“Sometimes, life can be such a grind. Know what I mean? That’s why I like to get out every now and then and swing a little. So much for his family tree! Tonight’s tale concerns a young woman who’s about to do a little swinging of her own. She wants to prove that a good man is hard to find, but easy to get rid of. I think you’ll like this little chopping spree I call: “Split Second.””

Liz Kelly (Michelle Wilson) is stranded in a logging town, working in a bar to earn enough money to get a bus ticket. The camp manager Steve Dixon (Brion James) saves her from Banjo (Tony Pierce), a loud and rude drunk, and she ends up married the much older man that very night. They seem to have a good marriage until his men see her all dressed up and he reveals just how jealous he is. That only increases when a new lumberjack named Ted Morgan (Billy Wirth) appears and takes over his wife’s imagination.

Liz is a horrible person, to be honest, and she just doesn’t want to be bored. That ends up costing her life, her husband’s and Ted’s vision. Steve was such a nice guy before all this or so his men say. But now they’re killing him, so there’s that. You have to love an episode that doesn’t just have a blind man saw two people to death but has the Crypt Keeper chainsaw Joel Silver.

Directed by Russell Mulcahy (Highlander, The Shadow), written by Richard Christian Matheson and filmed on the sets of Twin Peaks by cinematographer Rick Bota (who would go on to direct Hellraiser: Hellseeker, Hellraiser: Deader and Hellraiser: Hellworld), this is a pretty good episode.

It’s based on “Split Second!” from Shock SuspenStories #4, which was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Kamen.

Directed and written by Manny Coto, who still writes for American Horror Stories and directed Star Kid, Dr. Giggles and Zenon: The Zequel, “Mournin’ Mess” is about Dale Sweeney (Steven Weber), one of those drunken and scummy reporters that movies always have. He works for The Evening Globe who has assigned him to cover the Grateful Homeless, Outcasts, and Unwanteds Layaway Society and the new cemetery they are opening. He has the hots for their spokeswoman Jess Gilchrist (Rita Wilson) and buys int their goal of giving dead people a proper burial.

“Ah, there you are! You’re just in time! I’m trying out a few recipes from my new Betty Croaker cookbook. I hope you like shish-ka-bob. Damn! It isn’t ready yet! Bob’s still moving! Tonight’s foul feast will begin with mashed potatoes, then move onto some shrieking duck, and finish with a nice kill-basa. I call this tasty tidbit: “Mournin’ Mess.””

The issue is that Dale is a mess. He loses his job and soon meets an unhoused man named Roebuck (Vincent Schiavelli) who tells him that all of the city’s poor are being targeted by a serial killer. As it is, Roebuck is the prime suspect, but he claims that if Dale goes to the new cemetery at night, he will discover the truth, which will allow him to get his job back. Dale of course screws all this up and gets Roebuck killed and buried in that same cemetery, as he was too busy sleeping with Jess to meet him. He also loses his house and has to beg his old boss Elaine Tillman (Ally Walker) for his job.

That’s when he realizes that the Grateful Homeless, Outcasts, and Unwanteds Layaway Society spells ghouls and they eat his ear as he escapes. He finds Jess and tries to save her, only for her to eat his face.

Oh Dale. If you just stayed in the cemetery and met him Roebuck, you could have had the story that let you expose everything and be a success all over again, Roebuck would clear his name and you’d both be alive. Hope that sex was worth it.

The original story was in Tales from the Crypt #38 and was also called “Mournin’ Mess.” Written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Graham Ingels.

Directed by Michael Thou (who edited the Donner cut of Superman II, another EC adaption Two-Fisted Tales and Small Soldiers) and written by Ron Finley, this episode finds four boys — Aaron (Aron Eisenberg), Norm (Scott Fults), Jess (Jason Marsden) and Josh (Ke Huy Quan) — discover that the town’s pharmacist Nate Grundy (Graham Jarvis) and undertaker Sebastian Esbrook (John Glover) are murdering people and making money off their funerals.

“Quiet on the set! Deathly quiet. Fond felicitations, fiends and welcome to the Crypt. Tonight’s sordid saga is about a couple of kids with time to kill. See, they’re just dying to get into the horror movie business. And if they’re lucky, that’s exactly what’ll happen to ’em. Lights! Camera! Action!”

This episode is filled with Richard Donner moments, like the boys leaving a theater showing Radio Flyer and a poster for Lethal Weapon being up. It’s also quite like another of his films, The Goonies. There’s also an element of found footage in this as the kids try to capture the crimes on a video camera after Josh’s father is one of the victims of the scheme.

It’s based on the story “Undertaking Palor” from Tales From the Crypt #39. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

You can also watch this narrated version of the original comic book.

This episode is directed by John Harrison, who directed eight episodes of Tales from the Dark Side, the movie of that film, the Dune miniseries on SyFy and oh yeah, wrote the theme for Creepshow. You can learn more about him in this interview we did last year. It was written by Larry Wilson, who wrote five episodes of this show as well as Beetlejuice and The Little Vampire.

“Greetings, art lovers. Vincent van Ghoul here with another morbid masterpiece sure to paint you into a coroner. (cackles) Hmmmmm. Something’s not quite right. Ah, yes. (stabs the beating heart next to his fruit bowl) Now that’s a still life. (cackles) Tonight’s tale concerns a painter who’s tired of people giving his work the brush. I call this pestilent portrait of the artist as a young mangler: “Easel Kill Ya.””

Jack Craig (Tim Roth), whose name is a combination of EC Comics artists Jack Davis and Johnny Craig, is a starving artist who drinks and has rage issues that he hopes to solve with a support group, Obsessives Anonymous. That’s where he meets Sharon (Roya Megnot) and hopes that she too can save him. Of course, he still gets angry all the time and ends up killing a neighbor, but uses the photo of the crime scene to finally sell his artwork. Malcolm Mayflower (William Atherton) loves gore and he wants more of Craig’s art.

Sharon needs an operation, so he keeps killing and selling art. Sadly, the first person he kills is the man who was rushing through a parking lot to get to the hospital to operate on her. Oh EC, your endings.

This story is based on “Easel Kill Ya” from Vault of Horror #31.It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Johnny Craig. In the original story, an artist makes money from painting violence but when he’s married, he starts to paint beautiful things. When she becomes sick, he brings a painting to his patron and he won’t buy it. He kills the man, who ends up being the doctor who could save his wife.

“I want to suck… Oh, hello kiddies. You caught me in the middle of my homework. Your old pal the Crypt Keeper’s a real believer in continuing dead-ucation. Which brings us to tonight’s murderous morsel. It’s a juicy little tale about a real blood sucker who never learned to go for the jugular. I call this plasma play “The Reluctant Vampire.””

Directed by Elliot Silverstein (The Car, A Man Called Horse) and written by Terry Black (Dead Heat), this stars Malcolm McDowell as Daniel Longtooth, a vampire who choose to get his fix from the blood bank he works at. It’s run by Mr. Crosswhite (George Wendt) and he takes every chance to be rude and mean to his workforce, saving his sexual harassment for Sally (Sandra Dickinson).

It turns out that Daniel is drinking so much that the blood bank is in danger of going out of business. He decides that he must use his vampire abilities to get victims and refill the plasma to save the job of Sally, who he is in love with.

Meanwhile, the police — led by Detective Robinson (Paul Gleason, forever a jerk in every movie) — have brought in Rupert Van Helsing (Michael Berryman, looking like Judge Doom) to hunt down the vampire who they believe is haunting the streets, draining muggers and low level criminals of their blood. What complicates matters is that Mr. Crosswhite knows that Daniel is a vampire and is using him to fix his business.

Maybe Sally knows too, as we find out in this episode’s happy ending.

Terry Black wrote five episodes of this show, including three using the name Donald Longtooth. Yes, the same last name as the character in this episode.

I’m not a fan of the total comedy episodes of this show, but what can you do?

This episode is based on “The Reluctant Vampire!” from Vault of Horror #20. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

“Welcome aboard, fright-seers! Looking for a little hell-iday fun? You’ve come to the right place! We specialize in all sorts of hackage tours! (cackles) So what will it be? A few days in a scream park? Or would you like me to book you into a nice, quiet dead and breakfast? Or perhaps you’d like to go treasure haunting like my friend, Red. He wants to steal a priceless black pearl in a tasteless tidbit I call: “Dead Wait.””

Red Buckley (James Remar) and his partner Charlie (Paul Anthony Weber) have been planning to steal a black pearl from plantation owner Emilie Duvall (John Rhys-Davies). There’s not much time, because the island where Duvall lives is about to be taken over by a revolution. So Red kills Charlies as they argue and decides to get the pearl for himself. He then meets Emilie at a bar — he’s pretty sickly, as he’s filled with water worms that have carved tunnels through his skin — along with the man’s much younger wife Kathrine (Vanity), who seduces the crook and they decide to kill her husband and split the pearl. The problem? Emilie has a worker named Peligre (Whoopi Goldberg) who does voodoo and plans on taking care of Red.

If you’re wondering how gross this one is going to get, well, Emilie has swallowed the pearl and Red has to dig through his worm-filled corpse to find it. That’s what you get when Tobe Hooper directs! But seriously, this is an intriguing episode.

It was written by Gilbert Adler, who also wrote Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice and directed and wrote Bordello of Blood.

There’s also a scene afterward where the Crypt Keeper has a talk show and interviews Whoopi.

Crypt Keeper: Oooh. Talk about being headed off at the pass. We’ve got a guest, kiddies. Whoopi! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I want you to know that I loved your movie The Killer Purple.

Whoopi: That’s Color Purple, Crypt Keeper.

Crypt Keeper: Oh! Right. Well, um, congratulations on winning that Academy A-weird.

Whoopi: Well thanks, but it’s actually called an Academy Award.

Crypt Keeper: Whatever. Look, it’s a pleasure to meet a big star like you.

Whoopi: Now, you’re a pretty big star. I mean, I’d love it if you would be in my next film.

Crypt Keeper: Really?

Whoopi: (pulls out a machete) Yeah, it’s just a bit part.

Crypt Keeper: I’m flattered!

Whoopi: But you don’t know what bit I want.

Crypt Keeper: Well, as long as I don’t wind up on the cutting room floor!

Whoopi: (Points the machete at him) Okay!

Crypt Keeper: (Gasps)

Whoopi: (Smiles at the camera)

This episode is based on “Dead Wait!” from Vault of Horror #23. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.

“Good evening, culture vultures and welcome to another installment of Mash-to-Pieces Theater. Tonight we ask the question – ‘To be or not to be?’ Or in this case, an actor stuck with an average face who’s so sick and tired of auditioning he’s willing to do almost anything! Did I say almost? I call this sickening saga “Top Billing.”

Barry Blye (Jon Lovitz) is a struggling actor — “Acting!” as he would bellow as The Master Thespian — who is angry that an old classmate by the name of Winton Robbins (Bruce Boxleitner) is wasting his skills by doing commercials. Barry has the dream of being in Hamlet, yet he is destroyed when his agent (Louise Fletcher) leaves him, his girlfriend Lisa (Kimmy Robertson) breaks up with him and director Nelson Halliwell (John Astin) picks Winston over him.

Of course, Barry kills Winton, only to learn that he was playing Yorick and not Hamlet. As for the director and other actors, they are all escaped mental patients (including Sandra Bernhard) and they needed a skull for the show. Barry’s skull is perfect for the part, even if Nelson once doubted his look.

Directed by Todd Holland, who is from Kitanning, PA and helped create The Larry Sanders Show, Malcolm In The Middle and Wonderfalls, and written by Myles Berkowitz (who directed, wrote and appeared as himself in the documentary 20 Dates), this is a pretty fun episode.

This episode is based on “Top Billing,” which was in Vault of Horror #39. It was written by Carl Wessler and drawn by Reed Crandall. The comic story has the actors being in the early 1800s and Blye killing Winton and Nash, his fellow actors, before learning that he was not in a theater. He was at the Woltham Insane Asylum for Actors and they needed his skull.

Stephen Hopkins never gets discussed all that much but he directed Dangerous Game, Judgement Night, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Lost in Space, The Ghost and the Darkness and Predator 2. Those are some pretty big efforts and he directs TV today but you’d think people would talk more about his films. He worked with writer Jim Birge, who he helped found student comedy clubs at UCLA and University of California at Irvine (UCI) that had Shane Black, Fred Dekker, Ed Solomon and Tom Martin as members. This is the only thing he ever wrote.

“Ah! A corpse by any other name would smell as sweet. Unless of course, it isn’t dead yet! (cackles) Tonight’s tawdry tale is about a man who’s gravely concerned about matters of life and death. Why he’d care about that remains to be seen. (cackles lightly) I call this putrid piece: “Abra Cadaver.””

Carl Fairbanks (Tony Goldwyn) once played a park on his brother Martin (Beau Bridges) that left him permanently weak on one side of his body and paralyzed his hand. Martin is now just a medical researcher while his brother has become a rich surgeon. That’s why Martin heads to Haiti and learns about an experimental drug called Suspensor that gives Carl the feeling of being dead while still being alive. Well, as you can imagine, things don’t work all that well for anyone.

There is a “Danger Will Robinson!” reference to Lost In Space — Hopkins would go on to make the 1998 movie — and Night of the Living Dead, as it opens with Carl and Martin as kids being surrounded by corpses that come back to life in black and white.

Based on the story “Dead Right” from Tales from the Crypt #37, this story was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.