Aug 11-17 Whoopi Goldberg Week: She’s become a corny tv lady these days, but let’s not forget that at her peak Whoopi was one of the funniest people alive.
Based on The Burglar in the Closet by Lawrence Block, this has Whoopi as former burglar Bernice “Bernie” Rhodenbarr, who is blackmailed into doing jobs for a corrupt cop named Ray Kirschman (G. W. Bailey, who is pretty much the go-to guy for bad cops after Police Academy). Then, Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake (Leslie Ann Warren) hires her to break into her ex-husband’s house, only for him to be killed. Another set-up, this time by her and her lawyer (James Handy).
With the help of her friend Carl Hefler (Bobcat Goldthwait), she investigates the case herself, learning that Christopher (Stephen Shellen), the dead husband, had plenty of girlfriends. Boyfriends, too, including the man who killed him, who ends up being — spoiler warning — the lawyer.
Is this a Giallo?
In an interview with Kevin Smith, writer Jeph Loeb — who went on to write comic books — said that this was going to star Bruce Willis with Whoopi Goldberg playing a neighbor. Bruce dropped out, and Goldberg moved into the lead. Not everyone was happy, as Roger Ebert said that Burglar was “… a witless, hapless exercise in the wrong way to package Goldberg. This is a woman who is original. Who is talented. Who has a special relationship with the motion picture comedy. It is criminal to put her into brain-damaged, assembly-line thrillers.”
Loeb wrote this along with Matthew Weisman and its director, Hugh Wilson, who created WKRP in Cincinnati and Frank’s Place in addition to directing the aforementioned Police Academy. He also made The First Wives Club and Dudley Do-Right. I bet Ebert loved that movie. Actually, he did! He gave it 2 1/2 stars out of 4 and wrote, “I did a little wincing the ninth or tenth time Dudley stepped on a loose plank and it slammed him in the head, but I enjoyed the film more than I expected to. It’s harmless, simple-minded, and has a couple of sequences better than Dudley really deserves.”
In the year 2037, genetically engineered Mati (Gabriel Damon) has been programmed by an evil doctor (Jürgen Prochnow) to design an AI named Monster, which drives a giant truck in a race for $100 million. Somehow, this brings together its human driver, Gus (Karen Allen) and French Elvis Johnny Hallyday as Stump as they navigate the end of the world.
Directed by Pierre-William Glenn and written by Patrice Duvic, Alain Gillot and Wallace Potts, this is a so out of left field post-apocalyptic cash-in, a film where a truck has a human mouth, where goth kids float in labs, an intro song by Stan Ridgway from Wall of Voodoo, three parts for Prochnow, Howard Vernon’s voice, a Philip K. Dick license plate, a shout-out to Heavy Metal artist Enki Bilal and despite all the car stunts, it has the core DNA of an art film beating inside what should be a total theft of Australia end of the world cinema.
The MVD releaase of this film has the U.S. and extended French versions of the film, as well as an interview with star Jürgen Prochnow, We All Descend – The Making of Terminus with Vincent Glenn (son of director Pierre-William Glenn), star Julie Glenn (daughter of Pierre-William Glenn) and archival interviews with Pierre-William Glenn, photo gallery, reversible cover artwork, a poster, a trailer and a limited edition slipcover. Get it from MVD.
A strange meteorite crashes to Earth in the United States, and the near-tragedy combines the three-person Flying Angels acrobatic team—Scott Masterson (Michael Lembeck), Chuck Gavin (Chad Everett), and Beth O’Brien (Adrienne Barbeau)—with Ultra Heroes who have come from Nebula M7. A mysterious old man — Walter Freeman (Stacy Keach Sr.) — recruits the three to become Ultra Force and face a series of monsters, including King Maera.
According to Ultrafandom, “Between 1981 and 1983, Tsuburaya Productions established a planning department in the United States called ULTRA COM, with the aim of creating a film script titled Ultraman: Hero from the Stars. This film, written by Donald F. Glut, focused on the story of an Ultraman active in the United States. The initial plan was to produce a live-action tokusatsu film, with Jackson Bostwick and Anne Lockhart cast as the main actors.”
That eventually became this movie, jointly produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions and Tsuburaya Productions and animated by Studio Sign and Ashi Productions. It was initially intended to become a series. Still, it became a TV movie in the U.S. and a theatrical release in Japan as part of the 1987 Ultraman Festival with Ultraman: Terror on Route 87, Ultraman Ace: Giant-Ant Terrible-Monster vs. the Ultra Brothers and Ultraman Kids.
Also known as Ultraman U.S.A., this finds the new Ultras assisted by robots — Ulysses (William Callaway), Samson (Ronnie Schell) and Andy (Charlie Adler) — and operating out of a high-tech superbase under the Georgia National Golf Club that has a hangar that opens up near Mount Rushmore. Now, Ultraman Scott, Chuck and Beth they’re ready to destroy the aliens from the planet Sorkin.
The U.S.A. Ultras also show up in the Ultraman Legend short, Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend The Movie and Ultra Galaxy Fight: The Destined Crossroad.
Directed by Mitsuo Kusakabe and Ray Patterson (who also made GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords and A Flintstone Family Christmas), this has a very American look — almost like how Bionic 6 and Mighty Orbots combined American and Japanese styles.
Also: Writer John Eric Seward isn’t a single person but a collective name for several people who worked together on the story.
This is a fun film, as all Ultraman films are, and feels quite a bit like Team America.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Stepford Children was on the CBS Late Movie on June 29, 1988.
The second of three TV movie sequels — there was also Revenge of the Stepford Wives, directed by Robert Fuest, and The Stepford Husbands — The Stepford Children is based on the Ira Levin novel The Stepford Wives and the films that came after.
Laura and Steven Harding (Barbara Eden and Don Murray) have brought their kids, David (Randall Batinkoff) and Mary (Tammy Lauren), to Stepford, Connecticut, the same place where Steven’s first wife died. Laura just wants to become a lawyer, but Steven joins the Men’s Association, which is still turning wives into robots. It’s also turning the kids into homework-obsessed drones.
David and neighbor girl Lois (Debbie Barker) start hanging out, as they both love motorcycles. Laura becomes friends with Lois’ mom, Sandy (Sharon Spelman). And she soon learns that while she lets her kids be who they want to be, her husband seems obsessed with making them perfect.
During a school dance, everyone starts to dance to big band standards and when David and Mary switch it up to some rock and roll, they do more than lose control. They freak out and the cops have to come, as the Stepford Children have not been programmed for 80s music. All the men of Stepford chase Lois, causing a motorcycle crash and then David sees them removing her arms at the hospital. The next day, she shows up brand new and dumps him.
A movie that somehow has “replacement Ginger” Judith Baldwin, James Coco, Dick Butkis and Hedwig and the Angry Inch star John Cameron Mitchell all in it? Yes, and it ends in the most astounding of ways, as the entire town must die for the humans to live.
Directed by Alan J. Levi and written by William Bleich, this is way more entertaining than you’d expect. Usually, I say fuck those kids, but this time I rooted for them.
Identical blonde twins Todd and Terry are at the drive-in with their mother, who is making out with her boyfriend in the front seat. Seeing so many people having sex — including his mom — from the back seat flips out Terry, who starts killing people with a hatchet. He smears the blood all over his brother, because that’s how forensics worked in the 1980s, and he escapes scot free. That’s how Blood Rage — one of the few films to be set on Thanksgiving — begins.
Ten years later, Terry (Mark Soper in a dual role) lives with his mother (Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman star Louise Lasser). On the night of Thanksgiving, Mom reveals that she’s about to marry Brad. We also learn that Todd has escaped from the mental hospital. Terry doubles down to keep his brother locked up by killing Brad by chopping off his right hand — which still clutches a can of Old Style — before splitting his head in half with a machete.
Todd’s doctor and her assistant are looking for him, but run into Terry, who stabs and dismembers both of them before hooking up with new neighbor Andrea who is planning a house party.
Meanwhile, Mom is freaking out learning that Todd is getting closer, but Terry is the one we should be worried about. He’s on a real tear, wiping out all sorts of people, like a tennis-playing couple. All manner of mistaken identity occurs, ending with a swimming pool battle between the twin brothers, and Mom kills Terry when she really wanted to kill Todd. And oh yeah — her incestual relationship with her son is revealed as the reason for his insanity. She blows her brains out and Todd just stands there as the police close in.
This movie is also Nightmare at Shadow Woods, with none of the gore left. You should avoid that one as the real reason to enjoy this — I mean, unless you enjoy 1980s films about incest — is the rampant gore.
Come for Ted Raimi, condom salesman. Stay for hatchets to the face and a doctor’s assistant sliced in half, as well as rampant synth music from Richard Einhorn, who also scored Shock Waves and Don’t Go in the House. It was directed by John Grissmer, who was also behind 1973’s The Bride(Last House on Massacre Street).
June 19: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is Free Space!
Director Robert Michael Ingria directed one movie.
You’re reading about it.
Manny Diaz worked as a dialogue coach on and wrote The Seven Minutes, was an assistant on Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and wrote the 1989 AIDS movie The Victims.
Somehow, they made a pro wrestling movie.
Hammerhead Jones is the champion of the American Council of Professional Wrestling, based in Miami, the literal heart of all wrestling in this real world. Kayfabe isn’t even a thing because all of the violence really happens to people. Hammerhead is played by Ted Vernon.
Vernon was a professional wrestler and manager for NWA Florida, D1PW and Future of Wrestling (all Florida-based promotions), but he’s done so much more. Let him tell you, in his own words, from his car dealership website, South Beach Classics:
“Ted Vernon has established worldwide recognition as an actor, writer and executive producer, since he played the title role in his own screenplay of Hammerhead Jones, which was released worldwide and still frequents HBO. Ted was the executive producer of the major motion picture of John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned with Universal Films starring Christopher Reeve, Kirstie Alley and Linda Kozlowski. Ted Vernon’s credits as star, actor and executive producer are in the all time cult famous film Scarecrows as Lead Role of Corbin, Mercenary. As an actor, Vernon filmed South Beach with Peter Fonda, Gary Busey, Fred Williamson; “Silent Hunter” with Fred Williamson and Miles Okeefe; The Unholy with Ben Cross and Trevor Howard; The Victims he played Arnold Cutter, Real Estate Mogul and Tough Guy; Deadly Rivals with Andrew Stevens and Margot Hemmingway; Played Kojak for Kojak Series Commercials on Channel 4 WTVJ; starred in commercial for Arequipena Beer.Vernon also appeared in the popular teen series S Club Seven, as the hilarious bodyguard wearing a dress. (Ted still insists he had the best legs in the group!) Vernon was also executive producer of a horror film shot in South Florida called Angel of Death.
Theatrical Performances include: Twice starring as The King in The King and I, Twice in Annie as Oliver Warbucks; Best Little Whorehouse in Texas as C.J. Scruggs;.Vernon’s additional ventures include two films by Accord Productions; Special Angelz and Death Print, both directed by Aiden Dillard, starring Ted Vernon. And of course, we can’t forget the worldwide hit SOUTH BEACH CLASSICS. Seasons 2,3 and 4 are available on Amazon Prime.
In addition, Vernon has done numerous music videos including “My Blue Angel” with Aaron Tippin; Miami High Boy Music video with Don Johnson and Andrew Hugger and has had his own Rock and Roll Music Band for many years and was lead singer of Ted Vernon and the Bulldogs, The Chromatics and The Autotones. Miami also followed Vernon back in his days of wrestling and boxing. As a boxer, he had a record of 21:1.”
Anyways, this movie.
Numbers Cooper (Anthony Albarino) has inherited the promotion from his kindly father. You know, like that kid in New York. He gets the idea to make all of his fights death matches where people fight with no referee until someone can’t move. Hammerhead retires instead of fighting in matches like that and supports an orphanage until his friend Mark Coleman (Joe Mascaro, the wrestling consultant; he’s also in Invasion U.S.A. and Dutch Treat, two Cannon movies) is put in a wheelchair. And now he has to fight. You’ve seen underground fight ring movies before, right?
The problem is that there aren’t many known wrestlers in this. Hammerhead is built like a car dealer who used to box when he was young because, well, that’s who he really is. But there are some real workers:
Rusty Brooks is in this. He had his own wrestling school and did enhancement matches for the WWF as well as wrestling as Super Duper Mario. Despite being born in Denton, Texas, the home of World Class Championship Wrestling, he was trained by “Gentleman” Jim Isler and Boris Malenko, spending most of his career in Florida.
Ricky Hunter is Butcher Block Barnes, a masked wrestler who wrestled under that name and as The Gladiator (I wonder if he gave that name to Florida wrestler Michael Lee Alfonoso, who wrestled as Mike Awesome in the U.S. and The Gladiator in Japan).
Joe Mirto was a lineman for the University of Miami Hurricanes, lettering from 1965 to 1967, and was a pro wrestler mainly known for doing jobs on WWF TV. He’s a tag team wrestler in this, along with Jim Young, who also appeared on WWF TV in a similar role. Crusher O’Brian is CWF wrestler Big Jim Haley; Joe ‘The Undertaker’ Markowitz is Bryan Carreiro, a former Mr. Jr. Florida who wrestled as The Terminator and The Thing.
Yet final boss Zarek is a very famous wrestler. It’s “Uncle Fred,” Fred Ottman, who wrestled as Tugboat and Typhoon in the WWF before leaving for WCW to become The Shockmaster. He fell face-first during the interview that introduced him, ruining everything. He also wrestled as Sigfried the Giant, Big Bubba and Big Steel Man. Today, he’s a WWE Hall of Famer along with Earthquake, his tag team partner as the Natural Disasters.
What amazes me most — look, I know you take any job — but this was edited by Angelo Ross, whose entertainment career started in the 30s as the dance partner of Rita Hayworth before he became an editor. Beyond this movie, he also worked as the music editor on The Hustler and edited Who Killed Teddy Bear, The Cross and the Switchblade, Smokey and the Bandit (he was Academy Award nominated for this!), Mr. No Legs, Jaguar Lives!, Masterblaster and King Frat.
Hammerhead Jones loves orphans and is prayed for by nuns, but if he wants to be seen as a man, he’s going to have to do a death match. Kids show up at these death matches — the credit “child at death match” is incredible — and this is the most carny wrestling movie ever, made by guys who would never make the big time, so they’re creating their own. A film where Rusty Brooks has better promos than the hero and little kids love him so much that they buy bald caps at the merchandise table so they can look like him. I bet Hammerhead is making all of that money and if he’s old school enough, he’s sharing a bit with the heel who puts him over strong.
You can watch this on the Crud Buddies YouTube channel.
June 12: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is Cartoons!
Back in the pre-Internet days of buying fifth-generation VHS dubs at conventions, Battle Royale High School was one of the first anime I owned. There were no subs or dubs—just demons and karate while wearing a Tiger Mask.
Based on the Shin’ichi Kuruma manga Majinden (Legend of the Demons), this starts with high school asskicker Riki Hyōdo, who loves to fight. He’s also the chosen body for Lord Byōdo, demon king of the Dark Realm, who comes to Earth to challenge him. There’s also Space-Time Continuum Inspector Zankan, a robotic man who has come to protect reality from the demon, and Toshimitsu Yūki, a student who knows how to fight these dark creatures.
They all face Fairy Master Kain, who has started to take over the bodies of students and attack others, like Megumi Koyama, who is in love with Riki.
As you can imagine, a 50-minute adaptation of a long-running manga leaves a ton out. Director and writer Ichirô Itano worked on tons of famous anime, including Fist of the North Star, Violence Jack, Tekkaman Blade, Gantz and started as an in-between artist on stuff like Galaxy Express 999 and Farewell to Space Battleship Yamato: Warriors of Love before graduating to being an animator on Mobile Suit Gundam. Today, he designs kaiju for anime like SSSS.Dynazenon and SSSS.Gridman.
This is the kind of movie that has a woman explode all over the hero, then he rebuilds her from a gore-filled mess and says, “Nice tits.” You can only guess how much 15-year-old me loved this.
John Pressman (Michael Lerner) is a barely controlled diabetic who works for an eye doctor but is also going blind. And his mother, Alice (Zelda Rubinstein), is controlling him, making him kill people for their eyes. One night, he decides to escape from his mother and hide in a theater that’s showing The Lost World, killing people one by one until the cops arrive with his mother as a hostage negotiation tactic. Except she gets shot and he gets arrested. Cue the credits.
Maybe not.
Because The Mother is the movie playing at The Rex, it’s disturbing everyone who views it. There’s even one man who keeps coming back and has decided to kill people in perfect union with the movie. Even as the police arrive in The Mother, they are showing up in Anguish, but the movie never ends. Even with the death of the killing machine, John Pressman shows up in one of the survivor’s minds and he wants her eyes.
Maybe not.
Because this is another movie in a movie.
Bigas Luna seems like he’s directing a slasher, pulling every rug out from under you, and dropping the floor and the earth under you. Originally, Bette Davis was asked to be The Mother in this and wow, except that Rubinstein is beyond exceptional. Also, it starts with this disclaimer: “During the film you are about to see, you will be subject to subliminal messages and mild hypnosis. This will cause you no physical harm or lasting effect, but if for any reason you lose control or feel that your mind is leaving your body — leave the auditorium immediately.””
What if they made a budget-friendly version of Hardcore that featured Barbara Crampton as Bonnie, a woman searching for her sister who has been lost in the Los Angeles world of cinema? And what if Dr. Pepper Werewolf David Naughton played tough cop Vince McCarthy, the only man who can help her find her sister, Debbie (Kimberly Evenson, Inga from Porky’s Revenge) escape the clutches of maybe Hugh Hefner but named Victor Nardi (Elvis’ stunt double Lance LeGault), because it’s cool to make Italian stereotypical bad guys even in 2025. And what if Jimmie Walker played a porn store employee? And how about if Charles Napier was the angry cop boss?
This is that movie.
It’s the kind of movie where the cop and the girl sneak onto a porn set and almost have to act in it, with one of the bad guys asking to look at Vince’s cock, who unzips away from Bonnie and then the scumbag replies, “Holy Christ! What do you feed that monster?” Where everyone suddenly knows kung fu. And can we get a role for Robert Dryer, the evil Jake from Savage Streets, please?
The cop has a monkey that lives with him and that monkey straight up walks in on a nearly fully nude Barbara Crampton, who just laughs it off. Oh, what a cute little guy! When he just came in, eating a banana, I didn’t know what was happening. That’s the kind of movie this is.
A film that ends with a victim who should be far away from the bad guy somehow getting a gun and killing him in front of tons of cops, who had to have been rock hard watching her kill a man with no due process.
This is why I don’t get to have film series at local theaters: if I did, I would totally pick Kidnapped and stand before audiences, telling them the mystery of moviemaking and preparing them for it. But I couldn’t. In no way could I get them ready. Additionally, there would be no audience, because who, other than me, wants to watch this?
April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 25 and 26, 2025. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included). You can buy tickets at the show, but get there early and learn more here.
The features for Friday, April 25 are the first four A Nightmare On Elm Street movies.
After the much-criticized second installment (I actually really enjoyed it, as it has a lot of European flair and its subject matter seems like a middle finger in the face of teenage boys who would seem to be its biggest audience), Wes Craven returned to write the inspiration for this script, which was initially about the phenomenon of children traveling to a specific location to commit suicide (think Japanese murder forests).
Frank Darabont and Chuck Russell took that direction and convinced New Line that the series should go further into Freddy’s dream world. The success of this film proved that A Nightmare on Elm Streetwould be a franchise, as this film made more than the first two movies put together. The team would go on to create 1988’s remake of The Blob before Darabont went into making Stephen King adaptions and Russell would direct The Mask, The Scorpion King and Collateral.
Kristen Parker (Patricia Arquette) is obsessed with the abandoned house on Elm Street (which one assumes is the last house on the left), making papier-mâché sculptures (which makes for a tremendous compressed credit sequence, showing headlines of what has gone on before) and dreaming of Freddy chasing her. She awakens from her nightmare to discover that she’s slicing her own wrists as her mother Elaine (Brooke Bundy) has to interrupt her sleepover date to save her daughter’s life.
Kristen ends up in Westin Hospital, run by Dr. Neil Gordon (Craig Wasson, Body Double), battling the orderlies and doctors who want to sedate her. Check out a young Laurence Fishburne here as orderly Max Daniels! She’s eventually helped by the new therapist — Nancy Thompson! — who recites Freddy’s nursery rhyme to her. Continuity be damned, Nancy’s grey streak is now on the opposite side of her head.
We meet the rest of the patients, who will soon become the Dream Warriors: Phillip the sleepwalker (Bradley Gregg, Class of 1999), wheelchair-bound Will (Ira Heiden, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark), streetwise Kincaid, actress Jennifer (Penelope Sudrow, After Midnight), the silent Joey and Taryn, a former drug addict (Jennifer Rubin, who is also in a movie that totally rips off this one, Bad Dreams).
The Dream Warriors is pure entertainment. Freddy moves toward being more of a joking character while transforming into a snake, a TV set, a gigantic puppet master and even turning his fingers into drug-filled hypodermic needles. Kristen can pull the rest of the teens into her dreams, which they’ll need as Freddy and all of their doctors are pretty much against them.
Dr. Neil learns from Sister Mart Helena the true origins of Freddy, the bastard son of one hundred maniacs, and how he can stop him. Enlisting Nancy’s dad (John Saxon returns!), Neil digs up Freddy’s bones, which are still deadly, while Nancy tries to save as many of the kids as she can within the dreamworld.
This is probably the best New Mutants movie ever made; much better than New Mutants.
The film ends Nancy’s saga while setting things up for a new cast of characters to battle Freddy. At least that’s what you’re supposed to think, as A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master pretty much wipes the slate clean within the first ten minutes. We covered it briefly, so follow the link to read more.
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