Noah’s Shark (2021)

“C’mon man! Stop reviewing all of these shark movies!”
— President Joe Biden

It had to happen: After the flying Nazi sharks of Sky Sharks, what’s left? Jesus and sharks, that’s what. And there’s only one indie studio capable of answering the absurd biblical challenge: Polonia Brothers Entertainment*.

** Uh, Mr. King? So is Noah’s Shark/image courtesy of Wild Eye Entertainment Facebook.

Look, Mark Polonia has our respect. When it comes to low-budget filmmakers, no one has his tenacity: his determined, against-the-budget existence began with his best known film, the SOV legend that is Splatter Farm (1987) — which he revisited with a thirty-years later sequel, Return to Splatter Farm (2020). The insanity, however, began earlier, with Church of the Damned (1985) and Hallucinations (1986).

Since then, Mark’s up to film #67 — which includes the in-post Sharkula (yes, vampires and sharks) and the pre-production Reel Monsters (a monster from film’s past, returns . . . to reality). As with our love of all things Nicolas Cage and Eric Roberts: it’s impossible to keep up with the prolific output of Polonia Brothers Entertainment, but we do what we can with our reviews of Empire of the Apes (2013), Amityville Death House (2015), Amityville Exorcism (2017), Revolt of the Empire of the Apes (2017), Amityville Island (2020), Camp Blood 8 (2020), Shark Encounters of the Third Kind (2020), and Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse (2021).

However, you, the B&S About Movies reader, must realize we wee Allegheny mud puppies sold our souls to the devil long ago: we are crossroads-bound to review all David DeCoteau flicks (The Wrong Valentine is our latest altar tribute) and shark flicks. And, it seems, Mark Polonia flicks: both of the Selachimorpha and non variety. Damn you, ol’ Scratch and your one-sided contracts. I didn’t want to be a film reviewer, this badly.

So, without further ado: let’s spill the chum!

So, okay . . . what if the folks at Sunn Classics, who made the overall, #9 1976 box office hit, In Search of Noah’s Ark . . . went searching for the Ark . . . only to find it . . . protected by an ancient curse that guides a prehistoric great white shark?

Oh, sweet baby Jesus of Nazarene!

We have a witch’s curse, a botched exorcism that ends in pedophile charges (she really was possessed; the Devil lied), Noah in an off-the-rack Spirit Halloween get up, his shipwrights-chosen son Japheth tempted by a talking demon shark that’s pissed it didn’t get a spot on the Ark, a “haunted” hunk of 2×4 from retrieved from Mountain Ararat*˟, and an Ark that makes the Templar’s schooner of Amando de Ossorio’s The Ghost Galleon look positively real.

Oh, yes, Mr. King: this is a real movie. Oh, yes.

May have been in the actual movie: ’70s-era Noah’s Ark Arco Gas Station Premium. Skeletal Templars not included. Sharks sold separately.

Well, that’s what happens in this Christ-c(h)um-sharksploitation tale as a discredited, fame-seeking televangelist/priest (is there any other kind) finds a last-chance gig a with film crew that sets out to find the fabled Noah’s Ark — and the Selachimorpha you-know-what hits the stone tablets.

Oh, wait. Stone tablets: That’s not Noah. That’s Moses.

Oh, no! I just planted a seed for a Polonia-pollination of The Ten Commandments and sharks. What have I done?! Moses and the 10 Sharks . . . no, wait, I got it: Shark Exodus.

Wait. Even better. . . .

The remainder of the Dead Sea Scrolls are sealed in a fabled, jewel-encrusted golden canister at the bottom of the Dead Sea — you know, sort of like when Antonio Margheriti hired Lee Majors and ripped off Piranha (which ripped off the Spielberg film that started our celluloid Selachimorpha obsessions) and made Killer Fish. Let’s call that one: Dead Sea Sharks.

Wait.

Set the next biblical shark in the Red Sea . . . remember when Moses parted the waters . . . then brought those waters down on his enemies? Well, there’s antiques down there to salvage . . . but there’s an anointed shark in the holy waters protecting the holy spoils. Obviously, that one is Jurassic Shark 3: Holy Moses!.

Look, there’s nothing more to say about Noah’s Shark: You’ve seen the streaming one-sheet. You know our Polonia love. You’ve read my ramble-babble about the Polonia biblical madness. Watch the trailer and go for the red button or not: so proclaims the 11th Commandment. Oh, just do it. Let the power of Christ, compel you.

You can stream Noah’s Shark on your favorite VOD platforms beginning November 16, 2021, through Wild Eye Releasing. You can learn more about the prolific madness of the writer behind Noah’s Shark, John Oak Dalton, courtesy of his August 2021 interview with Richard Gary at the Indie Horror Films blogspot and a February 2020 interview with Mike Haberfelner at Search My Trash.

Come explore the mutual, SOV resume of Mark Polonia’s long-time associate, Jon McBride.

* There’s more insights to be had by way of the two-part documentary short Mark Polonia: A Life of Monsters, Mayhem, and Movies. You can also remember the late John Polonia (1968 — 2008) with this tribute video. You can also pick up a copy of the recently published biography, Monstervision: The Films of John and Mark Polonia, from Amazon.

** Obviously, Mr. King doesn’t realize he’s talkin’ smack about another of our favorite SOV’ers: Donald Farmer is also responsible for our ’80s direct-to-video favorites Cannibal Hookers and Scream Dream. Now do you get why we dig Team Polonia?

*˟ In 1993, George Jammal had what he called “sacred wood from the ark that survived The Great Flood,” retrieved from a dramatic mountain expedition. In fact: Jammal and scholar Gerald Larue never went there: they retrieved some railroad tracks and cooked the wood in an oven — along with some blueberry and almond wine, sweet & sour barbecue sauce, and iodine and teriyaki sauce. Poof! 2x4s from Noah’s Ark.

Nothing about a cursed shark, though.

About the Author: You can visit R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies and Medium.

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