EDITOR’S NOTE: Bad Girls Dormitory was on USA Up All Night on September 2, 1989; May 5 and November 23, 1990; May 4 and August 16, 1993; April 16 and August 14, 1993.

Tim Kincaid also made The Occultist, Mutant Hunt, Breeders, Robot Holocaust and lots of male-focused porn as Joe Gage. This is his women-in-prison film and it has a young women-focused behavioral unit run by Miss Madison (Marita, in her only film, with an accent that feels comedic).

Paige (Natalie O’Connell) is fresh off the bus and gets caught up in a vice bust. Marina (Teresa Farley) was left behind by her friends when the cops busted their coke party. Eula (Renata Cobbs) has been there for a while. And now, they’re fodder for the WIP grist mill, subjected to dirty touches by Dr. DeMarco (Dan Barclay) and Nurse Stevens (Rebecca Rothbaum) and prison attacks. You know how it happens.

A social worker named Ron (Rick Gianasi) is trying to fix things and gets a tour of the prison, but mostly he just gets to see naked female flesh because, well, you’re not watching this to learn about social reform. You’re there to see Jennifer Delora from Deranged and Deadly Manor take a shower with LeeAnne Baker and Debbis Laster. You can hang your head in shame after you read this. Lori (Casey Zuris) ends up having sex with the social worker, and yeah, she killed her last guy after his friends tag-teamed her, so treat her right.

Are there bad girls? You know it. Lisa (Jennifer Delora) and Rebel (Donna Eskra) — who tell the doctor he’s the worst lay ever and inform his nurse that she “doesn’t want a bitch, she wants a man” — are the ones who beat up the good girls and keep the plot moving. There’s also Dottie (Kate McCamy), who responds to a threat by saying, “If you make me get up, I’m going to be twisting some tits.” There’s also Gloria (Sherry Hoard), who is pregnant and doesn’t want anyone to know. Rebel gets assigned to her and screws a guard while she’s having a miscarriage. Cinema.

There are so many girls in the Bad Girls Dormitory, and I may have lost track of a few. This also looks nothing like any other prison that I’ve seen. But hey, I haven’t ever been in a Bad Girls Dormitory.

You can watch this on YouTube.

EDITOR’S NOTE: My Chauffeur was on USA Up All Night on January 17 and December 20, 1997.

Deborah Foreman is my favorite 1980’s comedy girl. From Real Genius to Valley Girl, April Fool’s Day and Waxwork, she’s always dependable, always cute and always real. She’s the kind of girl that 80s dorks like me wish we’d get as girlfriends. And people noticed, with one critic comparing her to a “New Wave Carole Lombard crossed with early Shirley MacLaine.” Sadly, she never really broke through to the mainstream. She has said that My Chauffeur is her favorite film in which she has appeared and that it was the most fun she ever had making a movie.

In My Chauffeur, she plays Casey Meadows, a free spirit who somehow ends up working for the Brentwood Limousine Service, which brings her into conflict with the company’s manager, McBride (Howard Hesseman!). At first, the older drivers all treat her like dirt, but her plucky spirit and hard work soon win them over. Even when they set her up with nightmare client Cat Fight, a goofball, drugged-out rock star, she succeeds.

Casey soon starts driving around Battle Witherspoon (Sam J. Jones, Flash Gordon), the son of limo company owner Mr. Witherspoon (E.G. Marshall, Creepshow). She helps him through a breakup, but he’s a heel, a rich boy unable to be kind to anyone — until Casey breaks through.

However, she soon runs afoul of an oil sheik and a con artist who take her for a ride even more ridiculous than the band at the start of the movie. It turns out they’re wanted men, which results in Casey being fired. Penn and Teller play them, and this was at the very start of their career.

Battle becomes a better person, and he and Casey fall in love. He takes her home to meet her father, and when she is in her house, she has deja vu. That’s because her mother was a former employee, and she played in the house. And Battle’s dad is actually her real father. But whew — luckily for those who don’t want a Flowers in the Attic situation — Casey’s real dad was Giles, one of the other limo drivers. That means our young couple can get married and all ends happily.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Spiker was on the CBS Late Movie on October 13, 1988 and January 4, 1989.

Coach Doames (Michael Parks) is assembling the Olympic volleyball team, and I wonder, with the world burning around me, why I’m watching a movie about volleyball from the 80s? For you, dear reader. That’s how I will remain sane.

Catch (Patrick Houser), Suonny (Stephen W. Burns) and Newt (Christopher Allport) all have their issues and we’ll live through their drama in the pursuit of glory. Can Catch and Pam (Kristi Ferrell) have a relationship when all he does is spike the ball all day? Will Newt ever grow up? How about Newt? Will he stop sleeping around with the many volleyball groupies and get back with his wife, Marcia (Jo McDonnell), who complains that she’s 31 and feels old? 31? What is wrong with you? Also, did the filmmakers see McDonnell in Island Claws and say, “That’s our angry wife?”

Directed by Roger Tilton, who wrote it with Marlene Matthews — who developed the Emily of New Moon TV series — this movie is… something. It also has Parks as a man who cares more about volleyball than anyone ever has before, since or will in the future.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Director Hideo Gosha took journalist Shōko Ieda’s 1986 book Gokudō no Tsuma-tachi, packed with interviews with the wives and girlfriends of real yakuza, and turned it into this film. It stars Shima Iwashita as Tamaki, a woman who takes over the Awazu Family, which is part of the Domoto syndicate, while her husband is imprisoned. As a result, some family members leave the family and form their own group, the Awasu family and war is declared.

Makoto Ike (Rino Katase), her sister, finds herself in a relationship with a rival criminal who abuses her. This leads to a fight between the sisters — Makoto was promised in an arranged marriage — but by the end, she tells her to become a yakuza wife, even as she cuts her off from the family.

A women-targeted film despite all of the bloodshed — don’t get too attached to any of the yakuza husbands — this shows us how the better half views the world of Japanese crime. I may have an issue with a raped woman falling for her captor, but how many times has that trope showed up in exploitation? I’ll never understand it, but here it is again.

The 88 Films Blu-ray release of Yakuza Wives has extras including an introduction by Mark Schilling, an interview with tattoo artist Seiji Mouri, a stills gallery, trailers and new artwork by Sean Longmore. You can get it from MVD.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Last Resort was on the CBS Late Movie on December 29, 1988.

Zane Busby started her career as an editor for Jodorowsky’s The Holy Mountain and acted in Up In Smoke before directing this movie for Julie Corman. This is one of those movies that has a surprising cast, beyond Charles Grodin in the lead (also in King Kong ’76, So I Married an Axe Murderer, and Axe Murderer). There’s Megan Mullaly (TV’s Will and Grace), Gerrit Graham (Phantom of the Paradise), Jon Lovitz (Almost Sharkproof), Phil Hartman (Cheech and Chongs Next Movie) and Mario Van Peebles (A Clear Shot) all making appearances.

George Lollar (Grodin) takes his family on vacation to Club Sand, where everyone else is having sex while he has his kids in tow. There’s also a revolution happening, a staff that could care less about hospitality, and Charles couldn’t be more like Charles Grodin.

It’s also the only woke movie I’ve seen in these 80s comedies, where the other f-word gets someone in trouble. About time — I knew things were intolerant back then, but it’s nice to see that some people were also willing to tell people to back off.

Man, not to pile on the Grodin downers, but this movie is the kind of film that posits the question, “Can Charles Grodin be the Chevy Chase that people love or the Chevy Chase that people hate?” Remember that Casio keyboard that Chevy would randomly play on his abortive talk show? I’m shocked Grodin wasn’t lugging it around. There’s your answer.

Crime is the disease. He’s the cure.

I’ve opined that if we compare the two God-tier action stars—Arnold and Sly—Arnold may have the best overall catalog, but Stallone has the better individual films. One wins the battle, the other wins the war. Or, as he’d say, “Don’t push it, or I’ll give you war you won’t believe.”

Somehow, Stallone was going to be in Beverly Hills Cop and wanted it to be not so funny. Then he wanted to be in an adaptation of Fair Game by Paula Gosling—which got made nine years later, and the less said, the better—and then he ended up making a movie that pretty much is every 80s over-the-top—no pun intended—action movie cliche all in one film.

And you know what? It’s great.

Like, honestly, non-ironically great.

It’s Stallone suddenly deciding what if a slasher movie broke out in the middle of a one cop against the world movie? Zombie Squad cop Marion Cobretti against an entire cult of lunatics called The New World, led by the Night Slasher (Brian Thompson, who had to buy his own ticket to see the film), all to save the life of Ingrid Knudsen (Brigitte Nielsen)? Do you have any idea how many times I watched this movie? Stallone stealing Steve McQueen lines and saying, “This is where the law stops and I start, sucker!” is the kind of thing that made a young me continually watch and rewatch and take notes.

There’s a two-hour-plus X-rated — for violence — cut of this movie that I’m dying to see. Throat cuttings, hands sliced clean off, children discovering said hands, David Rasche getting killed with axes and an extended ending — these are the things I want to see!

Stallone has talked about making a sequel with Robert Rodriguez — as late as 2019 — but it just seems like cutting the robot out of Rocky IV, Sly sometimes likes to play with my heart.

In case you think George P. Cosmatos’ name is familiar, his son — using the royalties from this movie — would go on to make Mandy and Beyond the Black Rainbow. And I’m not the only fan of this movie, as Nicolas Winding Refn used a toothpick in the hero’s mouth in Drive to show his fandom.

So, how is this Cannon? After all, the Cannon logo isn’t anywhere in the movie. Golan and Globus only get a production credit, as it was mostly a Warner Bros. movie, but they got that title in return for voiding a prior agreement the Cannon had with Stallone.

Finally: I am a movie gun nut, so just like another Cannon actor, Charles Bronson, Stallone had his own custom gun made for this movie, a 9mm Colt Gold Cup National Match 1911 that fires Glaser Safety Slugs. This bullet was designed in 1974 in response to the possibility of having to use a handgun on an airplane by the Sky Marshals and having to deal with ricochets on hard surfaces and possible excess penetration. It’s a pre-fragmented bullet that uses a traditional copper jacket, which means that instead of a solid lead core like conventional hollow-point ammunition, it has a compressed core of lead shot.

It does not shoot through schools.

Finally, action movies are mirrors upon themselves. While Cobra reunites Dirty Harry actors Andrew Robinson and Reni Santoni, Sylvester Levay’s song “The Chase” would end up in trailers for Bloodsport and Marked for Death.

The Arrow Video release of Cobra has a brand new 4K restoration of the film from the original 35mm negative by Arrow Films. There are two new commentary tracks, one by film critics Kim Newman and Nick de Semlyen and the other by film scholars Josh Nelson and Martyn Pedler, as well as an archival audio commentary by director George P. Cosmatos. Plus, there’s a TV version of the film featuring deleted and alternate scenes, presented for the first time on home video (standard definition only), a new interview with composer Sylvester Levay, visual essays by film critics Abbey Bender and Martyn Conterio, archival interviews with Brian Thompson, Marco Rodriguez, Andrew Robinson, Lee Garlington and Art LaFleur as well as a making of, trailers, TV commercials and an image gallery. Plus, you get it all inside a reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Tommy Pocket, as well as an illustrated collector’s booklet containing new writing on the film by film critics Clem Bastow, William Bibbiani, Priscilla Page and Ariel Schudson and a double-sided fold-out poster.

You can order it from MVD.