Consider Light Blast (Colpi di Luce in Italy, which means Strokes of Light) Erik Estrada’s Rick Dalton moment. Made two years after the show that made him famous — CHiPs — was canceled and six years after People named him one of The 10 Sexiest Bachelors in the World, this finds Estrada in Italy working for Enzo G. Castellari, the same man who directed The Inglorious Bastards, 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Estrada even married his leading lady, Peggy Lynn Rowe, while in Rome making this movie.

He plays San Francisco cop Ronn Warren who must stop Dr. Yuri Svoboda (Ennio Girolami, who is in many a Castellari movie; he was the President in Escape from the Bronx and Viking in Sinbad), who has a laser ray that can melt human flesh — this being an Italian movie, we get to watch a young couple make love and then get burned down into goo and skeletons — unless he’s paid $10 million dollars.

How much of a tough guy is Warren? We meet him when he defuses a hostage situation by walking in just in the tiniest of a banana hammock carrying a turkey that has a pistol inside it. He shoots a criminal right in the face and then takes everyone else out while pretty much naked. Why? Who cares. It’s San Francisco, which has a Chinatown, baby!

This being an 80s movie, the final boss has decided to menace the Oakland Stunt Show, which means we get to see people race dune buggies. In fact, if you love car chases, I would dare say that this is the movie for you. And face melting. Seriously, Castellari and co-writer Tito Carpi (Tentacles, Alien from the Deep, Atlantis Interceptors) must have watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and decided to go all in on human features being turned into wet hot bloody goo.

Speaking of Atlantis Interceptors, if you liked the Maurizio and Guido De Angelis music from that movie, you’re in luck. It’s in this movie too. So is some of the Oliver Onions score from Yor, Hunter from the Future.

Also: This also uses footage from Fireball 500 for that stunt show. I am proud of my Italian people for believing in recycling before anyone else.

If you rented movies with me in the 80s and 90s, I would have totally picked this. And you might have wondered why and then when it started with gratuitous nudity and body melt, you’d look over and see me laughing and say, “Well, yeah. That’s why it picked this.”

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the June 6, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here. While they discussed what this movie is like in the world where Rick Dalton appeared in the movie, this article is about the one from our reality.

Cannon released several Italian films that they didn’t have a hand in making, like this one, directed by Antonio Margheriti (Cannibal Apocalypse, And God Said to Cain, Yor Hunter from the Future) and written by Giovanni Simonelli (John Travolto da un insolito destino, The Crimes of the Black Cat).

Duke “Captain Yankee” Howard (Christopher Connelly) and Gin Fizz (Luciano Pigozzi) sell fake jungle adventure dreams to rich foreigners who want a story to brag about when they get back home. But one day, U.S. government man Warren (Lee Van Cleef) tells them that he’ll expose their scan if they don’t guide museum curator Lansky (Mike Monty) and Maria (Marina Costa, who is also in The Final Executioner, another Italian movie that Cannon released; she has Carolynn De Fonseca’s voice) and find the Ruby of Doom. Or Gloom. Sometimes both. To get it, they’ll have to fight some river pirates, led by Tiger (Protacio Dee). Luckily, Captain Yankee has a child in his crew that has a near-psychic rapport with a deadly cobra, which is something you don’t see in many Raiders redux movies.

So yes, this might be Raiders of the Lost Ark, but so are two other movies Margheriti made, Ark of the Sun God and Hunters of the Golden Cobra. Video store shelves were starving for more treasure hunting rogues and he was the man to film these ripoffs, remixes and remakes.

Also: the use of miniatures and action figures to get big explosions in this movie is utterly charming. If you’re the kind of person that finds that cheap and off-putting, perhaps stop watching Italian 80s exploitation movies now. Or never start.

PS: The snake even gets a love interest.

In the world of Tarantino, Duke Howard is played by Rick Dalton instead of Christopher Connelly. The Ruby of Gloom and the snake romance remains.

Also known as Ninja Turf, this was directed by Woo-sang Park, who we all know directed Miami Connection. It’s about new kid at school Tony (Phillip Rhee, who created and starred in the Best of the Best series of movies) and how he instantly vibes with a gang leader named Young (Jun Chong, whose company Action Brothers Productions made this movie happen; he’s a celebrity martial arts trainer who taught Sam J. Jones, Lorenzo Lamas and Phillip Rhee). Their friendship is enough to get him threatened by another gangster, Chan (James Lew). In the middle of Young saving Tony, they get offered a job as security guards. Yes, that can happen.

In between their security gigs, they rumble with the Blades and Spike’s Gang, which has Biff Tannen as a member. Seriously, it’s him. But when they’re not fighting, Tony hooks up with Chan’s sister Lily. This enrages his enemy and his friend too, as all Young can think about is feeling alone. And oh yeah, his mom, who lives to drink and sleep with men.

Young has some issues.

He also screws up when those issues get to him as he and Tony do security for a mob boss and he steals a briefcase filled with money from a drug deal. That boss sends a swordsman named Yoshida (Ken Nagayama) and a fighter called Kruger (Bill “Superfoot” Wallace). They meet up with Chan, who eagerly tells them where to find his enemies and they even torture a whole bunch of Tony and Young’s school buddies. They catch up with Young, who kills Yoshida and breaks Kruger’s knee, all while Tony is studying.

On the way to the hospital with his injured friends, Young is stopped by Chan and his entire gang. His mother comes out into the street and tells him that she’s sorry for everything she’s ever done and, wow, Chan beats her into oblivion while her son watches. Then, the gang brutalizes him and Tony gets there too late. Grabbing his friend’s wooden sword, he chases away the gang and probably kills Chan. But again, it’s pointless, because Young dies in his arms.

Jaime Mendoza-Nava, who wrote this movie with Ji-woon Hong, was mostly known for composing music for films and TV shows. Some of the 300 works he contributed to include music for The Witchmaker, The Stewardesses, Dream No Evil, Grave of the Vampire, The Town That Dreaded Sundown, Mausoleum and Death Wish Club, which is really “The Case of Gretta Connors” from Night Train to Terror.

This isn’t as amazing as Miami Connection but it’s the dark opposite coast version of friendship in the middle of street fights. It’s a lot of fun, even if the ending is nihilistic pain.

You can watch this on Tubi.

VIDEO ARCHIVES NOTES: This movie was discussed on the March 14, 2023 episode of the Video Archives podcast and can be found on their site here.

Hugh Wilson created WKRP In Cincinnati, Frank’s Place, The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd and The Famous Teddy Z for TV, which would be enough for a career, but he also directed Police Academy, a movie he rewrote just so he could direct it. He also made Burglar, Guarding Tess, The First Wive’s Club and Blast from the Past, so he definitely had a great career.

Rustler’s Rhapsody was inspired by working at CBS Studio Center, which was once the Republic Pictures backlot. Wilson said, I grew up watching Roy and Gene and Hopalong Cassidy. That was my idea of a movie.” He told the Los Angeles Times, “This isn’t really a send up. We’re playing it very straight. We loved those old films and we really are trying to say something about them, like how can the hero keep changing his shirt?”

Shot in Spain on some of the same sets Sergio Leone made his films on, this is a strange proposition. Yes, the 80s saw a Western revival of sorts with Young Guns and Silverado, but I wondered, before seeing this, that if everything funny to be said about Westerns had already been said in Blazing Saddles.

I was wrong.

Double wrong, as this was released pretty closely to Lust In the Dust, a movie it vied for Godlen Raspberry awards for, with Henner nominated for worst actress and Divine for worst actor. As always, I hate those awards.

Anyhow…

Rex O’Herlihan (Tom Berenger) is somehow supernaturally smart. Maybe it’s all the vegetables he’s been digging up and eating. But he knows the story before anyone else does, that he and his high-stepping horse Wildfire are eternally destined to “ride into a town, help the good guys, who are usually poor for some reason, against the bad guys, who are usually rich for some reason, and ride out again.”

This town, the fifty-third that they’ve been to, is Oakwood Estates. Peter the town drunk (G.W. Bailey, also from the Police Academy films; Brant Van Hoffman, who was Kyle in that film is also in this ) explains that Colonel Ticonderoga (Andy Griffith) owns the town and the sheriff (John Orchard), and is working with a railroad tycoon (Fernando Rey, who was in Corbucci’s Navajo Joe and Compañeros). As Ticonderoga says to the railroad colonel, “We should stick together. Look what we have in common: we’re both rich, we’re both power-mad, and we’re both colonels — that’s got to count for something!”

Soon, Blackie (Jim Carter) and two of his men show up in the saloon and threaten the hooker with the heart of gold Miss Tracy (Marilu Henner). Rex shoots the guns out of their hands, but not before they shoot their leader, whose loss is lamented equally by Ticonderoga and his daughter (Sela Ward). In fact, it’s hard to tell which one loved him more.

To keep control of their town, the town rich men hire “Wrangler” Bob Barker (John Wayne’s son Patrick, who is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met), who as a fellow good guy is able to get inside Rex’s head and make him doubt even his maleness. Is it time to break the cycle before Peter goes from drunk to sidekick to dead — like always — and he has to do this all over again in another town?

I find it funny that one of the later movies that Wilson made was Dudley Do-Right, a parody of the same things that this movie is making fun of. He knows exactly the right notes to hit, including a horse so incredible that it can avoid bullets.

I remember seeing the cover to Ghoulies at Prime Time Video and like some kind of snobbery moron, I never rented it. What was I thinking? Did I think it was a ripoff of Gremlins and not worth watching? I was half right, because it is, but it’s way better than it has any right to be.

I mean, does this movie know me? It starts with a Satanic ceremony in which Malcolm Graves (Michael Des Barres, once of the band Detective) tries to sacrifice a child. Instead, he kills his mother Anastasia (Victoria Catlin, Maniac Cop) and sends him away with an assistant named Wolfgang (Jack Nance). Twenty-five years later, the child grows up to be Jonathan (Peter Liapis) and he inherits his father’s estate.

He decides to invite his girlfriend Rebecca (Lisa Pelikan, Jennifer) and friends to explore the mansion. They find an entire basement of occult books and supplies, so they decide to perform a ritual. You know, as you do. They leave when nothing happens but as soon as they walk away, a small creature shows up and before you know it, the ghost of Malcolm has taken over Jonathan and he’s unleashing several ghoulies and the dwarves Grizzel and Greedigut (Tamara De Treaux, who played one of the creatures in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark and was one of several actors who played E.T.).

As Malcolm begins to grow in power, all of their friends — Mike (Scott Thompson, Fast Times At Ridgemont High), Donna (Mariska Hargitay), Toad Boy (Ralph Seymour), Dick (Keith Joe Dick) and Eddie (David Dayan) — are all toast. Luckily, the man who saved him once before, Wolfgang, comes back and battles the evil sorcerer, everyone gets revived and they drive into the sunset with a ghoulie in the backseat.

Directed by Luca Bercovici (who also made Rockula for Cannon) and written by Jefery Levy, this was produced by Charles Band. It was actually started before Gremlins but there was a time when the production ran out of money, which is why it came out after. It was shot at the Wattles Mansion, near the park where Jim Wynorski shot The Lost Empire.

The real stars are the ghoulies, which were created by John Carl Buechler, who did effects for some of the coolest looking 80s and 90s horror films, including Prison, Dolls, The Eliminators and more. The ones that show up in this movie are fish ghoulie, cat ghoulie, rat ghoulie, flying ghoulie and clown doll ghoulie.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Jonathan Lynn directed Nuns on the Run, My Cousin Vinny and The Whole Nine Yards, as well as co-creating and co-writing  the television series Yes Minister. He also made Sgt. Bilko and I probably should forget to say that.

He also directed this movie, which he co-wrote this with John Landis, so he can do no wrong. That’s because whenever I’m down, this is the movie that gets me laughing.

You’ve played as Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull, a childhood superstar in my life), Mrs. White (Madeline Kahn, who explains every crush I ever had), Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan), Mr. Green (Michael McKean), Professor Plum (Christopher Lloyd) and Miss Scarlet (Lesley Anne Warren) before, but to see them come to life in a movie that has Lee Ving from FEAR as a dead body, Colleen Camp as a maid, Tim Curry as the butler and even my favorite Go-Go Jane Wiedlin as a singing telegram, well, this is what joy looks like.

How good is the set? Well, after the movie was done, it was bought by the producers of Dynasty and turned into The Carlton hotel. The rooms even connect exactly like the game.

I’m a sucker for the idea of movies with multiple endings. Other than the three endings here, the only other film I can think of that did it — which is all BS, William Castle never filmed the other ending — was Mr. Sardonicus.

George Pan Andreas — according to his IMDB bio — opened the West Coast Academy of Dramatic Arts (formerly the Pan Andreas Theatre) with Oscar winners Jack Lemmon, Richard Dreyfuss and Ginger Rogers (his godmother). He returned to film work in the early 2000s, forming his own production company, GPA Films International, which has produced films in which he starred: Crime Killer and The Matadors.

Pan Andreas was the director, writer, the editor, did stunts and was also the lead, Zeus, in this movie. Some of you may read that and wonder, “Can someone do all of those jobs and still make a good movie?” And others are salivating knowing that this is the kind of vanity project that delivers some majestic entertainment. You can become a real-estate developer and property owner with some money, but if you have dreams in Los Angeles, you can still make movies.

The film starts with a shootout where Zeus’ partner dies and tells him, “Don’t get soft.” No worries there. Isn’t Zeus the Crime Killer? Well, yes, he is, because he kills both of the perps and then the two crooked cops who come to try and clean things up.

The incident causes the LAPD to take our Greek hero’s badge and gun. Seeing as how horrible the LAPD was in 1987, we have to wonder if Zeus wasn’t stopping and frisking and beating enough black people into oblivion to stay on the force.

The CIA then drafts him and sends him on a mission to destroy drugs. He decides that he needs a bunch of other would-be crimefighters, so he calls in all of his old Vietnam buddies to study under a drill instructor whose sole note for the film were “be homophonic.” At the end, as he whips them into shape, they finally win his respect and he refuses to speak to them, only salute.

To add to the wild racism — or out of touch nature of the film — Zeus goes undercover as a Mexican gardener and, well, he can barely speak English much less do any Mexican accent that is not outright hilarity.

Let me sum up the rest. Drug dealers kill the President’s ex-wife! Every woman negs Zeus! Our hero and the President of the United States play with a watch that explodes! Back to that drill instructor sequence, it plays along with flashbacks of eating pig feces back in Vietnam! Every single cut is a jump cut! People talk over one another! Random sounds just bust into the movie! It all reads even more deranged than this every sentence ends with an exclamation mark paragraph!

This movie feels like it’s a send up of action movies yet it isn’t aware enough to be that and that’s what makes it so good. It has a blacksploitation theme song for a Greek hero, out of nowhere brutal death and presents a world where the leader of the free world just randomly hangs out with Greek supercops.

In now way could this movie be better than it is.

You can watch this on YouTube.