22. CTHULHU’S COHORT: Wrap your tentacles around a “weird fiction” tale.

Directed and produced by Sean Branney, Andrew Leman and David Robertson, this movie was distributed by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society, a group of live action role players of The Call of Cthulhu role playing game. That game’s creator, Sandy Petersen, contributed money to complete the film.

Miskatonic University professor of mythology Albert Wilmarth (Matt Foyer) is a folklorist exploring the Old Ones, the ancient beings that existed before man in the books of Lovecraft. He’s been writing to Henry Akeley (Barry Lynch), a man whose farm is under attack by something that he believes is connected. He’s also arguing that these creatures can’t exist with Charles Fort (Andrew Leman), who the phrase fortean is named for.

Those eternal monsters are known as the Mi-Go and they promise to take people to space, as long as they are allowed to put their minds into a cylinder.

This same group also made The Testimony of Randolph Carter and The Call of Cthulhu. They understand not just Lovecraft, but making movies, as this changes the original story for the benefit of a more interesting movie. The third act is new, as is the ending. The characters all come from the role playing game, as they are the heroes that the filmmakers used.

The Whisper In Darkness was shot in a process called Mythscope, which makes it seem like it was made in the 1930s. It comes across like this is a lost film, one filled with at the edges of sanity madness. And isn’t that how it should be?

You can watch this on Tubi.

21. STAGEFRIGHTS: Musicals are hell to endure. Can I get a hell yeah!?

In his childhood, Anil (Mithun Chakraborty) watched helplessly as a rich man named P.N. Oberoi (Om Shivpuri) beat his mother in the streets and then had numerous thugs slap him around. All Anil wanted to do was dance and sing. Now, he has to live with this memory.

Yet dance and sing he does, as he’s noticed by David Brown (Om Puri), a manager who wants to replace his current disco star Sam (Karan Razdan) as his ego has grown too big. Now known as Jimmy, our hero becomes a disco star while falling in love with his enemy’s daughter Rita (Kim)

Oberoi is one of the most brutal villains I’ve seen in a movie in a long time. He hooks Jimmy’s guitar up to an electrical current in the hopes of killing him, but it fries his mother instead. Now, Jimmy can’t play the guitar and thanks to Oberoi’s henchmen, he can’t walk either. Rita must nurse him back to health and get him ready for the stage.

The film ends at the International Disco Dancing Competition, where Jimmy gets on stage and can’t sing. Rita gets up and starts screaming at him, trying to force him to sing. Finally, Jimmy’s uncle Raju (Rajesh Khanna) throws him a guitar and tells him that his mother is in his music. He plays like he never has before, winning the contest, just in time for Oberoi’s killers to rush the stage and shoot Raju.

This has stopped being disco.

Jimmy goes for revenge, killing every single guard through dance fighting, before getting justice in the most perfect way possible. Electrocution.

Disco Dancer was a huge hit, not just in its own country, but in Southern and Central Asia, Eastern and Western Africa, Japan, the Middle East, East Asia, Turkey and the Soviet Union. There’s even a Jimmy statue in Osaka! It also inspired the Devo song “Disco Dancer” and “Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Aaja” appears in You Don’t Mess With the Zohan and was covered by M.I.A.

The soundtrack may not always be pure disco, but at times it has some wild sounds, like how “Koi Yahaan Nache Nache” samples “Video Killed the Radio Star,” French disco star Marc Cerrone’s “Cerrone’s Paradise” is used — probably without permission — and “Krishna Dharti Pe Aaja Tu” used parts of “Jesus” by Tielman Brothers, who were the first Dutch-Indonesian band to successfully venture into the international music scene. There’s another French disco song that’s sampled in this, Ottawan’s “T’es Ok T’es Bath.”

This movie has all the colors, all the drama, all the disco dancing. Seriously, it’s incredible even if the music isn’t all that disco at times. If you’re just starting to get into Bollywood films, this is a great place to start, because this truly has some mind destroying scenes.

You can watch this on YouTube.

20. WITCH, PLEASE!: Watch a saucy spell caster do her damnedest. Be sure to check the Witch, Please! book for spelling errors…

Anna (Michèle Perello) and Françoise (Mireille Saunin) are on a car vacation through France’s Auvergne when their car runs out of gas. Finding a barn to spend the night, they make love because this is wondrous Eurosleaze and why wait? When Françoise wakes up, Anna is gone and a dwarf by the name of Gurth (Alfred Baillo) arrives to guide her through the mythical forest of Brocéliande, into a canoe and through a river to the island of Avalon, a place where the legendary Morgan La Fey has set up her own kingdom, a place where women — if they pledge their souls to her — remain young forever.

Françoise is bathed by the women and the offer is explained. Eternal beauty in the thrall of the witch or to grow old in the basement dungeons. Anna has already accepted the offer but as Françoise runs, she keeps finding La Fey, who promises to share with her the secrets of magic.

Instead, our heroine and the dwarf conspire to leave this place behind, gathering the magical objects that will allow them to leave, A magic tunic is procured after an evening of love making with one of La Fey’s harem. A necklace controls the boat that can bring them back to the real world. Only Morgan’s topaz globe remains, but Gurth is caught and destroyed by the women, losing his eyes, voice and legs, giving the ring that keeps him alive to Françoise. He dies so that she may live, returning to the village where La Fey appears and gives Françoise back what she desires. The same past that she left as Anna sleeps in the barn, waiting for her.

Directed by Bruno Gantillon (who also directed seven episodes of HBO’s The Hitchhiker), who co-wrote the script with Jacques Chaumelle, this is the kind of movie lesbianism that men want but also the kind of movie that I want, because it feels like drugs. The kind that slow you down and lull you into a state where you are no longer sure what is real and what is a dream. An ancient castle, hazy lighting, sumptuous cinematography and poetry being recited in between lovemaking as wine is poured on bodies, all with vaguely sinister magical conversation. This is the party that you may have always wanted to be invited to.

This was released on DVD by Mondo Macabro and went out of print, but will be available in their Halloween sale this year on UHD and blu ray.

19. VIDEO STORE DAY: This is the big one. Watch something physically rented or bought from an actual video store. If you live in a place that is unfortunate enough not to have one of these archival treasures then watch a movie with a video store scene in it at least. #vivaphysicalmedia

Based on the manga Kuuki Ningyo by Yoshiie Gōda, Air Doll was directed and written by Hirokazu Kore-eda. It’s about Nozomi (Bae Doona, The Host), a sex doll that comes to life after being the possession of Hideo (Itsuji Itao) who treats her as if she were his wife, coming home each night to cook for her and bathe her before making love to her.

One day, she comes to life, dressing herself in her French maid costume and heading out into the world. She decides to work in a video store, where she falls in love with Junichi (Arata) after he discovers that she has cut herself and is deflating. Once Hideo learns that she has become real, he wants nothing to do with her. He prefers the lifelessness of a doll, as humans annoy him. This crushes her.

She tries to have the same relationship with Junichi, who wants to deflate and inflate her as a way of lovemaking. As he sleeps, she tries to do the same to him, but doesn’t understand that when he’s cut, he bleeds, and that she can’t fix the damage. He dies and she leaves him in the trash before deciding to end her life. As her body lies in the garbage, a young girl leaves a baby doll for her to hold.

There’s a great moment in this where Nozomi meets her creator (Joe Odagiri) who has a room full of his creations that have come back damaged. She asks what happens and he says he keeps them as long as he can before he must throw them away.

Perhaps I am somewhat relating to this film, as Junichi tries to teach her about life by the movies that they watch together at the video store. This film keeps nearly every relationship at a distance, much like the doll that Hideo keeps at home, waiting for him, the only person who listens to him because it responds exactly as he wants. The real world is superficial and remote, unlike the fantasy life we have made of movies.

I watched this movie while considering the fourth of Anton LaVey’s five point program for pentagonal revisionism:

Development and production of artificial human companions
The forbidden industry. An economic “godsend” which will allow everyone “power” over someone else. Polite, sophisticated, technologically feasible slavery. And the most profitable industry since T.V. and the computer.

Doesn’t the internet basically do that for so many now? Fantasies no longer have to remain in one’s head; girlfriend experience and POV videos, combined with real dolls and Fleshlights, allow so many to have the physical side of the relationship that their mental or emotional state can’t handle. The pleasure before the business, if the act of being a human being and going through love and loss can be simply boiled down to business.

I wish this was a tighter movie, but it has moments of sadness that are wonderful. Almost like being with a plastic toy; it gives you the emotions that can’t exist through film, like something its protagonists would watch while waiting on custimers.

You can watch this on Tubi.

17. DON’T BLAME THE NAME: Many great films have been poo-pooed because of dumb titles. It’s time to let go of your judgement and enjoy one of those.

Based on the book by Horace McCoy (who worked as a bouncer at several dance marathons), this Sydney Pollack-directed film is great but I don’t think I ever want to watch it again. It’s so brutal in the way that it beats its characters into the ground as couples dance for 1,491 hours straight, only stopping for meals and sleep, some dropping from exhaustion, some dropping dead.

People line up at a ballroom in Santa Monica as they’re checked over by a doctor and allowed to move in. Robert Syverton (Michael Sarrazin) is picked to be the partner of Gloria Beatty (Jane Fonda) after her original partner is disqualified for bronchitis. We also meet a sailor named Harry Kline (Red Buttons), a farmer named James Bates (Bruce Dern) and his pregnant wife Ruby (Bonnie Bedelia), an actress hoping that Hollywood will see her by the name of Alice LeBlanc (Susannah York) and her partner Joel Girard (Robert Fields).

The boss of the place, Rocky Gravo (Gig Young), employs so many of the carny tricks that became pro wrestling and then reality TV, as he abuses the early contestants and chases them off before inventing drama between his dancers, anything to bring the audiences back every night. One night, he even tells Gloria that they have to follow through on what they promise to the crowd, as if they don’t, they won’t believe any longer. This is the very foundation that old school kayfabe was built on.

Again, much like wrestling, Rocky has an army of doctors who will drug up and keep the show going. He even employs an angle called the derby where dancers have to race in a circle until the last three couples are eliminated. By now, Robert is dancing with Alice and Gloria with Joel, who leaves, and then Harry. During this frantic scene, Harry dies on the dance floor and Gloria drags his dead body past the other couples. Anything to win $1,500 for dancing for nearly fifty days in a row.

Rocky has another storyline where Gloria and Robert will get married. When she says no, he tells her that even if she wins, he will deduct expenses for her room and board, meaning that all of this is for nothing. A destroyed Gloria tries to kill herself and can’t do it, so she gives Robert the gun and he blows her brains out. When the cops arrive, he says the title of the film.

This movie is filled with actors that probably only I adore, like Arthur Metrano (Captain Mauser, enemy of Mahoney), Severn Darden and “Grandpa” Al Lewis.

Charlie Chaplin wanted to make this movie in the 1950s and it would have starred his son Sydney and Marilyn Monroe. He was accused of being a Communist and he was unable to come back to America.

Screenwriter James Poe was going to make this as a low budget movie with Shirley Knight as Gloria, Lionel Stander as Rocky, Allen Jenkins as Sailor and his wife Barbara Steele would also be in the cast.

I’m glad that this is the version of this film that was made even I felt as emotionally beat up as the couples by the end. It’s harrowing.

You can watch this on YouTube.

16. INCREMENTAL BREAKDOWN: Stop-motion films are hard to make. Appreciate that mania today.

Directed, written by and starring the voice of Mike Mort, this is the story of tough guy cop Chuck Steel, a man who lost his wife to the Yakuza. He drives Captain Jack Schitt (Mort) crazy with his ability to always blow things up and cause chaos. In fact, his new partner Barney (Paul Whitehouse) is so upset by the first day of riding with Steel that he shoots himself. Now, he gets to choose between a Swedish woman, a monkey or a cheese plant. He goes Swedish and ends up with a woman bigger than he is.

When they go to the hospital to check in on the victim of a violent crime, he meets Professor Van Rental (also Mort), a vampire hunter who informs him that bloodsuckers are basically unhoused people now, driven by a need for blood in the same way that winos need rotgut. Oh yeah — Steel also has to meet with the police psychiatrist Dr. Alex Cular (Jennifer Saunders) who is making all the rest of the policemen ineffective.

Chuck is bitten in a vampire attack, his new partner dies and he ends up working with the Professor in the hopes of stopping the curse before midnight. He also gets Giggles the monkey as his next partner.

As you can tell by this description so far, this stop-motion movie is ridiculous, combining 80s action hero silliness with vampires, good dumb humor and clay gore. It was made with 425 puppets and I’d never even heard of it, which is a shame, because it’s way better than I thought it was going to be, featuring dramatic romantic scenes with clowns, Chuck becoming the chosen one of the homeless and an Illuminati lizard.

It’s worth finding.

15. YOU TOO, SHALL PASS: …If the gatekeeper permits.

During the time between seasons 3 and 4 of their show, the Monty Python group decided to make a movie. Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones had never made a movie before, as And Now for Something Completely Different was a collection of sketches from the show. They got the movie for the movie from a variety of sources: Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson, Elton John, co-producer Michael White, Tim Rice’s cricket team and several record labels, including Charisma Records, who released Python’s early comedy albums. No movie studio would have funded them and rock stars were paying huge taxes in the UK, so it was a great write-offs. All of these groups would get a percentage from Spamlot, the musical that came from it nearly thirty years later.

When someone asked Eric Idle on Twitter, after he revealed who gave money to the movie, if he would reveal the profits, he replied, “Do I look like a fucking accountant?”

How to even go into this movie? I’ll try. King Arthur (Graham Chapman), his squire Patsy (Terry Gilliam), Sir Bedevere the Wise (Terry Jones), Sir Lancelot the Brave (John Clese), Sir Galahad the Pure (Michael Palin), Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir-Lancelot (Eric Idle) and Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film (a young William Palin) are ordered by God to find the Holy Grail and keep getting blocked, whether that’s by the Black Knight (Cleese), the French taunters (Cleese), a carnivorous rabbit, a three-headed knight (Chapman, Jones and Palin), the Legendary Black Beast and the Bridge of Death over the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which requires them to answer the questions of the bridgekeeper (Gilliam), which ends up claiming the lives of most of the knights.

For a movie where the camera broke during the first shot and where Chapman had the DTs and could barely walk, much less climb on his first day of shooting, things worked out OK.

Gene Siskel said, “Too many jokes took too long to set up, a trait shared by both Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein.” I guess Siskel and I saw different movies.

Unbelievably, this premiered on U.S. TV on the CBS Late Movie on February 25, 1977. So much was cut that the Pythons would only allow it to ir on PBS and cable afterward.

I watched this movie daily as a kid. My wife, who is 12 years younger than me, has no interest in watching it and didn’t grow up idolizing Monty Python. When I was two, I asked if I could start speaking like John Cleese and tried for a long time to have a British accent. At that time, it felt like knowing Python felt like a secret club, one beyond Saturday Night Live and maybe at the same level as SCTV.

Today, there’s a licensed slot machine.

Thanks to the DIA crew — Bill, Mike, Jenn and AC — for helping me figure out what movie to write about.

14. HALLOWED GROUND: Made by an indigenous filmmaker or has featured indigenous cast members.

Blood quantum is the measurement of the amount of “Indian blood” that people have and is used to determine Native American status and tribal citizenship. It’s calculated by dividing the combined degree of “Indian blood” of an individual’s parents in half.  This law was created by federal and state governments to establish legally defined racial groups with many Native nations still using blood quantum as a requirement for citizenship.

Director and writer Jeff Barnaby was a member of the Canadian Mi’kmaq tribe and was married to Navajo filmmaker Sarah Del Seronde. Sadly, he died three years after making this movie, succumbing to cancer.

Gisigu (Stonehorse Lone Goeman, a member of the Tonawanda Band of Seneca), a fisherman, knows things are wrong when fish he has caught refuses to die. He calls lawman Traylor (Michael Greyeyes, a member of the Muskeg Lake Cree Nation), who has just visited his ex-wife Joss (Elle-Máijá Tailfeathers, a member of the both the Blood Reserve and Sampi tribe of Norway), having to put her dog to sleep and learn that their son Joseph (Forrest Goodluck, citizen of the Three Affiliated Tribes) and his half-brother Lysol (Kiowa Gordon, a Hualapai tribe member) have been arrested for vandalism.

In jail, Joseph has been bitten by a white man, so he is taken to the hospital where his pregnant girlfriend Charlie (Olivia Scriven) comes to get him. That night, Taylor is attacked by a white woman and the hospital turns into a nightmare.

Six months later, the world knows all about Zeds, which is what they call zombies. Unlike the last several hundred years, indigenous people have the high ground, as they are immune to the virus. The Red Crow Reservation remains cut off and only accessible to those with a blood quantum that says that they are natives.

Even then, man’s inhumanity to man is not confined to other races. Lysol has his penis bit off by a zombie girl named Lilith (Natalie Liconti) — how did that get in there — and starts killing all of the undead, who soon overrun the reservation and kill almost everyone. The rest of the movie is about how the survivors either survive or don’t, but wow, Bumper (Brandon Oakes, a member of the Akwesasne Mohawk Nation) is somehow able to kill thousands of the walking dead with samurai sword.

Lysol should be the hero of his people, but his actions doom all of them. That said, it’s as if the world is righting itself, giving the land back to those who deserve it. Barnaby didn’t want to make a zombie movie for awhile, but then got the idea: “What if the Indians had been immune to smallpox?”