EDITOR’S NOTE: The Pharaoh’s Curse was on Chiller Theater on Saturday, January 2, 1965, at 1 a.m., Saturday, May 6, 1967, at 11:20 p.m., and Saturday, April 6, 1968, at 1:00 a.m.

King Diamond once sang,

“Now, if you breaking the seals

And disturbing the peace

Then you’re startin’ up a curse

Bringin’ evil disease

Don’t touch, never ever steal

Unless you’re in for the kill

Or you’ll be hit by the curse of the Pharaohs

Yes, you’ll be hit and the curse is on you”

Maybe King wasn’t singing about off-brand mummy movies, but man, I love movies unconnected to the Universal Monster Mummy yet totally want to be in the same universe.

I am Sam and I am now obsessed with mummy movies.

Lee “Roll ‘Em” Sholem had so many credits, from Superman and Tarzan movies and shows to directing Criswell’s TV series and the movies Tobor the Great, Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki, Hell Ship Mutiny and probably a few thousand other things. Literally. There are so many urban legends about his work, like how Phyllis Coates got knocked out on an Adventures of Superman episode and he revived her and shot all her scenes for the day before her face swelled up. Or how he kept bringing the same attractive blonde to be the new Jane in the Tarzan movies, only to get turned down by producer Sol Lesser, only for that girl to end up being Marilyn Monroe. Who cares if these stories are true? What matters is that they are great stories.

But hey — we’re here for mummies.

Welcome to Egypt. Cradle of civilization. Also, the home of mummies. A bunch of scientists are digging where they shouldn’t, which means Captain Storm (Mark Dana) has to save them and maybe even pull a John Ashley with one of the wise guy’s wives, Sylvia (Diane Brewster, Miss Canfield on Leave It to Beaver). Or maybe he can get with local Simira (Ziva Rodann, who played Nefertiti on Batman and Venus de Viasa in Macumba Love).

How wild is it that this mummy — spoiler warning! — Is it really someone transformed into a mummy? And it drinks blood! It also lives without an arm, which is the best kind of mummy.

Shot in six days, one in Death Valley, this is the kind of movie that also has a cat monster and then sort of forgets it. I mean, it’s an hour long. Some people reviewing it expect it to make out with them or something. Perhaps you’ve never seen a 1950s generic mummy movie and were expecting a Criterion-level epic. I mean, it has the tomb of Pharaoh Ra-Antef to find, the disintegrating marriage of Sylvia and Robert Quentin (George N. Neise), and a possession film lurking inside the bandages of a mummy movie.

I mean, the poster says, “A blood-lusting mummy that kills for a cat-goddess!”

That’s good enough.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Unnameable was on USA Up All Night on October 7, 1989.

Based on “The Unnamable” by H.P. Lovecraft, this movie was directed and written by Jean-Paul Ouellette. It begins in the Winthrop house, a place where a female demon is hiding, having already killed the owner.

Randolph Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson) is a Lovecraft character who shows up or is mentioned in seven of his stories: “The Statement of Randolph Carter,” “The Unnameable,” The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath, “The Silver Key,” The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, “Through the Gates of the Silver Key” and “Out of the Aeons.” He’s joined by his friends, Howard Damon (Charles King ) and Joel Manton (Mark Parra). They decide to stay all night in the Winthrop house themselves, hoping they won’t meet his evil daughter, Alyda (Katrin Alexandre). As for Howard, he just wants to know Tanya Heller (Alexandra Durrell) better, a student who comes along to see what this house is all about.

The Necronomicon, living trees, Miskatonic University, a bloody decapitation, some quick nudity from Laura Albert…what else do you want from this movie? It looks great and has a nice mood to it. I’m all for Lovecraft movies being made on the cheap; it’s a genre in and of itself.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Less Than Zero was on USA Up All Night on June 25, 1994.

Directed by Marek Kanievska, written by Harley Peyton and based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis, Less Than Zero exists in that world where five years seem to have passed between high school graduation and Thanksgiving break during the first year of college. Clay (Andrew McCarthy) comes home only to learn that his ex-girlfriend and now model, Blair (Jami Gertz), and friend Julian (Robert Downey Jr.) are addicted to drugs and sleeping with one another. Also: Julian is homeless and being harassed by Rip (James Spader) for the money he’s owed for his drug habit.

80s kids were scandalized to learn that Downey Jr.’s character would be turned out and pimped to rich men before dying of a heart attack. Yes, the idea that male prostitutes mainly were with other men — and women rarely paid for sex — was alien to us back then.

But the soundtrack! A Def Jam soundtrack with Aerosmith doing “Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu,” Danzig writing “Life Fades Away” for Roy Orbison, Poison covering KISS, LL Cool J’s “Going Back to Cali,” The Bangles covering “Hazy Shade of Winter,” Slayer blowing through “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,” Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise” and Danzig and the Power and Fury Orchestra playing the theme song to this movie, which sounds a ton like “To Sir With Love.” It’s the first post-Samhain Danzig song, and Rick Rubin thought Eerie Von wasn’t good enough on bass, so George Drakoulias played. And while not on the soundtrack, The Cult’s “Lil Devil,” Run D.M.C.’s “Christmas In Hollis,” “Bump ‘n Grind” by David Lee Roth, “Fight Like a Brave” by Red Hot Chili Peppers and “Moonlight Drive” by The Doors are in the movie.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Iron Eagle was on USA Up All Night on July 28, 1989.

The video store and cable era did not believe in “we have that at home.” It believed that if Top Gun was already rented or wasn’t on, we needed something just like it. That something was Iron Eagle, which came out the same year. Directed by Sidney J. Furie (The Entity), who co-wrote the script with Kevin Alyn Elders, the film features Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick) being rejected from flight school, just as his father, Colonel Ted Masters (Tim Thomerson), is shot down over Bilya. Bilya isn’t real, so we can hate everyone in it who has sentenced Doug’s father to die in three days.

Somehow, Doug and Col. Charles “Chappy” Sinclair (Louis Gossett Jr.) are able to steal two F-18 jets and make it to Bilya. That means that Doug — with a few days of training — must battle Ministry of Defense Colonel Akir Nakesh (David Suchet) to save his dad. He’s already learned how to napalm people, so he has that going for him.

Spoiler, but everyone makes it out alive. This is followed by Iron Eagle II, Aces: Iron Eagle III and Iron Eagle on the Attack, with Gossett being the only actor to appear in all of these movies. They were years ahead of that Top Gun sequel, huh? And that movie might have a great soundtrack, but this one features Kobra doing the theme song, Queen playing “One Vision” and Dio’s “Hide In the Rainbow.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Dr. Alien was on USA Up All Night. Does anyone know when?

How do I keep going down the rabbit hole of David DeCoteau films? Well, here we go again, with Ms. Xenobia (Judy Landers, Hellhole, Stewardess School) coming from space to teach biology to a bunch of horndog teenagers, including Bad Ronald’s half-brother Bill Jacoby. He’s Wesley Littlejohn and gets to aardvark with Ms. Landers after a vitamin supplement causes a phallic antenna to emerge from his forehead.

He also has a band called the Sex Mutants, who play along with another band called the Poon Tangs (who are made up of Ginger Lynn Allen, Linnea Quigley and Laura Albert). Sure, he was trained as a classical pianist, but what our alien sex fiend really wants to do is rock and roll.

Karen Russell from Shock ‘Em Dead and Memorial Valley Massacre is also in this, as are Michelle Bauer, Olivia Barash (Repo Man, Tuff Turf), Edy Williams, Troy Donahue and Arlene Golonka from Mayberry RFD.

Originally titled I Was a Teenage Sex Mutant, there was almost a sequel called “Star Pupil.” Writer Kenneth J. Hall was also behind Nightmare Sisters, Evil Spawn and Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, among other films.

Nothing in this is as good as the poster of Landers with a ridiculous-looking alien. But you already know that going in.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Bachelor Party was on USA Up All Night on September 24, 1994; May 12 and November 25, 1995.

Directed by Neal Israel, who co-wrote it with Pat Proft, this was a formative movie in my teenage years. Probably yours, as well. I mean, who doesn’t remember Nick the Dick?

Rick Gassko (Tom Hanks) has finally decided to settle down with his girlfriend Debbie Thompson (Tawny Kitean), which leads his friends to plan one last night to look back on when Rick is tied down. Led by Jay O’Neill (Adrien Zmed), they create a party that even ends up killing a mule. This was the kind of party I thought I would go to when I grew up. I can tell you have never been to a single party that has this level of chaos.

Can Rick have fun while avoiding his new in-laws (George Grizzard and Barbara Stuart)? Will his friend Brad (Bradford Bancroft) kill himself? How good is Michael Dudikoff at comedy? Did you kickstart puberty when Monique Gabrielle arrived?

At the end of the movie, there’s a 3D film festival playing. There are some real films — House of Wax, Dial M for Murder and Comin’ at Ya! plus these fakes: Syborg, The Bug, Boulxi Blood Bath, Chainsaw Child, Hell House, Battle for Berkely, Bat Beast, Zenobia, Pedestrian Bondage, Glendale Girls Go Beserk, Zulu, Watts Wilderness, Richard III, Death Cult Bar-Mitsva and Sioux City.

I must confess that I watched this movie every time it aired. It actually has a heart and isn’t just all nudity, as it turns out.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Ghoulies II was on USA Up All Night on February 2, May 3 and December 7, 1991.

Directed and written by Albert Band, this was the last Ghoulies movie to have any involvement from Charles Band, who sold the rights to Vestron Pictures to save Empire Pictures.

The ghoulies hit the road in this one, hiding in a truck that’s carrying a dark ride for a carnival. If Satan’s Den doesn’t start generating some revenue, the carnival is going to close. So Larry (Damon Martin), his drunken Uncle Ned (Royal Dano) and a Shakespeare-quoting smaller man named Sig Nigel (Phil Fondacaro) are going to give it all they’ve got. What they don’t know is that the scares are being created by actual demons. Or ghoulies. You know what I mean.

Shot on a soundstage in Rome’s Empire Studios, this was the only Ghoulies movie to play in theaters. I kind of love that W.A.S.P. has “Scream Until You Like It” on the soundtrack. What was it with W.A.S.P. and Empire Pictures movies? Their song “Tormentor” is also in The Dungeonmaster (and Ghost Warrior, which is not an Empire film).

This movie believes in viewer feedback. After many people complained that no one was killed on a toilet in the first Ghoulies, this was fixed here.

Also, this movie inspired me to create a Letterboxd list of 80s horror and science fiction movies featuring Royal Dano as a drunk. And a list of movies where W.A.S.P. shows up, too.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Critters 2: The Main Course was on USA Up All Night on June 9, 1997.

The first film Mick Garris directed, Critters 2, brings the evil aliens back to Earth as a hidden number of eggs hatch, bringing Ug (Terence Mann), Lee (Roxanne Kernohan), and Charlie McFadden (Don Keith Opper) back to the planet to stop the Critters. However, when the evil creatures eat Lee, Ug begins to grow depressed and transforms from his rock star form to his actual alien appearance.

This time, the Crites have a new power to form a giant ball of black fur. It’s pretty intense, and this movie was intended to be scarier than the first one. Did they succeed? Roger Ebert said, “Unlike the original film, which was a genuinely entertaining ripoff of E.T., Starman, The Terminator and Gremlins, this movie is not even a competent ripoff of Critters.” He followed that up with this: “The makers of this film could not generate a single idea that was not provided for them by the makers of the original film. They went into the project with a ripoff on their mind.”

But hey — Eddie Deezen is in it!

They also made at least three more after it. As someone who has adopted two chihuahuas, I like these movies. Obviously. I lived with these aliens before.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Puppet Master III was on USA Up All Night on May 24, 1996.

Directed by David DeCoteau and written by Charles Band, C. Courtney Joyner and David Schmoeller, Puppet Master III is not a sequel but instead a prequel, starring Guy Rolfe as the creator of the many puppets that we’ve come to know, love and maybe be afraid of, the legendary Andre Toulon.

When the story begins, Toulon and his wife, Elsa (Sarah Douglas), are performing puppet shows for children, incorporating anti-Third Reich messaging, such as when Six-Shooter attacks a Führer puppet. A German scientist named Dr. Hess (David Abercrombie) wants to create a formula for living puppets, while Major Kraus (Richard Lynch) wants to arrest him for treason. To prevent this, he takes him and his puppets, Tunneler and Pinhead. He also kills Elsa right after Toulon gives her a puppet with her likeness. That puppet becomes the Leech Woman, and we also get to see another creation named the Jester.

Hess isn’t horrible. He bonds with Toulon, who explains that each puppet was someone he knew and loved. Their strong will to live after death kept them residing within each of their creations. This is also the origin of Blade, who may be the most popular of the puppets.

I hate that the new movies make the puppets become Nazis instead of killing them. Let’s get back to the idea of this movie because it works so much better.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Puppet Master II was on USA Up All Night on May 24, 1996.

Puppet Master 2 begins in 1990 as André Toulon’s grave is being excavated by Pinhead, who opens the coffin and pours a vial onto his creator’s skeleton while Blade, Jester, Tunneler, and Leech Woman watch. Soon, the skeleton raises his arms, and Toulon is back from the dead.

Then, we return to the hotel where Megan from the last movie was killed, and as a result, Alex is suspected of her death and is in an insane asylum. Nothing is mentioned about the reanimated dog.

Soon, the puppets attempt to steal away parapsychologist Carolyn Bramwell, whom Toulon believes is the reincarnation of his deceased wife, Elsa. There’s also a new puppet named Torch along for the ride. This one also explains why the puppets kill — they need brain tissue to stay alive. 

This one ends with Toulon double-crossing the puppets in the hope of bringing his wife back from the dead. Like I said before, no one should screw with the puppets, not even the Puppet Master.

Strangely enough, the only reason why Leech Woman was destroyed in this movie was that studio executives at Paramount hated her. Another bit of trivia — look for Mr. Punch from Dolls on Toulon’s shelf.

Puppet Master II is the only movie that David Allen, who created the puppet special effects for the first film, directed. Check out our review of The Dungeonmaster to learn way more than you may want to know about this talented artist with a dark secret.