So yes, by adding Cannon Video and this late in their life movie, we can say that Tobe Hooper did four movies for Cannon. Written by Rom Globus — I’m unsure if he’s related — and Daniel Matmor, this was produced by the revised Cannon team of Yoram Globus and Christopher Pearce along with Harry Alan Towers and Allan Greenblatt.

Robert Englund was signed early, thinking that this was a movie about Marquis de Sade based on his short stories, but then he’d be playing an evil relative of de Sade named Paul Chevalier. Then the movie moved from a period movie to a modern story. Then the shooting location changed from Egypt to Israel. Then the original director Gerry O’Hara quit.

In an issue of Fangoria, Hooper spoke highly of the movie, saying “Nightmare is not exactly a horror film, even if there are many horror elements in it. It’s more of an erotic thriller, and I’m very happy to be able to do something different.” The title changed along the way as well.

Beth (Chandra West) goes to Israel to meet her father, the archaeologist Dr. Matteson (William Finley, who like Englund was in a much better Hooper movie, Eaten Alive) who is studying Gnostic cult ruins. One night, as Beth wanders the streets, she’s nearly attacked by some men and saved by a woman who has a book from de Sade. Her father is killed as he finally gets into the burial ground and the cult kidnaps her for a sacrifice when she’s not passing out and having dreams about a horse racer making sweet love to her. Then the girl helps her escape the cult and then some monks save the day, then we go back in time to the day de Sade died.

You may read that and say, “That makes no sense.”

You’re right.

Honestly, if Jess Franco made this, I would have loved it. That said, he would have found a way to make it more interesting. This is an absolute mess with wild overacting, non-stop sex dreams that get in the way of the plot and no plot for them to get in the way of.

This was a Global Pictures movie, even if it has the Cannon logo.

You can listen to The Cannon Canon episode that discusses this movie here.

World War III has made the human race sterile. If that’s not bad enough, an AI now rules all of humanity. So when Mary (Nicole Hansen, who was in the Billy Idol videos for “Cradle of Love” and “L.A. Women”) is able to bring a fetus to life, she must take it through the most dangerous city on the planet.

Charleston, South Carolina.

Anyways, she has to get the baby to Europe, where humans still run things, but an android killer (John Saint Ryan) is tracking her, but luckily, she has another mulleted cyborg, Austin (Joe Lara, who was Tarzan on the syndicated Tarzan: The Epic Adventures), protecting her.

Directed by Cannon vet Boaz Davidson and written by Bill Crounse and Brent V. Friedman, this is the kind of movie that puts a baby in the kind of tube that you would use at a drive-thru bank. Yes, I still use the bank instead of the internet. I fear the computers in this movie.

You may notice that after Cannon breaks up, both Menahem and Yoram go to the works of Edgar Allan Poe — this is based on the story “Some Words with A Mummy” — and if you think for a second, it makes sense, as Poe has a great name for horror but is also dead and his stories are in the public domain.

Aziru (the very Egyptian Tony Curtis) made love to Khonshu’s — called Xoth here — concubine Kia and had to pay the price, getting entombed for centuries until a Rupert Murdoch-esque media owner named Lord Moxton (Jack Cohen) loots the temple that Aziru has been buried inside. Lesie Hardy plays Sandra Barnes who, you guessed it, is the reincarnation of Kia and now, Aziru must act as Dr. Mohassid and make his way through modern life to find her.

Also: this movie starts with nearly five minutes of explosition about how the Egyptians invented astrology and I was there for all of that.

This is a movie where Tony Curtis says stuff like “Get out of my tomb!” and decides that if they say it’s based on Poe, no one will realize that it’s the same exact movie as the Universal version of The Mummy, except you know, really boring. Yes, a movie where Tony Curtis is a mummy who must killed the people who robbed hsi tomb and also kill Sandra so that he can pay back his debt to Xoth ends up being slow and that’s ridiculous.

This was the last movie directed by Gerry O’Hara, who guided me into puberty with his Oliver Reed-starring Fanny Hill and Joan Collins movie The Bitch, and it was written by Nelson Gidding, a far step removed from his scripts for The Haunting and The Andromeda Strain.

At one point, Ken Russell was going to direct this and Christopher Lee or Anthony Perkins would star. Producer Harry Alan Towers said it was a mistake to hire Curtis, as he didn’t fit the movie. I know — I just wrote a few hundred words saying exactly that and didn’t put up thousands of dollars to make this movie.

This was not originally intended to be part of the American Ninja franchise — the working title was Little Ninja Man — and Cannon Pictures almost name it American Dragons.

David Bradley plays Joe Kastle instead of the Sean Davidson character from American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt and American Ninja 4: The Annihilation. He takes on Hiro (Lee Reyes, brother of Ernie Jr.), the nephew of the last true ninja Master Tetsu (Pat Morita), as his apprentice. But Hiro just wants to play video games.

Meanwhile, Joe’s love interest Lisa (Anne Dupont) has been kidnapped by Viper (James Lew) and his technicolored band of ninjas. It turns out that Lisa’s father is being forced to make nerve gas for a Latin American dictator by Glock (Clement von Franckenstein). That means that Jack and Hiro must save her, but first, Hiro must endure a 5-minute training montage.

Director Bob Bralver also made Midnight Ride for Cannon. The script was from Greg Latter (Delta Force 3: The Killing Game), George Saunders (Scanner Cop) and John Bryant (Martial Outlaw). This is a boring close to the American Ninja films, but we always have the others to watch whenever we need to.

Albert Magnoli directed Purple Rain, American Anthem and took over for Andrei Konchalovsky — but was not named for his work — on Tango & Cash. It’s the second lead for American Kenpo fighter Jeff Speakman, who was a direct to video regular.

Speakman plays Jeff Barrett, a former cop who once failed to save a hostage from a disturbed criminal and left the force in disgrace. Now, he repairs cars. He ends up in the middle of a gang war between the Latin Lords and Blades, which is really being instigate by a group of criminals who want to take over the gangs’ business. Even worse, the criminals are corrupt cops led by James Franklin (Christopher Neame), so there’s no one for Barrett to trust but himself.

If you’re wondering, “Will our hero get put in the same exact situation that took his life down this dark path?” you have seen enough direct to video ex-cop movies.

This movie was also sold as The Perfect Weapon 2 after the first movie that Speakman played the lead in. It’s been said that this film ruined his career but I didn’t think it was all that bad.

This movie is dedicated to the united kenpo family and for gang truce everywhere.

Colleen (Rebecca Chambers), Bonnie (Lori Jo Hendrix), Audrey (Kena Land) and Michelle (Gilya Stern)were happy just riding their van through Europe scream singing “Oh Susanna” and hanging out in Greece when they decide to go to Turkey and never saw Midnight Express. Before you can say Ilsa, they’ve had cocaine planted on them and end up in prison, which as you can expect is everything a WIP movie entails, like a long shower scene, brutal guards, assault from male and female tormentors, a tough butch woman abusing them all by the name of Hellena (Toni Naples, Deathstalker II) and a warden named Saladeen (Uri Gavriel) who brands women and sells them into slavery.

Do you think Menahem Golan looked at what Cannon was making after he left and hung his head? Do you think he worried that Joel Silberg had gone from making Breakin‘ and Rappin’ to just making a very by the numbers prison movie? Or did he spit on the ground when he thought of Silberg, angry that he had the gall to direct Lambada for Yoram?

Regardless, this movie does have one great line of dialogue. Before Bonnie cuts off the balls of the warden, she says, “Some people like soft tobacco pouches. Me, I just want a coin purse.” Then the girls get back in the van and sing “Oh Susanna” again, but this time, it has a certain sadness to it.

Franco Armando Beretta (Franco Columbu) is a retired Interpol officer who just so happens to train with Arnold Schwarzenegger, just like the real life Franco. The Sardinian Strongman had been in a few movies before — Stay Hungry, Conan the Barbarian, The Terminator, Big Top Pee-Wee — but now he was producing, writing and even directing a series of movies that includes Desperate Crimes, Taken Alive, Doublecross On Costas’s Island and Ancient Warriors.

Franco takes his shirt off every time he gets the chance to and he lives in Sardinia, showing off the beach, the festivals, the folk music and so much more. What more could you ask from a former prizefighter turned Interpol agent and now a winemaker? How about a message movie? Franco starts the movie off with this quote: “Sardinia is my homeland. This beautiful island has always been a refuge for me; untouched by the destructive effects of greed and drugs. Several years ago I was disheartened to find that drugs had infiltrated my precious Island, bringing with them winds of evil that have poisoned even the children of the land. This film is dedicated to the fight against drugs, and to those who have worked to stop the plague of drugs in every country. These are the true heroes of our time and I salute each one of them with gratitude and respect.”

This is also a movie — again — with a three and a half minute long workout scene, as well as having Ken Kercheval, Jo Champa and Elizabeth Kaitan in the cast.

Seriously, this movie seems to be a home movie by Franco mixed in with scenes where he fights drug dealers, several of them needing to duck down when he throws punches because Franco was just 5’5″. That said, he was a ripped 185 pounds who could deadlift 750 pounds and I would never ever consider making fun of him. I’m in love with the films that he made and the career that he left behind.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was first on the site on February 28, 2020.

After Terminator 2: Judgement Day, the monolith known as Arnold Schwarzenegger could do no wrong. But where do you go after you move from Austria to here with no money, take over the world of bodybuilder and then become the biggest movie star in the world?

You make fun of yourself.

That’s where the original script for Last Action Hero — written by Zak Penn and Adam Leff — came in. Penn has since gone on to write PCU, X2, X-Men: Last Stand, The Avengers, Ready: Player One and Elektra while directing his own movie, Atari: Game Over. Leff hasn’t been as lucky, as his only other writing credits are PCU and Bio-Dome. That said, their screenplay was set in the movie world and concerned a hero named Arno Slater who tries to deal with the never-ending world of violence that takes the lives of everyone around him. Pretty much, it’s a meta-aware Shane Black parody.

How weird is it that Black was brought it to do the rewrite, leading to Penn and Leff only getting a story — and not a screenplay — credit?

In Nancy Griffith’s How They Built the Bomb, the reasons for this film’s failure go beyond its biggest issue: was it a comedy or an action movie? Sure, it could be both, but the film seems wildly schizophrenic in what it wants to achieve. What are the rules in Jack Slater’s world? What are the rules in the real — real as in the movie — world? Why can some people keep their powers and Jack can’t? What the hell is going on here?

The issues that Griffith pointed out include Universal moving Jurassic Park to a week before this film would open, negative publicity caused by initial screenings going so poorly, an out-of-control ad campaign that included a NASA rocket that never launched with the movie’s logo and being the first film released in Sony Dynamic Digital Sound, which didn’t even work in the tiny subset of theaters that even had this set up.

A $26 million loss and the first real bomb on Arnold’s record. It stung.

Let me set that up even better: it made $137 million at the box office (over $220 million in today’s money) and still was a loser, thanks to the budget, the overruns and the advertising.

Arnold even placed the blame on a shifting geopolitical theme in the United States, telling Business Insider, “It was one of those things where President Clinton was elected and the press somehow made the whole thing kind of political where they thought, “Okay, the ‘80s action guys are gone here’s a perfect example,” and they wrote this narrative before anyone saw the movie […] The action hero era is over, Bill Clinton is in, the highbrow movies are the “in” thing now, I couldn’t recuperate.”

Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien, Prehysteria!) is a kid living with his widowed mom (Mercedes Ruehl) in the dingiest, most crime-challenged part of New York City. He escapes by watching Jack Slater movies and gets to see the new one when Nick the projectionist (Robery Proskey, Gremlins 2) gives him a ticket that once belonged to Harry Houdini.

This ticket allows Danny to enter the world of Slater, where he meets his talking cat Whiskers (Danny Devito!) and wonders about his friend John Practice (F. Murray Abraham), who Danny instantly doesn’t trust because he was also Salieri, the man who killed Mozart in Amadeus.

Of course, because this is a movie, Slater’s supervisor Dekker (Frank McRae, playing a role named for Fred Dekker and basically playing the exact same part that he did in 48 Hrs.) assigns Danny as the supercop’s new partner and sends them after mobster Tony Vivaldi (Anthony Quinn!?!).

After plenty of 80’s cop hijinks, Charles Dance — as henchman Benedict — gets the golden ticket and leaves for our world, stranding Danny, Slater and his daughter Whitney (Bridgette Wilson). And Benedict hatches a plan — kill Arnold so that no more Slater movies can be made. And that means that Tom Noonan can show up as Slater’s big bad, the Ripper. Man, Tom Noonan can be in every movie ever as far as I’m concerned.

The moviemakers wanted Alan Rickman, who was too expensive, so they got Dance instead, who showed up with a shirt proclaiming “I’m cheaper than Alan Rickman!’

Also: Death from The Seventh Seal shows up and instead of Bengt Ekerot, it’s Ian McKellen. This movie plays fast and loose with cameos, with everyone from Tina Turner (the mayor of Los Angeles), Sharon Stone (playing Catherine Tramell from Basic Instinct), Robert Patrick (as the T-1000), Sylvester Stallone as a Terminator, Maria Shriver, Little Richard, MC Hammer, Leeza Gibbons, James Belushi, Damon Wayans, Chevy Chase, Timothy Dalton, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Wilson Phillips showing up.

What can you say about a movie that was still filming a week before it was due in theaters? This was a film against incredible odds, odds that got even worse when negative press got in the way. Director John McTiernan would tell Movieline, “Initially, it was a wonderful Cinderella story with a nine-year-old boy. We had a pretty good script by Bill Goldman, charming. And this ludicrous hype machine got hold of it, and it got buried under bs. It was so overwhelmed with baggage. And then it was whipped out unedited, practically assembled right out of the camera. It was in the theater five or six weeks after I finished shooting. It was kamikaze, stupid, no good reason for it. And then to open the week after Jurassic Park — God! To get to the depth of bad judgment involved in that you’d need a snorkel.”

McTiernan would follow this up with Die Hard with a Vengeance, so that worked out a bit better for him. Then again, he’d also film the bombs Rollerball and The 13th Warrior.

Sadly, Arnold would later say that this was the beginning of the end of his movie career. But you can’t make a movie this big in nine months. Seriously — it just doesn’t happen.

But hey — you can see both Art Carney and Professor Toru Tanaka in their last roles. And it’s not a completely horrible movie. It just doesn’t know what movie it wants to be. And when that much money is on the line, this is what happens.

Kris Fairchild (Cynthia Rothrock) and Preston Michaels (Richard Norton) are back together. Kris is now a federal agent instead of a teacher and during her very first assignment, she learns that her contact in Jakarta has been killed by Thor (Ron Vreeken). Meanwhile, Preston is tending bar, destroying bad customers and training Tommy Andrews (Patrick Muldoon), a rich kid whose father’s bank is being investigated by Kris. So that means that our leads meet at a party and have to pretend they don’t know each other.

It turns out that Tommy’s dad is laundering money for a boss named Buntao (Frans Tumbuan) and that’s why he’s constantly in danger. There’s also a new boss named Dazzo to deal with.

This was directed by Guy Norris, who did stunts for Road Warrior, Dead End Drive-In, The Blood of Heroes and so many other movies. He’s still doing stunt work on movies like Three Thousand Years of Longing and Mad Max: Fury Road.

This movie has a twist on the level of the first movie’s revelation that final boss Conrad Drago was Kris’ brother. I didn’t spoil that when I wrote about that film and I refuse to spoil what happens here.

You can watch this on Tubi.