Directed and written by Kenya Cagle, Sin Apple is what happens when a love spell goes wrong. Sure, you get the love of your life to worship you — “I ask her to fart. She farts.” — but then it all goes too far. Kind of like this movie, which is 110 minutes, but things end and start again so many times that you’ll be convinced that you’ve entered a vortex of some sort. I don’t say that as a bad thing.

The IMDB reviews are all either 10 stars or 1, which means that when this was released, people tried to post positive-bomb reviews, and by that, I mean 12 bombs. And then you get bon mots like this: “Sin Apple has the worst parts of 2 great cities, toxic masculinity, toxic christianity, colorism and far right leaning vibes, which is nasty for an all black cast.”

Or “By far the absolute worst film I have ever seen in my life. The unnecessary badly-written dialogue in this movie drags for so long. If you are looking for a horror movie to watch, skip this one.”

Richard is so obsessed with Lola, so he goes to Madam Latasha, whose magic is somehow based around taking selfies, which is a thing. Yet when Aunt Rhonda finds the cell phone, which was to be destroyed, it all goes wrong, and Richard becomes a red-eyed demon, killing between New York City and Las Vegas. 

There’s also a cop investigating it all who can barely get dressed and may flub every one of his lines, but dammit, they’re in the movie.

The auteur theory is real, and this movie is a prime example of it; Cagle is creating a whole new world here, a place where anything really and truly happens. Sure, you can look at it as a low-tech, barely coherent movie, but why be so small-minded about things?

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed and written by Brian Krainson (whose career goes from water safety on film sets to stunts and acting), Fear Cabin finds six friends staying in the woods around no one else on the last night of summer. Are there a bunch of devil worshippers in those woods? Are there demons? Why would anyone go to a cabin in the woods?

The good? Practical effects and an attempt at fun. That makes up for how many cabin movies this takes things from. But hey! Jeremy London from Mallrats is the owner of that cabin. There’s also a feeling that everyone involved wanted to make something halfway decent and not just streaming slop. 

Krainson did just about everything he could to make this movie, taking on so many roles. And yeah, it wasn’t for me, but I applaud anyone who makes their own horror film, especially someone smart enough to keep it around 70 minutes. I wish it had a story as original as the camerawork, but perhaps the next film he makes will break the mold. There’s talent there.

You get the trailer and behind-the-scenes stuff on the Cleopatra DVD release. You can get it from MVD.

Simon West directed Con Air, The General’s Daughter, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, The Mechanic and The Expendables 2, so he’s the perfect person to make an action movie. 

You may not expect Rebel Wilson to be in one of those movies.

Here, she plays Sam, a secret agent trying to fix her relationship — and her status as maid of honor — with her friend Betsy (Anna Camp), who has replaced her with her sister Virginia (Anna Chlumsky). Despite her anger, her handler, Nadine (Sherry Cola), tells her to attend the wedding at Betsy’s fiancé, Ryan Caldwell’s (Sam Huntington), family’s lush estate.

Between Sam flirting with best man Chris (Justin Hartley) to the point that it angers Virginia, and an armed attack by criminals led by Kurt (Stephen Dorff) — and helped by Chris — the wedding day is a mess. But it allows Sam to use her special set of skills to, well, kill every one of the bad guys.

Coleen Camp shows up (she also produced) and Wilson has the kind of energy you need for one of these films. Anna Chlumsky, Da’Vine Joy Randolph and Gigi Zumbado are the rest of the wedding party who quickly learn from Sam how to be an action star. I’m a sucker for silly action comedies, I guess.

“While doing research, a group of young geniuses accidentally stumbles upon a secret terrorist plot to create a time machine to go back in time and change history.”

You have no idea how fast I raced to Tubi and watched this.

They’re not just changing history. They’re sending a military force back in time to kill Jesus before he can be crucified.

Or let’s let director and writer Jim Carroll explain the plot: “Extremists use a time machine to go back and commit the ultimate jihad of killing Jesus and the Disciples before the Resurrection. The young geniuses who created time travel must go back in time, dodge the assassins, interact with Bible characters, and make the corrections before the timeline overrides itself and starts the apocalypse.”

Ram Goldstein (Morgan Roberts), Amy Lee (Ilsa Levine), Simon (Lamar Usher) and Felix (Cesar D’ La Torre) are all working for Ahmed (Gerardo Davila), who wants more than just revenge for losing his wife and kids. As part of a radical terrorist Muslim group, he wants to be part of a global Jihad by creating a time machine that will go back in time to 33 A.D. and letting Brandt (Donny Boaz), a man who has lost his family in a car accident, lead a team of black ops killers to shoot Jesus, retroactively destroying Christianity and by extension, stopping God’s plan of salvation for humanity.

What I saw was Black Easter, the reworked version that also somehow features Heidi Montag. Or maybe I saw the director’s cut. I did not see the original version or the first title, Resurrection Time Conspiracy.

Man, I have no idea how to even explain so much of this to you, but let’s use TV Tropes for some help. 

“In the first time jump, Brandt and his platoon arrive at the Gethsemane garden and succeed in terminating Jesus Christ and all His disciples for good measure.”

This is one of the wildest scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, as a whole unit of modern mercs just unleashes Call of Duty chaos on the Son of Man.

“While Ram and Amy try to undo it by traveling back to before Ahmed killed his parents, they end up right in Ahmed’s clutches as it was Daylight Savings Time and get killed while trying to warn their past selves about Ahmed’s true intentions.”

That’s right. These guys are smart enough to build a time machine, but dumb enough not to think of Daylight Savings.

Ahmed is one of the meanest movie villains I’ve ever seen. Once Ram learns that he’s evil, Ahmed brings in Ram’s parents and kills them in front of him. Then he tells him to finish the time machine so he can go back in time and save them. 

This is where I should remind you that Jesus is considered a holy man, but not a prophet, in Islam. He’s not an enemy of Islam.

So after all manner of main characters dying over and over and so many time loops, Ram goes back in time dressed as a traffic guard before he and Amy travel back to Lab 19 and get killed by Ahmed. That said, Ram resurrects himself and takes a dying Amy to a hospital 30 in the future, except, well — the future is the Great Tribulation. The Black Easter cut reveals that Ahmed used the DNA sample he collected from Jesus’ body to make an evil clone of Him, who came to be known as The Antichrist.”

I was amazed. This went there.

This is a movie that has Simon, the only black scientist, sound like Chris Tucker, spoil Jesus’ Passion to Him and then say, “I’m from the future. And I’ve seen your movie. I got it on bootleg. Forgive me, Lord, I’m sorry.”

Yet the production values are excellent, seriously. This is such a wild time-travel movie that I’d love to recommend to more people, but it’s so over the top in its hatred of Muslims that I have no idea how I could. Simon, being Simon of Cyrene, who carried Jesus’ cross? That’s the kind of Christian continuity that I need in these films. And why is Ahmed so happy that the world he wanted is obviously unlivable? So many questions.

That said, I really think everyone should see this movie. It’s something.

You can watch this on Tubi.

This is not a movie about cocktails or handjobs. Yes, I refer to handjobs as old-fashioned.

Anyway, this is a religious movie about dating.

Clay Walsh (Rik Swartzwelder) is an antique shop owner who also restores furniture. He rents a room above his place to Amber (Elizabeth Ann Roberts), who is a bit weirded out by the fact that Clay won’t be in the same room with her. Well, he’s made a vow not to be alone with a woman who isn’t his wife. But he will come up to fix things, so she starts breaking stuff to get to talk to him.

As they get to know one another, we learn that Clay used to shoot, well, exploitation porn of girls like Girls Gone Wild, which is stranger than Amber’s checkered dating past. That’s why he hasn’t dated anyone and has devoted himself to crafts. 

So yeah, they held this movie for a year so it could release in the same theaters as 50 Shades of Grey.

Also: Directed, written and produced by Swartzwelder, and you know, vanity may be a sign, but it’s my favorite.

That said, this is not like most faith movies. No one religious is under attack. Instead, it’s two people trying to find their way in a world that can be very upsetting. I actually liked this.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed and written by Corbin Bernsen, this is based on the website of the same name, which has “60% brand awareness among U.S. dating service users, with 17% indicating they had used the platform.”

Gwyneth Hayden (Lacey Chabert) works in advertising, so we know she’s Godless. But after seeing an ad for the dating site for the devoted, she buys The Bible for Dummies and Christianity for Dummies, then starts seeing Paul Wood (Jonathan Patrick Moore), a believer whose entire family — which includes Morgan Fairchild and David Keith as mom and dad — is super involved in the church. They surprise her by telling her they are going on mission work, and she comes along, only for her cheat books to be found. Not everyone understands the concept of forgiveness, and she goes back home, where she decides she wants to be a Christian, even if she won’t see Paul.

Paul spent no time mourning, as he’s already dating childhood friend Kelly (Jill Saunders), despite seeing the work that Gwyneth has done. This being a romcom, of course, they get together.

Bernsen shows up as Matt, the guy who fixes our heroine’s bike. In his shop, he’s watching The Young and the Restless, and that’s Bernsen’s late mother, Jeanne Cooper, in the scene he’s checking out.

Also, this feels like IMDBS: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do The Lost Tree instead. She ended up doing both.” I say BS, as the The Lost Tree trivia says: “Corey Feldman, who was Lacey Chabert’s spiritual advisor at the time, pleaded with her not to do this movie, and do Christian Mingle instead. She ended up doing both.”

The Common Sense Media notes for this movie are excellent: “I only joined to rate this Christian Mingle movie. I am a 71 year old woman. I watched the entire movie only because I was waiting to see if either the young man or his mother would get their “comeupance” for their judgmental attitudes. Yes, the young Lady may have “lied” as she tried to fill the requirements that the arrogant, judgy mother had instilled in her precious boy. And the fact that he could not stand up to “Mommy”, but had no trouble telling the young lady all of her “sins”! Then he leaves his wife and baby. Some Christian. And Lacy jumps into his arms. I would not want my Grandchildren to even see this movie.”

Also: John O’Hurley’s character is dealing with baldness, so he wears a captain’s hat.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Wealthy drug dealer Miles Montego (Ja Rule) starts dating out of his type when he meets Vanessa Leon (Adrienne Bailon, who I know dated Rob Kardashian), a lovely Christian woman (“A cross upon her bedroom wall / From grace she will fall / An image burning in her mind / And between her thighs”) at a friend’s house. Miles claims he wants to change his life and find God, but he’s still moving weight, and the DEA is on to him.

The Wikipedia for this movie is great, because it summarizes the film in a few sentences, which allows you to see precisely how much happens so quickly: “Miles’ mother dies from an illness, and he proposes to Vanessa on an airplane. After a car accident, Vanessa enters a coma. As he waits in the hospital, Miles starts to restore his faith in God, praying to him to make Vanessa wake up and saying that she shouldn’t have to pay for his sins. Vanessa recovers, and the two marry.”

Not only does Miles marry a church girl, but he soon becomes a pastor. While all of his friends are in jail — he sends Bibles — for his crimes, he gets away with it. Writer and producer Galley Molina made this about his own life, and unlike Miles, he did pay for his crimes with a jail sentence. I mean, so did Ja, serving 28 months for tax evasion. People can change.

Ja does get to drop this monologue (thanks to Complex for transcribing) in which he yells at God in a church, no less: “Good, I’m glad you’re here, because we’ve got some serious issues to talk about. First of all, you took my mother from me, and that just about killed me, but I kept my mouth shut and let that one slide. I’ve done some bad things to people for a lot less, but I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I’ve been faithful. I’ve been going to church and reading your precious little book. I even drop stacks of hundreds into that little velvet bag they pass around every Sunday! I’ve changed. I’m a changed man—can’t you see that? Oh, my bad. Of course you can. You see everything, right?

So what’s the problem then? What do you want from me? I know I haven’t made you proud. How can I with all this mess I’ve got goin’ on? What happened? What happened to all those things I’ve been reading about: grace, forgiveness, mercy? Where was the mercy for my mother? And now you want to take Vanessa away from me? Nah, that ain’t happening, big guy.

Look, I’m a stand-up guy, man. If anybody needs to pay for their sins, then let it be me—please, leave everybody else out of it. Just take me! I’m ready for whatever you’ve got coming. You want to send me to Hell? Book the flight! But please… Please, I’m begging you. Don’t take Vanessa from me. Just tell me, whatever you want me to do. Tell me what you want me to do to spare her life. I didn’t mean a word I just said. I’m sorry for yelling at you in your house.”

As for me, I love the cast they got: Stephen Baldwin, Martin Kove, Michael Madsen and Jerry Rice? That’s how you do it!

You can watch this on Tubi.

“When workaholic Ty Bounds retires after 35 years as a computer programmer, he seeks ways to spend his time serving God. Following the Holy Spirit’s lead, he returns to college to wage war against secular humanism and mentor a new generation in truth-seeking.”

There’s no way I wasn’t watching this. 

Gramps, or Ty, is played by this film’s writer, Donald James Parker. His returning to school as an untraditional student is seen as an aberration. But Ty isn’t going to school to learn. He’s going to teach, which means sitting in biology class and calling everyone out for speaking about evolution. This causes Professor Tucker (Carol Anderson) to keep asking him out and even sexually assault him at one point. 

Ty fucks, but Ty doesn’t fuck, as the kids say.

Ty is very realistic. Every old right-wing religious person I know is always looking for an opportunity to start talking about what’s wrong, even if they’re in charge and, as old white men, rule the world already. At one point, during a chess match, Ty goes off about fluoride in the drinking water, which he says causes cancer and fibromyalgia. No one asked Ty. They are playing chess.

Ty also has a roommate named Brad (Rusty Martin), who starts dating a lapsed Christian who loves to drink. She does what a few kids do every year at CMU and the major colleges in Pittsburgh. She drinks so much — 20 shots of Everclear, if we’re to believe this movie — that she dies. That’s because kids like this didn’t drink in the woods, running from cops. Drinking seems cool, right? Not where I grew up, as you run through mud and water while searchlights are all over you, and you want to puke, but you can’t get caught. If you can stay that aware, you never drink yourself to death. You just became a lifelong alcoholic. 

They then bring her back to life.

As Gramps says, “I used to think that universities were meant to teach us how to think, but I’m beginning to realize that they’re trying to teach us what to think.” 

This movie hits too hard; it’s too much like what the world would become in the decade after its release: a nation of Gramps who have all done their own research. Then, the academic bastards kick Gramps out of school, and he surmises, “I guess the devil didn’t want me here.”

Oh Lord, why have you deserted me? I just learned that this is a sequel to another movie, In Gramps’ Shoes. 

Now I have to watch that.

You can watch this on Tubi.