During their youth, Cade and his identical twin brother Cale (Neil Breen, who pretty much did every single thing possible on this movie) were abducted by aliens and transformed. They were both secret agents for some time, but Cale didn’t fit in while Cade remained, missing his brother while he protects America’s troops.

Cale is up to a mission of his own, kidnapping important business people when he isn’t doing pills with his lover Donna. There’s also Cuzzx, a man conducting a cyber attack and Alana, a girl that it seems like Cade is stalking when in truth she’s his girlfriend in a scene that pads time in a way that only Neil Breen can.

Also: Cale has the worst beard perhaps in the history of beards which makes me love him.

Cuzzx has all these people hooked up to VR goggles — yell it with me, programmable virtual reality! — and he kills a homeless man who is friends with Cade, just as Cale and Donna break up and she tracks down Cade and asks where his beard went and also, can he get her some drugs?

Neither of the brothers can pick a girlfriend, because Alana has been in the employ of Cuzzx all along and she shoots him, but somehow he survives. She goes into a virtual world to say goodbye to him and he forgives her. Cade then tells us that we will all live in a VR world some day.

A movie shot over stock footage and greenscreens, Twisted Pair feels like it has to be a stunt but no, this is how Neil Breen makes movies. I haven’t seen the sequel, Cade: The Tortured Crossing, but I don’t think my life will have meaning until I do.

I really love Breen’s movies, if you didn’t pick up on that yet. They become comforting when you get used to the word patterns and the repeating motifs of great power, childhood loss and greatness being achieved in adulthood. According to his site, he can also design and sell your house. I can’t even imagine.

Neil Breen is an auteur. And it doesn’t matter if you hate every single one of his movies, but you have to admit that he’s putting everything there is up there on the screen and I don’t feel like it’s an act. You’re getting all of him, no matter what that is.

His movies often revolve around the same themes. The government has been corrupted by rich people. Breen is the lead and he has been given near-omnipotent powers that will allow him to either save the world or destroy it. Also: He falls in love at the age of seven and it should last forever, except he’s either separated from this love of his life or she’s murdered. He has some crisis of faith and screams by himself for several scenes, but never forgets to remind us how many medals he’s won or how good he is at what he does or that no one can stop him.

He’s crowdfunded a lot of his movies, but before that, he was using money from real estate or being an architect to make them happen. He told Influx, “So, the myth was created years ago that I’m this wealthy real estate guy, which is not the truth.  I kept that real estate license active for only a year.  I have never made any serious money through real estate.  So, what I’m getting at is that this myth of real estate mega guy has been perpetuated for no reason.”

But as much as I’d love to speak to Breen and learn all about his movies, maybe I also feel like having them speak for themselves. They really defy any sort of convention or box. I don’t even know if I can put all of the ideas in this movie into one article, but really, should I? I just want you to experience this movie with the open mind and heart that I did.

Dylan (Breen) met Leah, the love of his life, when he was a child, but she had to move away. Before that, they found a black rock hidden in a chest and he kept it with him for the rest of his life. As an adult, he’s become a famous author with just one book but is nearly killed in a car accident. His friend when he was a child ends up being the nurse that treats him and he comes back to life with a mission: he’s going to hack into every corrupt government computer in the world and release the answers to who is on the take. Along the way, the system will addict his wife Emily to drugs, his best friend Jim will be killed by his wife Andy and it will be explained as a suicide, said best friend’s daughter will continually try to have sex with him and he will fall back in love with Leah. Literally, the moment that they kiss, Emily dies of an overdose.

There are so many scenes of Dylan screaming at computers and let me tell you, I relate. I have never hacked one by spilling coffee all over it, but I am not Neil Breen either. I can also explain the ending as much as I can and you still won’t be ready for it.

The thing about Breen’s movies is that wherever he stumbles as a filmmaker, there’s no chance of his work becoming boring or trite. They are infinitely his own vision, however alien that may seem to the rest of humanity that gets to watch these films. Every film is a miracle just for being completed and the fact that he’s made several and that they all present such a cinematic universe of sorts without falling into parody — they feel parody-proof — or him becoming self-aware. I hope that Breen keeps on making his films, because we need people like him that exist to make movies because, well, they just plan love making movies. It’s a dream. Even if that dream is to portray twin secret agents who know who controls the world or God walking to Las Vegas sure he’s going to destroy the world.

This movie is under seventy minutes and is packed with so many things that it feels like going to one of those conveyer belt sushi places and being overwhelmed by all the things you want to eat and then trying to remember all of the ingredients.

Lawrence Orlovsky (Allan Berendt) and his wife Regina Dracula (Hope Stansbury), along with their staff of Carrie (Patti Gaul) , Orlando (Michael Fischetti) and Carlotta (Pichulina Hempi) have moved into a mansion sight unseen, but these things are necessary as Regina has a blood condition that demands constant injections. Also: Lawrence is growing a monstrous plant in his lab.

There are also human monsters as well, like lawyer Carl Root (John Wallowitch), who is stealing the money from the Orlovsky estate. That’s when we learn that Lawrence is really Larry Talbot and yes, you’d have to watch some monster movies to realize he’s a wolfman. Then there’s Jimmy (David Bevans), back in town to romance his sister Carrie. I mean, he’s there for about five minutes before Regina kills him with a meat cleaver to the head and dissolves him in acid.

For some other reason, Lawrence and Root’s secretary Prudence Towers (Pamela Adams) have an affair that only can happen in a cemetery guarded by Petra (Eve Crosby), who decides to blackmail the family and is also destroyed by Regina. And then, as one imagines, werewolf and vampire must battle within the burning home as we crawl to the credits.

This is a movie that mentions time more than once. The leg-free Orlando says that “Time is a dictator. You must follow him or you’ll be left behind.” while Jimmy, in the middle of necking with his sister, is more optimistic, as he opines, “As one grows older, time becomes a pussycat.”

At one point, Regina tells her husband, “Oh, go to hell.” He replies, “We’re there already.” Even in a world of werewolves, vampires, legs being operated on with steak knives, plants that eat people and long bloodlines of monsters, the greatest monsters are marriage and family.

This played double features with Gerard Damiano’s Legacy Of Satan and man, I can’t even imagine what audiences were like after sitting through both of these movies.

I like this movie so much I wrote about it twice.

Starting with a murder/suicide, Carnage is about love. Three years later in the same house as that tragedy, Carol (Leslie Den Dooven) and Jonathan Henderson (Michael Chiodo) move in. They got the house for cheap and they even threw in the furniture. There’s even a photo of the last occupants, which is yanked somehow out of Jonathan’s hands.

I’m excited to report that while this can be seen as an Amityville Horror rip-off, it’s still an Andy Milligan movie because the main theme is that every single married couple is a mess. Walter (John Garrit) and Caol’s sister Susan (Deeann Veeder) only argue more than Susan and her mother (Che Moody) who also wants to sleep with Walter. Meanwhile, we learn that the house is haunted by the couple from the beginning, but again, that’s just second place to the fact that no two human beings can be in a relationship without screaming at one another.

There are so many people in this movie to the point that you’ll wonder why there just keep adding people. That’s because this will eventually have a body count and if you were also asking yourself or God or whoever you ask things about, maybe the ghost of Milligan, “Will there be a pitchfork impalement?” Yes, why wouldn’t there be? That’s like going to see a band that refuses to play its greatest hit.

This is a movie that feels like no one cared in front of or behind the camera. It goes on and on, talking and talking, and yet there’s something to admire that this is a haunted house movie more devoted to long toasts or dialogue between people who don’t matter to the main story. It’s like if some college filmmaker got hired to make Poltergeist and Spielberg didn’t interfere and that student didn’t show up but sent their girlfriend who hates horror movies and she just wanted to be done with the whole thing.

“I’m trisexual — I’ll try anything for pleasure!”

Any movie that has this line, no matter what happens in it, has something good in it.

Norman (Gerald Jaccuzo) is The Duke Of Norwich. When his half-brother is killed, he gets closer to the throne, which makes him filled with a need for power. He sets his other half-brother Albert (Hal Borske) up with a commoner named Heather MacGregor (Susan Cassidy) with plans to take control of their child and therefore, the throne. But there’s also the dead half-brother’s pregnant wife Lady Jane (Patricia Dillon), a hunchback named Ivan (Richard Mason) — who even gets into a threesome — and a woman with one eye.

I can’t even imagine what people unaware of Andy Milligan think when they saw this. It could still be happening now thanks to streaming, as someone sees the poster art and the title and thinks. “I’ll try this” before they’re confronted by Staten Island being a foreign country and costumes that look like they came from a Christmas play. Will any of them make it to the end? Or will they just be upset by what they have seen?

You can watch this on Tubi.

One of five movies that Andy Milligan was to shoot for British distributor Leslie Elliot — before the falling out with Elliot’s father, who was his business partner — Nightbirds was written on the plane to England.

It’s not the normal — well, was anything he did normal? — horror movie that Milligan was getting known for. Dink (Berwick Kaler) and Dee (Julie Shaw) meet, hook up and he moves into her attic apartment. Then they grow so obsessed with each other that the outside world no longer matters. Their worship game is one of trying to outdo the other, trying to make the other the victim when it should be about lovemaking. It’s not, but you already knew that going in.

Like Vapors, this is an intimate film and not one of blood and horror. Well, you could say that there is horror but not the supernatural kind. I read someone once who said they wondered what Milligan’s career would have been like if Warhol had paid him instead of Paul Morrissey and I bet he’d have ruined the opportunity sooner than later, but just dream of what could have been.

Making his way to England instead of Staten Island, Andy Milligan created a vampire movie in which Rev. Alexander Algernon Ford (Gavin Reed) has an entire family of vampires — a wife who doesn’t speak, three green-skinned vampire women and a hunchback named Spool — living in Carfax Abbey.

Inbreeding is destroying this vampiric brood, so he calls out to America for more family members to add to the DNA and increase their chances of survival.

To get this on film, Milligan handmade costumes and smeared vaseline all over the lens. As always, he also had everyone scream at the top of their lungs.

Spool is abused throughout the movie, even when he’s trying to do the right thing and save the victims.

A lot of people seem to hate this movie and you know, maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome because I watched so many Andy Milligan movies all in the same week, but I am not seeing the same movie that they have. I kind of fall into a drone dream when I watch these, letting them wash over me and take away the world that I don’t want to be in. I feel sad for others who can’t use these movies in the same way.

You can watch this on Tubi.