Ray Wells (Adam Storke) is ready for his father Desmond (Rance Howard) to die so he can inherit that land where a house once burned own and killed a bunch of partying teens. Ray barely hears his father’s pleas as he cuts off his air and goes to claim his property, only to find a house there and some partying teens, led by Frank (Jake Busey) and Josie (Clare Hoak).

“Greetings, thrill shriek-ers! Care to join me on the scare lift? Good! Your pal the Crypt Keeper’s quite the ex-scream skier. I just love the feeling of going fester and fester. Talk about hack-xhilarating! Which is kind of how the man in tonight’s terror tale feels. He’s just started down a black die-mond run of his own, in a nasty nugget I call: “Surprise Party.””

Ray wastes no time getting in bed with Frank’s girl before killing him and then her when she won’t stop screaming. He never stopped to wonder why his father was so freaked out by this property, but when the dead come back to life, he gets his own reasons to be afraid.

This episode was directed by Elliot Silverstein (who sure, did four episodes of this show, but also directed The Car) and was written by Tom Lyons and Colman deKay.

“Surprise Party” comes from “Surprise Party!” from Vault of Horror #37. It was drawn and written by Johnny Craig. It has a man named Jerry Adams finding a house party in the middle of nowhere, where he romances the hostess, even if the band only plays one song. That’s because in 1884. everyone died at this party and they’ve been waiting for revenge. Jerry happens to be the ancestor of the man who killed them.

Gary (Miguel Ferrer) is a disc jockey who gets sent to graveyard shift for bad ratings by the owner of the station, his sister Rita (Wendie Malick). His show Gary’s Drive-Time Desires also chases away advertisers, so she gives him one last chance. Well, more like she wants to keep him under contract and not going anywhere else. He rebounds when he gets a new partner, Valerie Cordoza (Linda Doucett), and renames his show Grover’s Graveyard. Soon, people are staying up late and Gary is having sex on the air.

“Oh hello, kiddies. You’re just in time for your driving lesson. Today we’ll be learning about scare-allel parking and the right way to look behind when hacking up. But first, I thought we’d go over a few common hand signals. This of course, means you’re turning right. And this means you’re turning left. And this means…Oh. Slow down, it’s time to watch Tales From the Crypt. Tonight’s moving violation concerns a disk jockey who’s so cutting edge, he may lose his chap. I call it “In the Groove.””

This being Tales from the Crypt, we know there’s a twist. When Rita keeps messing with the show, she pushes Gary to want to murder her. But what if his latest partner wasn’t on his side?

Directed by Vincent Spano (who mainly is an actor) and written by Jack Temchin and Colman deKay, this is Ferrer’s third appearance on this series (he’s also in “The Thing from the Grave” and “As Ye Sow“) and has a small part for Slash.

“In the Groove” is based on “In the Groove” from Crime SuspenStories #21, which was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein with art by Johnny Craig. That story is, as nearly always, different. A DJ plans to kill his wife and use his show as his alibi by setting up enough songs that it will appear he is playing records at the time of his wife’s murder. Then, the needle skips and the song keeps repeating, proving that he isn’t there.

Directed by Stephen Hopkins (Predator 2, Judgement Night) and written by magician Teller and Colman deKay, this stars D.B. Sweeney as Clyde, a killer on the run from the police. He evades them and ends up in the home of the elderly Lillian (Rachel Ticotin, Total Recall), who he soon insults after she saves him from a sheriff (R. Lee Ermey).

“Hey, cats. I call this one “Painted into a Coroner Blues.” When I think of you, my heart goes flopsy. As I contemplate your sweet autopsy. Your skin is green and blue, whatever would I do; without my fine cadaver. The love in which I know I’ll fall starts with the unkindest cut of all. Thank you, thank you. They don’t call me the creative writing corpse for nothing. Thank you. My next poem is a little ex-terror-imental number I’ve been working on. I hope you like it. It’s about a real ghoul dude named Clyde, who’s about to try a little die-ku of his own in a vile verse I call: “Staired in Horror.””

Lillian has been cursed to remain in the house forever, old while downstairs, young while upstairs. When a man climbs the stairs, he will immediately age. Only in the middle of the stairs can they be together. The sheriff makes his way into the home, but they trick him as Clyde has aged by coming upstairs. He stays there too long, turning into an elderly old man, but when Lillian tries to save him, she has aged all the way back into being an infant.

This is based on “Staired… in Horror!” from Vault of Horror #23. It was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by Graham Ingels. This story is nothing like this episode, instead being about a lighthouse, a woman who murders husbands and zombies. Good Lord — choke!

Directed by Martin von Haselberg — the husband of Bette Midler — and written by Scott Nimerfro, “The Assassin” has housewife Janet McKay (Shelley Hack) fighting Simone Bardou (Chelsea Field) and her henchmen Todd (Corey Feldman) and William (Jonathan Banks), who are looking for a missing agent named Ronald Wald.

This episode starts with the Crypt Keeper talking to the Grim Reaper, who is William Sadler, just like in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (Sadler is also in Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight). A lot of this dialogue would be recycled in the beginning of Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood with Sadler dressed as a mummy.

Grim Reaper: So, then I was over in India you know, and I whipped up this little monsoon. Man, I must have reaped hundreds that day. Hundreds, just like that.

Crypt Keeper: Really?

Grim Reaper: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Of course, I normally prefer to take souls one at a time, one at a time, but, you know, I had taken some vacation days and it was the end of the month, and so, you know how it goes. Oh! By the way, did I mention that I was in Europe? There was an Elvis sighting there, so I figured I’d check it out. But it was just a fat guy in a sequin suit. I took him anyway.

Crypt Keeper: Oh really? That’s very interesting.

Grim Reaper: Yes, I thought so, too. But enough about me. I want to tell you why I am here.

Crypt Keeper: More champagne?

Grim Reaper: Why, sure. Thanks. Who are you saving the good stuff for? You know, you and I have been friends for a long time, and much as I enjoy these little visits, it seems to me that this tomb is not quite big enough for the both of us.

Crypt Keeper: What’s that supposed to mean?

Grim Reaper: I want to propose a contest between you and me. Winner take all.

Crypt Keeper: And the loser? You’re on pal! 1…2…

Grim Reaper: My rock beats your scissors!

Crypt Keeper: Damn!

Grim Reaper: Give me your hand.

Crypt Keeper: Well, kiddies, looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper is in the fright of his life…death…which is kind of like the woman in tonight’s terror tale. It’s a nasty little chopping spree I call…”The Assassin.” That didn’t hurt one bit.

Grim Reaper: Second round?

Crypt Keeper: Go for it.

The agents plan to kill Janet even if she isn’t connected to spying, but it seems like she’s a bit more dangerous than she seems.

This is based on “The Assassin,” which is in Shock SuspenStories #17. It was written by William Gaines and Al Feldstein and drawn by George Evers. That story isn’t like this at all, but you may have come to expect this from this series.

Felix Johnson and Aaron Scott (Mark Dacascos and Stoney Jackson) are the best martial artists in the world — Dacascos has been in The Crow: Stairway to Heaven TV series, plays the Chairman on Iron Chef America, is a 4th-degree black belt in Wun Hop Kuen Do and in so many action movies, while Jackson is an action movie actor, but was also a dancer in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It,” the lead singer of The Sorels in Streets of Fire and Wacky Dee in CB4 — and are content never proving who is better. Their wives — Andrea and Aubrey (Marjean Holden, Sheeva from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and Debbe Dunning, Heidi the Tool Time girl on Home Improvement series 3-8) — are competitive, and both want their respective men to be the star of a new movie, The Pulverizer. The fighting gets so bad that promoter Wink Barnum (Wayne Newton) signs them up to battle to the death on PPV. But do Felix and Aaron want to die to impress their wives by fighting in a Malaysian death match on a show called Kaos in the Kage?

“Deck the halls with parts of Charlie/Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! Make the yuletide gross and gnarly/Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-ha-ha! Oh, hello, creeps. It’s me, your favorite holiday spirit, doing a little Crypt-mas decorating. Boy, do I love this time of year. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your- Hey, Jack! Get away from me! YOW! I guess he’s off my Christmas chopping list. Which brings to mind tonight’s terror tale. It’s about two martial artists who do some chopping of their own, in a tasteless fright to the finish, I call: “The Pit.””

In the end, everyone gets what they want. The abusive wives get to beat each other into bloody, bruised messes, while the husbands get to turn the movie into a buddy cop adventure film, The Pulverizers. This is one episode where no one dies.

This episode was directed and written by Pittsburgh native John Harrison—read the interview with him here—who was Sir Pelinore in Knightriders, the first Assistant Director for Creepshow and Day of the Dead and the villain of Effects. He also made two ground-breaking Dune mini-series for SyFy.

This episode is based on “The Pit!” from Vault of Horror #40. It was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Bernie Kristein. In that story, the husbands watch cocks and dogs fight, then finally, their wives tear one another apart.

Martin Zeller (Terry O’Quinn), a fire inspector, has received nudes of his daughter, Hiley (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), in the mail. He believes they’ve come from Puck (Esai Morales), the owner of a men’s establishment known as The Naked Experience. Puck tells him that it would be easier if he’d take a bribe. Martin wants to shut him down.

“My fellow Americans, I’m running for office because I think the political process needs a little stiff competition. It needs new bleed-er-ship! It needs someone like me in the Fright House! But, you may ask, aren’t there a few skeletons in your closet? Sure there are. And a vampire or two, and a werewolf. What of it? At least I’m not like the man in tonight’s terror tale. He’s a fire inspector who’s about to learn the difference between rot and wrong. I call it: “The Bribe.””

When he returns home, Martin learns that Hiley has lost her scholarship and rich boyfriend Ron (Ron Carlson) over the photos, so he finally has to accept that bribe so that she can go to college. Upset that he’s lowered himself this far, he pays an arsonist, Bic (Max Grodenchik), to burn down the club.

Life gets better for Hiley as Ron returns to her and Martin gifts her the gold bracelet he gave her mother on their wedding day. That night, Bic turns the club into a firepit, and everyone inside- there was a private party- dies. Puck claims it was an engagement party for Hiley and Ron. Martin blows his brains out, only for us to discover that the following day, Hiley comes back. She’s alive and has eloped with her new husband. It’s not Ron, but Bill (Benicio del Toro), the manager of the strip club who referred to her earlier as “a friend” as well as the photographer of her nudes. She’d sent them to her father and left the party early, leaving behind the bracelet that meant so much to her mother.

Directed by Ramón Menéndez (Stand and Deliver) and written by Scott Nimerfro, this is one of the darkest episodes of this series that I’ve seen. Everyone, other than Martin, has no morals, and even his daughter, who he sells himself out for and who he would do anything to make happy, is only out for herself, marrying the worst person for her and using her body to get what she wants. When Martin takes the step to erase his sins, he believes that he’s caused the death of the one person he sees as innocent — his daughter — but then we learn that she’s anything but. As for Ron, her supposed boyfriend, one is led to believe that he’s died in the fire while Puck makes it out alive if burned beyond recognition.

This is based on “The Bribe” from Shock SuspenStories #17, which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Wally Wood, the best artist in the E.C. Comics stable. Martin’s daughter is a bit more innocent in this story, which doesn’t have the double twist ending.

Directed by Jonas McCord (he directed Paul Hardcastle’s video for “19” and wrote Malice) and written by Shel Willens, “Revenge Is the Nuts” is about a home for the blind. There, owner Arnie Grunwald (Anthony Zerbe) makes life horrible for the patients — Samuel, Armelia and Osgood (Isaac Hayes, Bibi Besch, and Tim Sampson) — but promises to make things better if new patient Sheila (Teri Polo) sleeps with him. By treating them bad, I mean that he has a maze constructed to confuse them and laughs when they slip on marbles, not to mention the enormous dog he threatens them with. He doesn’t even treat his brother, Benny (John Savage), like a human being and may have killed their mother.

“Thanks, pal. For nothing! (to the viewers) I tell you, kiddies. Things are tough all over. What with my hack-spenses going up, and suddenly finding out I owe the Die-RS a fortune, your pal the Crypt Keeper’s had to find himself a second chop. Still, it’s worse for the people in tonight’s terror tale. It concerns a group of inmates at the local home who’ve got a few horrid choices of their own to make. I call it: “Revenge is the Nuts.””

This being a Tales from the Crypt story, he’s about to pay for his sins. And by paying for his sins, he will be blinded and locked into the same maze that he’s put his patients through. This gets in a cute Tales line where Hayes complains he’s been “shafted.”

This episode is based on “Blind Alleys” from Tales from the Crypt #45. As you probably know, this is the same story that’s adapted in the Amicus Tales from the Crypt movie. Also, you know that I prefer that version, right?