter Neal: I’ve been charged, I’ve tried building a plot the same way you have. I’ve tried to figure it out; but, I just have this hunch that something is missing, a tiny piece of the jigsaw. Somebody who should be dead is alive, or somebody who should be alive is already dead.

Detective Germani: Explain that.

Peter Neal: You know, there’s a sentence in a Conan Doyle book, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

This last sentence is of great interest to me when it comes to giallo. Normally, these films are not based upon Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but instead, use Edgar Wallace as a touchpoint. They are also filled with red herrings and nonsensical endings where the impossible and improbable often becomes the final answer to the mystery.

Even the movie’s plot is split in half and mirrors itself. This next sentence gives away the narrative conceit of the film: the murders are solved in the first half, belonging to Christiano Berti (John Steiner, Shock), a TV critic who interviews Neal. The second murders are all Neal’s, who uses an axe instead of a straight razor, and his crimes are personal crimes of passion that aren’t filled with the sexual aggression of Berti’s; they are quick and to the point. Much of giallo is about long, complicated and ornate murder, as well as trying to identify the killer. As the film goes on, with the main killer revealed and the murders becoming less flashy, it’s as if Argento is commenting on the increasing brutality of the genre he helped midwife.

The movie itself starts with the book Tenebre being burnt in a fireplace with this voiceover: “The impulse had become irresistible. There was only one answer to the fury that tortured him. And so he committed his first act of murder. He had broken the most deep-rooted taboo and found not guilt, not anxiety or fear, but freedom. Any humiliation which stood in his way could be swept aside by the simple act of annihilation: Murder.”

That’s when we meet Neal, an American in Rome, here to promote his latest work of violent horror, Tenebre. This bit of metafiction is but the first bit of a film that fuses the real and fictional worlds. Joined by Anne (Fulci’s wife Daria Nicolodi) and agent Buller (John Saxon!), Neal begins his press tour.

Before he left, Neal’s fiancée Jane vandalized his suitcase. And moments prior to him landing in Rome, a shoplifter (Ania Pieroni, the babysitter from The House by the Cemetery) who stole his book has been murdered by a straight razor, with pages from said book — again, Tenebre — stuffed into her mouth. Neal has received an anonymous letter proclaiming that he did the murder to cleanse the world of perversion.

Throughout the film, we see flashbacks of a man being tormented, such as a woman chasing down a young man and forcing him to fellate her high heel while other men hold him down. Later, we see the stereotypical giallo black gloved POV sequence of her being stabbed to death.

Next, one of Neal’s friends, Tilde and her lover Marion are stalked and killed. This sequence nearly breaks the film because nothing can truly see to follow it. In fact, the distributor begged Argento to cut the shot down because it was meaningless, but the director demanded that it remain. Using a Louma crane, the camera darts over and above the couple’s home in a several-minutes-long tracking shot. Any other director would film these murders with quick cuts between the victim and listener in the other room or perhaps employ a split-screen. Not Argento, who continually sends his camera spiraling into the night sky, high above Rome, across a maze of scaffolding; a shot that took three days to capture and lasts but two and a half minutes. In one endless take, the camera goes from rooftop to window, making a fortress of a home seem simple to break into; it’s as if Argento wanted to push the Steadicam open of Halloween to the most ridiculous of directorial masturbation. It’s quite simply breathtaking.

Maria, the daughter of Neal’s landlord, who is presented to us as a pure woman (much of giallo, to use Argento’s own words in Yellow Fever: The Rise and Fall of the Giallo, is split between the good girl and the bad woman), is killed when she discovers the killer’s lair. Neal mentions that Berti, the TV personality, seemed obsessed with him and his words echoed the letters from the killer. As Neal has now become the giallo hero, he must do his own investigation, taking his assistant Gianni (Christian Borromeo, Murder Rock) to spy on the man. They discover him burning photos that prove he is the killer.

As Gianni watches, Berti says, “I killed them all!” before an axe crashes into his skull. Whomever the second murderer is, the young man can’t recall. He finds his boss, Neal, knocked out on the front yard and they escape.

That night, Neal and Anne make love, the first time this has ever happened between the two. And the next morning, Neal leaves his agent’s office and discovers his fiancée Jane is secretly sleeping with someone he once considered his best friend.

Giermani asks Neal to visit Berti’s apartment, where they find that the dead man was obsessed with the writer, but don’t discover any of the burnt evidence. The idea that someone could become so obsessed with your work that they’d kill comes directly from Argento’s life. In Los Angeles in the wake of Suspiria‘s surprising international success, an obsessed fan called Argento’s room again and again. While those calls started off nicely enough, by the end, the fan began explaining how he wanted “to harm Argento in a way that reflected how much the director’s work had affected him” and that in the same way that the director had ruined his life, he wanted to ruin his. Argento hid out in Santa Monica, but the caller found him, so he finally went back to Italy. He claimed that the incident was “symptomatic of that city of broken dreams.”

Back to the real story — or the movie story — at hand: Neal decides to leave Rome. Jane receives a pair of red shoes, like the ones we’ve seen in the flashbacks. Bullmer is waiting for Jane in public before he is murdered in broad daylight. And then Neal’s plane leaves for Paris.

Gianni, however, is haunted by the fact that he can’t remember the crime. He returns to Berti’s apartment and it all comes flooding back to him. This moment of visual blindness — and eventually recovery — suggests that Gianni will be pivotal in the resolution of the film and become a hero; ala Sam in The Bird with the Crystal Plumage or Marcus in Deep Red. Not so in the world of Tenebre, as he’s killed within moments.

Argento’s callbacks to his past films are not complete — Jane enters her apartment and walks past a sculpture, again directly and visually recalling The Bird with the Crystal Plumage. She’s called Anne and has a gun, so one assumes that she now knows that she’s not the only unfaithful one in her relationship. An axe shatters the scene and the window as Jane’s arm sprays blood everywhere, almost like some demented surrealist painting. This scene was the cause of numerous cuts with Italian censors and the uncut version still packs plenty of punch.

A quick note — for a movie where Argento was supposedly answering his critics that his work had become too violent and anti-female — the fact that he answers them with an inversion of even more gore and dead women is either the most metacomment of all time or he truly does not give a fuck.

Inspector Altieri enters and is also killed, revealing Neal as the murderer. Anne and Giermani arrive, just in time for Neal to testify to killing Berti and everyone afterward before he slits his own throat.

The flashbacks return and we realize they were Neal’s. While Argento never outright shows it in the film, the girl in the flashbacks was played by transgender actress Eva Robin’s (who got her name from Eva Kant from Danger: Diabolik and the author Harold Robbins), so this further adds to the mirrored theme, as one of Neal’s foremost sexual experiences was not just one of humiliation, but of sublimation and even the greatest heterosexual male fear, penetration. That repressed memory of his childhood sexual trauma and revenge, for some reason unlocked, restoked the bloodlust that he had kept in check for years.

As the detective returns inside, we’re gifted with one of Argento’s most arresting pieces of imagery: as Giermani studies the murder scene, his body contains the shape of Neal, who had faked his death. As he looks down and moves out of frame, the killer is revealed. In essence, the inverse doppelganger is revealed. Brian DePalma, a director who trods the same psychosexual violent domain as Argento, used –stole? — a similar shot in his 1992 film, Raising Cain.

Neal waits for Anne to return. When she opens the door, she knocks over the metal sculpture that referenced Argento’s past work and the sculpture impales the killer. This sequence was copied nearly shot for shot in Kenneth Branagh’s Dead Again, a movie just as influenced by Argento’s work, but also one that would receive much more critical praise.

Surrounded by unending horror, Anne simply screams into the rain, unable to stop. This is another meta moment that we can view on multiple levels:

A. Her character is reacting to the hopelessness of the film’s climax in the only way she has left.

B. Nicolodi, like the other Italians in the film, had little to no character to work with. Frustrated, she bonded with lead actor Franciosa over Tennessee Williams plays, leading to her husband Argento growing increasingly jealous as filming progressed (the couple would split three years later). Therefore, her screams are a genuine reaction to the hopelessness she was feeling for real and took the entire crew by surprise.

C. Asia Argento, the daughter of Dario and Nicolodi, has stated that this scene and her mother’s commitment to it, would prove to her that she should be an actress. As she matures in age, it’s notable that Argento’s films make a shift toward female protagonists (and even Asia in that lead role in his movies TraumaThe Stendhal SyndromeThe Phantom of the Opera and the final film in the Suspiria Three Mother’s cycle, The Mother of Tears).

I’ve written nearly three thousand words on this film and feel like I could type so many more. It strikes me on so many levels. According to the audio commentary on the Tenebre blu ray by Kim Newman and Alan Jones, one of Argento’s reoccurring theme is that art can kill. You can take this literally — certainly the sculpture at the end ends Neal’s life — or you can see how the darker art gets, the more it impacts the life of its creator (see Fulci’s Cat in the Brain and Craven’s New Nightmare for variations and mediations on this same theme).

Here, the critic Berti’s obsession with the creator Neal’s work compels him to kill in homage to the writer. Is this Argento’s metacommentary that critics — who have never been kind to his work — can only aspire to slavish devotion to his themes and no new creation of their own? That said, the artist isn’t presented as much worthier of a person. He believes that his violent acts of fiction and violent acts of reality are one and the same, all part of the same tapestry of unreality. When he’s finally confronted by what he’s done, all he can do is yell, “It was like a book … a book!”

The second event in Argento’s real life that informs this film comes from a Japanese tourist being shot dead in the lobby of the Beverly Hilton while the director stayed there. Combined with a drive-by shooting that he saw outside a local cinema — which has to feel like a killing outside of a church to a devotee like Argento — the sheer senselessness of murder in America was another reason that Dario left the country.

He would later remark, “To kill for nothing, that is the true horror of today … when that gesture has no meaning whatsoever it’s completely repugnant, and that’s the sort of atmosphere I wanted to put across in Tenebre.”

I can see some of that, but for someone who has presented murder as works of art — perfect preplanned symphonies of mayhem — the stunning realization that real life death is ugly and imperfect must have punched Argento right in the metaphorical face.

You can watch Tenebre on Shudder or order the Synapse blu ray, which is packed with features, including the American Unsane cut, the Yellow Fever: The Rise and Fall of the Giallo documentary and more.

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

I watched Slumber Party Massacre 2 before I saw the first one. I really don’t think this interfered with my enjoyment of either of the films as they have only the smallest bits of connectivity. They share drills, murder, mayhem and a character or two. I’m willing to bet I’ll feel the same way about the third film and where it fits in.

Directed by Amy Holden Jones (who wrote Mystic Pizza, Beethoven and Indecent Proposal, in addition to directing Corvette Summer) and written by Rita Marie Brown as a parody of the slasher genre, this film is but the first of three female directed drill killer starring slasher send-ups.

Originally known as Don’t Open the Door (the Italian title for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), this movie is all about Trish Devereaux-Craven (Michelle Michaels, who shows up in Death Wish 4 and New Year’s Evil) throwing a slumber party while her parents are out of town. That event takes place just as Russ Thorn, an escaped mass murderer, is out looking for blood and targets for his power drill.

Russ kills Linda (Brinke Stevens, thanks for your service) in the shower before the party even begins. Then he comes after the basketball playing party girls — Kim, Jackie and Diane — as well as new girl in school Valerie (Robin Rochelle, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama) and her little sister Courtney.

There are some boys, some mischief and plenty of drilling mayhem, as well as a pizza guy who sacrifices himself and his eyes (alert Fulci!) so that the girls can get their grub on. Russ survives all manner of mayhem and deals it out in kind before succumbing to being beat with a fireplace poker, losing his drill bit and left hand, then falling into a swimming pool and stabbed with his own machete.

While originally written from a more feminist and satirical perspective, this was shot as a straight film. It doesn’t approach the dizzying lunacy of the sequel, but it’s an enjoyable enough waste of your time.

Want to see it for yourself? You can order it from Shout! Factory or stream it for free on Amazon Prime.

The artwork for this article comes from Tim Monster, whose site features amazing screen prints and posters. Order a bunch now!