After a few light entries in the series, “Parlour Floor Front” marks a welcome return to the grim, ironic horror that defined the show’s peak. 

The undisputed highlight here is Adolph Caesar as Mars. Caesar was a titan of the industry, legendary for his booming, authoritative baritone. While he is immortalized as the voice of the United Negro College Fund’s “A mind is a terrible thing to waste” campaign and dozens of iconic movie trailers, his on-screen presence was equally formidable (earning an Oscar nod for A Soldier’s Story).

In this episode, he radiates a quiet, dangerous dignity. As the long-term tenant of a stunning apartment, Linda (Donna Bullock) sees him not as a human being, but as an obstacle to her plan. She is the quintessential 80s social climber, willing to use psychological warfare to get what she wants. Her husband, Doug (John Calonius), is happy for the help that Mars gives him in fixing up the place. But she keeps pushing, not knowing that the old man does voodoo and should not be treated this poorly.

Richard Friedman, who directed this episode, also made Phantom of the Mall, Doom Asylum and Scared Stiff. This episode was written by Carole Lucia Satrina, who scripted three of Cannon’s fairy tale films: Puss in Boots, Red Riding Hood and Beauty and the Beast.

This has a fantastic ending, and it’s nice to see the series return to horror rather than silliness.

A veteran reporter who suffered a heart attack says his best medicine would be the removal of his publisher. Jessica gets involved after the man ends up dead.

A veteran reporter who suffered a heart attack says his best medicine would be the removal of his publisher. Jessica gets involved after the man ends up dead.

Season 3, Episode 7: Deadline for Murder (November 16, 1985)

Reporter Haskell Drake (Harry Guardino) has a heart attack after his editor, Lamar Bennett (Peter Mark Richman), rewrites his interview with Jessica. He flips out, Bennett drops dead, and then the reporter asks Jessica to solve it. I mean, is it a heart attack or murder?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury (and Jarry Guardino)?

Katherine Cannon is Eleanor Revere. She’s in The Hidden.

Lt. A. Caruso is played by Gretchen Corbett. She was in The Rockford Files TV movies.

Tim O’Connor plays Walter Revere, Dr. Elias on Buck Rogers.

Ken Olin from Thirtysomething is Perry Revere.

Eugene Roche is Billy Simms.

William Smith! He’s Clyde Thorson! William Smith makes everything better!

Glynn Turman plays Stan Lassiter.

In more minor roles, Sydney Walsh is Kay Garrett, Tom Henschel is Dr. Framer, Morgan Jones is Sergeant Tierney, Mary Wickliffe is Nurse Phillips, Lisa Nelson is a policewoman, Dorothy Meyer is Nurse O’Hanlon, Matt Roe is a guard, and Erwin Fuller is Harry. Barbara Allyne Bennet is a secretary. Party guests are played by Robert Buckingham, Fritz Ford, Robert Hitchcock, Ethelreda Leopold, Mike Paciorek, Anthony Pecoraro, George Sasaki, Walter Smith and Geoff Vanderstock. Frank Slaten is an assistant, Steve Hershon is a waiter, Donald Chaffin is a reporter, and Freeman Love and Len Felber are detectives.

What happens?

Lamar Bennett bought the Sentinel, a newspaper, and consistently mocks the individuals who miss the days when it wasn’t a tabloid. He’s done this to tons of other papers, and this demoralizes Drake so much that he doesn’t want to live until Bennett dies, and he gets the chance to investigate with Jessica doing the in-person snooping.

It could be any of the reporters who want him dead. But it looks like…

Who did it?

Bennett’s assistant, Billy Simms, who knew about his illegitimate daughter Kay, took care of her for her entire life, all before Billy informed his boss who she really is and demanded that he fire her. Billy has enough and…well, that’s how we get to this episode’s death.

Who made it?

This was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by John Kennedy, Michael McGough and Tom Sawyer.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. She needs to find the right costume party that also has everyone put their keys out, if you know what I mean.

Was it any good?

Sure.

Any trivia?

This is the first of two appearances by Harry Guardino as Haskell Drake.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Haskell Drake: I have been offered a big overseas assignment in Hong Kong, Singapore and Bangkok…

Jessica Fletcher: Oh. Haskell Drake: …by Newmonth, no less.

Jessica Fletcher: Haskell, that’s marvelous. When?

Haskell Drake: Oh, well, um, a-as soon as you hand me my trousers. And by the way, you can tag along if you want to. I figure that, uh, a couple of years of, uh, hard work, who knows, you may turn into a half-decent newspaperman.

What’s next?

YES! YES! YES! Jessica comes to the assistance of Thomas Magnum when he’s framed for two murders that occurred during her vacation in Hawaii!

Theodore Gershuny wrote 2 episodes of Monsters and 6 of this series, as well as directing and writing Silent Night, Deadly Night. Also: I will be jealous of him forever, as he was married to Mary Woronov.

This episode has some star power, as John Heard plays death-row inmate Billy Malone, who tells the story of how he opened a portal to another dimension using a silver hoop he found in his basement. Out of that opening walks Keena (Penelope Ann Miller in her first part), whom he falls in love with, only for Jimbo (Greg Thornton) to nearly ruin it all by getting him busted for murder after using the silver ring to steal anything he wants.

The reviews online are divided between those who love the romance and those who think it’s the worst episode of the series. I tend more toward the former. 

A group of young treasure hunters comes to Cabot Cove looking for sunken treasure, and one of them ends up dead.

Season 3, Episode 6: Dead Man’s Gold (November 9, 1985)

When a former boyfriend, David Everett (Leslie Nielsen), turns up in Cabot Cove on an expedition for long-lost gold, JB finds that more lies beneath the surface than simply sunken treasure. Jessica will need to ignore her old feelings, her secret garden and the passion between her New England thighs to solve this.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury (and Leslie Nielsen)?

Sheriff Amos Tupper? You know that’s Tom Bosley. William Windom is also back as Dr. Seth Hazlitt.

Larry Gaynes is played by Grant Goodeve, who also played David Bradford on Eight Is Enough.

Robert Hogan plays Dr. Wylie Graham, the first of four appearances on the show.

Susan Ainsley is played by Wendy Kilbourne.

Bill Ainsley is played by John Laughlin.

Ross Barber is Sean McClory. He was in Them!

Alexandra Bell is played by Julia Montgomery, who played Betty Childs from Revenge of the Nerds.

Coby Russell is played by J. Eddie Peck.

Gregory Small is Ian Ruskin.

What happens?

Jessica is surprised to see David sail into town. She felt a flutter for him 35 years ago, but she was married to Frank. Now Frank is in Heaven — we hope — and he’s looking down on his wife and wondering, will the man who played Frank Drebin show her his naked gun?

Meanwhile, retired Navy seaman Dr. Wylie Graham takes his yacht to hang out in Cabot Cove with Dr. Seth, and I one hundred percent believe Jessica is Dr. Seth’s ally, which is the PC way of saying it, but you knew I’d use euphemisms like Goldilocks or flame dame.

As for David, he’s working with four young people who have discovered an 18th-century treasure ship. Things go, well, all Murder, She Wrote as Bill Ainsley, the diver, has his equipment screwed with and nearly dies. Alexandra gets drunk and gets into a fight with Coby, which leads to him dropping her off with cab fare, just in time to get run over. It turns out she really died from a blow to the skull, and everyone thinks David, in deep with loan sharks, did it to get her money.

Who did it?

Susan, who was treated as an airhead by everyone else, killed Alex and framed Coby. Her husband is shocked, shocked, I tell you, that all this name-calling would lead to murder.

Who made it?

This was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by Robert Van Scoyk. Cinematographer Emil Oster did the camera on The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. At the end, David sails away but promises to send her a postcard.

This inspired me to write a song.

Jessica (set to the tune of “Brandy” by Looking Glass

There’s a mystery in a harbor town,

Typewriters type when the sun goes down

JB’s got that knowing smile,

Eyes that say she’s cracked the case a long time ago.

They gather round at Dixon’s Diner,

Sheriff Amos and Dr. Seth.

They wonder why every time she meets someone

Somebody ends up dead

Cabot Cove says Jessica, you’re a clever girl

What a deadly wife you would be

Yeah, you could pick out who killed me

JB wears a jogging suit

For her morning run

Then she writes murder books

That bears her husband’s name

He came on a warm summer’s day

Chasing legends, sunken gold

But the look in his eyes said he couldn’t stay

And the part was Leslie Nielsen’s to play

Cabot Cove says Jessica, you’re a clever girl

What a deadly wife you would be

Yeah, you could pick out who killed me

Yeah, Jessica used to watch his eyes when he told his killer’s story

She could feel the alibi fade away, no worry

These killers never say to the truth, never an honest man

And JB solves all the cases that she can

In the morning, when the alarm sounds

Jessica jogs through a New England town

And loves a man who’s not around

That’s because her husband is dead.

She hears him say, “Jessica, you’re a clever girl.”

“What a good wife you would be.”

“But my life, my love, and my lady killed me.”

Was it any good?

Sure. Not great, but good.

Any trivia?

We learn that Jessica has sisters and that her maiden name is McGill.

Dr. Wylie Graham in season 3, episode 9.

Give me a reasonable quote:

David Everett: Jessie MacGill, goodbye… Perhaps I’ll drop you a postcard from time to time.

Jessica Fletcher: Seems you’re always sailing away.

David Everett: I never said I was smart.

What’s next?

A veteran reporter who suffered a heart attack says his best medicine would be the removal of his publisher, who ends up dead.

Frank De Palma directed eight episodes of this series, and Michael Kube-McDowell wrote four; this time, they’re telling the story of Ben Martin (Bill Macy, Maude’s husband), a man whose workaholic nature is soon putting his life in danger. Insurance salesman Harry Harris (Robert Riesel) offers him a device called the Lifebomb, which will keep him alive despite the fact that he could have a heart attack at any moment. Ben’s wife, Lianne (Samantha Harper, who was married to Macy at the time), thinks this will lead him to take a look at his life and fix things. Instead, it just makes him work harder.

By the end, Ben keeps having heart attacks and his wife leaves him, but the Lifebomb keeps him alive, as he’s stuck with needles and filled with drugs and covered by wires and tubes. What kind of life is that? Well, he’s going to figure it out because it looks like he can’t die.

I’ve seen some negative reviews of this episode, and it makes me think: This show is 20 minutes long. What do you lose when an episode isn’t that great? Not much time, and at least it has an interesting idea at the heart of it.

Thanks to everyone who voted on what horror anthology I should get to next. I only finished the first season of Tales from the Darkside, so that seems to be a good one to cover. 

Let’s just say that the U.S. government has taken Hoffgosh (Claudia Templeton, whose career is a mix of acting in low-budget movies and being an accountant on them), an alien who holds the secret to nuclear fusion and can’t communicate with him. Who would you get? How about nightclub impressionist Spiffy Remo (Chuck McCann)?

The interesting part of this episode is that, after failing so many times to impersonate the alien’s language and build a bond, Spiffy finally does. That comes at the cost of caring about his stage material, as after you meet an alien and pull off a miracle, doing hack jokes for drunk gamblers just isn’t the same.

Jack Andreozzi, Tony from Lady In White, is in this as nightclub owner Pudgy; Bobby Di Cicco and Gene Borkan play the government scientists. This was directed by Armand Mastroianni (The Clairvoyant, He Knows You’re Alone, The Supernaturals) and written by Haskell Barkin (who was on this, Monsters and the 1980s Twilight Zone) and was based on a story by M. Coleman Easton.