The first Scream Greats may have been about Tom Savini, but the second Fangoria VHS documentary release suddenly remembered that it was being released in the dead heart of the Satanic Panic.

Of course, Ed and Lorraine Warren show up to warn everyone watching this that the world was in a constant battle with demons. Of course, according to the Hollywood Reporter, “in the early 1960s, Ed Warren initiated a relationship with an underage girl with Lorraine’s knowledge. Now in her 70s, Judith Penney has said in a sworn declaration that she lived in the Warrens’ house as Ed’s lover for four decades.” But yeah, please tell us about Amityville.

Director Damon Santostefano also made Fright Show for Starlog magazine and the first volume of this series and trust me, I’ve heard for years how angry readers were that the second installment wasn’t about horror movies.

This was made during the period where Anton LaVey was strangely enough not doing publicity, so his only appearance here is via clips from Satanis. Otherwise, the rest of the blurred out devil worshippers come off as ridiculous, except for Paul Douglas Valentine, who led the Church of Satanic Liberation.

This was $39.95 when it came out, which really seems like a small price to pay to upset anyone that saw it on top of your VCR. Take it from someone who was obsessed with offending people in high school. I would have totally bootlegged this.

Also, this came out on laserdisc, which we all know is the most Satanic of all media formats.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Sword and sorcery was a big part of the films that Roger Corman released in the 1980’s. To be fair, different sword and sorcery cycles — peblum to Conan ripoff — have always been part of Corman’s films.

Amazons is from Argentina and is based on the Charles R. Saunders story Agbewe’s Sword. Saunders was born in Elizabeth, PA, about fifteen minutes from where we live. He settled in Nova Scotia where he worked for a local newspaper and wrote several well-received short stories about the African-American community there. He also, in his spare time, created the world of Imaro and became one of the first writers to create African-American centric sword and sorcery stories*.

Based on the real-life female warriors of the West African Kingdom of Dahomey, Amazons tells the story of several female warriors, like Dyala (Mindi Miller, Caged Fury), Tashi (Penelope Reed), Tashinge (Danitza Kingsley, Blackout) and Vishiti (Maria Fournery, Deathstalker).

What is not based on reality is that there’s a woman in this movie who can transform into a lion. So know that going in. Neither is the Sword of Azundati, which the trailer seems to think is Excalibur. But hey, who cares about reality? There are Amazon fights galore, including one battle between one of the women and a giant snake. That’s really why I watch movies.

You can watch this on Tubi.

*He also wrote Stormquest, another movie that was made with Sessa directing. It’s all about a female-dominated society coming to realize that they may be wrong by excluding men. It’s one of the last of ten Argentinan barbarian movies that Corman would produce.

Alain Payet — working under the name James Gartner* — mostly worked in adult films and supposedly directed this, but a few minutes in and you realize that no, you’re watching another Jess Franco movie, which is even more apparent when you realize that even though he didn’t put his name on as a director, he used two aliases for writing (story by Jeff Manner, screenplay by A.L. Mariaux) and Lina Romay shows up as one of the Amazon guards.

Man, this movie is — as is obvious — a mess, but it’s also about Liana Simpson (Analía Ivars, Panther Squad, Franco’s Lust for Frankenstein), whose parents were killed by the Golden Temple Amazons — we get to watch it more than once — and she was raised by the creatures of the jungle before getting her chimp Rocky and a witch doctor named Koukou (Stanley Kapoul, who is also in The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak, which is a much better movie of the same genre).

There’s also Antonio Mayans (who was in Revenge of the Alligator Girls and directed its sequel), William Berger in a loincloth, Emilio Linder from Christina and Monster Dog, Alicia Príncipe (The Erotic Story of O) and Eva León (Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll, Bahía Blanca) as Rena, the leader of the Amazons, who has an all gold everything matchy matchy fashion ensemble.

There’s also the same deathtrap from Erotic Rites of Frankenstein, so this has that going for it.

Look — you’re gonna like Jess Franco or you’re going to be bored into insanity or if you’re me, you’re going to zone out and use his movies to improve your positive mental attitude and use his tics — long pauses, plenty of scenery, a near-total disregard for how to tell a story — to get closer to Nirvana. Join me, I guess.

*On Letterboxd, Kyle Faulkner drops some science on me by stating how Payet came on board when Eurocine bought this movie, took a bunch of Franco footage to reedit and added shots of women on horseback. This actually played theaters, which is destroying my brain.

You can watch this on Tubi.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Herbert P. Caine is the pseudonym of a frustrated academic and genre movie fan in Pennsylvania. You can read his blog at https://imaginaryuniverseshpc.blogspot.com/.

Biotherapy is a Japanese horror short from 1986 that takes full advantage of its short running time. Although it does not have much in the way of plot or characterization, it makes up for it with a fast pace, great special effects, and all the gore you could ask for in thirty-five minutes.

The short traces the horrible fates that befall a group of scientists working on “GT medicine,” a promising but still flawed chemical that induces exponential growth in those that consume it, similar to H. G. Wells’s Food of the Gods. The scientists find themselves being stalked by a mysterious masked man who emits a blue glow and murders them one by one while demanding a sample of the medicine. Does it have anything to do with the recent meteor shower, or is he just an addict ahead of the curve?

The film’s main selling points are its gruesome murders and excellent practical effects. The scientists’ pursuer is disturbingly creative in his means of killing, starting with an opening sequence where he tears out the lead scientist’s eye. Although obviously made on a low budget, the filmmakers squeeze every cent to present convincing effects for the masked killer’s murder spree. Although they are not as high tech as modern CGI, these “cheap” practical effects seem more realistic. The model body parts and fake blood have a sense of weight, having not been drawn on with a computer. Furthermore, even the corniest fake blood looks better than CGI blood, which has yet to capture the flow of an actual liquid splashing or spreading on the ground.

As stated at the beginning, Biochemistry’s script is pretty bare bones. None of the characters are fleshed out, and the villain’s motives and actions are at times confusing. The script also relies on the occasional deus ex machina to help out its characters. However, it makes up for these flaws with a fast pace that keeps the plot moving and prevents you from thinking too much about lapses in logic.

If there was one movie that was hard to rent at my neighborhood mom and pop video store, this would be it.*

Leonard Maltin gave this movie his dreaded BOMB review, comparing it to 1950’s car race and 1970’s roller disco movie films. Yeah, Leonard. Wondering why everyone liked it so much?

Shot in Alberta, Canada — look for a young Robin Bougie from Cinema Sewer — this movie may have failed in theaters. but like I said above, it was a top rental film for what seems like forever.

Cru Jones has two choices: take the SAT in order to attend college or race Helltrack, which could mean $100,000, a new Chevrolet Corvette and fame. His mom, Talia Shire, whines so much that you wish that Stanley Kubrick would arrive to cause PTSD to take her out of this film, but no, she just cries that he’s throwing away his future. He is, near-fifty-year-old me can tell you, but have you seen Helltrack?

The thing I never understood about this movie was how could Mongoose have allowed themselves to be portrayed in such a negative light? They were such a big BMX company and in nearly every scene, their owner Duke Best is out to get Cru and to push his own rider Bart Taylor.

Before she went to jail for that college scam, Lori Loughlin played the tough tomboy that the hero fell in love with. Here, she’s Christian Hollings and she BMX bike dances with Cru, setting hearst aflutter. For more Laughlin roles like this, see Secret Admirer and Back to the Beach.

The evil Reynolds twins who try and destroy Cru on Helltrack grew up to be Chad and Carey Hayes, the writers of the remake of House of Wax, as well as The Conjuring movies.

Man, this movie still leaves me with so many questions. How could the town raise $50,000 so quick for Cru? How does he have the money to sign up Bart when he gets kicked off the Mongoose team? Why did my grandparents buy me a Schwinn that weighed as much as a Harley when all I wanted was a BMX bike?

This movie wasn’t on DVD or blu ray for years until Vinegar Syndrome did a limited release. It’s streaming now, so you can finally legally watch it.

Also, look for pro wrestler Hard Boiled Haggerty, who yells to our hero, “Go balls out!” before the Helltrack** race. That was the films original title.

This was directed by Hal Needham, who also made so many stunt heavy movies like the Smokey and the Bandit films, Stroker Ace, Body Slam, Hooper, Death Car on the Freeway and, of course, Megaforce.

*Other movies that fit this bill are Thashin’, The Dirt Bike Kid and The Toxic Avenger.

**None of the stunt racers could complete a lap of Helltrack, with major worries about the giant hill that starts the race. The entire scene took two weeks to film.