Between Pin, Cathy’s Curse and this film, what is it about Canadian families in horror films? Beneath a surface of politeness, is everyone this psychotic north of the border?

Julie (Isabelle Mejias, Scanners II: The New Order) just wants to play with her pet snake, hunt with her dad and, well, lie in bed with him. But when her mom takes away her snake, she just watches a delivery boy (Paul Hubbard, who played Flash Gordon in the deleted scenes in A Christmas Story) violate her and does nothing to save her life, even though she’s holding a gun. It’s a horrifying scene, as the man is shocked that he’s knocked the woman’s head so hard into the ground. He’s more upset than Julie when he sees the blood seeping out of the back of her brains. Julie just watches, fascinated yet removed.

Julie thinks she has her father (Anthony Franciosa, Tenebre) all to herself, but he soon finds a new wife, the alluring Susan (Sybil Danning!). She brings sex appeal and a stepson. And because she may have been dating daddy before mommy died, maybe Julie’s dad is taking advantage of the death she caused.

One thing he’s definitely taking advantage of is the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to Susan. He doesn’t know that his daughter is watching the entire time and enjoying things way too much, imagining herself in bed with her father! Ugh!

And it gets worse and worse, as Julie does things like lock her stepbrother in a refrigerator, nearly killing him, and then brings the rapist who killed her mother back to the house to take out her new mom in a blackmail plot. Yep, she even tells him, “You can rape her all you want!” It all adds up to an ending that totally shocked me that I don’t want to cheat you out of.

Yep. This is one rough little film, which makes sense when you realize it’s by the writer and director of Chained Heat, Paul Nicolas (that movie also has Danning in it, plus Linda Blair, Henry Silva, Tamara Dobson, John Vernon and Stella Stevens for a movie that transcends the WIP genre).

It’s not for everyone. But Mejias is great in it. And it’s the kind of movie that you are amazed that exists and even more astounded as it plays in your DVD player (or streams over YouTube).

This movie was nearly impossible to find until Code Red put it out on blu ray awhile back. The good people at Diabolik DVD have it right here. You can also watch it under its alternative title, Daughter of Death, on Amazon Prime.

The poster for this movie says: “WARNING: In this movie, you are the victim.” It’s factually correct, because if you were planning on being entertained, you’re out of luck. You’d be better off throwing $5 at the register and running out of your used video store than buying this DVD.

But really, Sam, why not tell us about the film first…

John Baxter (Tony Roberts, Annie Hall, Popcorn) is all about exposing psychic con artists, like James Randi with a white man afro. Along with his partner Melanie (Candy Clark, ex-wife of Marjoe Gortner and as well as acting in Cool as Ice, Q, 1988’s remake of The Blob and providing the voice of Stella Star in Starcrash) he busts up a special effects-aided seance at 112 Ocean Avenue (dum dum dum in Amityville!). The lady running the show spits right in his face and then, he decides to but the place after his real estate agent talks him into it. But guess what? Flies attack and kill that agent, turning him into a rotting corpse.

He buys the house anyway.

All manner of accidents befall John and Melanie. The worst one? Well, I guess that’d be when Melanie gets killed in a car wreck after seeing a demon’s face in a photograph and rushing to show John. But that dude just thinks it’s all a coincidence. Oh, John.

What would make things worse? What if John’s daughter Susan (Full House’s Lori Laughlin), her friend Lisa (Meg Ryan!) and their boyfriends play Ouija in the attic.? The game tells them that Captain Howdy just got a promotion to Admiral. Just kidding. The game informs Susan that her life is in danger, but she ignores it and dies in a boat accident. Her mom, Nancy, sees a vision of her walking up the stairs of the dock, but nope. She’s a goner.

John still thinks this is all make believe, even when his ex-wife thinks her daughter is still alive and he keeps having dreams about the old well in the basement. So he brings in Doctor Elliot West (Robert Joy, Desperately Seeking Susan) and his team, who succeed in getting the demons in the house to show up. Elliot asks for whatever in the well to reveal itself and bring Susan back to life, but in one of the few bright spots in the film, a demon leaps out — right at the viewer — and burns the doctors face and drags him to Hell. The house implodes and only a few of the team, Nancy and John escape. The well keeps glowing as we hit the credits.

Due to a lawsuit between the Lutz family (the original owners of the Amityville house) and Dino De Laurentiis, this is film does not refer to them at all and had to be listed as not a sequel to the original film. That said — the DeFeo family who lived in the house before the Lutz’s are referenced more than once. But hey — weren’t they called the Montelli family in Amityville II: The Possession? At least John is based on someone real —  Stephen Kaplan, who was investigating the film at the time of filming as he was sure that the Lutzes’ story was a hoax.

Look, you may enjoy this film. But after the complete and utter insanity that is the second film in the series, it feels like a step backward. But where can you really go after part 2? It’s a film that throws you down the steps and laughs at you.

For the first film of 2018, the only appropriate movie I can find is this 1983 Italian history of how the first two people on Earth created all of us. People have been making movies about The Bible for as long as people have been making movies. But nobody — and I mean nobody — has made one like this.

The pitch meeting went like this. Keep in mind, like all 1980’s pitch meetings, there was plenty of tasty cocaine.

“We want to make a movie all about Adam and Eve. You know, from the Bible. But can’t we all agree that the story would be much better if it was like Blue Lagoon? And had music like Endless Love?”

“Yes, we can. But who will play the first man? God’s most perfect earthbound creation?”

“Two words. Mark Gregory.”

“Trash from 1990: The Bronx Warriors?”

“Yep.”

“Here’s all the money I have. Please, let us celebrate with a bump bigger than your fist!”

Look — any movie that starts with stock footage of volcanoes to symbolize the creation of the world is going to get me excited. Throw in a landscape coming out of nowhere (George Miller from Mad Max fame is said to have directed some of these shots, uncredited), then have Adam burst forth from an amniotic sac (which is made from a burlap sack), then mope around until he makes a female out of sand.  And boom. This is the cocktail of movie-crazy that I drink like an alcoholic finally getting his hands on a bottle of cheap rotgut.

The sand woman disappears when God makes it rain, leaving behind a real woman, in a scene that has nothing to do with the real scene from The Bible. This is the definition of hubris — when you think your story is a better tale than The Greatest Story Ever Told. Also: Adam and Eve are white. Also: A fake Bee Gee’s song plays over the proceedings.

If you wonder, am I watching a ripoff of The Blue Lagoon? Good news. You are. And you’re watching one made by rip-off experts. Directors Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo made Blue Island just one year before this film.

Eve swims naked while Adam tickles a baby leopard in the same way that you or I would play with a housecat. And oh yeah — here come some flamingoes!

We’re 12 minutes into the film — and Eve has been in it for barely three minutes — when the snake in the Garden of Eden appears. Adam appears to tell her that the tree is forbidden, but Eve protests that she’s hungry. Adam gives her a plum instead. This is but the first time that a husband would try to solve a problem and fuck everything up as the result. Of course, she wants the apple. Nothing is good enough until she gets the apple. Come on, man.

While Adam and Eve are sleeping, a big lion comes over to them as ominous music plays. We get some day for night footage of the lion lying with them, because this is the Garden of Eden after all. A fact that is compounded with stock shots of more animals.

Eve then watches some stock footage of a lion raw dogging (raw lioning?) his mate and gets all into it.

Cut to a waterfall, where that pesky snake keeps offering the apple. And so the myth of women being responsible for all the wrong of the world begins. Adam gets there before she eats and he is not having it.

I just want to note — there is nothing like an Italian voice doing an impression of a snake.

Eve wants a more exciting life. Adam wants stuff to be exactly like it is. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I just want to sit on the couch and relax.

Eve bites into the apple and they have sex, because you know, sex is forbidden and wrong.

That synthesizer score? If I know my Italian movies, it means that shit is about to go wrong in a very bad way. Yes, the stock footage grows much darker and the winds pick up and it gets windy and our heroes get kicked out of the Garden.

BOOM! A volcano! You done fucked up now!

BOOM! A flood!

BOOM! Another volcano!

At this point, the film depicts God’s wrath as the boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark! What!?!

How about we follow that with an attack by a bird that looks like a cross between Rodan and the Devil that had sex with Kelly Curtis in The Sect? How about Adam and Eve hungrily devour its guts? This movie can and will deliver.

Adam and Eve are then taken by a gang of humping, chattering cavepeople who are obsessed with playing with Adam’s balls. He’s cool with it, but Eve is not pleased by having the women touch her. Luckily, a tiger comes along and chases everyone away.

Adam explores the countryside, watching green men and women bathe, while one of them kidnaps Eve. If you’re wondering, “Is this movie only going to be about Eve getting kidnapped?” Yes. It is.

One of the green men tears open a parakeet to remind us we’re watching an Italian movie and feeds Eve the meat inside it. Two of the women of the tribe begin to paint Eve green, but the main green man prevents this. He takes Eve to a waterfall and mounts her on the shore.

Adam comes upon Eve lying with her new man and he seems rather, well, Mark Gregory really doesn’t do emotions all that well. He seems somewhat peeved more than angry.

A hairer tribe attacks the green tribe and it’s a war of the cavemen! Of course, the hairy tribe is all cannibals, so we get some of that action. And now the green man is completely washed. Why didn’t they show this movie in my Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classes?

After a giant battle, the green man battles a giant bear, perhaps the fakest of all bears, while Adam and Eve sit and watch. Adam finally steps to the green man and they battle. The first spot? The green man does a jumping hug, getting his balls all over Adam. It looks less like a battle and more like sex until the green man raises a rock above his head and attempts to smash out Adam’s brains. Eve stops him and she and the green man leave hand in hand. But Eve misses Adam, so she calls to him. The green man lets her go, which only proves that the first human was pretty much a giant loser and the cavemen who weren’t divinely made were much nobler. Oh, and that bear? They cut his fur off and makes clothes out of it.

That fake “Endless Love” song plays again and Adam and Eve decide that enough is enough. It’s time to get nude on the bearskin and made awkward love. Seriously, this is 6th grade make out in the closet at a party level making out.

Just to remind us that we’re watching an Italian film, here’s some B roll of an elk being eaten by cheetahs.

Adam and Eve also argue a lot, as she wants to prove she can do things. Then, you know, she’ll just fall down in the snow. Or eat berries and fall asleep.

They then try and go through a cave, only to face off with some wolves. I remember when I was a kid, we had a Catholic school newspaper and there was a space story that was published every week. I was so excited about it until I shared it with my mother, who pointed out that whenever danger happened, the women would go clean and make dinner while the men dealt with whatever happened. That’s always stayed with me as an example of poor storytelling and lazy sexism. That’s pretty much this film, except whenever danger occurs, Eve cries.

Our heroes then walk across a frozen landscape that really adds some production value to the film as Eve discusses her lack of faith. Eve — you’ve actually met God. And you have no faith? What hope do I have?

The ice storm passes and our heroes become part of a tribe, learning how to trade things and get along with others. Where did all of these people come from? I’ve often asked that question and never been given a good answer. I consulted bible.org with the question, “Was the world populated through incest or did God create others besides Adam and Eve?” Here’s what I learned: “As to incest, it was not considered a sin and was not prohibited for Adam and early man. If the race was to populate and fulfill the command of Gen. 1:28, there is little doubt that Adam’s sons and daughters had to have married their own sisters and brothers if the race was to populate the earth, but due to the purity of the race as evidenced also by the long length of life, there were no adverse effects as we see happening today. Gradually, as the effects of sin took its toll on the human race, marrying one’s own sister, etc., began to create hereditary problems.” So there’s that.

And jamesbishopblog.com posits that “The Bible itself implies that God did create other people alongside and before Adam & Eve.” And “Adam & Eve were not the first humans God by created, or the only humans to exist at that time.” That leads me to a hypothesis. Those dudes saw this movie.

That fake “Endless Love” comes back as Eve has her baby in the ocean and Adam holds up his son. Roll the credits.

Umm, wow. Adam and Eve versus the Cannibals has raised more questions than answers. I don’t really know who this movie is for. Biblically minded folks will be put off by its sleaze factor. People hoping for a straight up cannibal movie will be disappointed. And it never lives up to the insane promise of its title. That said, you should probably experience it, if you can find it. It’s something, let me tell you that much.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

In Italy, Trading Places is shown on TV every Christmas Eve, becoming a classic everyone can love. Here, it’s not remembered as a holiday film. Yet it is — a parable about how much money really matters within a week or so of time within the lives of two very different men.

Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) has the benefits of a great upbringing and Ivy League education. Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is street smart from the wrong side of the tracks.

The Duke brothers, Randolph and Mortimer (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche), come from old money and have been on the stock exchange since it opened. They debate nature versus nurture and decide to switch the social roles of our two protagonists and bet on the results.

In less time than you’d expect, Valentine has easily accepted the upper crust lifestyle while showing class and manners that Louis lacked. And the richer of our heroes descends into petty theft and alcoholism — again all in the span of several hours. He also discovers what love is all about from Jamie Lee Curtis’ character Ophelia. And Denholm Elliot’s character, Coleman, goes from butler to accomplice to friend.

Along the way, the film has plenty of great character roles, too. Paul Gleason continues his career-long mastery of playing complete dicks. Jim Belushi shoes up at a party, Jamie Lee’s sister Kelly (who is also is Michele Soavi’s The Sect) shows up, as does Frank Oz, Bo Diddley and Al Franken, years before he’d go into politics and take inappropriate photos.

The leads work so well together that you wish they’d made several films together. It’s a natural, breezy film, one that continues to deliver on its basic premise. This movie is a success on every level, with Roger Ebert favorably comparing it to comedies of Frank Capra and Preston Sturges. The only misstep it takes is in the backward 1980’s usage of homophobic slurs — they really take you out of the film.

Captain Invincible helped win World War 2 but couldn’t survive the McCarthy hearings. Angry that his country turned its back on him, he moved to Australia and became a drunk. Thirty years later, Mr. Midnight, his greatest villain, comes back and steals the hypno ray. The U.S. government now needs the Captain back. But is he even interested?

Directed by Philippe Mora (Mad Dog Morgan, The Beast Within, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf), this Australian superhero comedy musical is a lost film. It never played in U.S. theaters due to Jensen Farley Pictures (who also distributed Chained Heat, Curtains, The Boogens and more) going out of business, but it was released on video. It also bombed really badly in Australia, so it’s not a film that anyone thinks about.

It’s a strange bird, a mix of pathos at times (the idea of superheroes being forced to retire because of the McCarthy hearings was first done in 1979’s JSA stories in Adventure Comics and 1985’s America vs. the Justice Society) and musical scenes, featuring three songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show team of Richard O’Brien and Richard Hartley,

Starring Alan Arkin as the Captain and Christopher Lee as Mr. Midnight, the film really explores how a superhero would have to relearn his powers after decades of alcohol abuse, as well as how a supervillain would really operate in the modern world. It was written by Andrew Gaty, Peter Smalley (Dead End Drive-In) and Steven de Souza (Commando, Bad Dreams, Die Hard, Hudson Hawk, 48 Hours and many more).

The black and white sequences were my favorite parts of the film, showing how Captain Invincible gave up being a hero and how he got his powers. The music is pretty interesting, particularly Lee’s explanation of how there was evil before there was humanity. Also, I love Mr. Midnight’s sidekick, Julius, who looks like a naked human horse person.

Also of note, there’s a scene where vacuum cleaners attack our hero. The scene made so little sense, the original pick for Captain Invincible, James Coburn (Derek Flint from In Like Flint and Our Man Flint) dropped out of the movie!

I discovered this film via Not Quite Hollywood! and Ozploitation Trailer Explosion, which you can get from the good folks at Severin Films.

I feel sad as I begin the final chapter of Yor’s World. It was as if I found a sequel to a movie that’s 34 years old, another part of the story that I never thought I would see. I put it off for some time. But now, I must return to the time of future past and see my hero off to the end of his journey.

Yor wastes no time when a stormtrooper-like robot finds him. “Research unit six calling team leader,” it says. Yor responds by knocking its head off. But taking on a whole bunch of robots? One blue beam later and Yor’s out.

Meanwhile, Pag and Kala wash ashore. A robot sends a message, “Supreme leader, the other two foreign elements are in sector 1-6. We await your orders.” The hooded leader known as Overlord (John Steiner from Salon Kitty, Beyond the Door II and Caligula) watches on his crystal ball , then demands that they be captured as well. As more and more of the troopers land on the beach (their costumes, as well as Overlord’s, were leftover’s from 1979’s The Humanoid, a film that Antonio Margheriti created the FX for), a mysterious blonde man tells Pag and Kala to come with him.

A bunch of scientists place our hero in a tube and start probing him with a bright light. Beeps and boops and 808 sampler sounds play before Enna, a scientist, tells Yor that he has found the place that he has been searching for. This is where his parents are from and where he spent his childhood.

Yor demands to be untied, but Enna can only undo his hands. Only the supreme leader can free him. Turns out that Yor’s medallion has revealed a lot of information. His real name is Galahad, the only son of the rebel named Asgard. The ship that took his family into exile was destroyed. How he survived and who raised him is a mystery.

The Overlord gloats, saying that he’ll allow the moron to know all the secrets of his origin, but that the “kid” is the missing link he has been looking for to complete his genetic engineering theory. Finally, he has the “occasion to exercise his magnitude.”

Enna shows Yor some home movies where we see baby Yor! She shows him the last three chapters of his life, as clips of the film play on her viewscreen. He sees Roa again, who he refers to as “the sweetest moment of my life and the bitterest.” Didn’t we just see a recap at the beginning of this episode? This is padding of the highest order.

The good news is that Yor has learned that Pag and Kala have survived. But now, he has to talk to Overlord, who frees him from the table and tells him, “You’ll learn to know me,” which is a translation that sends me goofballs with joy. He reveals that he was the one who destroyed the village and whoever goes against him or disobeys his orders will be destroyed. In fact, he has already decided to destroy Kala.

Yor just walks away — security isn’t very tight. The Overlord looks pleased at this turn of events as he disappears to watch Yor on his crystal ball. His base looks like a big steel mill crossed with the kind of place the Eloi would live in. A blind scientist appears and tells them that if the Overlord keeps going, he will repeat the history of the world — he will do wrong.

Enna asks how they’ve survived in a world filled with radioactivity. Pag tells her that it’s a beautiful world filled with danger. Pag discusses the androids with the future people, but Kala disappears. Everyone in this scene is dressed like a Jack Kirby character come to life.

Kala wanders the base in search of Yor as the Overlord laughs, watching from afar and playing theremin. They get trapped in a hall of mirrors, able to see one another but not touch. Finally, they embrace and kiss as the Overlord keeps watch.

The Overlord finds them, explaining how radiation sickness has kept his people from repopulating, but they have radiation sickness. That’s why he is replacing them with robots, so that he can build an army that will rid the world of the barbarians.

Yor asks him, if he rules a world of puppets, what is his purpose in life? The Overlord answers: To be a bringer of death. And also life. He wants Yor and Kala to create a new race of androids. But first, he must work on Yor’s brain, to eliminate every unjust thought. And once he has impregnated Kala, he will die.

The future people and Pag arrive to save our heroic couple. The Overlord rallies his troops, telling them to kill everyone. The good guys decide to activate an atomic bomb and wipe out the base, then start over again in Yor’s world. What follows is pure awesome — a barbarian with a laser gun. You honestly cannot get better than that. The movie tries, though, as Yor swings across the nuclear reactor like he’s Luke Skywalker. Even Pag gets in on the action, swinging across like a trapeze artist to save Yor as they set the bomb to go off.

The old blind leader tells the Overlord that he has lost, that they are disabling the base floor by floor. Yor yells for Pag to shoot him, but Enna says that the Overlord is only a shadow or illusion. Yor says fuck it and tries, but his laser has no effect on the final boss. Even impaling the guy with a candy cane colored pole hardly slows him down.

The blind man tells Overlord that only Yor represents the future before shutting down the army of clones. Nearly all of the future men die — one even tells Pag to not let Enna sacrifice herself — as the base begins to self destruct,. Yor does some insane spin kick and press slam kung fu on a robot and Pag adopts to using a laser gun really well for a caveman. He nearly is killed but the final robots are deactivated at the last minute.

Our heroes all board a spaceship, where the old blind man hopes that Yor can build a new planet based on love and understanding, because God forgives us. With that, everything blows up real good and Yor flies away.

The narrator tells us, “Yor returns to the primitive tribes on earth, determined to use this new technology to realize true progress and to prevent a new atomic holocaust for future generations.”

The future is not left up in the air, like in the U.S. version. Yor is going to make everything alright.

Like I said…I’m sad to say goodbye to Yor, Pag and Kala. But good news. I have one more bit of Yor awesomeness to share, so come back tomorrow!

When we last left our friend Yor, he had decimated another group of people, found someone who had the same past as him and pissed off his girlfriend. Oh Yor, we can all identify with you, so we follow you in your journey as you try to figure out what the heck is going on.

Pag starts off part three by telling Yor that Kala is his woman, but he can have other women if he wants. Even Yor is like, wait, what? Yes, even in the past — OR IS IT THE FUTURE — it’s a man’s world. Warriors need to have as many children as they can to build a stronger tribe. Go ahead, tell that to Kala, who is super jealous. Luckily, Yor lets her help him float his boat — don’t read that wrong — as they’re now one big tribe. Well, they were until someone — YOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU — let the raft float away. Pag and Kala are quite pleased that Kala was the one to save the day. Seriously, all is peaceful in the little tribe now, but when you have two women who only want to enjoy Yor’s choice meats, there’s going to be a battle.

Also, the until now never heard love theme version of Yor’s theme is making me want to pick up cars and hurl them into the sun. It’s that inspiring.

Pag decides to shoot a dinosaur, which is really an armadillo. They decide to cook it while Yor goes to get aromatic herbs for the roast — yes, this is real dialogue — and Roa follows him. They play with their necklaces for a bit while Kala cries. Pag tells her that she will drive him away with her jealousy, but she claims that the smoke got in her eyes.

Roa tells Yor that she belongs to him and that she’s never felt so passionate about a man before. Yor tells her that she’s beautiful and they kiss in front of a waterfall. Pag reminds Kala that under the law of their tribe, Kala can’t get upset. But she replies that Roa could take him away forever.

We catch up to the happy couple making out, discussing if this is a dream or not. As Yor runs back to the camp, Kala confronts Roa, telling her that only one of them can belong to Yor and that one of them must die. She attacks with a knife and we’re treated to some test of strength battling. But oh fuck — the blue-skinned cavemen, led by Ukan, are back!

Yor battles back against the odds and finally gets his one on one battle with Ukan. Meanwhile, Roa does what she does in every battle — get hit right in the head with a blunt object. After a battle to the death, Yor smashes Ukan’s head with a rock several times until he falls into the river. We follow his body long enough down the current to realize that he is truly dead.

But for every measure of happiness in Yor’s World, there is also sadness. Roa is dying, but not before she tells him of a floating island with a wonderful castle — which is where they come from. She asks Yor not to forget her — and to give her medallion to Kala. It is the symbol of their world and if she wears it, she will be accepted by their people. She asks for one more kiss and then dies.

They bury her under a little Stonehenge, while Kala tells Yor that Roa was a better person than her. Pag, ever the realist, reminds Yor that life is not a dream and must go on.

They finally make their way to the ocean, where Yor has to explain that you can’t drink salt water before stretching out Burt Reynolds style on the beach and taking a nap. Pag does some spearfishing and grills up some fish. Just before Yor bites in, we hear a scream. Yep — another dinosaur is doing some dinosaur business, trying to eat some villagers. Our little tribe makes short order of the beast and Kala offers Yor some blood, to which he refuses. Why? I have no idea either — he just laughs it off. Kala is like, I’ve only seen you kill one other dinosaur, so come on, this is a simple mistake. You don’t have to laugh at me for trying to follow logic in a story that defies all logic. Also, everything I’ve written after the phrase “he refuses” is inside my head.

The villagers that Yor saved bring him to meet the rest of their people. Pag notices that guards are watching the skies. One of the villagers asks where Yor’s other wives and children are. Kai, the leader of the village, explains that the sun is their god and offers his daughter, Tanita, to Yor, who responds that he already has a woman. Yor’s learned a life lesson — never upset your wife or she’ll stab other women.

Kai explains how a god came from the sky and killed some of his men. The god had skin that shone like the sun — like Yor’s medallion. They approached the god peacefully, but he murdered one of the tribesmen with fire. They attacked him with clubs and forced him back into his own flames, which killed him. All that was left was some of his clothing.

Everyone noshes on some leaves filled with meat while the kids take You and Kala into a big maze. The girls gather around a little bubbling cauldron, yelling his name and giggling. Kala is afraid, but Yor reminds her that they are just children. One of the girls unites Yor and Kala forever, promising that nothing will separate them. This explains why Yor and Kala aren’t there in the shorter film when the future men attack. As for Pag, he was investigating the god’s clothing and heard a voice warning of the attack.

Fire falls from the skies as the village is destroyed. Yor wants to help, but Pag tells him that if they don’t leave now, they’ll all die. Pag shows him the piece of clothing — damn talking box — that warned him. Yor pledges to get revenge for Kai and his people. Our heroes wander the grounds, telling the rest of the people that his destiny is not here. He asks them to rebuild the village and to find happiness.

Tanita tells Yor of a mysterious island and offers her father’s boat to him. The boat is hidden by fake walls, but not far. Sad waves are exchanged and our brave heroes are off on another quest, leaving behind death and destruction in their wake.

They’re not thirty seconds into their trip before the boat starts taking in water and they get caught in a storm. Yor is swept off the boat and the ship, now with only Pag and Kala on it, wrecks into the rocks. Blackness fills the screen.

Yor wakes up alone on an island, unsure of where he or his tribe is. He yells Kala’s name into the unanswering sea.

Meanwhile, we see a hooded man watching him from afar. They must analyze his card. A stormtrooper looking black-clad man walks into the light as part three comes to a close.

Whew! Watching these in longer parts really amps up the drama — even if I know where the story is going. And if you love Yor as much as me — let’s be honest, no one does — then I bet you can’t wait for the conclusion!

The movie that we know and some of us love as Yor Hunter from the Future originated as an Italian miniseries. I’ve scored that piece of grade Z cinema treasure and am diving headfirst into all of the magic that it can produce.

After a short recap, we return to the cave of the blue, well, cavemen. They’re bringing out the women one at a time and fighting over them. What a life — drinking out of giant coolers, eating giant slabs of the choice meats and beating people up for scantily clad cavewomen whilst beating your chest. As the cavemen battle for the favor of Kala (now written out as Calla, Ka-Laa and Ca-Laa in the subtitles), Yor uses a giant bat to make the save (not before Kala is slapped around, though).

As they run through the caverns, Yor hits a blue caveman directly in the face with his stone axe. Rather than a violent demise, the blue skin comically sells the move like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. One almost expects small birds to fly around his head as he staggers.

Yor and Kala find a giant room of bones, all sacrifices to a large idol. With his medallion and woman back, Yor floods the cave. Flying in the face of the budget, the flood is pretty spectacular, with cave people extras flying all over the place and the water getting perilously close to the camera. Finally, Pag, Yor and Kala are all reunited. Of course,  there’s still the question of Yor wiping out the rest of Pag and Kala’s people. That said — maybe the skeletons are supposed to be them and Yor isn’t the screw up his American edit has led us to believe.

Ukan is defeated. And, unbeknownst to me the first time I watched Yor, there’s a strange tie between him and Yor. Aytekin Akkaya, the actor who plays Ukan, played Captain America in 1973’s Three Giant Men. This Turkish love letter to copyright law is all about Spider-Man, here an evil mastermind in a green version of his suit who loves to kill people with outboard boat motors, battling El Santo and Cap. And as we all know, Yor himself, Reb Brown, played Cap in two TV movies. The fact that I have put this together should either amaze you or make you fear me.

Searching for food — perhaps wild boar — Yor discovers some pumpkins. If you ever want to pick out one sentence from this site to use out of context, perhaps that last sentence is it. Yor’s quest for food leads him right to Kala and they share another kiss. Soon, they find two skeletons of large dinosaurs, which Yor finds strange. He also knows how to measure mileage, referring to kilometers, which seems anachronistic.

They happen upon a cave filled with weapons and furs, which seems awfully convenient as things grow colder. That said — they’re heading off to a desert, so perhaps a full-length mink isn’t the fashion to be sporting.

Pag explains to Kala the eternal mystery and conundrum of loving Yor — you must allow him to find the secret to his past, even though it may cost you his love in the long run.

Pag warns Yor that where he wants to go, “This is the land of the sick. The people of the desert live here, they worship the god of fire. They say they perform magic rituals and have supernatural powers.” Kala throws in that, “The law of the dead governs this land.” There’s a woman who looks like Yor that he needs to find, which is driving Kala nuts. He answers her fears by frenching her, because as his theme song will tell you, “Yor is the man.”

If you’re a fan of movies where folks aimlessly walk through the desert, the next five minutes of this film are for you.

Yor finds some stock footage of a volcano and dry ice, which can only mean he’s reached his destination. I say that and then we spend five more minutes watching him run through the desert while triumphant music plays. Finally, Yor starts yelling for the queen and is confronted by some black metal album cover looking trees and mummies who are covered in dust and carrying sticks of fire. So, being the hero that we all know him to be, Yor starts hopping and running.

Kala had a dream about this — Yor surrounded by fire and all alone. This scene looks incredibly dangerous to shoot, with real fire being thrown right at Reb Brown, who obviously did all of his own stunts. Dudes are just running full speed down a mountain carrying flaming sticks, which seems like the most insane thing to do. The army of Dengars throws a net on Yor, but then we hear the voice of the queen, who demands that the men bring Yor to her.

Yor finds himself in a huge cave with large people trapped in ice. The mummies tie him up as the queen rises. She has blonde hair like Yor and the same medallion. The queen can’t answer how she got there, but that she arrived with the men trapped in ice. As the ice melts, it gives water to the people and they worship her like a divine being. The ice trapped men, the queen and Yor all wear the same medallion. What does it mean? Are they from the same tribe? The same race? The answers will have to wait as a mummy with a flaming sword comes in and they show an altar covered with blood. The queen doesn’t want them to kill Yor, but she has no choice. It’s between him and her. Yor’s cool about the whole thing — it doesn’t matter to him as long as she lives and her children keep their race alive.

Turns out that the very land that these people live on is poisoning them. To try and gain the favor of the gods, they kill everyone that enters their land. Yor sees through this, knowing that this won’t change anything. The queen is even more pragmatic. She doesn’t want to change their beliefs or customs, just allow them to survive.

We find out the queen’s name is Roa. Yor tells her that he’s looked everywhere for her. He tells her that she can either let him die or run away with him. She answers him by, well, she doesn’t answer him. She just kneels and prays. I’ve been there, Yor. You ask a simple question and you don’t even get anything remotely close to an answer.

Pag and Kala have been tracking Yor, but their camp has been overrun by spiders. They run to find Yor, to a place not fit for people or animals. Though they promised not to follow him, Kala wants to go to Yor.

Roa still hasn’t made up her mind when a bunch of dudes who look like Morris Bush on a star destroyer show back up to sacrifice Yor. He ain’t having it — swinging a burning sword at them n majestic slow motion. Roa begs him that it’s enough and that he should stop, but she doesn’t know Yor like we know Yor. Our boy has to wipe out an entire cave of people at least once a day. He sets a mummy ablaze and it lands in what we thought was just water. Nope. It’s gasoline, sending the entire cave up in flames.

There were some ballsy stuntmen making this movie, dudes unafraid to be set on fire with only some rags to protect them. If I had a beer — I’m writing this at 7 AM on a Sunday, why am I not drinking a beer — I’d toast them. No pun intended.

A stalactite falls and knocks out Roa as the cave starts to fall apart. Yor loses his sword but uses a high kick and another stalactite to impale a mummy. Yor also throws a flaming stick in a 3D shot that flies into a mummy, a cool little camera trick.

Yor emerges from the cave carrying Roa just as Pag and Kala arrive. Kala instantly looks upset, Roa wakes up and looks lovingly into Yor’s eyes and Yor just looks at the camera waiting for a wacky sitcom sound cue. Kala is having none of this.

That’s how part 2 ends…on a cliffhanger based on love, not action. What happens next? Well, I already know. I mean, I’ve seen Yor Hunter from the Future way too many times. But I’m still coming back for part 3. Here’s hoping I see you on the other side.

I can hear you now — “Sam, you’ve already reviewed Yor Hunter from the Future.” Or said something like, “Sam, you’ve cornered me at a party and talked to me for an hour about this stupid Italian-Turkish co-production about a barbarian in the future with the 70’s Captain America in it and I just can’t take any more.” To this I say, “Too bad.”

That’s because I’ve achieved one of my Holy Grails — I hold in my sweaty hands the uncut 4 hour Italian TV version of Yor’s World. It’s impossible to find. Well, nit that impossible. I found it. But it has taken me years. Now, I will pass the magic off to you.

The transfer on this DVD is blobby and washed out and nothing pleases me more. The first strain of Oliver Onions’ “Yor’s World” theme starts to play and I catch the goofy grin of Yor as he just runs like a goof down a mountain and all of the stress of the week just melts away, like Calgon soap water draining from my tub.

Then, Yor’s World becomes a demented mondo travelogue, telling us of the indigenous people of the past. Or the future. Or whenever the fuck this is:

“In the time in which our story begins, nature, with her laws, dominates the earth in opposition. Nomad tribes run from one continent to another searching for food or to escape the numerous dangers that threaten their survival. They live, essentially hunting and fishing, nourishing themselves with berries and roots. When they reach hospitable areas, in close proximity to rivers, where the forest offers better opportunities to find food. They are, however, more predisposed to attacks from ferocious predators. And, following their victims, they multiply in the same places. So they try to organize their settlements with the possibility of defending themselves from those dangerous incursions. They build homes that are more comfortable than caves and less precarious than the first huts. They learn to light fire and preserve it with large coals. New horizons open for some of these tribes. The sense of precariousness that was at the foundations of their existence, slowly, almost miraculously. But it’s only the beginning…And thanks to the marvelous gifts of intelligence, they will become masters of the world. They still have too many enemies who will always threaten their existence, ignoring the teachings of history.”

While this long intro is read, we see the cave people cooking, cleaning, eating and reminding us that this is an Italian movie, so a real animal must be cleaned for our viewing displeasure. The same sequence of the children being held to the sky from Yor Hunter from the Future happens, followed by Kala and Pag hunting in the jungle.

As they play around with a small dinosaur, a larger one attacks. Yor comes to their rescue, flashing a knowing smile at Kala before going into battle. The fight seems to last a lot longer — and we see more of Yor’s ass — than I remember.

Yor’s fighting style can best be described as, “Yeah, I can jump and tumble over that.” Think Captain Kirk with a loin cloth. Finally, with a mighty yell and a slice of his axe, Yor is sipping blood out of the dino’s head. The dialogue here is word for word the same as the original movie — I had always imagined that they were saying much deeper things than the English translation.

What’s missing? My favorite line in all of Yor! “Help me cut the choice meats.” My sadness is palpable.

We head to the village of the cave people — look, I know I reviewed this movie before, but I’m reveling in the joy of getting more Yor, so you have to deal with my mania. Yor yells “HA!” so many times at the dancing girls that Kala gets upset and twerks just for him. They bring him a drink that keeps sadness away that has honey in it, which seems pretty cool of them. It causes our hero to burp, which everyone seems to get a huge kick out of.

Up in the hills, a lone sentry is attacked by a hairier caveman, who demands, “Kill them all.” They make their way to the encampment, choking out everyone who gets in their way while watching the women dance. Yor also reveals that his elders once told him. “You’re the son of fire that’s fallen from the sky.”

NOTE: I always thought that the heroine’s name was Kala, but the translation on this DVD calls her Ka-Laa.

The blue skin cavemen attack and Yor valiantly fights, even using fire to help himself, while also jumping all over the place like some kind of maniac. The leader of the blue skins wants him alive and demands that his men follow Yor and his friends.  Thanks to some subterfuge — and tearing off some of Kala’s clothes — our heroes make their escape as the blue cavemen are caught in quicksand.

Escaping into the cave where Yor spent most of his childhood, he and Kala discuss how he has no idea who he is — a god or mortal. Meanwhile, Pag heads off to the village, where he sees the elder die, but not before he tells him that he had a vision of Yor on an island. The blue cavemen start to hunt Pag down before he hides in a volcano. The scene is a nice mix of Bava-esque lighting and B-roll volcano footage with some decent set design, feeling a lot more expansive than the small budget would suggest.

In a scene that is not in the U.S. version, Yor and Kala are then attacked by a swamp monster that has one giant eye and plenty of tentacles. Yor’s axe comes in handy here, as he chops off every one of them with terrific sprays of good old fashioned Italian horrorshow blood. After the defeat of the creature, Yor and Kala embrace and kiss — also missing from the film!

Pag hides in the hills as Ukan, the leader of the blue cavemen screams at his men for allowing an old man, a woman and one man to defeat them. Pag sees Yor and Kala returning to find him, just as they are attacked by the blue skins. This helps fix an issue I’ve always had with Yor Hunter from the Future. Yor seems to lose almost every fight he’s in. It seems to be whomever edited the film I know cut out all of the wins and just showed the times he’s screwed up. I mean, he still screws up a lot, but the percentages are different now. I mean, Yor is still going to get tossed off a cliff. But he’s going to get some enhancement talent wins against swamp monsters along the way.

Ukan’s men toss Yor off that cliff — see, I told you it was coming — as the leader takes his medallion and Kala. Pag tries to save him but fails as our hero gets tossed down the hillside. Now, it’s time to climb back up and reunite with Pag.

Pag tells him that the law states that Kala belongs to Ukan. Yor exclaims that he doesn’t recognize the law and roll credits! We have our first episode of Yor’s World in the books!

I cannot tell you how excited I am by this film. I may have already yelled a ton of lines at the screen and have been reading all the subtitles aloud! YOR IS THE MAN ALL OVER AGAIN!

Lucio Fulci is a divisive figure: either you worship every movie the man ever made or lent his name to — ignoring continuity errors, bad dubbing, dealing with multiple cuts and names of his films, all while explaining away ridiculous moments like a man patiently waiting for spiders to slowly eat his fake face — and mention how much his surrealist approach points to him as more auteur than simple director. Or you think he’s a hack, making the same movie again and again — woman hating paeans to gore, decimated eyeballs, slow motion zombies, gore, glacial plots and oh yes, more gore. I’m not going to change your mind, but I will say that I tend to be more in the “Fulci lives!” t-shirt wearing army that owns multiple versions of his films and can (and will) talk your ear off about how awesome The Beyond is.

This article isn’t about any of that.

Beyond mediations on the witches that really run the world and zombies treating humanity as a never-ending buffet, my love of Italian horror — nay, Italian exploitation film — rests on its ability to shamelessly rip off other films. According to the liner notes of the 2010 DVD reissue of Zombie 2, Italian copyright law allows any film to be marketed as a sequel to another work. Therefore, any major trend in horror or sci-fi will be answered by an insane amount of spaghetti remakes. Most of these films would be a splinter into the eye of a normal person (Olga Karlatos, eat your heart out). But these celluloid copycats are my bread and butter. I blame a childhood of waiting for more Star Wars and being “rewarded” with Starcrash (part of the greatest double drive-in bill I’ve ever seen with Battle Beyond the Stars), a movie that I endlessly daydreamed about when I really should have been paying attention in grade school.

To wit: 1982’s Conan the Barbarian was a huge hit worldwide to the tune of nearly $69 million dollars, leading to a horde of Italian imitators: Joe D’Amoto’s Ator, the Fighting Eagle; Umberto Lenzi’s Iron Master; Antonio Margheriti’s Yor, the Hunter from the Future (you just knew I was going to bring up Yor and his fine meats, right?) and so many more, as well as American cousins such as Albert Pyun’s The Sword and the Sorcerer (starring Lee Horsely of TV’s Matt Houston) and Phantasm creator Don Coscarelli’s The Beastmaster. That’s but a sprinkle of the veritable ocean of barbarian rip-offs out there that you could dip your toe into. But we’re here to talk Fulci’s take on the whole sword and loincloth subgenre.

Conquest comes at a crossroads in Fulci’s life. After six years of working with screenwriter Dardano Sacchetti — a collaboration that led to the golden (err, red is a better color to use here) era of his films, like Zombie 2, City of the Living Dead, The Beyond, The New York Ripper, Manhattan Baby and The House by the Cemetery, a murder’s row of, well, movies about murder — Fulci unexpectedly went off on his own to create this film. For some reason, it was believed that this would be a big budget production and Sacchetti felt betrayed (their relationship would worsen with lawsuits and recriminations forever dividing them). The failure of Conquest would hasten not only the decline of Fulci’s career, which would see him lending his name to films that he hadn’t even worked on (the jury is out, but it seems for all intents and purposes he was a bloody version of Dali, willy nilly signing his name onto any project that’d float him some cash) and facing worsening health.

Perhaps Fulci was battling the criticism that his films were becoming repetitive. Maybe he saw the film as his chance at the big time, as one of the reasons why this was funded was to push Mexican matinee idol Jorge Rivero to be a bigger star. Perhaps he wanted to try something different.

Keep in mind that while the rest of the world had just woken up to the potential of sword and sorcery films, the Italians had been cooking up these films for years — witness the myriad Hercules films. And even when blatantly ripping off a film, like Dawn of the Dead insta-sequel Zombie 2, Fulci will subvert expectations and make something perhaps even more watchable. And strange. And often, a movie that makes little or no sense if you’re looking for a traditional narrative structure. In an interview with Starburst in 1982, Fulci said of The Beyond, “It’s a plotless film: a house, people, and dead men coming from The Beyond. There’s no logic to it, just a succession of images. People who blame The Beyond for its lack of story have not understood that it’s a film of images, which must be received without any reflection. They say it is very difficult to interpret such a film, but it is very easy to interpret a film with threads: any idiot can understand Molinaro’s La Cage aux Folles, or even Carpenter’s Escape from New York, while The Beyond or Argento’s Inferno are absolute films.”

Fulci’s films increasingly betrayed a similarity to avant-garde playwright Antonin Artaud and his Theater of Cruelty. An offshoot of the surrealist movement — later taken further by Luis Buñuel and the Panic Movement collective of Fernando Arrabal, Alejandro Jodorowsky and Roland Topor — this style of theater seeks to assault the audience’s senses, freeing their subconscious to feel emotions that it has left unexpressed. Relatedly, this means that the action on screen doesn’t have to follow any set narrative flow, just be shocking.

Again — depending on your Fulci POV — this can be seen as devotion to higher art or wretched excess making up for lack of talent.

What happens when you pour all of these elements, including a potential big budget reimagining/legally protected sequel to a film (that it is blatantly stealing from) made by a director that constantly challenges not only the genre of film he is making but often the reality that his audience experiences it within — and unleash it onto the screen? Glad you asked.

Conquest is either the worst film you’ve ever watched or a batshit insane descent into mythical archetypes. There can be no middle ground.

We open on a double projection as figures appear from nowhere. Our hero, Ilias, is starting the hero’s journey, which begins with leaving behind the life and family he knows and embracing the unknown. A god, Chronos, gives him a magic bow to announce that Ilias has become a man and the credits kick in.

Your first reminder that this is a true Fulci film arrives abruptly — werewolf-like monsters attack a village and tear a woman in half. In any other film, this would be off camera or in shadow, but here, we see limbs severed, arterial sprays of blood and a torn off head being cut open so that our villain, Ocron, can sip from the brains and have a vision. Have I mentioned that Ocron is nude the entire movie, save for panties and a sexy Destro-style mask?

In her vision, she learns that a man with a magical bow will rise up and destroy her, ala Herod in the Bible being warned of Jesus’ coming or Cronus eating all of his children so that they wouldn’t kill him. Her werewolves attack Ilius, who barely puts up a fight, before being saved by Mace.

Mace is pretty much the most awesome barbarian hero of all time — he has concrete nunchuks, long hair, wears animal skins, can speak to animals like Marc Singer and has the mark of Eibon from The Beyond on his forehead. He takes Ilius along on a quest, which mainly consists of walking, fighting werewolves, walking, shooting old men who are carrying goats, getting laid by cave women who dress like Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bear three years before that movie came out, getting their asses kicked, more walking and strong, manly handshakes. Oh yeah — there’s also a sexy eating scene that seems really close to Tom Jones, but everyone is either a cave person, a barbarian or dressing like Perseus.

This is that kind of film — like playing with a child who may be insane and doesn’t care that all of the toys that he is playing with are different scales and sizes, so He-Man can be friends with Snake Eyes and they can all pick up and carry Hot Wheels while a train set almost hits everyone. Movie after movie is tossed into the mix — Quest for Fire, Fulci’s zombie oeuvre, Clash of the Titans — until you’re left with a movie that just seems to jump cut from scene to scene, all with another insane idea around the bend.

Arrows that can turn into lightning and blast all around the screen? Check.

Mace battling a duplicate of himself in a fight so strangely edited that even the viewer has no idea who is good and who is evil? Check.

A white wolf who becomes an evil god named Zora who pledges to kill everyone if he gets to have sex and own the soul — in that order — of Ocron? Check.

Crucifying Mace ala Conan, then kicking the cross into the water where he’s saved by friendly dolphins that recalls the director’s earlier bonkers zombie vs. shark battle? Check.

If you don’t want to be shocked by how crazy this film can get and want to experience it for yourself, please stop reading now, because Fulci packed a doozy into this one.

After coming back to save Mace, Ilias gets killed off-screen and beheaded. Yep. The main hero of the movie gets his head chopped off, then burned in a funeral pyre scene that lasts forever, until Mace takes his ashes and covers himself in them, mumbling, “Revenge. Revenge.” This is NOT what Joseph Campbell had in mind on that whole Hero’s Journey, right?

Mace gets that revenge — killing everyone he can with the bow, until using it to blast off Ocron’s mask, revealing that her face looks like a Basil Wolverton drawing. She dies, transforming into a wolf, at which point she meets the Zora wolf and they run off into the Mexican desert. Mace walks away, alone again. Cue the Goblin music — or at least Claudio Simonetti.

I sat on my couch, jaw dropped, at the end of this film. There are parts where you’ll question how Fulci ever learned how to be a director. And moments where his brilliance smashes you in the brain as if a naked witch was about to get high off your frontal lobe. You’ll wonder — is this a remastered DVD or a poor badly dubbed tenth generation VHS tape, because things just keep fading out and I can’t make out what’s on the screen. You’ll ponder just how many smoke machines it took to make a movie like this, one that makes Antonio Bay look like the clearest of all blue skies.

Above all else, you will not ever seen this as a ripoff of Conan the Barbarian. It’s just too out there and too off. For all the narrative purists that pull at the cloak of Fulci, I’ll give advice that none of them will give you: watch this movie with beer and weed close by. It will allow the on-screen fog to penetrate your physical world. Only watch this either very early in the morning, just before the sun rises, or so late that there isn’t another soul awake. And if you have furs or a loincloth, put it on. Embrace Conquest as the ridiculous piece of entertainment that it was meant to be. You can’t make stuff like this up. And they don’t make ‘em like this any more.

Originally written for Drive-In Asylum #9, where I made the typo of calling Joseph Campbell Joseph Conrad. Please buy the print copy of the zine now at https://www.etsy.com/listing/526525656/drive-in-asylum-issue-8-july-2017?ref=shop_home_feat_1