Three Fugitives (1989)

Eight of Francis Veber’s movies have been remade as American films. Le Grand Blond Avec une Chaussure Noire was The Man with One Red ShoeL’emmerdeur was Buddy Buddy. La Cage aux Folles was, of course, The Birdcage. Le Jouet was The Toy. Les Comperes was Fathers’ Day. La Chevre was remade as Pure LuckLe Diner de Cons was Dinner for Schmucks. And finally, this film is a remake of his own Les Fugitifs.

On the day Daniel James Lucas (Nick Nolte) is released from prison, he’s taken hostage by Ned Perry (Martin Short), who has no idea how to be a criminal but must raise money to save the life of Meg, his daughter.

Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and James Earl Jones play the cops who are on their trail. While they’re chasing down Lucas, Ned and Meg, its ironic that Jones was mute unto he made it to high school.

Short was in two movies based on Veber’s films, as he’s also in Pure Luck. Both times, he took over parts originally played by Pierre Richard.

 

Dream A Little Dream (1989)

Marc Rocco was the adopted son of Alex Rocco, who we all remember as Moe Greene from The Godfather. He directed this film, as well as Where the Day Takes You. This Wilmington, North Carolina shot movie seems like the favorite of every woman I’ve ever dated and now, as we sit in quarantine, I must again watch it for my wife.

Oh man, this movie. Bobby Keller (Corey Feldman) runs right into Lainie Diamond (Meredith Salenger) at the same time that Coleman Ettinger (Jason Robards) and his wife Gena (Piper Laurie ) are trying to meditate into being soulmates forever and ever. This leads to that most dependable of all teenage tropes, the body switch film.

As Coleman lives Bobby’s life, he is haunted by him in his dreams and must deal with his best friend Dinger (Corey Haim) the rest of his waking hours, as well as Lainie’s boyfriend (William McNamara, Opera) and her mother (Susan Blakely, Over the Top).

So many favorites of mine are in this to try and make me feel better about watching it, like Harry Dean Stanton, Victoria Jackson and, yes, Alex Rocco. Lala Zappa is here as well, as she had agreed to be in the movie only if her boyfriend Haim was in the film too.

Michael Damian’s cover of “Rock On” was a big deal from this movie, with the Coreys and Salinger all appearing in the video.

If you ever wanted to have the lead singer of Starship, Mickey Thomas, sing a song with Mel Torme, this movie is the answer you’ve been looking for.

When this movie was made, both Coreys were getting into drugs and Feldman was all into the world of Michael Jackson, which is why there’s an extender dance sequence. That said — this is pretty much Corey Haim’s last big movie.

The dialogue in this movie upsets me to no end, much less the antics of both Coreys. But there are times when you must love your wife — especially when you are quarantined at home — and you give in and watch a movie with her.

You can watch this on Tubi.

No Holds Barred (1989)

I’ve never understood No Holds Barred. It had the entire WWE machine behind it —  watching an hour of their program in 1989 was akin to watching an hour commercial for this movie — and this was the movie they put so much effort behind? A movie that makes wrestling and its top star both look like morons? I get that the rest of the world sees pro wrestling like this, but when I realized that this was how the company itself saw it, it was pretty sad.

But yeah, I still went to the drive-in and watched it. They sold me.

Imagine if Vince McMahon decided to make an entire movie about Ted Turner.

Well, stop dreaming and start watching, because Brell (Kurt Fuller) is Ted, owning an entire network that is being toppled by pro wrestler Rip Thomas (who is Hulk Hogan other than the fact that he wears blue instead of the yellow and red, brother). That’s right — all his network needs to start failing is to go up against Rip, until they start making their own wrestling program called Nitro…I mean Battle of the Tough Guys. 

On this show, Zeus (Tiny Lister, Friday), an ex-con and former student of the same man who taught Rip takes over the world of wrestling from the No Count Bar. Brell is the kind of guy who replies to people making fun of his penis size by sending killers after Rip and rapists after Rip’s PR person Sam (Joan Severance).

There’s also a scene beats up a henchman so badly that the guy craps his pants. I mean, wouldn’t you after a gigantic human being basically flies out of a limo?

Beyond getting to see Gene Okerlund, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Howard Finkel and Joey Marella on the big screen, this movie also features Jeep Swensen (he’d go on to play Bane in Batman and Robin), Bill Eadie (Axe from Demolition and the Mask Superstar) and one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, Stan “The Lariat” Hansen. In fact, when the movie came out, there was a big rumor that Hansen — who achieved most of his fame in Japan — was about to leave Giant Baba’s All Japan Pro Wrestling to come to challenge Hogan. It never happened. They did fight a year later in a match between AJPW and WWE in Japan just days after Hogan lost the belt to the Ultimate Warrior.

There’s another Japanese influence to the movie, as Hogan doesn’t use his American legdrop finisher here as Rip, but instead the clothesline-like Axe Bomber that he used to win so many matches in New Japan Pro Wrestling.

Zeus, however, did come to WWE and claimed that he deserved to be the star of the film. After a Summerslam 1989 match between Hogan and Brutus Beefcake against Zeus and Randy Savage, the feud culminated in a PPV called No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie, an event that played the movie and then a blowoff tag team match.

No Holds Barred was produced by star Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon, only to be distributed by New Line Cinema after completion. When the first draft of the script was turned in, Hogan and McMahon disliked it so much, they checked into a Florida hotel and stayed up for 72 hours straight — cocaine — rewriting the script together.

Thomas J. Wright, who directed this, was also the artist who painted the artwork featured on Night Gallery. He was also the second unit director for Howard the Duck and Staying Alive.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

Fireballs (1989)

Canada made the move in the late 1980’s from slashers to sex comedies, so it seemed. This next Police Academy ripoff concerns firefighters and was filmed days after a very similar 80’s sex on the job comedy, Recruits.

Writer, producer and star Mike Strapko — along with his brother and an actor named Goran Kalezic — were production assistants on that Wassanga Beach shot, Charlie Wiener-directed film.

Wiener made a TV movie called Blue Murder and Dragon Hunt in addition to this movie (he also wrote Screwball Hotel), so let me assure you — his scumbag skills are in full effect here.

We meet our heroes — such as they are — Sam (Kalezic), Keith (Eric Crabb) and Baduski (Strapko) as they leave the beach to fight a fire, which really ends up being a surprise party for the firefighting parrot Fireballs, who loves beer and breasts.

I really think I might never have to write again after that sentence.

The movie then becomes Gung Ho, as Japanese business owner Mr. Matsuro wants to bring his company to town, but thinks that the fire department can’t handle things. He wants to bring in his own team of Japanese fire fighting experts.

Can you believe I just wrote that?

Strapko was supposedly an actual firefighter, so one would assume he’d want to make the profession look more heroic than this. Actually, scratch that. He just wanted to see as many breasts as possible, much like the character he’s playing, which is really more John Belushi cosplay than anything.

This movie is my kind of film. It’s neither sexy nor funny, so the more that it attempts either, it actually becomes more of the latter. For example, the idea of a bird that is dubbed to sound like it’s swearing is mildly fine the first time, becomes grating and then annoying before becoming incoherently amazing. This is the kind of movie that demands to be watched with an entire table full of mind-altering substances and a group of people who refuse to judge it and instead demand that it get worse so that it gets better.

The movie comes and goes from You Tube — as either a non-sign or age-restricted sign-in — and the lastest upload can be enjoyed HERE. In lieu of a trailer, you can watch We Bare All’s review-homage to USA’s “Up All Night” airing of Fireballs, which features plenty of clips from the film.

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

If you laughed at the fact that Pete Bonerz directed this movie, then this is the movie for you.

This time, Harris and Proctor must work with the good guys to apprehend the Mastermind, whose gang is running wild all over town. Bonus points to him for getting Gerrit Graham (TerrorvisionPhantom of the Paradise) to join up!

Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes) assembles his finest men and women for the case, including Hightower (Bubba Smith), Tackleberry (David Graf), Jones (Michael Winslow), Hooks (Marion Ramsey), Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), Fackler (Bruce Mahler), and Mahoney replacement and his nephew, Nick (Matt McCoy).

Billie Byrd is in this, but she’s playing a totally different role and not Mrs. Feldman, so if you demand continuity in your 80’s comedies, you’re out of luck.

That is, however, Grandmaster Melle Mel in this. And Allison Mack, the one-time Smallville actress who charged with sex trafficking, sex trafficking conspiracy and forced labor conspiracy as part of her role in the NXIVM sex cult. Who would have guessed?

The following year Paul Maslansky would produce Ski Patrol, which he had hoped would replace Police Academy and have several sequels. It failed, as did this movie. There wouldn’t be another Police Academy film for five more years.

REPOST: Fast Food (1989)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This movie, originally reviewed on April 11, 2019, is one of my favorite dumb films ever. I mean, Jim Varney and Traci Lords in one movie? 

Auggie Hamilton is all about making that fast buck. He’s just been kicked out of college for a gambling and drinking party after being there for way longer than four years, as well as trying to sleep with the dean’s daughter. What’s he going to do now?

So when he learns that his friend Samantha (Tracy Griffith, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland) is about to sell her father’s garage to make way for Wrangler Bob Bundy (Jim Varney, yes, the Ernest P. Worrell playing, Slinky Dog voicing Jim Varney. Trivia note: Blake Clark, who is also in this movie, was friends with Varney and took over the voice of Slinky after Varney’s death) and his constantly growing burger empire.

How do you defeat a megacorporation? Well, you go get some drugs that make people horny and put them in your burgers, that’s how. And if you’re wondering how they get that drug, one of the way they get women in bed is to sneak them into a lab where men suffer from non-stop erections. The girls see all these bald-headed yogurt slingers and the next thing you know, they’re in bed with the guys. Because you know — that’s totally how romance works. Movies like this are why I didn’t get laid until I was 24.

How does the new fast food place get successful? Well, beyond the date rape drugs in the special sauce, they also cater a fancy preppie sorority bash been thrown by Mary Beth Bensen, who is played by the same person who played the grown-up Angela in Sleepaway Camp II and Sleepaway Camp III. That’s Pamela Springsteen and yes, she’s the Boss’s sister.

Stick around — Traci Lords also shows up as an industrial spy, sent by Wrangler Bob to ruin our heroes. And oh yeah — the judge of their big case is played Kevin McCarthy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Michael J. Pollard shows up, too.

This isn’t a movie you’d be proud to talk about with anyone, but who cares? Varney is great, Traci Lords is Traci Lords and burgers cause people to get laid. You could do much worse.

Vice Academy (1989)

Are you ready for the movie that won USA Networks’ B-Movie Awards for Best Picture and has the honor of being their highest-rated late-night film when it first aired on cable television?

How about a Police Academy ripoff with Ginger Lynn and Linnea Quigley? Are you prepared for that?

What if I told you that RIck Sloane, the maker of Hobgoblins, was the creator?

Yeah, you’d watch that.

Holly Wells (Ginger Lynn, the one-time queen of VHS adult films) goes legit, teaming with scream queen Linnea Quigley, who plays Didi, to enter a vice school where cops learn how to bust adult movies and prostitution.

Tamara Clatterbuck, who is also in Hobgoblins and was a dominatrix in UHF, is Tinsel while Jean Carol is the evil Queen Bee. Karen Russell also shows up and you remember her from films like HellbentPhoenix the WarriorDr. Alien and Shock ‘Em Dead.

Jayne Hamil also makes the first of her five appearances as vice academy teacher Miss Thelma Louise Devonshire. And hey! The actress using the name Christian Barr who plays Cherry Pop is actually Allison Barron, who we all know as Helen from Night of the Demons.

Ginger Lynn isn’t the only adult star in this. The late Viper, a former ballet dancer who eventually left the adult industry and became a phlebotomy technician is here too.

This is a movie so cheap that the girls all wore their own outfits and Ginger drives her own car in the opening. Are clothes and cars why you’re watching this? I dare say no.

You can watch this on Tubi or grab the blu ray set of the first three films from Vinegar Syndrome. It features interviews with Lynn and Quigley, as well as commentary Rick Sloane.

Licence to Kill (1989)

Licence to Kill is a film of firsts and lasts. It was the first film in the Bond series to not use the title of an Ian Fleming story. And the first time that a Bond girl — Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell) — would ever drink one of 007’s signature vodka-martini cocktails.

It’s the final Bond film to be directed by John Glen, the last to feature actors Robert Brown as M and Caroline Bliss as Miss Moneypenny, and the final Bond film for screenwriter Richard Maibaum, composer John Barry, title designer Maurice Binder, producer Albert R. Broccoli and lead actor Timothy Dalton.

As Felix Leiter has his leg torn apart by a shark and his young wife is killed on the day of their marriage, Bond has a flashback to the events of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Now, he will have his revenge — which echoes both Yojimbo and the spaghetti remake of that film, A Fistful of Dollars — in the most violent and brutal Bond film until Daniel Craig took the role.

Robert Davi is great as this film’s heavy, Franz Sanchez, Latin America’s most powerful drug lord who has been wanted by the DEA for years. After Bond and Leiter bust him, he pays his way out — Everett McGill (Reverend Lowe from Silver Bullet and Daddy from The People Under the Stairs) is the corrupt DEA man — and attacks the CIA agent and kills his wife (Priscilla Barnes).

Making this film even better is the fact that Sanchez’s henchmen — and women — are all played by great talents. Anthony Zerbe (The Omega Man and, yes KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park), Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat) and an amazingly young Benicio del Toro excel in this film. Even Wayne Newton shows up in this!

Now, it was time for the Bond franchise to reinvent itself all over again. Luckily, there was someone waiting in the wings who was ready to be 007 for literally decades.

Mind Games (1989)

Bob Yari has produced plenty of films, but only directed two — this one and  Papa: Hemingway in Cuba. I’ll have to add this movie to two of my potential Letterboxd lists: the films of Maxwell Caulfield and movies where psychopaths engage with RVs. So, basically, the first list has this, Empire Records and Prey of the Jaguar; the second has Race with the DevilThe Hills Have Eyes films, Hitcher in the Dark and The Toybox.

Yeah, I have some time on my hands.

Rita (Shawn Weatherly, Police Academy 3: Back in TrainingBaywatch) and Dana Lund’s (Edward Albert, Galaxy of Terror) marriage is in shambles, so to try and save things, they decide to go on an RV excursion to California with their son. Along the way, they pick up the flute playing, husband cucking Eric (Caulfield), a maniac who brings their son along as he vandalizes houses and threatens people’s lives.

I kind of love any movie that mixes happy-go-lucky music video sequences with moments of sheer terror, plus has some moments where the characters are some of the most moronic people you’ve ever met ever. Also, any film that has Maxwell Caulfield dragging a small boy along to bang on doors and do a bad Nazi impression while he screams, “It’s the Gestapo!” is a movie that I’m genuinely proud to have in my collection.

If that’s not good enough for you, this movie completely rips off Bruce Hornsby and the Range’s “The Way It Is” for its main theme. Also, whiskey is suggested as medicine for depression, which is pretty much right on brand for me.

You can buy the blu ray of this directly from MVD. It’s also available on DVD, if you don’t want all the bells and whistles.

DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us for review by MVD.

Box Office Failures Week: The Punisher (1989)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Rob Brown is probably the only person to write for our site that has an IMDB page. That alone gives him the credit to tell us all about one of the first Marvel movies to hit the screen.

Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett, Jr.) is a big city police detective trying to take down the mob while also trying to stop the Punisher, a mysterious vigilante with a body count in the triple digits, who he believes to be Frank Castle (Dolph Lundgren), his former partner that had seemingly died in a car bombing that took the lives of Castle’s entire family.

In an effort to eliminate the Punisher once and for all, Gianni Franco (Jeroen Krabbe), the most powerful organized crime boss in the city, attempts to unite all of the crime families, which draws the attention of not only the Punisher, but the Japanese Yakuza, led by the treacherous Lady Tanaka (Kim Miyori). She offers Franco a deal, which would essentially make HER the top crime boss in the city, which he rejects, leading to the kidnapping of all of the children of Franco and his men.

The Punisher’s mostly successful rescue attempt of the innocent children from the clutches of the Yakuza leads to his capture by the police, which brings him face to face with Berkowitz, confirming the detective’s worst fears, that this scourge of the underworld is a very changed Frank Castle. As he’s being taken to another facility, the police transport is ambushed by Franco’s men, who take Castle and force him into an uneasy partnership with the man responsible for the death of his family to bring back the mobster’s son, Tommy, who had been left behind on the previous raid.

Together, Castle and Franco storm the Yakuza headquarters and defeat Tanaka, saving Tommy in the process. Once again at the top of the criminal food chain, Franco attempts to kill his reluctant partner, the only remaining obstacle in his path, but the critically injured vigilante still manages to get the best of him after a brief struggle, finally avenging the death of his family. The Punisher tells a grieving Tommy to not grow up to be like his father, because he’ll be watching and waiting. With that warning, he disappears just as Berkowitz and his men arrive on the scene.

I loved this movie as a teenager, as it was very similar to many of the shoot-em-ups of the eighties and nineties that I grew up on. It was fun, fast-paced, action-packed, and starred the guy who played Rocky Balboa’s greatest nemesis just a few years earlier, and I feel like it’s actually improved as I’ve gotten older.

In the nearly three decades or so since I first watched this movie, I’ve definitely become more of a fan of the Punisher, having seen him pass through the hands of many creators and become more of a fleshed-out character with some pretty bizarre detours along the way, including becoming a mob hitman himself and a LITERAL angel of death at his lowest point. That’s not to say that he wasn’t a strong character before, but at the time of the movie, he had only just graduated to his own solo book (he’d soon have three) after popping up as a villain of the week or guest star for over a decade in the pages of Spider-Man, Captain America, and Daredevil. There wasn’t too much to go on as far as backstory that didn’t involve other Marvel characters, so they kept it pretty simple in the film with him being a one-man army against organized crime. In fact, he’s almost a side character in his own movie, which actually plays to the strength of the film’s cast.

Academy Award winner Louis Gossett, Jr. (Iron Eagle, HBO’s Watchmen), does much of the dramatic heavy lifting in this film, portraying the grizzled older cop that wants to solve the mystery behind the apparent death of his partner once and for all while also suspecting the worst, that his former friend is just as much of a criminal as the men they once tried to bring to justice. Through him, we also learn much of Castle’s backstory. In an early cut of the film, there was an entire first act that showed the two in better days, but here, we only see a Frank Castle that’s too far gone.

In the title role, Dolph Lundgren is completely believable as a killing machine, which is helped by his real-life background as a champion martial artist (and also his previous roles playing killing machines). He had also earned a Master’s Degree in Chemical Engineering before deciding to pursue modeling and acting as a career. In this film, he mostly only speaks when he has to, when he’s spoken to, or when he’s trying to get information, and even then, it’s mostly to intimidate his prey or to tell his captors to fuck off. He’s a bit wooden, but the character as we see him is meant to be pretty one-note, which breaks a little when we see him reflect on his past life or when he makes the decision to rescue the children of the criminals he’s sworn to kill. At times, we hear his inner monologue, where his craziness and dedication to his mission really comes through. Coincidentally, his illustrated counterpart would soon go on to communicate with readers in a similar way, through the pages of his “war journal”.

The main villain in the story, who soon becomes the lesser of two evils, is Gianni Franco, who is portrayed by Dutch actor Jeroen Krabbe (The Living Daylights, The Fugitive). Like Berkowitz, he also wants to bring an end to the Punisher’s reign of terror, but for completely different reasons. In the comic, Wilson Fisk (aka The Kingpin) had been the chief organized crime figure in the Marvel universe, but Krabbe’s Franco is a fine enough stand-in, even if his accent slips from time to time and he isn’t the least bit believable at being Italian, which is further exacerbated by the over-the-top cartoonish “It’s a-me! Mar-io!” performances of many of his short-lived henchman. He’s a great actor, though, which is one of the ways in which this movie overachieves.

The cast is rounded out by Kim Miyori (The Grudge 2, TV’s St. Elsewhere) as the ruthless Yakuza boss, Lady Tanaka, who always seems to be multiple steps ahead of the competition, Nancy Everhard (Deepstar Six) as Berkowitz’s new partner that also believes his Castle theory, and Barry Otto (Strictly Ballroom, The Howling III) as the perpetually drunk, rhyme-spewing stage actor/informant that gets Punisher his intel.

The movie, originally slated to film in the US, was filmed in Australia for monetary reasons, but still carried a decent enough budget of about nine million dollars. Director Mark Goldblatt had only helmed one film previously, the horror action comedy Dead Heat, and would never direct another feature film. However, he was already well-established behind the scenes as an editor, where he had a hand in putting together some of the most iconic action films of all time, which already included The Terminator, Rambo: First Blood Part II and Commando, and would go on to include Terminator 2: Judgment Day, True Lies, Starship Troopers and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The film was written by Boaz Yakin, who was just starting out, but would go on to write Prince of Persia and Now You See Me, while also directing such films as Fresh (which he also wrote), Jason Statham’s Safe, and one of Denzel Washington’s biggest hits, Remember the Titans”  Robert Mark Kamen, the film’s producer, helped punch up the script and had already established himself on the action scene, having written the Karate Kid films. He would go on to write Lethal Weapon 3, The Fifth ElementThe TransporterTaken and the recent Gerard Butler hit Angel Has Fallen.

The film was shot in 1988, but due to financial difficulties on the part of the production company (Roger Corman’s New World Pictures) and the lack of interest on the part of the new owners, the film languished. It received only a limited theatrical release overseas and screened at some comic conventions before eventually being sold to Live Entertainment (now Lionsgate, who would go on to produce 2004’s The Punisher and 2008’s Punisher: War Zone) and released on home video in the United States in June of 1991. I would probably rent it a good half a dozen times by the end of the year.

“The Punisher” isn’t just a good early representation of the comic book movie genre, but a good late-eighties action film in general that just happened to have an unusually great pedigree for a film with its reputation. I don’t necessarily think it would have been an enormous hit if it was given a fair shake, but it certainly would have done better than Marvel’s other big screen attempt at the time, the live action Captain America, which was a complete miss all around and featured Steve Rogers using the “Can you pull the car over, I think I’m going to be sick” excuse to get out of a jam TWICE. Frank Castle’s origin may have changed in the film, making him an ex-cop instead of a former Marine, but at least he didn’t threaten to shit himself in Ned Beatty’s car.